Guerilla job changes on a shoestring

The preparation for my job change continues, with some much-needed adaptations. I spent a fair amount of time over the past month or so, studying up on new material I felt I needed to learn and know, in order to move into my next position. I am highly motivated, and I know I need to move on to something more challenging in an environment that’s more high-performance. Right now, the company I’m with is pretty invested in chronic under-achievement — not because they can’t do better, but because they’d rather run around like chickens with their heads cut off and *feel* productive, than actually *be* productive.

Those of us who have years and years of skills and experience are on the outside — the folks on the inside who get to make the big decisions and influence people — are relative newcomers to the industry they’re trying to take over, and it’s just embarrassing, watching them make the decisions and do the things they do. When we speak up and try to help steer them away from the cliff, we are summarily dismissed. And I’m being paid about 20% less than I could (and should) be, which is just ridiculous. I have recruiters contacting me constantly for jobs that look great, so there’s really no reason to for me to stay.

What’s the point?

So yeah, I’m looking for a new job. That’s a no-brainer. But the timing has to be done right, because there’s a big project I’m working on that is affecting a bunch of people I’ve worked with for years, whom I really care about. I’m not going to ditch them before we finish up in September. Then, I am gone, baby, gone.

And in anticipation of that, I am “re-tooling” my skillset — brushing up on technologies and topics that are in demand, these days, so I can be more useful in the job market.

The only thing is, over the past couple of months, I have not hit the goals I had for myself — to study and practice x-amount of material each week. I have had the best of intentions, and I have really tried, but it just didn’t happen. And it’s been getting me down.

See, the thing is, I get tired. Fatigue is a huge factor in all of this, and when I’m tired, I don’t manage my time well, I don’t read or comprehend well, I don’t feel like I know what I’m doing, and it just pulls the rug out from underneath me. It’s been very dispiriting, seeing myself fall behind in my own personal goals, feeling my future slipping from my grasp. There is no way I can put myself out there as an expert in these areas and hope to compete with folks who are younger and fresher and more experienced than myself. It’s a real concern, and a very real issue. I can’t afford to have my reputation smeared, and I can’t afford to get into a work arrangement where I am out-matched by my workload and I end up melting down. It’s happened before, and it’s not fun.

So, rather than feeling badly about myself and undercut my future, I’ve stepped back (during my most recent vacation) and taken a closer look at what I need to do to make a move.

I need to:

• Present myself as an expert in my field — I’ve been doing technical work since 1992, and it should show,
• Have a skillset that is fresh and current,
• Show that I have been doing this skilled work on a daily basis in my current and past positions,
• Be up-to-date on the minutiae of my particular specialty,
• Have a portfolio of real world results to show for my work, and
• Have all of this in place within the next two months, when I will start my formal job search.

I figure it can take me up to three months to find another position that suits me, and I won’t be ready to move till late September. So, I need to have things in place to send out to recruiters — and I need to have a portfolio of results I’ve produced — around mid-July timeframe. That leaves me with about eight weeks to put things together, while I’m also keeping my current job going, keeping up on my rest, and going about my everyday life.

I do not have a lot of resources, energy-wise.

I do not have a lot of extra discretionary time, because my work is pretty consuming and I have a LOT going on.

So, I need to do this on a shoestring.

That being said, I’ve taken a closer look at my job history, and I’ve realized that there are a lot of things I do (or could be doing) on a daily basis in my current job that actually support my future job change. I have a lot of different aspects to my job, and it can be very confusing, figuring out which is which and what I am actually doing with myself. It probably sounds a bit dense, but I am so overwhelmed on a daily basis by all the details and “trees” that I lose sight of the forest. And I also get so caught up in putting out fires, that I don’t actually do the work that’s strategically aligned with my future. I am so busy chasing down missing pieces of puzzles and fixing things that are broken (by other people who don’t do their friggin’ jobs) that I lose sight of the big-picture work I am doing. I lose sight of the big picture, period.

