When things don’t go as planned

Sometimes there’s high seas ahead – oil painting by Joyce Ortner – click to see her gallery

I had my doctor’s appointment the other morning, and it went pretty well. I got some antibiotics for the infection that has been bothering my ears and making it hard for me to keep my balance, and I gave my doctor the holiday card my spouse told me I needed to give to them. It was a good call – and I picked out a good card, because it really touched my doctor a lot. They didn’t want to let on, but I could see it meant something. I mean, if you think about it, doctors spend their lives trying to help others. They have their limitations, like all of us, but in the end, their whole reason for doing what they do is to help people.

I have been taking my meds for the past few days, but I’m still having balance issues. I’m going to keep on doing it, and hope for the best. I really don’t want to go back, though. It’s just more opportunity to get put on more meds — which my doctor tried to do, when I told them about the balance issues. They tried to put me on meclozine / antivert, thinking that would fix what was wrong with me, but I told them no, because that stuff just makes me feel rotten and weird and dense, and it doesn’t do a thing for my vertigo. It’s supposed to fix the nausea thing and supposedly make me feel less dizzy, but it’s an antihistamine and the side effects whack me out.

Drowsiness and tiredness and that weird spacey feeling that antihistamines give me, is just not worth it. So, I told them not to prescribe it. Even if they had, I wouldn’t take that stuff. Like I need more crap in my system…Anyway, I can always take Dramamine if it comes to that. I’ve taken it for seasickness and it seemed to help me. At the same time, it still make me feel weird and “off” and the fishing trip I was on was a lot less fun because of it.

Anyway, I had been planning on “having the talk” with my doctor about not being a risk-taker, just having a hard time sorting through the myriad little “issues” I have on a daily basis. For any doctor who is reading this, please take note: TBI can introduce a whole host of physical issues, from noise sensitivity to light sensitivity to touch sensitivity to pain to ringing in the ears… a whole host of physical issues that can cloud the overall picture of one’s health. And that’s not even the mental health issues, like depression and anxiety, which can make everything seem 1000x worse than it really is… or it can make everything seem like it’s nothing at all. This obviously has implications for patients with TBI being able to accurately self-assess their level of well-being. And it’s helpful to address that aspect of our experience.

The only problem is — and I realized this when I was driving to my dr. appointment and was thinking about the best way to broach the subject. I thought about how I would approach it, how I would introduce the topic of my not being a risk-taker, but just a person who struggles with sorting through all the stimuli of each day… and I considered (based on past experience) what my doctor’s response would be.

I’m glad I did think it through, too, because it gradually dawned on me that if I talked about my issues the way I was, my doctor would try to prescribe me something. Or prescribe tests. Or try to DO something, instead of just understanding and thinking things through and letting that inform their approach with me. They tend to jump right into action! as though that will solve anything right off the bat. Sometimes it does. But in some cases, you don’t need a procedure, you need comprehension and understanding and a slightly different way of approaching things.

Knowing what I know about my doctor, after seeing them for a number of years, I really think that if I’d “had the talk” about my issues, I might have ended up fending off a slew of prescriptions and tests — they’ve already tried to get me CT-scanned and/or X-rayed over sinus issues. I mean, I’m sure they mean well, but I am not exposing myself to a bunch of radiation over a sinus infection. Seriously… It’s just not going to happen. Not unless I am in serious danger.

Likewise, I’m not going to raise a red flag that my doctor is going to treat like an invitation to charge. They’ve got a bit of a fight-flight predisposition, and the last thing I want is to have to try to explain and fend off their headlong charges and attacks against what might be vexing me, when all I really want is for them to temper their responses with a little more knowledge. I can easily see them ordering a bunch of tests and prescribing a bunch of meds, in the interest of helping me… and all the while, I just get sucked into the medical system with more crap on my chart to fuel the standard-issue medical responses that pathologize and (over)medicate my condition… when all I really need is some understanding and consideration. All I really need is for people to slow down… but knowing my doctor, that’s not going to happen anytime soon. At least not with them.

So, I didn’t have “the talk” with my doctor, and I’m a little disappointed in myself. At the same time, though, I’m glad I thought it through carefully ahead of time. In a way, I feel like I may have dodged a bullet from a weapon that I had trained at myself. I unloaded the weapon and put it down, and now I’m feeling a bit better. What I really need to do is speak up, in the course of conversations, when I feel that things are going too fast or my doctor says something that doesn’t sit right with me. Sometimes I can speak up and defend myself quickly, other times I can’t. I’m working on that. The times when I don’t speak up, I feel terrible afterwards, so that’s more impetus for me to practice speaking up.

