This makes it easier – cuts down on visual confusion, and it keeps my eyes focused on the center of the page.

I didn’t fully realize just how disruptive it was, having everything the same colors, until they changed it. Now I have a palpable sense of relief.

Nice work, WordPress!

This reaction of mine is quite different from the past. In years gone by, I would have gotten upset over a change to something that is familiar to me. Any kind of change would throw me for a loop, and I would lash out at whoever had thrown me off balance. When I was a kid, I had *such* a hard time with any kind of change. The problem was, I lived in situations where there was constant change. Nothing ever stayed the same. I had different classmates in school, every single year, and none of my friends really stayed around that long – either they moved away, or my family did.

So, change and I haven’t always been on good terms.

Now, things are very, very different. I think it has a lot to do with learning how to take the edge off my anxiety and stress — with breathing and also with just letting everything go silent and still for a couple of minutes. Taking a breath and just stopping… before I react to something. That’s important. We live in a world where instant reaction is prized, but for me, that’s a recipe for more stress and suffering.

So, I’m training myself to not go there.

Real progress. And I can truly enjoy the changes around me — like this WordPress upgrade that simply rocks.

How did this happen? I mean, I’m not necessarily in less pain than before. Yesterday when I got up, I could barely move, and I had a hard time getting down the stairs. But I concentrated on where I was going, not where I was at that point in time, and within an hour, I was moving with pretty decent range.

I’m also not less fatigued than before. I’m not sleeping nearly as long as I want/need to. But even though I find myself yawning and feeling really wiped out in the course of the day, I take a few breaths, settle myself down, focus on just letting all the swirling “mud” sink to the bottom of my proverbial mental pond, and in a little while I’m recovered sufficiently to get back to what I was doing.

I have no real friends to speak of, other than co-workers and colleagues. Actually, when I think about it, work *is* my social life. And when I’m done working, I’m done with everything for the day. It works for me — and it helps me get a whole lot done.

So, I can’t worry about it. I’m actually on decent terms with just about everyone I know, so in actuality (and this is not an exaggeration), I consider just about everyone my fried. So, it’s not that I don’t have “friends” — I connect with just about everyone I know on a personal basis, and that makes them a friend.

So, what’s this amazing change that’s going on with me? I think at the root, it’s the new-found ability to chill out my system and keep from getting too tense, too stressed, too uptight, too anxious, too… everything, over the setbacks I encounter each and every day. One of the main ingredients of my daily difficulties — and overall disabling challenges — was how I handled my setbacks and hardships.

When I treat them like indications that something is terribly wrong, and it needs to be fixed, it gets me all wound up, hyper-sensitized, anxious… you name it, there’s not much good that comes of it — and it also keeps me from thinking clearly, so I literally cannot think my way out of my situation.

But when I treat my setbacks lightly and don’t get all into “OMG, I am so f*cked!” and I step back and take a look at them from a distance, and I treat them like little lessons in my daily life-schooling, I can think so much clearer. And furthermore, I can actually look forward to whatever comes, because I trust that it is going to make me smarter and stronger and better over the long run.

And if nothing else, at least I’ll have a story to tell, years on down the line.

That being said, it’s time to go out and see what new lessons are going to come my way.

Onward.

It sounds strange to hear myself saying that, but it’s true. Once upon a time, much of those topics absolutely fascinated me — held me in rapt attention. History… mythology… fiction… Now, I just don’t have any interest in them. They’re mildly intriguing, but they’re nowhere near as vital to me as they once were.

I think part of the reason is just getting older and growing up. The rest of it, I believe, is because ever since I figured out that my stress levels were self-perpetuating, and being under constant duress due to unrecognized environmental sensitivities, having my balance all out of whack, and having such a hard time each day, just getting by… ever since I figured that out and started to take steps to remedy things, I’ve had less and less need to escape into those worlds and entertain/distract myself with those activities. I’ve needed far less “soothing” activity to keep myself sane, ever since I figured out how to: A) listen to people, B) talk to people, C) relax, D) get myself feeling good even under not-so-great conditions, and E) just let it all go.

Before I knew how to do any of this, I was on constant edge, my sensitivities were off the charts, I had trouble staying upright, I was a bundle of nerves, I was constantly on edge over something, and I led a very, very, very controlled life, surrounded by people like me, who had issues of their own and couldn’t come to terms with them, and so — like me — were fascinated with all sorts of esoteric things, which kept them intrigued, entertained, and soothed.

Holy smokes, is my life different now.

And as I look around my home office, I see a  whole lot of books that have no appeal to me anymore. They are familiar, being in their usual spots on the shelves, but I have no interest in picking any of them up and reading them. Of course, the fact that reading is now more of a chore for me than an enjoyable pastime, probably has something to do with it, but even if I could read them all easily , I don’t think I’d have much interest. I’m too busy living.