As an aside, I have to say that this job has been about the WORST thing for my distractability issues. It’s tiring, it’s distracting by nature, it’s chaotic, it’s loud, it’s bright, and there is no real direction anymore. I know, I know — that’s how it is pretty much everywhere. But I have never ever worked in a place that didn’t actually allow you to block the line of sight to distracting movements with a wall of some kind, and that had absolutely NO barriers to sound and light. This god-awful place makes cube farms look like nirvana.

Anyway, I’m re-adjusting my re-tooling approach, and I’ve identified a bunch of ways I can not only add to my skillset with new abilities, but also make the most of my past and present experience. I’ve identified some core themes to my work history, which eluded me before — areas where I have worked a lot and had considerable responsibility, influence, and success. I’ve done some market research relating to salaries, and I see a new direction I should go in.

It’s actually not a “new” direction for me — I’ve been doing this for years. It’s a new direction for my mindset and philosophy and approach to this job search.

You know, it’s funny — I never had this much trouble with the job search thing before. I always just moved, and there was someone ready to take me on. The thing is, my past screw-ups and mistakes and mis-steps from the years right after my TBI have caught up with me. People look very closely at your resume, these days, because there are so many posers out there, and there are so many people who’ve gotten burned by them. I had a period where I was moving from job to job every 3 months or so, and during that period, my TBI was catching up with me and making it harder and harder for me to focus, concentrate, interact with others, keep my cool, and be the best I could be. And it’s been increasingly difficult for me to just pick things up and retain them the way I used to. My memory is not what it could be, which really sucks, when it comes to learning new things.

Apparently, that’s a common theme with TBI — learning new stuff can be a challenge.

On the bright side, my past abilities with certain types of work still seems very much intact, and I need to remember that. I’m pretty skilled in certain ways, and I need to identify those ways and make the most of them.

It’s all a work in progress… but now I’m a lot closer to my goal than I was just a few weeks ago, and that feels pretty good.

Onward.

What went wrong, what went right

Lose some… and win some too

So, I had an interesting vacation with my family, last week. I took some time and traveled to visit the folks we hadn’t gotten to see over the holidays, when both my spouse and I were sick and could not travel.

It was an interesting mix – a lot of things got screwed up, but a lot of things went really well.

What went wrong:

1. I was helping my parents with their gardens. My father asked me to connect the hose to the spigot on the side of the house and join together two lengths of hose, so he could water his new lettuce and beets and onions in the back garden. I managed that, no problem. But when it came time to reconfigure the hose, I got completely confused. He asked me to 1) turn off the water at the spigot, and 2) disconnect the two hoses at the center, so he could attach the one nearest him to his rain barrel in the back.  Simple, right? I thought so, too… until I turned off the water and then proceeded to try to unscrew the hose from the spigot. The hose was screwed on tight, and I had to go get a rag to get a tighter grip on the coupling. It wasn’t until I got the coupling off — after many minutes of sweating it out — that I realized that I wasn’t supposed to disconnect that  – I was supposed to disconnect the other end of the hose from the second length. As so often happened when I was a kid, my father was futzing around with something or other in the back, impatiently waiting for me to figure things out. Eventually I got it right, but only after getting it wrong the first time — and using up a lot of time doing the wrong thing right.
2. I lost my prescription sunglasses. I have no idea where they are. Last I remembered, they were in the side compartment in the door of my brother-in-law’s SUV. I called to ask if my in-laws had found them, but no dice. My very expensive prescription sunglasses could be gone for good.
3. I left the gas on in my in-laws’ house. Anybody could have made the mistake, really, but the fact that it was me, really freaks me out. It’s not the sort of thing I generally do. But I was so tired and out of it… Basically, one of the knobs on the gas stove was broken. My in-laws don’t have a teakettle – they use a coffee maker – and I needed to make a cup of coffee. So, I used the stove and a saucepan with water in it. The first knob I tried turned on, and it was fine. But I couldn’t figure out how to turn it off. There was a steady flame, even when I turned the knob to the “off” position. I finally got it to turn out, and I thought everything was okay. I didn’t smell gas, and neither did my in-laws when they got up later. But then later, we went out… and when we came back, the kitchen smelled like gas, and my brother-in-law had to turn off the knob, which was screwy. For the record, I friggin’ hate gas stoves. And I hate coffee makers. And I hate having to heat water on a stove. Luckily, the house did not blow up when we came in and turned on the lights. I think there was enough of a cross-breeze to ventilate. But still, it’s not a great feeling, to leave the gas on in your hosts’ house.
4. I couldn’t sleep. I got between 4 and 6 hours a night. It was really rough, and I’m still struggling with my sleep.