That was something I did do on Friday — I spoke up about the meds and the tests and the assumptions my doc was making. They seemed a little peeved that I was questioning their judgment, but you know what? It’s my body, it’s my life, and I need to do what I need to do. Provided, of course, I’m not putting myself in danger.

Anyway, that’s one example of things not working out as planned, and it being okay.

Another example is last night, when I decided to go to bed early, then I got caught up in going on Facebook “one last time”. I swear, that thing is a massive time-sink, and I have to be careful. By the time I got to bed, it was over an hour later, which just sucks. Oh, well. I’ll just have to nap today. I had planned on doing some last-minute Christmas shopping, but the other thing that’s happening is that we have company from the party last night. Rather than driving home, we had someone stay over, which is fine. But now I need to be social and hang out, instead of running out to the mall. That’s annoying to me. But come to think of it, I actually knew that we might have company staying over, so I’m not sure why I was thinking that I was going to run out, first thing this morning, and take care of that. More annoyance — this time with myself.

Oh well — tomorrow is another day, and I can probably get all my shopping done early in the morning before the crowds hit the mall. I pretty much know what I want, and there’s not much of it, so it will keep things simple. Plus, having less time to spend on it really focuses me. Even if that doesn’t happen, and I get stuck in the crowds, and the lines are long, and I get trapped in the holiday crush, I can always check Facebook while I’m standing on line.

So, yeah – plans. I have them. We all have them. And when they don’t go the way we expect them to, then it’s up to us to decide how we’re going to handle them. I can get worked up and bent out of shape. Or I can roll with it and come up with another course of action. I can get annoyed at this, that, and the other thing, or I can just let it all go and see what happens. When I’m tired (like I am today), I am less able to just let it all go. When I am stressed (like I am over my job, even though I am off on vacation for a week and a half – the residual stress is ridiculous), it’s harder for me to just BE.

I’ve noticed an increasing level of intensity with me – I’m starting to lose my temper again (though inside my head, not out in the world around me so much). I’m starting to react really strongly to little things… like I used to, before I started exercising regularly and doing my breathing exercises. I’m noticing a change, and I’m not liking it much — especially the parts where I’m not rolling with changes as well as I would like to. Things are starting to sneak up on me again.

So, it’s back to using the tools I was working with  before. Despite my good progress, I had gotten away from the exercise and the breathing for a while, in part because I just got so uptight over doing it each and every day like clockwork, and also because I just needed to let it all sink in for a while. I was working really hard on my technique and also my regular practice, and it got to be just another chore that didn’t have much sense to it.  I just hit an impasse with it — maybe I had too many ideas and my head was spinning, maybe I had too much experience that I needed to just get used to… in any case, I needed a break.

So, I took a break. And I must admit it was a pretty big relief to not “have” to do the sitting and breathing every morning. All of a sudden, I had extra time, and ironically, I felt like I could breathe. I was still doing intermittent breathing throughout the day, when I felt my stress level increasing, but I didn’t have a daily practice.

Still, I do feel like I need to get back to a bit of that again. I’ve had my break. Now I need to try it again to see how it helps me… pick up where I need to — maybe where I left off, or maybe somewhere else… Just do what I need to do to get myself back on track and take the edge off this intensity, which has been building and is starting to drag me down.

Things change. Plans change. What we think we can do is often very different from what we can do, which is also different from what we DO do. Life has a way of changing directions on us when we least expect it, and the only constant is change. So, I need to work on my flexibility and chill-ness, so I don’t end up ship-wrecked over every little thing. Yeah… I need to work on that. And so I shall.

Now, to go for my morning walk in the woods.

Up early and moving on…

It’s a new day…

I’ve got two more days of work before my vacation. A real vacation. I’ve been sick and so has my spouse, so we are staying home and foregoing the Christmas-New Years journey this year. Doing all that driving does not do it for us. Not this year. At some point, you just have to say “enough” and do the most healthy thing, which is Just. Stay. Home.

In the midst of all the national debate on gun control, in the midst of the grief over those 20 kids and 6 teachers who were killed, in the midst of all the talk about how autistic/mentally ill kids need to be locked up, in the midst of it all, I come back to the fact that I really need to take care of myself in all this — and do the things that I know will keep me on solid ground:

• Good food
• Good rest
• Good company and not a lot of “social filler”
• Plenty of down/alone time
• Good exercise

Good. Just good.

This is the holiday season. A time traditionally devoted to helping those less fortunate and celebrating the Light in our lives. Whether you’re celebrating the lengthening days, or a miracle of Light, or the birth of a carrier of Light, or traditions that enLighten your life, this is a time of reflection and renewal all over the world. Just biologically speaking, it is very much a time of renewal, as the days begin to lengthen again, and spring is literally just a handful of months away. It’s hard-wired into our systems. Our very bodies know, something is changing for the better.