Yeah, my life is quite different. And in a couple of months, when I am away from this god-awful job and getting on with my life (hopefully closer to home – that’s the plan), I intend to go through this office and turn it into a place I recognize now as some place I would choose to be. I really have to get rid of a lot of these books — I can give them away, I suppose, assuming that they don’t have sentimental value for me. I can also box them up and stash them somewhere. I also need to get rid of a lot of “supplies” I’ve been hoarding (no, not *that* kind of reality-t.v. hoarding), which I have not used in years, and probably never will.

Anyway, that’s a few months off. In the meantime, I just need to keep on keepin’ on, the way I have been, not make any more of a mess than I already have, and keep focused on what matters to me right now.

Because that’s changing. For the better.

Reblogged from The Concussion Blog:

Gotta stay somewhat bright…

I got 8 hours of sleep last night… Not bad. I had a great day yesterday, and by the time I was back home again, I was too tired to do anything but go straight to bed. So, I did. No reading, no surfing the web, no television. Just bed. And 8 hours later I woke up without an alarm.

I generally don’t need an alarm to wake up, these days. I’m often awake by 5 or 6 a.m. The thing that gets me, is that I often don’t go to bed till 11 or sometimes later. Not last night. I was in bed by 9, and 5 arrived as it usually does – earlier than I wanted and expected, but still the reality of the situation.

Today I have another day off. This morning the plan is to just kick back and catch up on my reading, so some planning around job changes, and catch up on my emails. Nothing dramatic. I may also fiddle around with some of my projects — a little bit of coding, a little bit of research… keeping in mind that I’ve got two more days “off” ahead of me, so I can pace myself.

Hell, I might even get a nap in, too. As a matter of fact, a nap is just about the only thing I have planned for certain. These days off are a great opportunity to rest, and so I shall.

This resting business is a tricky one for me. Over the past months, I’ve been working on my ability to function reasonably well, even if I am tired. This is new for me – it used to really throw me for a loop when I was tired. My brain needs rest, and when I get tired, I can get very cranky, short-tempered, even explosive. My balance is off, my ability to pay attention for extended periods is compromised, and things generally don’t work nearly as well as when I am rested.

But despite knowing this and despite intending to get at least 7 hours of sleep each night, my average is more like 6 hours, with a very occasional 8-hour stint… sometimes a little more. I rarely sleep past 8 hours, and those times when I get 9+ hours, it’s like Christmas. It happens maybe once a year, and it’s cause for celebration.

What to do? I can’t very well just fall apart, if I haven’t had 7-8 hours of sleep. I still have to function. So, over the past months, I have been working on intermittent recovery periods – doing my 90-second clearings, taking little breaks to breathe and stretch and consciously relax… and also to nap. There is no place in the building where I work, that I can lie down and rest, so I go out to my car, put on my headphones, and listen to some guided imagery that puts me into a relaxed state (or at least gets my mind off my everyday tasks, which are usually overdue and half-done). Taking little breaks in the course of the day — even if I don’t leave my desk — has really helped me get a handle on my “energy flow” and it’s helped keep the demons at bay, which is good.

It’s good for me, and it’s good for everyone around me, who doesn’t have to deal with the anxious crazy person I used to be all the time. Even if I don’t get as much sleep as I need, despite trying like crazy on a regular basis, at least now I have a way to work with the fatigue and disorientation. And even thought it’s a bit crazy-making to think that it’s not going to change anytime soon, I still have a set of “tools” and coping mechanisms I can use to reduced the ill effects of fatigue.

The main thing is to not dwell on the fact that “I didn’t get enough sleep.” That will make me crazy to begin with. It makes me anxious and fearful and puts me on edge — which is the start of the avalanche of drama that I can’t stand.

The next thing is to have back-up adaptations to my day, to help me function — when I know that I can relax and take a break and get some of my strength back over the course of the day, even if it is just by getting silent and breathing, that helps.

I also have been drinking a big glass of water with a little bit of baking soda in it, to keep my acidity level down. I do that first thing in the morning, many days, and sometimes I do it lter during the day. Acidity has been linked with all sorts of ills, like cancer and other illnesses, and it’s also hard on your system. Drinking water with a little bit of baking soda — say, half a teaspoon or so — settles my stomach and seems to calm down my whole system. I just feel better.

I also do a lot of self-support, talking myself through rough patches by reminding myself that I can handle this, that this is training for other things that are coming, and that today is going to seem like a breeze, in another couple of weeks. Rather than beating myself up for my “mistakes”, I treat my experiences like life lessons, and I focus on trying to learn something from them. When I stumble or blunder, I congratulate myself for just getting out there and giving things a shot. No more beating myself up over being an idiot. I may be that, but if you think about it, plenty of idiots are running around out there, doing big things with their lives, so why shouldn’t I? Maybe it’s not the most flattering self-image, but it’s something… y’know?