Now, for the things that went right:

1. I got to spend some good time with my folks. Not as much as we’d been hoping to, but still it was something. I got to see their gardens, and I got to just be there with them, even though tensions were high with some health issues that family members have been having. I’ve been hearing all about how terrible things are going, from people who were sharing news. But when I got there, it seemed to me that people were actually handling things pretty well, under the circumstances, so it wasn’t all a catastrophe.
2. I didn’t lose it over misplacing my prescription sunglasses. I went out and got myself some clip-ons that actually fit my regular glasses really well — and also look better than my prescription ones, which I bought with a whole paycheck, about 23 years ago. As familiar as they had been, and as much as everyone always told me they liked them, it was a pain in the ass to have to have two pairs of glasses on me, at any point in time. I need sunglasses way too much and way too often and under too many different circumstances, to enjoy switching between regular specs and shades, every 15 minutes. This way is much easier. And I also like not having to worry about losing or damaging what I’ve got – if these shades break, I can always get new ones, no problem.
3. I didn’t lose it over leaving the gas on at my in-laws. True, it’s a pretty embarrassing (not to mention dangerous) situation, but unlike before, this time I did not let it take over my life and turn me into a wreck. In the past, I have gotten completely derailed by things not going right, or screwing something up, and I’ve retreated into my shell to “protect” the rest of the world from me and my screw-ups. This time, I felt like crap for about 6 hours, then I let it go. I apologized profusely, and then got on with just living my life. That, my friends, is progress.
4. I managed my fatigue pretty well. I laid down and took naps when I could. I took it easy and didn’t push myself too hard. I could really tell just how tired I was (and I can tell I still am), and I acted accordingly. I didn’t just push through for the sake of pushing through. I was flexible. I pulled over and slept, instead of keeping on driving through, when I was so damned exhausted. I hate being that tired, and it has a negative impact on me, but at least I didn’t let it wreck my time.

So, things weren’t perfect – far from it. There was the usual family tension and the usual frustrations. There was the expense of traveling and the time I lost from projects at work. But overall it was a good time, and I’m glad we went. It will take me days to catch up with myself, but catch up I will. I’ve got a good open schedule ahead of me in the coming weeks, and I am honing my approach to my job search and skills building, narrowing all the things I am planning to learn and practice, so I don’t overwhelm myself.

One thing about intense fatigue, it forces me to make choices, to rule things out. When I’m energized and feeling “up”, I tend to take on too much, I don’t pay attention, and then things get screwed up. But when I’m tired, I focus more, I take more time to double-check my work, and ironically things tend to turn out better. I still feel like sh*t, but at least I’m the only one who’s suffering.

Tutorials for dealing with TBI

Dealing with TBI takes a team effort

Dealing with TBI can be hugely confusing and frustrating. There is so much information out there – some of it conflicting, some of it duplicated, a lot of it outdated (and never updated on the web, because people stop updating their web pages). So, finding useful information that cuts to the chase, that’s practical, and offers more than just a marketing promotion can be a challenge. Fortunately, there are such resources out there. Project LEARNet is one of them.

Project LEARNet, which is “A Resource for Teachers, Clinicians, Parents, and Students by the Brain Injury Association of New York State”, has some great tutorials on Common Issues for students after TBI. Don’t let the focus on kids / students deter you – these are great resources for anyone who is seeking to better understand TBI. Check out the tutorials here. They are downloadable PDFs that you can print and take with you – great stuff!