In the midst of all… this, I do remember what matters most to me — staying centered and calm, even when things are going south. I had a bit of a meltdown the other night. I wasn’t feeling well, I’d been “off” all day, struggling with my balance and nausea, and I blew up over some little thing that needed to be done in the kitchen that wasn’t getting done.

I tried to avert it, but it escalated, and it felt like crap. I felt like crap. Everything felt like crap.

I went to bed early, and I woke up feeling a little better. Did the same thing last night, too — went to bed early… and woke up early this morning. I still feel a little “off”, but I am getting used to it, so it’s not so terrible right now. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning, so I’m hoping that will help. My ears seem to be better, but I want to get them checked. Now there’s more pain than lack of balance. And pain in my ears is never good.

I sometimes have a hard time detecting when I am in pain, so I sometimes let myself go longer than I should in reporting and addressing these issues. My doctor says I’m a “risk-taker”. I think I just have trouble figuring out how much my system is compromised. I am so accustomed to things being not-right with me — sensitive to sound and light and touch… headache, neck-ache, dizzy, foggy — I have learned to adjust and accommodate and not let it stop me from doing what I need to do. But when I’m genuinely sick, that old habit can get in my way. So,  I’ll have to have a talk with my doctor, when I see them tomorrow. I don’t want them to have the wrong idea that it’s a sign of mental issues or deliberate risk-taking behaviors. Seriously, we need to have that talk.

It’s not that I am consciously taking risks. I just don’t perceive risks the same way that others do. It’s just another bit of information my doctor should use to better understand me. And I need to find a way to communicate this to them, that doesn’t make me sound mentally deficient. They already wonder about me, thanks to the TBI info.

Anyway, it’s all a process… an unfolding and evolving process, which isn’t some cut-and-dried step-by-step thing. It’s a winding path through the woods that I have to continually walk, to keep it passable and keep the proverbial undergrowth from taking over. It’s about practice, about tending to the basics, keeping myself on track, day in and day out. It’s about never quitting and always looking for some sign of progress, to keep myself going.

And it’s about taking good care of myself, so I can keep on keepin’ on, so I have the strength and the resources to look for the good and act on it. It’s about not letting the world pull me down and pull me even more off-base than I am already… so that I can think clearly and interact with the rest of the world at my best.

I have a week and a half of vacation ahead of me — just around the corner. Time to relax and rest and unwind… to recharge the batteries and do the things I don’t have time for on in my normal life. Walk in the woods for hours. Read a book I’ve been wanting to read. Work around the house. Clear and clean out some things. Write about what matters to me most, as long as I like each day. Tend to my state of body and mind and spirit. And sleep. Long and deep and often.

There may never be an end to terrible things happening in the world, but that’s all the more reason to take good care… so that I can respond appropriately — if a response is indeed required.

Onward.

Keeping the home fires burning bright

Keep the home fires burning bright.

We got back late last night from my Thanksgiving trip to my parents’ place. All the (living) siblings descended from points throughout the USA, with all the kids (plus a few friends) in tow, and we proceeded to completely overwhelm each other. It was all in good fun, of course, which is a big change from how things have been in the past, and for that I am very, very grateful. I’m even more thankful now than I was on Thanksgiving day. It was a good visit, this year. Much better than in the past. Many a year has come and gone with me (literally) writhing in emotional and physical agony over the holidays.

The Top Ten things that set me over the edge in the past were:

1. Not taking good care of myself, eating all the wrong things in very large amounts.
2. Not pacing myself with all the activity.
3. Getting bent out of shape over things that people said or did.
4. Not getting enough exercise.
5. Not getting enough alone-time”, but staying in the thick of everything ALL the time.
6. Deciding to “take the bait” when siblings wanted to argue and tangle with me, because somehow I thought that this time I would “win.
7. Trying to intercede to make sure that the arguments between my spouse and my parents didn’t escalate.
8. Trying to make sure my spouse was always comfortable and felt welcome (a losing battle, if ever there was one).
9. Getting upset over people saying and doing things I did not agree with — AT ALL — and trying to debate issues, getting turned around, and melting down, either privately or publicly.
10. Pushing myself to do things when I was over-tired or over-stressed.

None of those things happened this time — that is to say, I chose to do things differently, so that none of the above had to happen. There were a couple of close calls, but I just noted them and moved on.

