Guerilla job changes on a shoestring

The preparation for my job change continues, with some much-needed adaptations. I spent a fair amount of time over the past month or so, studying up on new material I felt I needed to learn and know, in order to move into my next position. I am highly motivated, and I know I need to move on to something more challenging in an environment that’s more high-performance. Right now, the company I’m with is pretty invested in chronic under-achievement — not because they can’t do better, but because they’d rather run around like chickens with their heads cut off and *feel* productive, than actually *be* productive.

Those of us who have years and years of skills and experience are on the outside — the folks on the inside who get to make the big decisions and influence people — are relative newcomers to the industry they’re trying to take over, and it’s just embarrassing, watching them make the decisions and do the things they do. When we speak up and try to help steer them away from the cliff, we are summarily dismissed. And I’m being paid about 20% less than I could (and should) be, which is just ridiculous. I have recruiters contacting me constantly for jobs that look great, so there’s really no reason to for me to stay.

What’s the point?

So yeah, I’m looking for a new job. That’s a no-brainer. But the timing has to be done right, because there’s a big project I’m working on that is affecting a bunch of people I’ve worked with for years, whom I really care about. I’m not going to ditch them before we finish up in September. Then, I am gone, baby, gone.

And in anticipation of that, I am “re-tooling” my skillset — brushing up on technologies and topics that are in demand, these days, so I can be more useful in the job market.

The only thing is, over the past couple of months, I have not hit the goals I had for myself — to study and practice x-amount of material each week. I have had the best of intentions, and I have really tried, but it just didn’t happen. And it’s been getting me down.

See, the thing is, I get tired. Fatigue is a huge factor in all of this, and when I’m tired, I don’t manage my time well, I don’t read or comprehend well, I don’t feel like I know what I’m doing, and it just pulls the rug out from underneath me. It’s been very dispiriting, seeing myself fall behind in my own personal goals, feeling my future slipping from my grasp. There is no way I can put myself out there as an expert in these areas and hope to compete with folks who are younger and fresher and more experienced than myself. It’s a real concern, and a very real issue. I can’t afford to have my reputation smeared, and I can’t afford to get into a work arrangement where I am out-matched by my workload and I end up melting down. It’s happened before, and it’s not fun.

So, rather than feeling badly about myself and undercut my future, I’ve stepped back (during my most recent vacation) and taken a closer look at what I need to do to make a move.

I need to:

• Present myself as an expert in my field — I’ve been doing technical work since 1992, and it should show,
• Have a skillset that is fresh and current,
• Show that I have been doing this skilled work on a daily basis in my current and past positions,
• Be up-to-date on the minutiae of my particular specialty,
• Have a portfolio of real world results to show for my work, and
• Have all of this in place within the next two months, when I will start my formal job search.

I figure it can take me up to three months to find another position that suits me, and I won’t be ready to move till late September. So, I need to have things in place to send out to recruiters — and I need to have a portfolio of results I’ve produced — around mid-July timeframe. That leaves me with about eight weeks to put things together, while I’m also keeping my current job going, keeping up on my rest, and going about my everyday life.

I do not have a lot of resources, energy-wise.

I do not have a lot of extra discretionary time, because my work is pretty consuming and I have a LOT going on.

So, I need to do this on a shoestring.

That being said, I’ve taken a closer look at my job history, and I’ve realized that there are a lot of things I do (or could be doing) on a daily basis in my current job that actually support my future job change. I have a lot of different aspects to my job, and it can be very confusing, figuring out which is which and what I am actually doing with myself. It probably sounds a bit dense, but I am so overwhelmed on a daily basis by all the details and “trees” that I lose sight of the forest. And I also get so caught up in putting out fires, that I don’t actually do the work that’s strategically aligned with my future. I am so busy chasing down missing pieces of puzzles and fixing things that are broken (by other people who don’t do their friggin’ jobs) that I lose sight of the big-picture work I am doing. I lose sight of the big picture, period.

As an aside, I have to say that this job has been about the WORST thing for my distractability issues. It’s tiring, it’s distracting by nature, it’s chaotic, it’s loud, it’s bright, and there is no real direction anymore. I know, I know — that’s how it is pretty much everywhere. But I have never ever worked in a place that didn’t actually allow you to block the line of sight to distracting movements with a wall of some kind, and that had absolutely NO barriers to sound and light. This god-awful place makes cube farms look like nirvana.

Anyway, I’m re-adjusting my re-tooling approach, and I’ve identified a bunch of ways I can not only add to my skillset with new abilities, but also make the most of my past and present experience. I’ve identified some core themes to my work history, which eluded me before — areas where I have worked a lot and had considerable responsibility, influence, and success. I’ve done some market research relating to salaries, and I see a new direction I should go in.

It’s actually not a “new” direction for me — I’ve been doing this for years. It’s a new direction for my mindset and philosophy and approach to this job search.