All Project LEARNet Tutorials
1. Assessment Issues
2. Cognitive/Academic Issues
3. Self-Regulation/Executive Function Issues
4. Behavioral Issues
5. Social/Emotional Issues
6. Family Issues
7. Physical/Medical Issues

It is so rare to find a concentration of truly helpful information in one place. Also very useful, for anyone seeking to better understand TBI, is their page on Problems Seen after TBI. You can read about them here and then follow the links for more information and specific tutorials. They cover many different bases on their “Problems Seen” pages – general medical possibilities, cognitive/self-regulatory, behavioral, and social/emotional possibilities for the source of the problems.

If you’ve got these issues – or you’re dealing with someone who does – this is a great place to start.

Again, don’t let the focus on kids/students dissuade you. This is good and useful information and it can be of great help to just about anyone trying to figure out WTF?! after TBI.

Brain Injury Resources Updated – general info and Behavioral Stuff

Modulate… modulate

I have been meaning to do some more work on my Brain Injury Recovery Tools pages. So, this morning, I did. There’s nothing like doing something for someone else, to get you out of a funk. There is a lot that I need to add to this tools section. I don’t think it will ever be “done”. There is a lot of information that I need to find. And there is a lot of information that I need to screen out, because it’s a thinly veiled advertisement for services. Brain injury issues are so pervasive and so problematic for so many, it just makes sense to pull out everything I can find — in my files as well as my bookmarks and favorite sites — and post it. It’s also helpful for me, too, because I tend to forget about this stuff and overlook that I’ve got some pretty great resources available right in front of me.

I just added a few links on the “different flavors” of brain injury page for overview information and resources on ABI, TBI, Stroke, and Concussion. There is a ton of information out there to sort through, so I’m trying to keep it pretty simple and just list overview stuff. Folks with more time (and probably more patience) than I can Google away and see what else is out there. One of the biggest problems with finding information is that there’s just so much… and often the information that’s there is funded or outright provided by commercial interests, such as rehabs or healthcare providers. That’s the case with some of the ABI resources I found. But at the same time, they do have some interesting videos and some useful links, so I figured I’d include them and hope for the best.

I also added to the Behavioral Issues page – a few links to Impulsiveness issues, courtesy of Give Back LA. The Give Back material has helped me tremendously over the years, and it’s well worth reading — and re-reading. Here’s what I added on my Impulsiveness page:

• For Survivors: Managing Impulsive and Inappropriate Propitiate Behavior – check this out for some great survivor info from Give Back LA — Summary: Nothing produces more interpersonal problems than impulsive behavior. It is the behavioral trademark of head injury. Impulsive behavior can be controlled much of the time if you anticipate doing it and prepare for it. Strategies can be very effective if they are planned out ahead of time. You can get even more control by role playing the situation ahead of time.

• For Family & Caregivers: Managing Impulsive and Inappropriate Behavior – check this out for some excellent caregiver information from Give Back LA — Impulsive behavior–actions not thought through–probably impacts your life and your loved one’s more than any other deficit. Impulsive behavior is what embarrasses the family in public places and social gatherings. It is why adolescent siblings and old friends don’t want to be seen with the survivor. It is the source of so many kinds of inconsiderate behavior, words or actions produced without any awareness of how you will feel or be affected…

I really want to add even more, and I will. I just don’t have a lot of time right now, and I need to get on with my day. I’ll need a nap this afternoon, as well as a lot of stamina, as I’ve got weeks of procrastination to make up for. But I’ll make up for it. And I will get my nap.

Onward.

Back to some productivity

You betcha

Wow, I can really tell I’ve been away. My head is in a whirl, thinking about a ton of different things, not staying “on point” very well. I have a lot of chores and errands I need to do today, to get myself and my house back up to speed, but I’m scattered. And I’m not sleeping well. The trip really took a lot out of me. It’s going to take me a while to get back.