The Top Ten things I did that kept me well back from the edge this year were:

1. Making an effort to take good care of myself, eating the right things in the right amounts. I brought my own cereal and rice milk, so I could be dairy-free, and I steered clear of a lot of bread.
2. I paced myself with all the activity, being active at times, and stepping away from the pandemonium at others.
3. I didn’t bother getting bent out of shape over things that people said or did. I figured, there was a really good reason they think what they do, and I haven’t the faintest idea what those reasons are, so leave it well enough alone.
4. I started out each day with exercise. Either I walked up the big hill from the place where we were staying to my parents’ house — about 3/4 mile all uphill — or I walked my sibling’s dog when I got to the house. I took the dog for a lot of walks – it was very cool.
5. I did my best to get enough alone-time. Granted, with 9 kids and a dog running around at top speed the whole time, and all the nieces and nephews wanting me to play with them or hang out with them, it was a challenge — because I really wanted to be in the thick of everything. But I did step away at times. Everybody did, actually.
6. I didn’t “take the bait” when siblings wanted to argue and tangle with me. When my smart-ass, condescending siblings would start in on me, I would just nod and smile and make some vague comment that told them I wasn’t “going there” with them. There was just no point. I think they were glad of it, too.
7. I did not intercede to make sure that the arguments between my spouse and my parents didn’t escalate. They have major differences that rankle my spouse to no end, but after 22 years, I’ve finally realized that that’s “their thing” — they actually enjoy wrangling with each other, sparring and testing each others’ boundaries. It’s taken me two decades to get used to it, but finally I’m fine with things never being fine between them.
8. I literally quit trying to make sure my spouse was always comfortable and felt welcome. Through no fault of anyone, that’s a losing battle. My family can be very judgmental and alienating, so no matter who is with them, there will always be an element of “You don’t belong”. That applies to me, as well, but it’s very difficult for my spouse to take. They really feel that judgment sharply, and they take it personally. And they get combative when they’re not comfortable or feel like they’re being attacked  — which they do, around my parents, because, well, they are being attacked. So, I’ve spent way too much time over the years, trying to find common ground and let them work it out with each other. This time, I just washed my hands of it and let it all alone, figuring that they were all adults and could reach some agreement, somehow, without my meddling. One other “bad” thing that turned out to be helpful, was that my spouse was sick with an upper respiratory infection, so they were laid low for much of the time, anyway. I did what I could to make them comfortable, but they just weren’t, so I let them “do their thing” with sleeping a lot and stepping away to take meds and such, and I just got on with my own visit. I feel bad that my spouse was not feeling well, but they’ll have their time with their family at Christmas, so then they’ll get to be involved and feel accepted and welcomed and not judged. It’s a balance, this time of year, and there’s always going to be “emotional collateral damage” so let’s let it go it at that and be happy for what good we do have.
9. I didn’t bother getting upset over people saying and doing things I did not agree with — AT ALL — and trying to debate issues, getting turned around, and melting down, either privately or publicly. I’ve tried the debate thing for I don’t know how many years, and it’s always been a losing battle. I just lose my train of thought in the midst of heated debates, and then I get bent out of shape because I can’t think clearly and all my TBI-related issues come flooding to the surface. And I get sucked down into that “I am so eff’ed up – what is wrong with me?!” Which is never good for anyone, because then I take it out on my spouse or anyone else who is nearby, including myself. In the past, I’ve actually hurt myself over it during meltdowns, slamming my head against a wall or hitting my arms or legs so hard that they bruised. It was the only way I could find to get my brain to stop cycling down into the pit of despair. Giving up on the negative self-talk from the get-go works a whole lot better, I’m happy to report.
10. I quit pushing myself to do things when I was over-tired or over-stressed. This was the only thing to do, in the face of all that activity. Yes, I missed valuable time with elderly relatives I may never see again. Yes, I missed out on conversations and activities with nieces and nephews. Yes, I missed out on things I would probably regret if I knew exactly what was happening. But my internal barometer has gotten so much better over the past couple of years, and now I can tell when my stress level is pushing me, and I need to stop the pushing. This is so important, because when I’m over-extended and stressed, I say and do things that I deeply regret (like saying obnoxious things… starting arguments over nothing… babbling when I should be quiet… falling down and sustaining injuries – including brain injuries… and pointing a real-but-not-loaded rifle at my youngest sibling after a long family trip and pretending to shoot them).  Bad things tend to happen when I am overextended and keep pushing. So, I stepped away and stopped doing things, even the things I wanted to do so badly, because it wasn’t worth the risk to myself and others. Better to have fewer moments with an elderly relative that I want to remember than having a lot of moments with them that I want to — but cannot — forget.

Bottom line about this past Thanksgiving: Gor the sake of myself and others, I just let a lot of sh*t go — I have a number of very elderly relatives and friends, who may not be alive the next time I visit, so I just wanted to focus on the good — and feed that side of my attitude.

I also didn’t beat myself up, if I couldn’t do certain things, like stay up talking when I was exhausted, or go do things when I needed to do something else. I just went with what happened, and tried to find the good in it.