Anyway, the day is starting, and I’m feeling pretty good. I can definitely tell I need more sleep, and I may go back to bed in a little bit. Because I can. But for now, I’m going to do some reading, some writing, some thinking. And see where that takes me.

Onward.

Perspective makes the difference

I’m taking another shot at cleaning up this hard drive on my “old” computer. I think there are still components that can be un-installed, to reclaim even more space, not to mention speed. The more programs you have running on your computer, the slower it tends to go — if, that is, you’re a “mortal” like me, with a serviceable but far-from-top-of-the-line model.

I start my vacation today. Just two days off, before the onslaught at work begins. I have a ton of stuff to do, and in the past I would have declined to take time off, because I take a lot of pride in my productivity, and I don’t want to leave my co-workers hanging. It’s a terrible spot to be in, and Lord knows I have pulled out all the stops for them in the past, so they wouldn’t be left hanging.

But you know what? The Company is doing a lot of things that say loud and clear, “We don’t really care about your productivity and your team, and you better do what we tell you – or else.” They’ve pushed this agenda for the past 2 years, and I hate to admit it, but it’s worn me down. Also, my co-workers are just a little shy of insane, with their go-go-go mindless reactivity that dashes madly from one task to the next, without ever actually finishing anything. They’ve worn me down with their multi-tasking mediocrity.

Now, in the back of my head I have been thinking that I don’t want to trash my reputation with poor performance. I don’t want to alienate people who could do recommendations for me. But the people whose recommendation I care about have either left the company already, or they are on their way out, and all of us are going to say super nice things about each other, because it’s a small world, and we know that if we do good for others, there’s a chance it will come back to us. The people who are staying, who are invested in me super-performing for them and The Company, aren’t the sort of people I need recommendations from. So, I don’t feel like my long-term prospects have been that jeopardized by this environment and this organization. It’s all good. And anyway, I’m going to go back to contracting, once I’m done here. There’s a lot less pointless drama for me, when I’m not “permanent full-time”.

So, I’m not getting concerned, and I’m not letting  myself worry. Today and tomorrow is “me time”, and I’m looking forward to just kicking back and enjoying things. Running a few errands this morning… taking a trip to a museum I’ve been wanting to visit… heading out into nature to just relax. They’re calling for rain tomorrow, which could put a damper on things, but my spouse and I are fine with that. We’ve got rain gear. We also are taking books to read, and if we spend the day sitting in the car reading and resting…. away from the hustle and bustle, that’s just fine with us.

The point is getting away.

It’s funny, though… for me, getting away is less of a necessity than it is for a lot of people. Yes, it is good to take a break from it all, and yes, it does help me “reset” my mind and give me a different perspective on things. But I don’t crave it like some people. I think it’s because each day literally seems like a whole new one to me. Every morning when I get up, things feel new. Hopeful. Like there’s something else out there to discover and learn. Sometimes I wake up with a terrible sense of dread, but that’s usually due to fatigue or a physical feeling. When I’m feeling sick and foggy, and I’m in pain, I really do get depressed. But when I’m well-rested, not much can get me down.

In this respect, I think my crappy short-term working memory actually helps me. Because I forget so much, and I lose my place so often, I have had to learn how to keep an open mind and perspective, and watch for clues and opportunities. When much of your daily experience that’s more than 20 minutes old seems to evaporate behind you as you walk through your days, you learn to keep going and keep your eyes open for clues about where to go next.

Literally. I mean, my memory for how things were and what I was doing, just an hour ago, tends to be pretty vague. I have to think hard to recall what I did just half an hour ago. And who has the time and energy for all that work and thinking, every minute of every day? If I focus too strongly on the past, I lose sight of my present and where I’m going in the future. So, I have to keep going, keep moving, keep growing and improving.

Some people would get pretty upset, if this happened to them and that’s how their life turned out. For me, I can’t remember anything different. I just never realized that this was unusual, until I did my neuropsych testing and learned that I have the short-term working memory of a chipmunk. Things get lost for me after a surprisingly short period of time. They start to dissolve and disappear on me, leaving big gaps in what I think I remember about what just happened.

That was an eye-opener for me, and it threw me for a loop. But then I realized that it wasn’t all that catastrophic — I’ve managed to put together a pretty excellent life, despite all that “disability”, and frankly, a lot of stuff that people insist on remembering simply isn’t worth hanging onto. I have several really good friends who are ultra-invested in nursing grudges and remembering every single slight and hurt that’s ever been done to them. I can honestly say that that kind of mentality does NOT make you a happier person, than someone like me who has no “storage space” for that sort of stuff. I mean, I couldn’t remember it, if I tried, but why bother trying? It’s much better, in my opinion, to start fresh each day.