I met with my neuropsych last week, and we discussed how I’m doing and where I’m at — after my last set of test results, which came back great, they’re feeling pretty good about my situation… as far as they can tell. I did mention, however, that things have been less than rosy in a number of different areas. In the past few years, I’ve been hounded by creditors, threatened by lawyers, dragged into court several times, had a close call with a suspected cancer scare, I’ve been dissed and demoted at my job, cheated on by my spouse (who is making increasingly bad decisions in their life, I’m sorry to say), betrayed by “good” friends, had a few run-ins with police, my money is at an all-time low just as I have house repairs I need to make, I can’t sleep for shit, and I have had a ton of physical pain.

My neuropsych is actually unaware of most of this. And they got a bit upset when I mentioned dealing with lawyers over money, the other day. They asked if I was keeping things from them. It’s not that I “keep things from them” — well, maybe I do — but I just can’t deal with all the processing around such things. It’s way too overwhelming, and when I discuss things with people in person, it usually gets me even more confused and turned around, and it keeps me from being able to just handle things. I guess I’m too independent for that.

I’m also a very non-verbal person, when I’m not writing in this blog. Most of my problem-solving for Really Big Deals takes place with visuals and pictures and non-verbal / spatial conceptualizations — I have a very clear view of how I’m going to do things, step by step, and that view is spatial & logistical, not verbal. When I try to put it all into words in conversation, it’s just too confusing for me, and it blocks my progress. I can never articulate exactly what I am thinking and feeling and experiencing, and it ends up sounding lame — like I’m just complaining.

I also have a hard time discussing things while they’re happening – I need some space from them, to get my head around them and understand how I feel about them. Otherwise, I get overwhelmed, and I end up shutting down or breaking down, neither of which is helpful for me. So, when I talk about Reall Big Things, it’s usually after the fact. It’s just how I am. It’s not a trust thing. It’s logistics. So my neuropsych can quit being so sensitive and feeling left out. They just need to let me do what I need to do, and provide support and feedback only for what I want to bring up.

Yeah, my life is way more eventful than it “should” be. It’s way more eventful than I would like it to be. Oh, well.

Not that I’m complaining. On the contrary. Things are sh*tty, but I feel good. And I think that because my mood is good and my ability to function and my self-confidence have all improved vastly over the past several years – especially since I started this whole tbi recovery process – they think that things are much better than they are.

Objectively speaking, if you look at things from a certain angle, they actually suck bilgewater. A lot of people I know would be totally traumatized by the stuff that’s going on with me. And I don’t think my neuropsych has the first clue that so much is falling to pieces with me. I just haven’t talked about it much because I can’t wrap my head around it, and I’d rather just soldier through than process it and discuss. It would take 20 hours a week to sort through it all, and I just don’t have that kind of time.

But on the other hand, if you look at things differently, everything is good – excellent – very hopeful (!). I have a ton of great prospects, I’m engaged in my life, I’m learning, and I’m not thrown off by all this stuff. Not completely, anyway. I’m hangin’ in there, and things are progressing. I’m like an action figure / folk hero. At least in my mind Nothing valuable comes for free. It just doesn’t. I reckon, I’m getting what I pay for.

Plus, after a really intense bout of depression the other night, I decided to just say f*ck it all and give up … for the time being. Just quit trying to make everything turn out a different way, and pray more. Maybe start going to church again. I don’t know. I felt like sh*t, the other night, but I knew it would pass. I would get some sleep. I would wake up the next morning feeling different. I would get back into my routine. I would continue to brush up on my skills. And I’d just friggin’ let go of stuff I can’t control and seem to “handle”.

It worked, pretty much. I went to bed. I didn’t get nearly enough sleep – I’ve been waking up at 4:30 like clockwork, lately, even if I just get in bed at 11:30 – and I felt like death warmed-over yesterday. And my frame of mind was better, but not stellar. But screw it, at least I got myself up and out in to the day. And I got a lot done, actually. That “giving up” business actually helped a bit. And despite the knee-deep manure I seem to be wading through at any given point in time, I’m hopeful. I’m cheery. I’m optimistic in a blithely pessimistic sort of way. My expectations are quite low. So when things go right — as they often do — it’s a wonderful surprise and a pick-me-up.