You know, it’s funny — I never had this much trouble with the job search thing before. I always just moved, and there was someone ready to take me on. The thing is, my past screw-ups and mistakes and mis-steps from the years right after my TBI have caught up with me. People look very closely at your resume, these days, because there are so many posers out there, and there are so many people who’ve gotten burned by them. I had a period where I was moving from job to job every 3 months or so, and during that period, my TBI was catching up with me and making it harder and harder for me to focus, concentrate, interact with others, keep my cool, and be the best I could be. And it’s been increasingly difficult for me to just pick things up and retain them the way I used to. My memory is not what it could be, which really sucks, when it comes to learning new things.

Apparently, that’s a common theme with TBI — learning new stuff can be a challenge.

On the bright side, my past abilities with certain types of work still seems very much intact, and I need to remember that. I’m pretty skilled in certain ways, and I need to identify those ways and make the most of them.

It’s all a work in progress… but now I’m a lot closer to my goal than I was just a few weeks ago, and that feels pretty good.

Onward.

Figuring out how to relax… and get on with things

The flood doesn’t have to last forever

I’m running a little late this morning. I was supposed to have an early phone call with a colleague on the other side of the world, this morning, but that was cancelled — partly because they told me they would be traveling at the end of this week, but I didn’t put it together that I should reschedule our meeting till when they got back.

No worries, though. They reminded me of it, and I’m rescheduling, so that’s fine.

In the past, I would have really given myself a hard time for not putting that together. I would have been unsparing and relentless in my self-criticism, and by the end of my internal tirade against myself, I would have reached the conclusion that I am good for nothing and I can’t do much of anything at all. It’s happened before, lots of times – especially at times when I’ve forgotten to reschedule meetings.

Today that didn’t happen.

If anything, I was relieved that I didn’t have to get on the call right after I woke up. I have had a couple of late-evening calls with colleagues, for the past couple of days, and I haven’t been able to get in bed before 11:00, or sleep past 7, which means I’m getting 6-7 hours of sleep, when I should be getting 8+. Oh, well. At least I’m not getting 4-5 hours, like I was last week.

I felt a bit foolish for a little bit, having spaced out on the schedule thing, then I just got on with my morning. I’ve had some time to check my personal email and make a list of things I need to get done today — and wonder of wonders, I don’t have anything scheduled for this evening, so I can take care of some things for one of the projects I’m working on.

There’s been an interesting change with me, lately. It happened around the time when I went to see my family and got out of my daily routine rut. There was a LOT of driving involved, I did NOT sleep very well, and the whole time was pretty uncomfortable for me in a lot of ways. But I handled myself extremely well, and as a result, no relationships were trashed or threatened, and there was no left-over biochemical sludge that I needed to clear out of my system.

Also, all during the trip, I was practicing the “90-second clearing” that helped me to regain my balance after upsetting or unsettling or anxiety-producing discussions or situations.

Basically this “90-second clearing” works this way:

1. I pay attention to my stress level, my physical situation — am I stressed? Am I relaxed? Am I getting tense and uptight? When I think about a picture of how I’m feeling, do I see a crazy line chart that looks like a craggy mountain range, with the line going wildly up and down to extremes?
2. If I am getting tense and uptight, I stop what I am doing and thinking, and I take a break for a minute and a half.  I stop the reaction to what’s happening. I stop the racing thoughts. I stop the escalation. I stop the fast breathing.
3. Then I breathe slowly for about a minute and a half — sometimes I need less time — until I feel “level” again.  I think about what my state of mind and body looks like, and if I see a line that looks like a nice little wave, or gently rolling hills, I know I’m good.
4. Then I can get back to doing what I was thinking and saying and doing before.
5. Then I can relax.

By stopping the crazy escalation and bringing myself back to a point of biochemical equilibrium (many times during my vacation), I was able to keep my head from going nuts over passing things. It wasn’t about tamping down my experience and suppressing my feelings and reactions — it was about just letting it all come… and then letting it all go… and moving on.

I’ve continued to do it, too — with good results. In fact, I just did it this morning, when my spouse and I were having a heated discussion about something that wasn’t going right, and we were both getting pretty uptight and tweaked over the situation. It wasn’t something that either of us had done “wrong”, just something that was wrong that I needed to fix — and we were starting to get pretty bent out of shape about it.

I managed to stop and just breathe for a minute or so, and the calming effect on me also had a calming effect on my spouse. I could relax. So could both of us. Good stuff. And now I can get on with my day.

This is a big change with me. I mean, just the fact that I even know what it feels like to relax, is a change. Up until about 5-6 years ago, that never happened. I had no idea what relaxation really felt like, and I wasn’t interested in finding out. I just needed to be ON. I just needed to be UP. I just needed to be GO-GO-GO, all the live-long day. And frankly it was tearing the sh*t out of me and my life and my relationships. Especially after my TBI in 2004, when suddenly I was unable to keep it together and manage the GO-GO-GO in a sensible way.

Then I started doing “stress hardiness optimization” which is guided meditation for first responders and other people in high-stress conditions. I figured that applied to me pretty well — especially since I felt like I was always responding to emergencies in my life on a personal level. That trained me to physically relax, with progressive relaxation.

Mentally relaxing and being able to just let things go, however, still eluded me.