Obviously. I mean – compare… I cannot retain much of anything, and I bounce out of bed on many days with a great sense of expectation and anticipation. While they remember each and every instance of insult, slights, hurt, inconsideration, offense… you name it… and they literally can’t get out of bed a lot of days. They don’t want to live their lives, they’re afraid of living their lives. They expect bad things to happen to them at every turn, and a lot of times, that’s exactly what happens. But the bad things happening is not the problem. They get stuck in those bad things and cannot work through them, so they get stuck. Because their minds are stuck in that place. They’ve fallen, and they can’t get up.

I’m sure a lot of it is neurological. One of these friends was routinely knocked out on a regular basis by abusive adults their parents hung out with. There’s also the one-time drug abuse that left its mark, long past their last drink or drug. It’s also biochemical — one of the most hard-up friends I have simply refuses to eat responsibly. They live on coffee and chocolate and rarely eat a real meal. Small wonder they’re screwed up. They just won’t take care of themself. It’s heart-breaking to watch, but that’s their choice, and no matter how I try to reason with them, they just can’t seem to get it.

The thing that keeps these friends of mine going is drama and stress and adrenaline. They’re always getting themselves into some sort of mess — probably because it makes them feel alert and alive. I know for a fact that a lot of them have “tonic arousal” issues, as a result of brain injuries. But they can’t hear me talk about it. They just can’t get their head around the whole TBI thing, which is a shame, because they could really be helped if they would just admit that that’s the issue. But they’re more interested in proving that the problems come from outside them, not inside their head. There’s a whole mindset there that just kills. And it’s a shame.

But enough about them. For me, beginner’s mind is the only way to live. I start fresh each day, mostly because I have to. It’s way too much work to try to remember everything — that’s where my lists come in. Most of all, it’s way too much work to try to remember all the emotional and mental experiences I’ve had lately — even if those experiences were uplifting and encouraging. When I think about it, I realize that I’m constantly orienting myself to the present and to “what’s next” — not so much to the past, because that is dim and fragmented for me. And when I interact with people, I really follow their lead when I socialize and take cues from them, and I rely on them for reminders of what I’m supposed to remember and think about.

It’s a good thing that all of this happens inside my head, because if people new just how reliant I am on the people around me for even the most basic conversation topics and direction, they’d think I was a complete idiot.

On the other hand, when I look around at people who supposedly “know” how things were or what happened once upon a time, I see a lot of people who have very different perspectives about exactly the same thing, and who have completely different recollections and interpretations of “reality”. It’s like they’re all living in their own worlds (I guess most of us are), and they believe with all their hearts that their version is the right version. And they’re willing to defend that interpretation with their very lives — as a result, we’ve got wars and conflicts and political parties.

So, maybe having a “good” memory isn’t so great after all.

And maybe it’s actually better for me, that my past becomes just that — a faded, fragmented, distant past, about so much of which I’m uncertain. Maybe it’s better that I don’t remember all that much from my childhood, aside from shadowy memories and a bunch of brightly shining times when I knew I was okay, and new everything was going to turn out alright. Maybe it’s a blessing, that I can’t retain all the kinds of crap that my friends are so adept at remembering.

Maybe beginner’s mind is exactly the right thing for me.

I know it’s what a lot of people strive for. They actively seek to put themselves in that frame of mind. But I’m there by default, thanks to at least nine mild traumatic brain injuries that had progressively negative impacts on me. Each time I got clocked, a little more of my brain changed. And now here I am… beginner’s mind. Some people would (and do) pay tons of money to learn how to get there, but I learned for free.

NOT that I’m advocating repeat concussion as a route to enlightenment. Far from it. The thing is, for all that I’ve lost as a result of mild TBI, life hasn’t turned out to be a total waste. I’ve been forced to acquire new skills and adapt — or else. And all the hard work has been worth it. If I ever get concussed again, I’m not sure what will become of me. Maybe my memory will be completely erased.

Who knows? All I know is, right here and right now, I’m feeling pretty good. I have a few days off — a four-day weekend, which I’m looking forward to. I am practicing relaxing and getting back to my “happy place”, and the world looks pretty promising to me — despite all the international upheaval and what-not.

Bottom line — life is good. Onward.

I have unearthed an old computers that I never threw away, and I’m cleaning out the hard drive – putting all the extra files on a portable hard drive, so I can open up some more space for doing audio and video. I’m working on a project with some friends, and the project calls for a video. We’ll see how this goes. It’s the first I’ve really worked with video, but I think I have some good ideas, so I’m optimistic.

We shall see.

Right now, the hard drive is defragmenting and is at 87%. It’s taken it about half an hour to get this far. I pulled a lot of stuff off it, and now it has to think about what to do with all that extra space.

It’s kind of a metaphor for my life. I’ve been culling a lot of non-productive activities out of my life, focusing my attention and energy on doing the things that are the most relevant for my current life. A lot less noodling around, and a lot more actual work. Cleaning out the garage. Working on the yard. Fixing things. Organizing piles of supplies and hardware into containers with actual dividers in them, instead of one big pile of stuff.