My state of mind notwithstanding, at least I’m on my way back to my regular routine now. Nothing is perfect. My life is a work in progress. And all this brouhaha has helped me develop a high tolerance for crazy crap happening all around me, so I don’t get completely derailed by it. I have a plan for moving forward. And I’m following my plan. So, it’s good. It’s fine. Some things really truly suck in my life, but I don’t feel like talking about those things right now. I’m going to focus on the good things. And get on with my life.

Onward.

Stopping the bad stuff before it starts

A storm was brewing…

Signs of progress… Yesterday, I was pretty worn out after a long day of work. I was supposed to leave for my vacation in the afternoon, but I had too much to do, so I ended up working through the evening to at least make a dent in what was happening with work.

After that, I got into the beginnings of a very familiar argument with someone over a topic that’s very touchy for me. Things have been tense for over a week, since the Boston Marathon bombing, which injured some friends of friends and had everybody at work talking and stressing… talking and stressing…

No matter where you are, these kinds of events can really take a toll on your mental health, and I was a little worse for wear yesterday — between not getting to leave for vacation on time, having to rush to fix all kinds of stupid sh*t that got screwed up because somebody at work didn’t want to do their job, and feeling pressured by my family to spend time that I don’t have, visiting them… and (had I mentioned?) working like a crazy person all day.

So, when this argument started, I could feel the familiar rush of indignation, getting upset because I “know better” than the person I was getting into an argument with. They were making unwise choices about their health, not taking care of themself, and then getting all tweaked because they have health issues. Uh, d’uh — you eat crap, you don’t exercise, you have no apparent regimen in your daily life, and then you complain about not being able to do things you used to do, and you’re freaked out about illness and getting sick and coming down with diabetes or a heart attack… without ever doing anything about it. I get so frustrated with this individual, whose behavior seems to have no connection with what they actually want to have happen in their life. It’s maddening.

And of course, I know better.

I started to get really tweaked over it, getting angrier and angrier with them over what they were doing and saying and how they were acting. Then it occurred to me — I’ve had this exact same argument with this person for years and years, and it never gets resolved. We just get pissed off at each other, go our separate ways for a bit to cool off, then get back in touch as though the whole thing never happened. There’s never any resolution, because they think they’re doing things right, making choices that make them feel good in the moment but which have been shown by tons of medical evidence, to do them harm in the long run. All they know is “the now” and all they really strive for in their personal life is to be “present in the moment”.

Yes, it sounds insane to me — trading your future for the sake of the now — but that is their perspective, and in all the decades that I’ve known them (they’re one of my longest friends), they have never felt or acted or believed any other way. And the times when they did have little health scares, they were back to their old ways, as though they’d never had the scares.

But as I sat listening to them, I could feel myself getting more and more tense, feeling myself really stressing over it… while they just carried on talking about things as happy as a clam. And when I said something about being concerned for them, they snapped at me… and I could feel that old argument coming on again. I noticed that in my own body, my head was starting to feel tight and pressurized. And my heart was starting to pound. I was starting to sweat, and my thoughts were starting to repeat over and over the same arguments and concerns I’ve had for years — like they were a dog chasing its own tail. I was getting really uptight, really stressed, and I was on the verge of flipping out at them — as I have often done in the past.

But I stopped. I stopped the downward spiral, I stopped the dog chasing its tail. I knew I was tired from a long day of working. I knew I was upset about not being able to leave on time for my vacation. I knew my patience had been running thin since about 10:00 that morning. I knew that where I was going was NOT a good place to be.

I also remembered what I’ve heard and read in a number of places — the average emotion lasts about 90 seconds. Its biochemical “recipe” gets into our blood — and then can get flushed out in less than two minutes. If left to its own devices without any kind of intervention on my part, it will dissipate and disappear. I don’t have to do anything, if I don’t much care for the experience — just breathe and let it go its own way. On the other hand, I can choose to feel something different and let that get into my system for a longer period of time.

So, if I’ve got 90 seconds to work with, that gives me a choice — I can either dive into whatever I’m feeling and get all worked up and bent out of shape, like I have countless times. Or I can distract myself (I’m very good at that), breathe, let my system chill out, and NOT have the same shouting match that has been the buggaboo of this friendship since almost the beginning.