But over time, the more I’ve relaxed physically and the more capable I’ve become at understanding and managing my own “internal state”, the better I’ve become at being able to relax my mind as well as my body.

Ironically, one of the things that’s helped me to relax my mind, is coming to realize that no matter what the circumstances, I’ll be able to figure something out. It may not be perfect, it may not be what I want, but I’ll be able to deal. I’ll be able to manage myself and my situation. I’ll be able to handle things. The 90-second clearing is a huge piece of the puzzle that helps me incredibly.

First, it defines my internal state of anxiety and upset as a biochemical thing. It’s not that something is wrong with me, and I cannot handle things. It’s my body reacting to what’s going on, trying to help me rise to the occasion with a flood of biochemical stress hormones that are specifically designed to kick me into action. It’s a purely physical reaction.

Second, it’s all about recognizing that my body can be a little “behind the times” — and my mind / awareness can jump in to help it calm down. My fight-flight system (like everyone’s) is quick to react, but slow to back off — once engaged, my fight-flight system doesn’t want to let go. It wants to keep me safe. It keeps escalating, until the “danger” has passed, but it doesn’t always realize that a “danger” is not actually dangerous. So I have to help it do that. It’s not doing it by itself. It needs my awareness to help. Which I can do.

Third, it’s about exercising my mind in very basic ways — just paying attention to how I’m feeling, and doing very simple things to adjust. It’s not about some elaborate plan that will require tons of practice and has to be done just right. It’s about just noticing what’s going on with me, and doing something with it. Taking action. Working with my situation to turn it in a different direction — adding important ingredients — elements of balance and just plain feeling good, which is a new experience for me. Just plain feeling good… what a concept.

Last of all, it just works. Slow breathing for a minute and a half puts a halt to my downward slide and stops the escalation in its tracks. I’ve used it a number of times in a number of different situations, with excellent results. I can’t even begin to explain how great it feels to have the waves of anxiety and dread and fight-flight sludge back off — to feel them subside, leaving calm in their place. It’s like the flood waters of the Nile are receding, leaving fertile fields awaiting a new season of crops. And it leaves me feeling awake and confident and better than I did before.

Feeling tight and cramped and anxious and nervous and antagonistic feels like crap, I have to say.

Feeling loosened up and relaxed and strong and flexible and friendly feels pretty awesome.

90 seconds is all it takes, too (well, sometimes it takes longer, but not more than a few minutes). It “resets” me, “reboots” my brain. And it lets me get on with my life. Relaxed, confident, and with a lot more better ideas than I had just a few minutes before.

 

 

The magical learning loop

Look – learn – act – look – and learn again

Speaking of re-adjusting and recalibrating, I had an epiphany in the grocery store the other evening, when I was picking up supper after a long day of yard work. I was dog-tired from working, I was a bit banged-up from moving and lifting and hauling, but I felt great. As I was walking through the store, I was getting sort of confused, not being sure where I was or where I was going. No biggie. It happens. I get disoriented for a few seconds — usually because I’m overwhelmed with the bright lights and the activity around me and fatigue — so I stop what I’m doing, I take a few breaths, I look at my list, and I continue on. This happened several times, and after the 2nd or 3rd time, I realized that it really wasn’t bothering me. I was so friggin’ tired (I worked my ass off on Saturday and never got the nap I needed), and I was out of it and spaced out and disoriented and feeling like a zonked out zombie. But it didn’t bother me. I just dealt with it.

This is a huge change from how things used to be — I used to get so worked up and bent out of shape about this kind of stuff. I would get anxious and nervous, my heart would start to pound, my head would start to race, and I’d have all these crazy thoughts running wild in my brain. It would practically incapacitate me, and it just freaked me out. And in the process, things would get even worse than they already were. And I’d be even more disoriented, confused, and forgetful.

But yesterday it didn’t. It just sort of was what it was… I knew I was tired — and for a very good reason. I knew that when I get tired I get forgetful and spaced out. I also noticed that there were a lot of people around me who were in really crappy shape — the father who couldn’t keep his kids in line without yelling at them… the guy who was all over the produce section with his cart… the ladies who were so engrossed in the displays that they blocked the aisle with their carts and wouldn’t let anyone pass… everybody was sort of at their wits’ end — probably for the same reason I was — we’d all been working our asses off for the past two days, maybe longer.

At the same time, the folks who worked in the store were very cool. They greeted me like they knew me, even though I didn’t recognize them. Maybe I should have recognized them – I don’t know. All I know is that they were very pleasant and personable, and it’s always nice to have someone greet you and treat you like a decent human being.

I also noticed that I was really relaxed. I mean, really relaxed. I was tired, yes. I was out of my head, yes. But I was relaxed and chilled out and putting out a vibe of real confidence and calm. I was dropping stuff left and right, bumping into things, forgetting things, not knowing where I was or what I was doing, here and there. But it wasn’t bothering me. I just kept going. I just kept on keeping on.

And it worked.

Not only did I pick up all the supper items on my list, but I also remembered a bunch of other things we needed, and I came home with two full bags of groceries that we needed for the coming week. Score.