Getting to bed at a decent hour, and getting a lot done each day.

And learning as I go.

I’ve had a couple of really big realizations, lately, and it’s given me plenty to think about. But I haven’t been thinking too hard. I’m pacing myself. Taking things slow, or sometimes not taking them at all. I’ve stopped worrying about things being wrong and out of whack, in a lot of ways. They are what they are. Oh, well. Yes, I had a sick headache all day today. But I’ve also lost 5 pounds in the past month or so. And yes, I have had some weakness in my arms and hands. But my back is more limber than I can recall in recent memory. I haven’t been sleeping well, and I am pretty wiped out, pretty much all the time. But I’m feeling really positive and relaxed, overall. Whatever happens, I’m going to be okay.

It’s summertime, and it feels like time to clean out my study again. I have new projects to work on and think about, and I need to clear out a bunch of stuff that no longer serves any useful purpose in my daily life. It really is time to clean house. My study is pretty cluttered — not “Hoarders” cluttered, but still piled high with papers and books and correspondence and old bills (and some new ones) that need to be taken care of. That needs to change.

Likewise, I need to close down a bank account I opened about ten years ago, which made good interest, back in the day. It’s just been a placeholder account for me, for some years now — a way to move money from one bank account to another. But now I don’t need it anymore. Plus, the account got sold to another bank, and that new bank sucks. They hold my money and won’t let go of it. Ten days to complete a money transfer and make the funds available to me? Really?

Yeah, not so much. Good bye, bank. I like your commercials, but as a bank, you really suck.

And it feels good to do this — say “No” to people and things and situations that are no damn’ good. Half of my team got hauled off to HQ on a day’s notice, because the People In Charge can’t manage their time or their projects, and now they’re stuck away from their families, off in the middle of nowhere, doing the job(s) that others should have been doing months ago. Oh, well… So it goes. It’s easy for me to say, being here – I really feel badly for them, but what can you do?

I’ll be they’ll be glad when they are home.

Anyway, it feels really good to not be worrying about this the way I was, when I didn’t think I could get out. Now I know I can get out, and I’m going to do exactly that. I figure I have maybe 3 more months there. I start my job search in earnest in July/August, with a September timeframe in mind. I’m sure it will be stressful at times, but I’ve gotten to this “zen” kind of place that just flows with it.

Of course, I say that now… the night before I go on vacation for a few days…

My computer is still thinking. I’m now cleaning up old files and compressing to save space. By the time all is said and done, I’ll have a huge honkin’ hard drive where I can mix up all the video I like.

Life is good.

And now, it’s time for bed.

So much depends on our view point

Okay, I know that when it comes to recovering from traumatic brain injury, the concept of “new normal” is not my favorite. I have heard so much advice from well-meaning individuals to “accept your limitations” and “get used to things not being as good as they used to be”.

Please. I’m not saying anything more than that, other than that.

Please.

Even the concept of “normal” is not my favorite. I think especially when it’s defined by others, it can be a trap that’s almost impossible to get out of. So, let me define “normal” for these purposes as being a state of mind and body and spirit that is balanced and feels usual — a way of experiencing and being in the world that doesn’t freak you out and put you on edge and make you miserable or anxious… but is part of your regular everyday life. It doesn’t have to do with others’ definitions of how you should being, but rather it’s about how you know yourself to be — and accept yourself. “Normal” life can include stresses that are customary and expected in the course of your everyday life. It can also include an incredible sense of well-being, in spite of all obstacles or difficulties you must overcome.

That’s where I’m at today — it’s not a “new normal” for me. It’s a new take on the old “normal” that used to be part of my everyday world. It’s taken a lot of work and time and energy, but it’s happening for me.

I wish it could happen for more people. Too many individuals give up too quickly, too soon, in the face of seemingly “permanent” conditions — those supposedly “it is what it is” circumstances are anything but permanent. But life is impermanent by nature. Nothing stays the same. And the only reason things remain permanently “effed up”, is if we just stop trying to turn them around.

That’s what so many of us do after a hard loss — whether it be the loss of a loved one, a job, a home, a planned future, and yes, the “normal” life we had before TBI. We just give up. Or we decide that we’re not really cut out for a regular life anymore, because either we don’t deserve it, or we don’t think we can deal with it, or we can’t see our way through to the other side, or we simply run out of steam and get way too tired to deal with much of anything.

And then we adjust to our “new normal” and hope for the best. As though that will help anything.

To me, that kind of acceptance is murderous. It is the exact opposite of what we should be doing after TBI, or any other kind of hard loss. The brain is “plastic” — it adapts and changes based on our surroundings and what we demand of it, and it needs to be retrained. It needs a lot of rest and water and glucose (and I suspect that the main reason for my splitting headache this morning, is because I didn’t give it enough of any of those three things all day yesterday), but if it receives the right TLC, it can — and will — learn to do new things in new ways — or learn to do old things in new ways.