So, last night I chose the latter. I distracted myself. I just sat there quietly while they talked, and I didn’t get into it. I was upset at first, but after a little while that feeling dissipated and I started to feel sane again. The dog stopped chasing its tail. The tension and pressure in my head relaxed. And even though I was still irked by what they were saying and doing in their day-to-day, that feeling didn’t “own” me the same way it usually does. I was able to tell them what I felt and how I was feeling, in a sane person’s gone of voice… and then let it go. I didn’t get into the blame, the fear, the anxiety, the frustration. I “went there” for a little bit, last night. But then I let it go and did something else with my attention. I stopped the flash flood of emotions before it got started.

And you know what? When I didn’t fly off the handle and yell and criticize and attack, the person on the other side of the discussion could actually hear what I was saying. They could actually get that I was concerned about their health, that I was worried about how much money they were spending on junk food, and that my frustration and anger came out of concern for their health. It wasn’t about me trying to shame them. It was about me caring about their well-being and wanting to see them have a better life and do better with themself.

And it helped. Last night could have kicked off a really shitty vacation for me, starting me off on a foot that started with a blow-out, me not being able to sleep from being so friggin’ tired, having my chemistry out of whack, and having yet another instance of an impossible argument that never gets resolved.

I can’t say I’m that encouraged by my friend’s choices. And I can’t say I’m that optimistic about their long-term health and happiness. But for me, at least I didn’t drown in a flood of emotion that just swamps me and makes me feel really, really terrible. When I get that upset and blow up, the biochemical residue stays with me for days and drags me down, making me depressed and wiping out my self-confidence.

Today I don’t have that problem. And my friend doesn’t have to go through their day with the memory of yet another one of my blow-ups. Today I get to start fresh. Everybody does.

Onward.

Finding progress after TBI

It’s there if I look for it

It’s been a real roller-coaster of a year, thus far. Work changes, home life changes, and trying to “reboot” my life for the better.

I’ve been noticing that I get pretty FIXated on what needs to be “fixed” in my life — what’s wrong, what’s going worse than I want it to, what needs to be addressed so that I can relax.

Relax… hm. There’s an idea.

But here’s the thing — a lot of what I think is “wrong” is going to change on its own, so I don’t actually need to do anything about it. A lot of what I really struggle with isn’t going to last. The job situation changes, as people come and go and the company decides to do something completely different. Family situations change, as people get sick and get better and learn their lessons and talk things through. Everyday life situations change, too. It’s just the nature of things.

So, getting too caught up in fixing something in my life that’s going to change, eventually, anyway, doesn’t actually make a lot of sense.

What makes more sense, is to settle into my own life, my own pace, my own way of thinking and doing things… figure out what I want to do with myself in my life… and stay the course as I get there.

All around me, things are crazy. People are genuinely insane, and they’re not making much attempt to hide it, these days. I can’t even look at the news these days, because all that’s there is drama and pain and blood and explosions. There’s no news of anything really good going on on mainstream media. Seriously, there’s not.

So, I have to find a different way — in the outside world and internally as well.

There’s Good News Network, for example, which shows all the good things that are happening in the world that don’t get major media coverage. There’s Good News on the Huffington Post, and then there’s Happy News, which is real news of happy things.

Internally, I need to keep my spirits up, as well, and really concentrate on the good that’s happening in my life. I tend to be so oriented towards addressing issues, finding what’s wrong and fixing it, that I neglect the good when it’s there. And I end up feeling artificially bad about so much, when I could feel genuinely good about so much more.

The fact of the matter is, I can now live my life with 1000% more sense of capability, than I could, just a few years ago. The fact of the matter is, even in the face of really difficult conditions, I can function — and function very well. The fact of the matter is, I have learned how to manage my temper and control my anger outbursts. The fact of the matter is, people who used to be afraid of me, no longer are. I have a better relationship with my family than I ever have — I even spent an hour on the phone with one of my siblings on Sunday night, talking in ways we have rarely talked — nothing that heavy, just talking for real about our lives and how we feel about them.