Which was an early Christmas Miracle — some of my relatives can be politically and socially obnoxious, and they are convinced they are 100% right and everyone who doesn’t agree with them is an idiot. Also, half of my family is very connected through in-laws and marriages and churches and shared connections in their communities, so there was a lot of talk about things and events and people and ideas that I wasn’t a part of. I did feel very isolated at times, and I felt sad that I wasn’t part of that world, which is very close-knit and supportive for those who belong. But there is a price for everything, and I have never been willing to give up my independence and personal convictions, to go along with the group, So even though I don’t have those community connections and widespread support, and I was very much on the outside many times, at least I have myself. And that’s what truly matters.

It was really hard being around people who believe that their world is the only right one — and everyone else is wrong and stupid and ignorant and corrupt. Because that puts me on the outside, and when everyone is all together, that feeling of being marginalized is even more pronounced. But then I thought about all the other people in the world who feel that way, for one reason or another — and I didn’t feel so badly. Because even in the midst of a supportive community of common values, there are many who feel secretly alone and isolated.

It’s not just (about) me. We all feel that way at times. It’s just how things are for lots of folks.

So, by putting my emphasis on the experiences of others, I was able to get away from my own self-pity — and I was also able to see how even the folks who were the “ïn crowd” were still very much on the outside.And I was able to really have some good conversations with family members who have been pretty estranged for many years. So, all in all, it was a good visit – mostly because I got the hell out of my own way.

This holiday season, I feel more motivated than ever to really do justice to this blog — not focusing so much on ME and MY problems, but talking about the issues that so many of us have in common, and sharing solutions that have worked for me, so that hopefully others can benefit as well.

This is a season of giving, no matter what your religion (or no religion at all). Yes, it’s over-commercialized. Yes, people are behaving really badly. Yes, it has lost a lot of deeper meaning in the mainstream culture. But each of us, in our own small way, can supply our own meaning and do what we can to honor and support that within ourselves. Whether you are celebrating the birth of Jesus, or a Season of Lights, or Principles that guide you in life, or the turning of the Wheel of Life, each of us can make of this season what we will. We can choose to wring our hands and shake our heads over videos of Walmart cell phone brawls, or we can look for ways we can reach out to others and give what we can from what we have. We have a whole range of things we can look at and wonder about, and each day we see a broad spectrum of behaviors we do or do not approve of. It’s our choice, how we relate to those things, and it’s our choice how we respond.

I, for one, would rather be part of a solution and bring hope in a time when so many feel hopeless and alone. This blog is one small way I can do that, and I hope to do some good, this holiday season — and beyond that, each and every day.

In many parts of the world, it’s getting cold. That doesn’t have to happen in our hearts.

Homeward bound

This Thanksgiving has been a good one. It’s been a whirlwind tour, and it’s been completely exhausting, but I have held up remarkably well, I’ve taken good care of myself, and I haven’t had any terrible breakdowns, as in years past.

So, for that I am very thankful.

I got to see family members who live far from me. Got to reconnect, had some good times playing games and visiting. There’s a lot about this that makes me sad and angry and upset, but when I am rested, I can handle it.

So, I’m handling it.

I’ve been taking regular naps — yesterday I didn’t get one, but that’s okay. I’ve also been pacing myself and making sure I step away on a regular basis. I don’t feel the need to force myself into the fray constantly. And the old pressure to pack as much visiting in as humanly possible, has given way to common sense and a better pace.

I’m pretty well exhausted from it all, but I’m doing my breathing exercises, and I’m getting regular brisk morning walks up a very large hill, which is helping a great deal.

I’m headed home this afternoon, and I’m looking forward to having my life back – in my own home, with my own food, my own bed, my own schedule, in my own way.

It’s been good here. And it’s enough.

Good to stretch

Image credit: fitnessachievement.com

So, the weather is getting colder, and with it comes more pain. It woke me up overnight and kept me up for a few hours, so I’m behind on my sleep.

It’s time to start stretching before bed again. I’ve been sitting for long periods of time, again — interspersed with yard work, raking leaves and cleaning up before winter comes. So, my body is out of whack a bit, and it’s cutting into my quality of life.

A few days ago, I had a pretty good evening without pain — and without needing a bunch of Advil.

I started the day with a good warmup, and I got up and moved during the day, stretching and moving. And I also drank some water with a little bit of baking soda, which I hear helps to cut down on acidity and helps get lactic acid out of your system. (That’s what I’ve heard, anyway.)

Whether or not all of that worked — or a combination of a few of those things — I had a pretty pain-free night.

Then the next day it was a different story entirely.

So, this morning I got up and did my warmup. And I stretched a bit. I’m going to need to stretch during my days — as well as move, instead of sitting like a lumpy rock at my desk all day.