See, that’s the thing — with TBI your thinking can get very rigid and literal and stubborn, and your brain can start telling you that there is ONE WAY AND ONLY ONE WAY TO DO THINGS (and yes, it will tell you that in a very loud voice). The old ways were “right” and the new ways are “wrong”. The old ways were the “only” way, and the new ways will “never work”.

Silly. There is never only one way to do things. There is never only one right way to get from Point A to Point B. There are lots of different ways — we just need to take it upon ourselves to find those different ways, and train our brains to handle life in a slightly different way.

Of course, you tend to get tired, in the midst of all of this. And when you get tired, your brain tends to work less well. That’s a struggle I’ve had for years. However recently, I’ve discovered a way to mitigate the effect of fatigue. It’s not that I’m less tired — I’m pretty wiped out, right now. But I don’t get as bent out of shape over being tired, as I used to. I recognize it, I take it in stride, and I get on with my life anyway. I do what I can, when I can, and I don’t worry about the supposed disaster that may come on the heels of being wiped out and mentally out of it.

I just accept the fact that I’m dog-tired, and I deal with it. I live my life anyway. If I can catch up on my sleep, then great. If I can’t, I don’t worry about it. I factor in the fatigue in my daily life, and I make the necessary adjustments.  I can tell that things aren’t nearly as peachy as they used to be for me. I can tell when I’m a lot less sharp than when I’m rested. And I can really tell when fatigue is really chipping away at my patience, my self-control, my manners. But I don’t let it derail me like I used to. It’s not a tragedy anymore. It’s a pain in my ass that I just need to recognize and deal with, and do the best I can in spite of it all.

This is a monster change for me. The whole realm of physiological after-effects of TBI really threw me for a loop for a long time. I have been hung up on how much my cognitive state suffers from fatigue and stress and anxiety and physical pain. I guess it was pride, really — I don’t want to seem stupid or be the brunt of others’ jokes and ridicule, and when I’m tired and in pain and not doing well, I’ve not been able to handle myself well in the past, so I’ve ended up taking a lot of sh*t from people who didn’t know better. And so, when I would be over-tired, or in pain, or practically deaf from the ringing in my ears, or dealing with some other TBI-related problem, it would make me really anxious and upset… which made everything worse.

In the past months, however, I’ve let a lot of that go. Maybe I just let the whole pride thing go, because I realized it wasn’t worth it, and the only one who has really been keeping tabs has been me. I think that stretching my back and neck on a regular basis has been very good for me. When I crack my back or neck (and it doesn’t take much – I just need to bend or lean in different directions), I get this rush of really great energy and relief, like my brain is actually able to communicate with the rest of my body through my spine. And my head clears, I’m less foggy, and suddenly the colors are a lot brighter than they used to be.

Nice.

Also, I shifted my focus away from remediation of my issues (like trying to catch up on my sleep after the fact), to the Bigger Picture — just living my life the best I can, under all conditions, good or bad. I’ve gone from managing every single aspect of my day…. to letting it all just fly free… to learning how to pick and choose the things I’m going to concentrate on each day. I’ve trained myself pretty well to do the basics again. I can get myself out of bed, have my breakfast, and get ready for work without losing my temper or forgetting if I’ve washed my hair. I’ve figured out how to get myself to work without incidents from my light and noise sensitivities, and I’ve figured out how to structure my days so that I’m doing the things I care most about when I’m the freshest and most with-it.

Now that I’ve got that basic functionality down, I’ve been focusing on relaxing and getting myself in a good space… or, if I’m not in a good space, realizing it and training myself to just deal with it. I used to be pretty good at keeping it together under 85% of difficult conditions. Then, after my TBI in 2004, that slipped to about 15% of difficult conditions, and that’s when my life started to fall apart.

I would say now that I’m getting closer to that 85% I used to be at. I’d say I’m probably doing pretty well under about 75-80% of difficult conditions — I’m not yet performing at my peak, but I’m holding it together and keeping my sh*t together much better than in recent memory, and I’m not having hardly any of the meltdowns that I was having, only a few years ago.

Which is good. I had a bit of a blow-up, the other night when I grilled up some killer steaks, and my spouse decided to take a shower just when all the food was ready to be served. I ended up with a tough piece of meat, because they waited till the last minute to do something they could have done all day, and I lost it. I lost it even more when they acted like I had no reason or right to be upset. I had a long day at work. I was hungry. It was late. I just wanted to enjoy my steak. But no… Oh, never mind. What’s done is done. The thing I need to realize and remember is that sometimes I have every right to be upset, and sometimes I am going to get upset. It’s just that I can’t let it take over and run me the way it used to. I need to let it be about being upset — not being upset about being upset, which is what gets me. And after all is said and done, I definitely have to let it go. And see how I can possibly avoid that next time.