And then I went out and seeded my lawn — at least, that’s what I thought I was doing… until I realized that I’d bought fertilizer earlier that day, not seed. And I was going to miss the opportunity to seed my messed up lawn before the rain comes later this week. That really threw me for a loop – I had it carefully planned, how I’d rake up all the dead grass, then seed, and water, and then I would be done for a few days.

Except that I didn’t buy grass seed.

After getting a little tweaked over it, I let that go and just decided to fertilize my lawn instead. God knows, it needs it. So, I got out my spreader, gave my lawn a nice dose of fertilizer, and watered afterwards. It wasn’t a total waste, and in fact, it’s probably an even better idea than seeding right off the bat. I just picked up seed the next day, when I was less tired and could read and comprehend the labels on the bags — which was giving me a LOT of trouble at the hardware store the day I bought the fertilizer — I could hardly comprehend anything I was reading, and the words weren’t making any sense to me. But I got in and out without too much drama.

Anyway, this is something new for me — not only taking steps to avoid issues, but learning how to gracefully handle the times when issues are in my face and unavoidable. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been pretty focused on keeping bad things from happening. A huge amount of anxiety has followed me everywhere in life because of that. But now I’m getting the hang of not having the screw-ups really screw me up — just learning my lesson, dealing with what comes up, and getting on with the next thing.

Just keeping moving. Learning. Living. Using what I learn in that “learning loop” and taking things to the next step without missing a beat. Paying attention to the feedback that comes from the world around me and finding the pieces that will help me get to the next level — or just to the next step.

And trusting that I will be able to apply what I’ve learned in a way that makes things better the next time.

Working my plan(s)

Got a ton of stuff done over the weekend. Sore as hell, but it’s a good sore — the kind that tells me I was productive.

Spring is definitely here, and with it comes a sudden surge in energy. The trip to see family did me good, in that it broke me out of my rut and got me thinking again about how I want my life to be, and how I need to shape it. Seeing my family members — both sides — all pretty much stuck in their status quo lives, with their resignation to “how things are” and their petty in-fighting and their self-satisfaction over “accomplishments” which are from just doing what they’ve been told to do, year after year… that was so depressing.

But it woke me up. Status quo… they can keep it. I’m much more interested in living my life, living it as an adventure rather than a task list, and really experiencing things around me — not just slogging through with “just a job” till retirement shows up.

Because to be perfectly honest, I don’t think I’m going to be retiring anytime soon — probably not at all.

See, here’s the thing. I have no retirement savings. Zip – nada – zilch. I am barely keeping afloat with my everyday expenses, let alone building up some savings. Adding any money to a 401(k) or an IRA is a joke to me – I cannot afford to contribute even 1% of my earnings. Truly. So, even though much of the working world has rearranged itself to have people my age retire around age 55  (which gives me about 7 years), the simple fact is, I’m going to be working well into my 80s, maybe beyond — if I live that long.

So, the pressure is off, in terms of retirement timeline. And there’s really no reason for me to freak out over things like saving enough for retirement, paying for medication and all those other expenses that aging people accrue. Because I’m not going to stop working anytime soon. I will always have an income, doing something. And I’m fine with it.

My family members are a little horrified by the idea, but who the hell cares? They can have their retirements. They can fade into the background. They can drift away into a life of leisurely “rewards” for all the crap they’ve had to put up with, all those years.

Me? I’d rather not have to put up with the crap… be happy while I’m working (not after)… have a life I can enjoy, right here and right now… and continue to be active and engaged long into the future.

That means getting up and going. Doing. Being active. Keeping things going. And constantly re-adjusting and recalibrating as time goes on.  Not getting stuck with one set idea about How Things Should Be. It’s pointless for me to latch onto that, because it just doesn’t happen for me the way it does for others. This is not a criticism of myself, nor is it a reason for despair. This is just how things are with me – no reason to be upset or be down on myself. Just to acknowledge and adapt accordingly and really live to the max.

See, that’s the thing — everything in the world doesn’t need to be established and “perfect” and according to plan. All around me, people are so invested in the status quo, in being part of the establishment, in “playing their part” in the Big, Big World. That’s fine, but there are other things to do, and there are other ways to be, and sometimes it’s perfectly fine to be on the margins, to live the alternatives, and to walk to the edge and see what is there.

It’s like we’re all in this big boat, and most people I know are trying to stay near the center line of the boat, so it keeps its balance and it doesn’t tip over. When I am most anxious and tired and beside myself with worry, this is how I become. But there are some of us who would rather sit (or stand or climb) to the far edges of the boat, so we can have a better view. And we worry less about falling in, because we know we can swim.

I can swim. That’s for sure. And I don’t mind the edges of the boat. I don’t mind the wind in my hair, I don’t mind the mess, the spray, the salty residue that cakes on my face and hands. In fact, I rather enjoy it. Because it’s life. It’s just life. Sailing is dangerous stuff, to be sure, but I’m no good at the center of the boat. And everyone who is trying to put (and keep) me there — as much as they may mean well — is holding me back from living my life.