God, I wish I could go back to my chiro, but I just don’t have the money. No way can I afford $30/week. That’s $120/month I need for food and gas and all the other costs of living.

Maybe someday. But not just yet.

In the meantime, I’ve got my stretching and my movement. It’s good for me to do this, anyway. I just can’t stand the idea of going down that long, slow slide that people “my age” are supposedly doomed to experience. I know people in their 70s and 80s and 90s — and beyond — who are still vital and active. That’s what I want and that’s how I want to be.

So, I’m taking steps. I’m doing what I have to, even though it doesn’t feel that hot when I start it… once I get going, I start to feel better. And I get better.

I’m working with it. I’m making do. I think I’ll go mix some baking soda in water.

Onward.

TBI Recovery Building Block #2 Exercise

The lymphatic system – it needs your help

This is an important one. Way important. Not only does exercise increase oxygen flow through the brain and body, it also helps move “sludge” out of the system. This time of year, especially, getting enough exercise is of paramount importance. Because it’s getting to be cold and flu season, folks, and that means your body needs some extra help.

See the picture on the right? That’s your lymphatic system. It carries fluid called “lymph” through your system and that fluid helps transport white blood cells and also clear out junk from infections and illness. The lymphatic system doesn’t circulate only on its own like the circulatory system. It needs muscular contractions to help move the fluid through — which means exercise can only help. I’ve read that especially movement on the right side of the body helps to move lymph. In any case, any movement is good, as far as I’m concerned. (Provided, of course, you’re not overdoing it.)

Exercise is also incredibly important because of the benefits to the brain. A lot of research has come out in the past years about how it improves cognition, as well as mood. It helps with attentional issues, and it can ease depression. Exercising first thing in the morning has been shown to help at-risk kids turn around poor performance, as well as helping regular kids excel.

Speaking from personal experience, a lot of problems I was having several years ago really eased up when I started exercising regularly. I think it was a combination of things that helped me, including relieving stress and being better able to relax. Whatever it was, getting in some rigorous exercise, first thing each morning was a definite precursor to the vast improvements I’ve experienced over the past few years.

Exercise helps in so many ways. Having better stamina and more strength also helps take the pressure off my daily life, because I’m physically more able to keep up with everything. I don’t tire as easily, and in the process I enjoy my life a whole lot more. It’s good. It’s really, really good. And as far as I’m concerned, a supportive community of fitness-oriented folks you can exercise with regularly can probably do as much good for you as an officially qualified rehab professional. In some ways, they might even be able to do more.

Everybody has their place, of course… Not to knock the qualified professionals, but TBI recovery really does have a big physiological component to it, so if you don’t take care of that, things can turn out harder for you than need be.

One of the other benefits of exercise with TBI is that it can require prolonged concentration and focus. Minding your form while you’re lifting weights or you’re going through certain motions, is a kind of meditation in itself, and it can strengthen your attention and help you deal with distractability. When you’re in danger of really hurting yourself if you use bad form, it has a way of focusing your attention like nothing else. And of course paying attention to how your body feels as you’re going through the motions is great mindfulness exercise. Not to mention how your body feels after you’re done with your workout – or on the next day, when you get re-acquainted with all the muscles you forgot you had in the first place.

If nothing else, exercise gets you out of your head. And for some of us — TBI or no — that’s the best thing about it.

It think it’s fair to say, my TBI recovery took a dramatic turn for the better, when I started getting regular exercise. I don’t doubt for a minute that it could do the same for others. And that’s why I consider it the #2 building block of a quality TBI recovery. Speaking of moving… gotta get up and go.

Now.

Back to work again

Writing helps

Well, this past weekend was interesting. Call it a wash. Call it an excellent use of time. I did things, this past weekend, that I haven’t done in years — read a bit of fiction and a bit of essay, explored various countries online, and wrote in my journal. A lot.

I haven’t really written journal-type stuff (outside of this blog) for a pretty long time. It’s been fits and starts, on and off, without much commitment. I’ve also been a bit wary of the whole journaling thing, because it tends to pull me into a self-consumed state of mine where I hash over the same stuff over and over and over again. And then when I look back, it really bothers me that I couldn’t get out off that loop.

This weekend, though, I did a lot of writing. I just didn’t care about the danger of “looping”.  I was sick. I was feeling bad. And it gave me some relief.

So, that’s good.

What was really good about it, was that I was writing in a different way than I used to, when I kept those “loop journals”. This time, I was writing for the specific purpose of getting my brain online.  See, I believe that the ways we use our brains determine how they are shaped, and I believe that writing is an excellent way of reshaping our brains. Keeping up this blog has been a huge part of my recovery — both because it helps me, and because it seems to help others. There are just no downsides (so long as I don’t let the blogging interfere with my daily routines).