Management issues. Hm.

Well, speaking of management issues, I’ve got to get going and get into my day. I’ve been working on my “stress hardiness” training — consciously trying to toughen myself up and not be so sensitive to the ups and downs of the everyday. I’ve got to get tougher, that’s for sure. Not “ram tough” and all aggressive and over-the-top, but resilient and able to take a hit without collapsing into a heap. I need to get a thicker skin and do better about just dealing with stuff, instead of letting it take over my head and make me crazy. I used to be like that — as I said, 85% of the time. And I am getting better at it.

It’s all about conscious practice — training myself to deal. In some ways, I feel like when I was a kid, and I was learning to do all kinds of things, like handle myself in the adult world. That’s how it feels right now, and while it is kind of strange and deja-vu, it’s like I get a second chance to learn how to do all this stuff. The “first time around”, when I was dealing with TBI stuff and didn’t realize it, so much of what I learned was inaccurate or just plain wrong.

Now I get a “do-over” and I can get my act together in ways that I thought I was before, but actually wasn’t. I can take a new shot at things and lay another foundation for myself, starting from scratch in many ways. It sounds strange to me — I’m nearly 50 years old, and I feel like a 10-year-old kid. But in so many ways, all of us needs to reinvent ourself in one way or another over the course of our lives. Some of us have to do it many times over. So, it’s not so strange or unusual. It’s actually pretty normal — perhaps the most normal thing of all, when it comes to being human.

I think maybe this is what my neuropsych has been trying to explain to me for years, now — that it’s in the nature of human beings to change and grow over time. We don’t always have a say in the areas where we need to change and grow, but we do have a say in how much we accept and adapt to that need for change, and the energy and determination we bring to that change.

How we define “normal” is up to us — if we don’t do it ourselves, someone else’s “normal” can end up defining us.

Onward…

Good news, though — on Sunday, I finally tackled four very important pieces of federal and state gov’t paperwork that I need to get on with my life. I had been putting them off for weeks, and I finally got myself to just sit down with it on Sunday morning, spend the day working through it — reading and reading and re-reading everything till my eyes were crossed — and then filling out the forms, making the copies, and mailing them out on Monday morning with the proper certifications.

I was absolutely euphoric on Sunday. It felt so good to get it all done. I was a little down on myself for not doing it all right away several weeks ago, but when I thought about it, I realized the timing was perfect, and there was no fault, no blame. AND I finished it prior to my 2-month deadline (in July), so that is big progress for me.

In the past, I would have waited till July, then rushed at the end, and possibly made a mistake that could have cost me big.

I am having some important phone calls with people this week about next steps, and where I used to dread and fear those calls, I am looking forward to them now. Because I know how to use my tools, and I have some good successes behind me in communicating and getting my point across.

It’s very exciting. And even though I am wiped out (I got about 5-1/2 hours of sleep last night), I am feeling really relaxed. I know I’m not as sharp as I could be, but I am making progress, and that’s what counts.

Onward

With the right tools and approach…

I’ve been thinking a lot, lately, about the idea “I Can’t” that has been in the back of my head for about as long as I can remember. It’s been a constant companion for me through the years, and has both held me back, and propelled me forward.

Knowing nothing about how TBI can affect how you behave in the world, didn’t help me at all. I had no idea that how it can disrupt your short-term working memory, how it can make you more distractable and lead to “catastrophic response” meltdowns, and really disrupt your functioning in stressful situations. And so, I figured that I was just built wrong, that I was messed up, and there was nothing to be done about it.

I would try and try and try to do things, but they would just fall flat. I would get overwhelmed or distracted (and then forget what I was doing), and then I’d end up with a lot of plans that never happened. This was for things that others asked me to do, as well as things I took on myself. Nobody ever realized that I might need a little prompting — they just assumed I was lazy, and that was that. They just assumed that there was something wrong with me, and they made sure I knew that they thought so.

And being a basically trusting individual, I assumed they were right. There was something amiss with me. And that was that I couldn’t do the things that other people did. I just couldn’t. I didn’t give a lot of thought to why or how — all I knew was, “I can’t.”

Now, on the other hand, I’ve got this stubborn, contrary streak that refuses to give in to the “I can’ts” all rattling ’round in my head. For those things that meant the most to me, as well as the things that everybody else said I couldn’t do, I had an irresistible, unconquerable, indomitable drive to succeed. I would just get to a point where I couldn’t stand having people think that about me, and I couldn’t stand the thought of them “winning” over me and convincing me that I couldn’t do the things I wanted to do. That just pissed me off.

