I got a pretty good night’s rest last night. I managed to get to bed by 10:30 or so, and then I slept till about 6, which is more than 7 hours of sleep — 1-2 more hours than I’ve been getting, lately.
It’s funny about sleep – I’ve always needed more than most people around me, but I have a very wary relationship with it. Part of me likes to be a little fatigued through the course of the day. I feel stronger, I feel more alive, I feel more sharp. I tried explaining this to my neuropsych yesterday, but they didn’t believe me. They said I just think I feel that way, when in actuality, if they were to test me, I’d do more poorly on the results.
That may be, but the thing of it is, getting more sleep doesn’t necessarily make me feel better about myself as a person. I like to have that edge, that subtle adrenaline pump that gets me to wake up and kick into gear. I like to work with a slight deficit and put myself in a state of urgency. Without that urgency, nothing feels like it’s getting done.
Of course, putting this constant load on myself, what I’m probably doing is dumbing myself down and lulling myself into thinking that I’m better, when I’m actually not — I’m impairing myself needlessly with this old habit of mine.
And that’s a problem.
Because I have a job I really like, and I have a new career path I am setting out on as well. I need to study, I need to be sharp, I need to be with it. I need my rest. When I’m tired, I get agitated and irritable. When I’m tired, I screw up. I really don’t want to screw up anymore — not if I can avoid it. And I certainly don’t want to put myself into a state of “needing” to be stressed, in order to feel “normal”.
What to do?
Well, first off, make a commitment to get good sleep. Build that foundation first, then move from there.