My family means well. Most of the people around me at work and in the community mean well. My healthcare providers mean well. They want me to be safe.

But safe is a terrible place for me to be. It’s dull and drab and it doesn’t keep me awake — literally. I’ve been hit in the head too many times — my tonic arousal (how awake my brain is) tends to be for shit, especially when I’m tired and overworked. My brain gets sleepy and it gets slow, when things are too safe and secure.

I need to be out on the edge, seeing what else is out there. I don’t need dysfunction, and I don’t need artificial drama. I need authentic, daring life that has something to offer me besides safety and security.

I need something more. Something real. Something untamed. Something leading-edge and vibrant. It’s not that I don’t want to plan my life and follow through. I don’t want some loosey-goosey flit-flitting around from one thing to the next. That’s fun, but it leads me nowhere. I need to move forward into areas that far exceed what others think or believe is possible for them — and me. I need to test waters and see what else can be done, what else can be achieved. The plans of the status quo are not for me. I need my own plans — and I’ve got them. I’m working on them. And things are coming along — not the way others envision, but the way I envision.

And with that, I’m off to start my day. We’ll see what happens. For real.

How, I do not know. But that is not the point.

I have to pay a bill. It’s actually a series of payments I owe someone — and I owe this person a lot. They’ve been patient with me. For years. And it’s time for me to pay up.

How I will come up with the money, I am not sure. I’ll have to see what I can do. I need to do something. I have to. It’s not right, for me to leave this the way it is.

I have to fix this. How, I do not know. But that’s not the point. The point is that I will.

Times like this, prayer becomes appealing.

What went wrong, what went right

Lose some… and win some too

So, I had an interesting vacation with my family, last week. I took some time and traveled to visit the folks we hadn’t gotten to see over the holidays, when both my spouse and I were sick and could not travel.

It was an interesting mix – a lot of things got screwed up, but a lot of things went really well.

What went wrong:

1. I was helping my parents with their gardens. My father asked me to connect the hose to the spigot on the side of the house and join together two lengths of hose, so he could water his new lettuce and beets and onions in the back garden. I managed that, no problem. But when it came time to reconfigure the hose, I got completely confused. He asked me to 1) turn off the water at the spigot, and 2) disconnect the two hoses at the center, so he could attach the one nearest him to his rain barrel in the back.  Simple, right? I thought so, too… until I turned off the water and then proceeded to try to unscrew the hose from the spigot. The hose was screwed on tight, and I had to go get a rag to get a tighter grip on the coupling. It wasn’t until I got the coupling off — after many minutes of sweating it out — that I realized that I wasn’t supposed to disconnect that  – I was supposed to disconnect the other end of the hose from the second length. As so often happened when I was a kid, my father was futzing around with something or other in the back, impatiently waiting for me to figure things out. Eventually I got it right, but only after getting it wrong the first time — and using up a lot of time doing the wrong thing right.
2. I lost my prescription sunglasses. I have no idea where they are. Last I remembered, they were in the side compartment in the door of my brother-in-law’s SUV. I called to ask if my in-laws had found them, but no dice. My very expensive prescription sunglasses could be gone for good.
3. I left the gas on in my in-laws’ house. Anybody could have made the mistake, really, but the fact that it was me, really freaks me out. It’s not the sort of thing I generally do. But I was so tired and out of it… Basically, one of the knobs on the gas stove was broken. My in-laws don’t have a teakettle – they use a coffee maker – and I needed to make a cup of coffee. So, I used the stove and a saucepan with water in it. The first knob I tried turned on, and it was fine. But I couldn’t figure out how to turn it off. There was a steady flame, even when I turned the knob to the “off” position. I finally got it to turn out, and I thought everything was okay. I didn’t smell gas, and neither did my in-laws when they got up later. But then later, we went out… and when we came back, the kitchen smelled like gas, and my brother-in-law had to turn off the knob, which was screwy. For the record, I friggin’ hate gas stoves. And I hate coffee makers. And I hate having to heat water on a stove. Luckily, the house did not blow up when we came in and turned on the lights. I think there was enough of a cross-breeze to ventilate. But still, it’s not a great feeling, to leave the gas on in your hosts’ house.
4. I couldn’t sleep. I got between 4 and 6 hours a night. It was really rough, and I’m still struggling with my sleep.

Now, for the things that went right:

1. I got to spend some good time with my folks. Not as much as we’d been hoping to, but still it was something. I got to see their gardens, and I got to just be there with them, even though tensions were high with some health issues that family members have been having. I’ve been hearing all about how terrible things are going, from people who were sharing news. But when I got there, it seemed to me that people were actually handling things pretty well, under the circumstances, so it wasn’t all a catastrophe.
2. I didn’t lose it over misplacing my prescription sunglasses. I went out and got myself some clip-ons that actually fit my regular glasses really well — and also look better than my prescription ones, which I bought with a whole paycheck, about 23 years ago. As familiar as they had been, and as much as everyone always told me they liked them, it was a pain in the ass to have to have two pairs of glasses on me, at any point in time. I need sunglasses way too much and way too often and under too many different circumstances, to enjoy switching between regular specs and shades, every 15 minutes. This way is much easier. And I also like not having to worry about losing or damaging what I’ve got – if these shades break, I can always get new ones, no problem.
3. I didn’t lose it over leaving the gas on at my in-laws. True, it’s a pretty embarrassing (not to mention dangerous) situation, but unlike before, this time I did not let it take over my life and turn me into a wreck. In the past, I have gotten completely derailed by things not going right, or screwing something up, and I’ve retreated into my shell to “protect” the rest of the world from me and my screw-ups. This time, I felt like crap for about 6 hours, then I let it go. I apologized profusely, and then got on with just living my life. That, my friends, is progress.
4. I managed my fatigue pretty well. I laid down and took naps when I could. I took it easy and didn’t push myself too hard. I could really tell just how tired I was (and I can tell I still am), and I acted accordingly. I didn’t just push through for the sake of pushing through. I was flexible. I pulled over and slept, instead of keeping on driving through, when I was so damned exhausted. I hate being that tired, and it has a negative impact on me, but at least I didn’t let it wreck my time.

So, things weren’t perfect – far from it. There was the usual family tension and the usual frustrations. There was the expense of traveling and the time I lost from projects at work. But overall it was a good time, and I’m glad we went. It will take me days to catch up with myself, but catch up I will. I’ve got a good open schedule ahead of me in the coming weeks, and I am honing my approach to my job search and skills building, narrowing all the things I am planning to learn and practice, so I don’t overwhelm myself.

One thing about intense fatigue, it forces me to make choices, to rule things out. When I’m energized and feeling “up”, I tend to take on too much, I don’t pay attention, and then things get screwed up. But when I’m tired, I focus more, I take more time to double-check my work, and ironically things tend to turn out better. I still feel like sh*t, but at least I’m the only one who’s suffering.

Tutorials for dealing with TBI

Dealing with TBI takes a team effort

Dealing with TBI can be hugely confusing and frustrating. There is so much information out there – some of it conflicting, some of it duplicated, a lot of it outdated (and never updated on the web, because people stop updating their web pages). So, finding useful information that cuts to the chase, that’s practical, and offers more than just a marketing promotion can be a challenge. Fortunately, there are such resources out there. Project LEARNet is one of them.

Project LEARNet, which is “A Resource for Teachers, Clinicians, Parents, and Students by the Brain Injury Association of New York State”, has some great tutorials on Common Issues for students after TBI. Don’t let the focus on kids / students deter you – these are great resources for anyone who is seeking to better understand TBI. Check out the tutorials here. They are downloadable PDFs that you can print and take with you – great stuff!

All Project LEARNet Tutorials
1. Assessment Issues
2. Cognitive/Academic Issues
3. Self-Regulation/Executive Function Issues
4. Behavioral Issues
5. Social/Emotional Issues
6. Family Issues
7. Physical/Medical Issues

It is so rare to find a concentration of truly helpful information in one place. Also very useful, for anyone seeking to better understand TBI, is their page on Problems Seen after TBI. You can read about them here and then follow the links for more information and specific tutorials. They cover many different bases on their “Problems Seen” pages – general medical possibilities, cognitive/self-regulatory, behavioral, and social/emotional possibilities for the source of the problems.

If you’ve got these issues – or you’re dealing with someone who does – this is a great place to start.

Again, don’t let the focus on kids/students dissuade you. This is good and useful information and it can be of great help to just about anyone trying to figure out WTF?! after TBI.

Brain Injury Resources Updated – general info and Behavioral Stuff

Modulate… modulate

I have been meaning to do some more work on my Brain Injury Recovery Tools pages. So, this morning, I did. There’s nothing like doing something for someone else, to get you out of a funk. There is a lot that I need to add to this tools section. I don’t think it will ever be “done”. There is a lot of information that I need to find. And there is a lot of information that I need to screen out, because it’s a thinly veiled advertisement for services. Brain injury issues are so pervasive and so problematic for so many, it just makes sense to pull out everything I can find — in my files as well as my bookmarks and favorite sites — and post it. It’s also helpful for me, too, because I tend to forget about this stuff and overlook that I’ve got some pretty great resources available right in front of me.

I just added a few links on the “different flavors” of brain injury page for overview information and resources on ABI, TBI, Stroke, and Concussion. There is a ton of information out there to sort through, so I’m trying to keep it pretty simple and just list overview stuff. Folks with more time (and probably more patience) than I can Google away and see what else is out there. One of the biggest problems with finding information is that there’s just so much… and often the information that’s there is funded or outright provided by commercial interests, such as rehabs or healthcare providers. That’s the case with some of the ABI resources I found. But at the same time, they do have some interesting videos and some useful links, so I figured I’d include them and hope for the best.