So much in my life has improved over the past years of dealing with my TBI issues. So much has settled itself, or I’ve found ways of handling it all with more capability than I thought I could. I have done some pretty amazing work, and I need to remember that — maybe make up a record book of some kind to remind myself of how far I’ve come, and what I’ve accomplished.

Because I forget. I forget and I lose sight of those things. My memory is not my best friend, when it comes to tracking where I’m at and how far I’ve come. I’m pretty caught up in the everyday, so I tend to focus on that.

But there’s more to life than the present instant that needs to be “dealt with”. There’s a whole world of past and future that’s looking for my recollection and discovery. And the bottom line is, no matter how much I may doubt myself from day to day, I have a whole lot of experience overcoming substantial roadblocks, and I can be pretty proud of that. I need to pace myself… and remember that even overcoming roadblocks, as necessary and encouraging as that can be, does take a lot of energy. And when I get depleted, I get depressed — for no other reason than that I’m depleted and I need to recharge my batteries. I get so tired, I forget that the very reason I’m tired, is because I’ve been doing really good work — and a lot of it — all day.

So, as much as I think about “making” progress in the course of my daily life, I also need to remember to find progress — steps I’ve already completed (and successfully at that), which show me I’m far more capable and resourceful than I give myself credit for.

I can do better about giving myself a rest and letting myself take a break, so I can come back stronger than ever. And I can remember — whether through a note to myself or a sign on the refrigerator — that I actually am making progress, it just seems like I’m not, because it’s lost in the haze of my fatigue and all my future plans.

Progress — it’s right in front of me, if I but look for it.

Getting used to it — again

For some reason, there’s a part of me that thinks I’ll be able to soldier through this TBI stuff and come out on the other side, issue-free.

Like I won’t have any more sensitivity to noise or light when I’m tired.

Like I won’t feel like going off the deep end, when I get overwhelmed and fee cornered.

Like I will finally feel rested and be able to live each day with an abundance of energy.

Like I will feel like my old self again.

Broken record me – it’s not happening.

But check this out – that doesn’t so much matter.

I mean, it does matter that I generally feel like crap on any given day, that I feel like I’ve been dragged behind a bus, at any given moment, and I feel like I’m going to just drop from exhaustion and overwhelm at the least expected times. That’s no friggin’ fun, for sure.

But the main thing is — these things don’t have to ruin my life. Sure, its unpleasant. Sure, it’s troubling. Sure, it’s a hassle to deal with. But just because it affects me, doesn’t mean it has to affect others, make them miserable too, and ruin my chances of being able to do something worthwhile in the world.

I can live and do the things I need to do, regardless of how shitty I feel.

And if I can’t get these issues to go away, I can at least keep them from ruining everyone’s day.

Just manage them. Deal with it. Handle ‘em.

And get on with it.

Onward.

Just updated – BI Recovery Tools for Behavioral Issues

Few things will make your post-brain-injury life more difficult than Behavioral Issues.

I just updated the BI Recovery Tools page for Behavioral Issues 

I’ve added info for how to deal with Impulsiveness, Aggression, and Raging Behavior.

Relationships after TBI – the road back

Coming to terms can be difficult

Here’s something a reader just shared — a web page full of informational videos on Relationships after TBI from the Model Systems Knowledge Translation Center – a site which shares information on TBI and how to address and recover from it.

The featured video is a great one – about a couple who have made tremendous progress since the husband’s TBI. It’s truly inspirational to see them, and it’s clear that things haven’t been a bed of roses for them.

One of the great things about this is that there’s actually work being done on helping couples to handle the changes and challenges after TBI. It’s absolutely true that TBI affects everyone, not just the survivor, and having people out there who can share the information and help others to do something meaningful with it, is very heartening.

The road is long, but it can be so rewarding

It’s also very heartening when I see and hear stories about spouses who step up and really work at things, instead of just giving up. This varies from person to person, of course, and everyone’s resilience level is different, but TBI doesn’t have to be a death sentence for marriage.

I encourage you to check out the videos at the MSKTC