Tired, tired, tired…

Have I mentioned I’m tired?

I have not been sleeping well, for the past month or so. I think it’s the MRI and the EEG I had in the past weeks. I was nervous, coming up to my initial appointment with my new neurologist — a specialist in an area that I’ve suspected may be an issue for me. (I’m going to be cryptic about it, until I get confirmation from them whether or not I really have this stuff going on with me.)

Having had two bad experiences with neurologists over the past year, I was really nervous about meeting with this new one. But the visit went well, and I was immediately signed up for an MRI and an EEG.

The MRI went well — I could have done without the contrast agent, which made me sick on my stomach the next day and kind of whacked my system. It was gadolinium, a silvery-white, malleable and ductile rare-earth metal with a metallic lustre that they use in MRIs to get better pictures. I wasn’t expecting it, and it made me nervous to have that injected into my body without advance notice. I had read about it when I was researching MRIs, but I didn’t think they’d use it on me. They did, though, and it made me sick the next day. (I’ve read that it can cause problems with people who have kidney issues, but my kidneys are fine, so it was probably just clearing out of my system.)

Then I had an EEG, which I wasn’t expecting to be very dramatic, but turned out to be pretty intense. Something happened while I was being tested, I think. I’m not sure what, but I felt weird and sick for days afterwards, and it took me quite some time to get back. It worried me — I’m still worried… and I don’t see the neuro for another week… which is making me nuts.

All this being said, I’m not sleeping well. I’ve been sick with lingering bronchitis. I’ve been foggy and fuzzy and drained, but I’ve also been on deadline at work. The company where I’m working is having organizational changes, and my job is not secure. And I’m having money problems, which is the real cherry on top. (I’m being facetious here.) I don’t hate my life, and I’m hangin’ in there, and I’m not giving up, but this is not an easy time for me.

So, I keep going. And I try to get some sleep. But even napping has been hard for me. All I can do is get up and go about my business and do what I can, while I can. And keep from letting it get the best of me. I’m angry and frightened and frustrated and anxious and nervous and sick and tired of having things feel wrong to me, but not being able to communicate with doctors and other caregivers. It’s like I’m living on this island in the middle of shark-infested waters, and I’m running out of coconuts… across the bay I can see another island that’s got lots of coconuts, but I have to get across the shark-infested sea to get to them. The test results are hanging over my head, but life goes on, and I just need to focus on what’s in front of me.

And make time to sleep. Whenever I can. Try to worry about the coconuts later…