What I did this weekend, was spend a lot of time really paying attention to my life and the world around me. I paid really close attention to the qualities and characteristics of the things around me — the minor parts of life that are so full of rich details that if we stopped to pay real attention to them, our lives would be as full and as wonderful as any action movie. I do believe that. The reason it doesn’t happen is, we just don’t try. We don’t realize that’s possible. And we don’t do it, so we don’t have practice, so it’s hard for us to do — and things that are hard are really no fun, so we don’t do them. And we get even more out of practice.

So, this past weekend, while I was fighting off my ear/sinus infection, I practiced. I looked at the patterns of raindrops on the roof of my car sitting down in the driveway. I examined the movements of clouds and the colors of leaves turning for autumn. I really felt the textures of the things in my house – the uneven surface of the bannister, the roughness of the walls, the weight and rumble of the sliding glass door. And even though I felt really, really sick, it woke me up in ways that I haven’t been awake, in quite some time.

And I realize that the big reason that my journaling didn’t help me — and got stuck in a loop — in the past, is that I was too much inside my head, too consumed by the confused thoughts and conflicts raging inside of me. I wasn’t journaling about the world around me, I was trying to “pin down” what was going on inside of me, and that — frankly — was a lost cause, because it was all a swiftly moving target that was constantly changing and morphing and flying from one extreme to the other, and it could never be pinned down.

But this different kind of writing — the “outside-in” writing, which is about what’s going on beyond my brain — is a whole other way of sorting through things. It’s like I’m exercising parts of my brain that don’t get any exercise in the course of my everyday logistics life. It’s like I’m
“airing out” the musty corners that don’t get much sunlight when I am so very intent on just getting something done that’s a problem for me. Focusing intently on doing things like making breakfast or doing my morning warm-up is good for the attention, but it doesn’t do much for my imagination. And the imagination part is what really rounds out my life and makes it enjoyable and worth living. Imagination is what I need help with, and this sort of writing — even just a few sentences about the shape of raindrops on the roof of my car — fires up that part of my brain like nothing else. It jump-starts my ability to experience life around me, in small pieces that don’t overwhelm me. And that’s good.

So, today I am awake with a very different perspective on things. I have finished my antibiotics, and I have another appointment with my doctor tomorrow to make sure my ears are alright. I still don’t feel well, and I have a ton of things to take care of at work today. I also have more things I need to do for my own life, because my spouse has been very, very sick and I am a bit more functional than they are, so someone needs to pick up the slack.

I feel, in a way, like I’ve turned the corner on something. I’ve had a pretty rough couple of months, with my job change and all the craziness going on inside my head. But I’m settled, now. I am settling in. I have a really good understanding of the physiological basics of keeping my life on track. I have a pretty good understanding of how to keep stress from wrecking me. I am determined to stick with those things and make my life better. And I have this new way of writing and exploring and improving how I think, how I feel, how my brain works — how I experience my life.

And it’s good. I can get back to work again. It’s going to take time, but I have a feeling I’m going to enjoy the process.

Searchers Top 27 for August 24, 2012

August is nearly over. Back to School season is well underway. Kids have gone off to college for the first time, leaving plenty of parents wondering where all the years went. It’s becoming cooler, and the light is changing. Fall is right around the corner.

Here are the Top 27 searches people entered to get to this blog today, along with my responses.