I also added to the Behavioral Issues page – a few links to Impulsiveness issues, courtesy of Give Back LA. The Give Back material has helped me tremendously over the years, and it’s well worth reading — and re-reading. Here’s what I added on my Impulsiveness page:

• For Survivors: Managing Impulsive and Inappropriate Propitiate Behavior – check this out for some great survivor info from Give Back LA — Summary: Nothing produces more interpersonal problems than impulsive behavior. It is the behavioral trademark of head injury. Impulsive behavior can be controlled much of the time if you anticipate doing it and prepare for it. Strategies can be very effective if they are planned out ahead of time. You can get even more control by role playing the situation ahead of time.

• For Family & Caregivers: Managing Impulsive and Inappropriate Behavior – check this out for some excellent caregiver information from Give Back LA — Impulsive behavior–actions not thought through–probably impacts your life and your loved one’s more than any other deficit. Impulsive behavior is what embarrasses the family in public places and social gatherings. It is why adolescent siblings and old friends don’t want to be seen with the survivor. It is the source of so many kinds of inconsiderate behavior, words or actions produced without any awareness of how you will feel or be affected…

I really want to add even more, and I will. I just don’t have a lot of time right now, and I need to get on with my day. I’ll need a nap this afternoon, as well as a lot of stamina, as I’ve got weeks of procrastination to make up for. But I’ll make up for it. And I will get my nap.

Onward.

Back to some productivity

You betcha

Wow, I can really tell I’ve been away. My head is in a whirl, thinking about a ton of different things, not staying “on point” very well. I have a lot of chores and errands I need to do today, to get myself and my house back up to speed, but I’m scattered. And I’m not sleeping well. The trip really took a lot out of me. It’s going to take me a while to get back.

I met with my neuropsych last week, and we discussed how I’m doing and where I’m at — after my last set of test results, which came back great, they’re feeling pretty good about my situation… as far as they can tell. I did mention, however, that things have been less than rosy in a number of different areas. In the past few years, I’ve been hounded by creditors, threatened by lawyers, dragged into court several times, had a close call with a suspected cancer scare, I’ve been dissed and demoted at my job, cheated on by my spouse (who is making increasingly bad decisions in their life, I’m sorry to say), betrayed by “good” friends, had a few run-ins with police, my money is at an all-time low just as I have house repairs I need to make, I can’t sleep for shit, and I have had a ton of physical pain.

My neuropsych is actually unaware of most of this. And they got a bit upset when I mentioned dealing with lawyers over money, the other day. They asked if I was keeping things from them. It’s not that I “keep things from them” — well, maybe I do — but I just can’t deal with all the processing around such things. It’s way too overwhelming, and when I discuss things with people in person, it usually gets me even more confused and turned around, and it keeps me from being able to just handle things. I guess I’m too independent for that.

I’m also a very non-verbal person, when I’m not writing in this blog. Most of my problem-solving for Really Big Deals takes place with visuals and pictures and non-verbal / spatial conceptualizations — I have a very clear view of how I’m going to do things, step by step, and that view is spatial & logistical, not verbal. When I try to put it all into words in conversation, it’s just too confusing for me, and it blocks my progress. I can never articulate exactly what I am thinking and feeling and experiencing, and it ends up sounding lame — like I’m just complaining.

I also have a hard time discussing things while they’re happening – I need some space from them, to get my head around them and understand how I feel about them. Otherwise, I get overwhelmed, and I end up shutting down or breaking down, neither of which is helpful for me. So, when I talk about Reall Big Things, it’s usually after the fact. It’s just how I am. It’s not a trust thing. It’s logistics. So my neuropsych can quit being so sensitive and feeling left out. They just need to let me do what I need to do, and provide support and feedback only for what I want to bring up.

Yeah, my life is way more eventful than it “should” be. It’s way more eventful than I would like it to be. Oh, well.

Not that I’m complaining. On the contrary. Things are sh*tty, but I feel good. And I think that because my mood is good and my ability to function and my self-confidence have all improved vastly over the past several years – especially since I started this whole tbi recovery process – they think that things are much better than they are.

Objectively speaking, if you look at things from a certain angle, they actually suck bilgewater. A lot of people I know would be totally traumatized by the stuff that’s going on with me. And I don’t think my neuropsych has the first clue that so much is falling to pieces with me. I just haven’t talked about it much because I can’t wrap my head around it, and I’d rather just soldier through than process it and discuss. It would take 20 hours a week to sort through it all, and I just don’t have that kind of time.

But on the other hand, if you look at things differently, everything is good – excellent – very hopeful (!). I have a ton of great prospects, I’m engaged in my life, I’m learning, and I’m not thrown off by all this stuff. Not completely, anyway. I’m hangin’ in there, and things are progressing. I’m like an action figure / folk hero. At least in my mind Nothing valuable comes for free. It just doesn’t. I reckon, I’m getting what I pay for.

Plus, after a really intense bout of depression the other night, I decided to just say f*ck it all and give up … for the time being. Just quit trying to make everything turn out a different way, and pray more. Maybe start going to church again. I don’t know. I felt like sh*t, the other night, but I knew it would pass. I would get some sleep. I would wake up the next morning feeling different. I would get back into my routine. I would continue to brush up on my skills. And I’d just friggin’ let go of stuff I can’t control and seem to “handle”.

