Almost normal

I’ve been making more changes to my life, of late, not least of which is doing away with a lot of the rigid guidelines I have relied on, for quite some time, to keep me on track.  I have been making far fewer lists, and I’ve been tracking a lot less of my “problematic” behavior, in favor of just living my life and getting on with it.

Once upon a time, I had some serious issues which I paid no attention to whatsoever. Those issues totally screwed up  my life.

Then I caught on that something was amiss, and I started paying really, really, really close attention. To everything. Things stopped getting royally screwed up all over the place. Yet there was this rigidity and brittleness to me that was wearing me down to a nub.

I had to make more changes. It just didn’t feel right. Plus, my neuropsych wasn’t all that impressed by my compulsive note-taking and control issues. They were far less enthusiastic about it than I. I didn’t exactly understand why, but I think I do now.

Since I started really focusing on my physical fitness — and working on my endurance/stamina… and I started pushing myself outside my little comfort zone… and I stopped insisting that everything I did be absolutely perfect all the time… things have loosened up a lot for me, and I find myself better and better able to just take life as it comes, without losing it as often (or as intensely) as I used to.  I find myself better able to be… spontaneous. And a lot more good-natured than I’d been for the past 5 years or so.

Make no mistake – my flashpoint is still a lot lower than I’d like it to be. Just this morning I “went off” — not pretty. But I don’t have the frequency of meltdowns. And I am able to recover much quicker afterwards. It’s taking me hours instead of days to right myself again. And I’ve actually been able to laugh and joke. That’s been missing for a while.

Anyway, I’m getting used to this, actually. And I’ve been cutting myself a bit of a break with my daily workouts, too. More intervals. Less strict attention to precise counts and controlled movements. Now, it’s really about strengthening motion and range and functionality, not just single muscles.

Much more like life… after all, when was the last time you did something with ONLY your bicep?

Well, it’s getting late and I’m pretty tired (as you can probably tell).

More later — I’m bushed. But I guess that’s normal, too.

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