So, I would pull out all the stops, put all doubt from my mind, and drive head-first into any storm, not caring what anyone said, not paying any attention to any detractors, not giving an inch in my pursuit for my goals. And I would drive through any and all obstacles that kept me from my goal. Because I could. I could do it. I could get there. I could succeed, by God, I could.

Now, when I think back on my life, I realize that a lot of things I’ve done over the years have been done for the sake of proving to others (and myself), that I could do something. I would take on challenges, not because they were something I genuinely wanted to do, but because they were things I supposedly couldn’t do. They were things that nobody else believed in, that nobody else thought I was up to accomplishing. And I would accomplish them with pretty impressive skill, if I say so myself.

The only thing was, once the challenge was conquered, I lost all interest in what I was doing, because the thing that kept me going was the challenge, not the ultimate goal. And even if the goal was still off in the distance, if the challenge was overcome, I would not complete the task to reach the ultimate goal.

And I’d end up with half-finished projects and half-attained goals — which ultimately add up to failure to complete — failure.

And my once-bright-and-shining glory would fade… and once again, I would be left standing alone in the construction site of my life, proverbial hammer in hand, other tools scattered around me, crowbar still hooked to the nail I was pulling out of that beam, just hanging there…

And once again, my success would sour into failure, and I would have confirmation, yet again, that I can’t.

The thing was — and this is actually a life-changing revelation for me — the problem was not my ability, the problem was my motivation. My drive to succeed wasn’t about me achieving a goal because I wanted that goal. It was about me achieving something that nobody else thought could be done. And once that source of motivation — doing the “impossible” — was over and done with, all motivation to keep on going was gone, baby, gone.

So, the source of that “I can’t” core belief was really contextual. For the things I care most about, that matter so much to me, that I really care about, my motivation always stays strong. Because it’s what I want to do — for myself. For my life. For my soul. Things like writing about my life experiences, taking care of my health and my personal relationships, pursuing the projects that I work on in my spare time… they are all so precious to me, so vital to me, there is no need for me to keep bolstering up my motivation, because I want to do them for the right reasons. They give me life.

On the other hand, my job — which has pretty much been just a way to make money to fund the other parts of my life, so that I can do them freely as I please — is another story. And it’s driven by that contrary, “Yes, I can do it – I don’t care what you say – just watch me” mentality that is directly connected to proving to myself and others that we are all wrong about me and my general ineptitude. It’s just about me proving a point, not actually doing something I care about and believe in.

So, of course after a certain point, that’s going to fall apart. Because there’s really only so much I can expect to gain from a situation that has nothing to do with my deepest values and that I’m really just doing for the money. And when that situation starts going directly against my deepest values, like the current job I’m in, then the clock is well and truly ticking. Proving “I can do it” in a situation where my accomplishment is going to literally trash the world I live in, is not my idea of success.

The thing I need to remember is that, when I start to back off on things that I’ve lost motivation for, it is not an indication that I cannot succeed at them. I am literally choosing to under-perform. It’s that simple. I’m not failing because I lack ability. I’m under-performing because I’m choosing to not apply my ability. And that’s usually for a pretty good reason. I just disengage and let the chips fall where they may — usually in some sort of disarray.

Of course, the problems start in my head, when I start listening to others telling me that my failings mean I am not good enough, or there is some fundamental flaw in me. That’s what they seem to think, without apparently stopping to ask if there might be a reason why I am under-performing… and if there might be a way that they can help turn things around. They don’t get it. They don’t understand. And too often the results are that I internalize what they’re communicating to me, and I get a completely wrong perception of myself. I get tired, basically, and then my filtering system doesn’t work so well.

See, that’s the thing — I get tired. I get worn out, and then my ability to think clearly and have an objective perspective is totally screwed. I get down on myself for not being able to think well when I’m exhausted. Well d’oh – of course I can’t. Who can? I have pretty unrealistic expectations of myself, sometimes, and it takes a toll. When I’m tired, I’m probably living at about 25% of my potential, which is no reflection on my true abilities and prospects.

It’s wild, now my self-perception is directly linked to fatigue and how I feel physically. This is something I am examining and learning about, more each day, and this is an important piece of the puzzle that is my life.

So, here’s the thing — that whole “I can’t” business is directly tied to a bunch of things — my motivation, how I feel physically, feedback from others, and my memory and distractability issues.

When I am aware of them all, and I am managing them actively, then I’m fine. I don’t get bothered by the whole “I can’t” thing.

• When my motivation is for something I really, really want to do that brings me to life, I’m good to go.
• When I am well-rested and not feeling sick to my stomach and I am feeling vigorous, I’m good to go.
• When I am actively screening feedback from others to block out the B.S. they send my way and make up my own damn’ mind about things (especially myself), I am good to go.
• When I am using my tools to deal with my memory and distractability and actively keep myself on track, then yes, I am really good to go.

All that being said, I have all of the above going for me today. So, off I go…

Onward!