It worked, pretty much. I went to bed. I didn’t get nearly enough sleep – I’ve been waking up at 4:30 like clockwork, lately, even if I just get in bed at 11:30 – and I felt like death warmed-over yesterday. And my frame of mind was better, but not stellar. But screw it, at least I got myself up and out in to the day. And I got a lot done, actually. That “giving up” business actually helped a bit. And despite the knee-deep manure I seem to be wading through at any given point in time, I’m hopeful. I’m cheery. I’m optimistic in a blithely pessimistic sort of way. My expectations are quite low. So when things go right — as they often do — it’s a wonderful surprise and a pick-me-up.

My state of mind notwithstanding, at least I’m on my way back to my regular routine now. Nothing is perfect. My life is a work in progress. And all this brouhaha has helped me develop a high tolerance for crazy crap happening all around me, so I don’t get completely derailed by it. I have a plan for moving forward. And I’m following my plan. So, it’s good. It’s fine. Some things really truly suck in my life, but I don’t feel like talking about those things right now. I’m going to focus on the good things. And get on with my life.

Onward.

KISS — Keep It Super Simple

I can complicate things pretty easily

I have friends in recovery who say that “KISS” stands for “Keep It Simple, Stupid”.  I get it. They don’t want to get too cocky, so they tell themselves they’re “stupid”. That’s fine, if it works for them, but I have had so many people telling me I’m an idiot, over the years, that adding myself to that list doesn’t help much.

I like the abbreviation KISS, but I need something that’s more than just name-calling.

So, how ’bout this — KEEP IT SUPER SIMPLE.

Yeah, that works – not just in the choice of words, but also in the spirit of things.

Keeping It Super Simple is more than a motto – it’s a way of life. I’m realizing, more and more, that I’ve been over-complicating my life, thinking I need to “re-engineer” my life. I get caught up in all sorts of grand meta-projects, which promise (in my mind) to wholly transform my existence.

But what I really need to do is simplify things and stick closer to home, honing the things that I already have, and not worrying so much about wholesale transformation. I need to start where I am and keep things super-simple, so that I don’t get too overwhelmed.

Overwhelm is a huge problem for me. I realize that more and more, as I branch out and become more pro-active in my life, rather than just reactive. I’ve been responding to crises for so long, it’s second nature to me, but taking action and being pro-active and deciding what direction I am going to go in, and how I’m going to get there… that’s new for me. Like anything new, it takes practice. And it’s not all that easy. Most new things aren’t, after all.

What I’ve noticed is that when I get my heart set on something, I can get very “romantically involved” with it — I love the idea of doing such-and-such — becoming the World’s Greatest Manager, for example. I become very enamored of the possibility and potential, and how it can transform the world around me. But in the process, I get caught up in all sorts of little details, I get side-tracked by different sorts of different information that seems intriguing and promising, and I eventually overwhelm myself with all the new information.

I get maxed out by all the excitement… and then the romance fades, the allure becomes tarnished, and I run out of energy. When I run out of energy, I feel like crap, and when I feel like crap, I start to get down on myself, and I’m just not a happy camper. And I forget — literally forget — about all the progress I’ve made, thinking that I’m just a loser who can’t keep their sh*t together.

I forget how much progress I’ve made. I forget what I’ve been doing, and why I’ve been doing. And I forget how much I love to do it, overwhelm or no.

This is what has happened with me a number of times, as I’ve tried to “re-tool” for my job change. I got into a lot of abstract theory and high-level consideration of the ephemera of what I’m studying – and I got so overwhelmed with all the information, that I lost sight of the ultimate goal — to get some solid experience doing things, to build up my portfolio, to demonstrate what I do, and to brush up on my skills at doing it.

I’ve just recently pulled myself out of yet another tailspin, refocusing myself on what I really need to be doing. I kind of went overboard with the abstract stuff and veered off course, only to find myself back in the same old cul-de-sac of unhappiness and discontent, which I was trying to get out of. It’s like I am driving around in a new neighborhood, and I’m so busy looking at my GPS that has old data, that I miss the turns right in front of me that are newer than the GPS data.

I need to quit looking at the GPS and just drive the car, you know?

Anyway, I’m feeling better this morning, because I’ve done just that – gone back to building my portfolio and working on my skills and refocusing on where I need to concentrate. I had a lot of grand plans in my head about what BIG THINGS I was going to do with myself, but what I really need to do is focus on the basics, the essentials… and make sure that the right people can see what I’m up to. I have spent way too much time in my life not telling others about what I’ve been up to – not showing them, not telling them, just keeping it to myself. And that hasn’t helped my career or my future very much. In the cases where I was working with people who knew me, I was fine. But showing up to deal with others who don’t… it’s a huge problem that is holding me back.

So, I’m getting past that. Being social on a much more professional scale. And getting on with things. Just getting on with them. Not holding back, but really showing what I can do. It’s not vanity, it’s not cocky pride, it’s just being honest about what I’ve got to offer, which is a lot.

Anyway, the day is waiting. Time to get a move on and see what else can happen for me. And not call myself “stupid”.