1. how to slow down my heart rate – This is a common search that brings people here all the time. Click here to read what I’ve said — I hope it helps.
2. loneliness – Yeah, you and me both. I’ve been feeling really lonely, lately, partly because my work situation is so stressful and amped-up, and partly because I just don’t have that much interaction with people. Most of the time, I get depressed, when I see how people behave. It’s just not right. The political scene makes me nauseous. All the social debates and terrible things people do to each other — it’s so unnecessary and so pointless and it doesn’t achieve anything lasting that really helps. Everybody has pain, but not all of us inflict it on others. And those of us who are determined to not inflict pain on others for our own personal gain, tend to be fewer and farther between than I’d like. It’s lonely out there. But sometimes we manage to find people who can relate to us — and then it’s a little less lonely. That helps.
3. solution for extreme light sensitivity – The only solution I’ve been able to find, other than sunglasses, is rest. And lots of it. When I am tired, I can become very sensitive to light. When I am stressed by having to process too much information around me, I can’t tolerate light. Resting and relaxing help.
4. weakness is pain leaving the body – I’ve ranted about this before. ‘Nuff said.
5. can being overtired cause you to feel dumb – Yes. Especially with TBI. And it’s not just feeling dumb. It’s being dumb — for myself, that is. I can’t speak for anyone else. When I am overtired, I can become a friggin’ idiot. Impulse control goes out the window, along with complex thought. It’s not pretty. I get Dumb and Dumber.
6. what makes tbi a mental condition – Well, it happens in your brain, so that’s mental. And it affects your mind, as well — the mind and the brain are two different things. The brain is an organ, the mind is the whole system (including your cardio-pulmonary “brain” and your enteric nervous system “brain”) managing the flow of energy and information throughout your whole body and your whole life. I personally believe that TBI contributes to mental illness the same way that other traumas do — it kicks your fight-flight system into high gear and it can keep it there indefinitely, if you’re not aware of what’s going on or if you haven’t found a way to get out of that adrenaline loop. TBI can seriously mess with your biochemistry and set you up for depression, impulse-control issues, behavioral issues, and a whole lot of other problems that come from having a nervous system that’s totally whacked out. You may start out with a relatively “mild” injury, but if important aspects of your life are disrupted in ways that put you on constant guard and alert, eventually it will take a toll. Unless you can do something about that and figure out how to adjust and adapt, you can find yourself worse off, after a few years, than you were at the start. It happened to me, and it happens to a lot of people.
7. impact brain test – I am not a huge fan of computer testing for concussion and pre-concussion baselines, mainly because people tend to use machines as crutches and often don’t put in the work they need to do, to understand and respond appropriately. If someone gets an Impact testing package, does that mean they don’t have to understand concussion/TBI, and they can just rely on the machine? Of course not. But not all people think that way, so ultimately it might do more harm than good. Education about concussion and the best way to handle it — by an independent person who has been properly trained and doesn’t have a vested interest in overlooking injury for the sake of “winning” — is really the best way to go.
8. how well did my job interview go – Good question. That’s always a hard one for me. I usually find out later, but it’s notoriously difficult for me to tell, right after it happened.
9. i forget where i am – I forgot where I was, about a week ago. I was driving through some woods not far from my home, in a section where I’m usually paying close attention to traffic and don’t look around much. I looked around me, and I did not recognize anything. I couldn’t even remember where I was going, for a few seconds. It probably lasted about 5-10 seconds, then I turned a corner and I recognized where I was. It was a little eerie, and it kind of freaked me out, but it happens.
10. live by choice, not by chance. make changes, not excuse. be motivated, not manipulated. work to excel, not compete. listen to your inner voice, not the jumbled opinions of everyone else – Yes, what they said.
11. pain is weakness leaving the body quote – see above
12. univ of buffalo brain injury treatment – These folks have a protocol that helps people recover from concussion — even people with long-standing persistent issues. They also have a great success rate (last I checked). I have a bunch of things I’ve written about them here.
13. ways to slow down your heart rate – Again, see above
14. off work following a concussion – Probably smart. I never stopped working after my concussion(s), and it got me in trouble. It blinded me to the problems I was having, because I was so busy pushing and pushing and pushing, that I didn’t stop to look at what was going on with me. Only when I took time off to help a family member who was seriously ill, did I realize that my thinking was messed up, my noise and light sensitivities were intense, and I was in constant stress for reasons I didn’t understand. Taking time off work is so important. I hope the person who searched on this is making the most of it.
15. tbi and anger – They tend to go hand-in-hand. Either someone was an angry person before, and their TBI has made things worse, or they underwent some personality changes because the way their brain worked before isn’t the same as it is now, and they get stressed, agitated, and they’re not able to regulate their emotions a well as before. Rage tends to accompany TBI, too. It’s a problem — and it’s probably responsible for a lot of people going to jail. Dealing with TBI-induced anger is critical — both for the survivor and the people around them.
16. contagious trauma in managing change – It happens. It’s not easy to watch people go through things, and you can end up going through things, as well. Also, when you’re dealing with someone who has wild mood swings and outbursts and may be edgy, you can develop trauma having to deal with them every day. Being threatened by someone else is not easy, even if they have good reason to be on edge. But trauma is the “gift that keeps on giving” and it sometimes is contagious.
17. navy seal positive self talk – I’ve written some things here (follow the link)
18. i got a concussion now i cant feel emotions – This is understandable. Here’s how I think this works (based on my own experience, not on any research I’ve read). When you get a concussion, your whole system may need to work harder just to do the same things as before. Because it has to work harder, you depend more on stress hormones and adrenaline to keep going. Especially if the symptoms are confusing, disruptive, unwelcome, and uncontrollable, you can find yourself always on edge and always on guard. When that happens, your biochemistry shuts down the parts of you that are “unnecessary” — the emotions, the feelings, the more receptive parts of you. Your system is so busy trying to keep up, that it loses touch with the feeling parts of itself. After a while, you can get out of practice and end up feeling like a block of wood. That happened to me. I lost all the emotional stuff (aside from anger and rage and sadness and frustration), and I felt like a block of wood walking around. I’m starting to feel like that again, with my current job situation, so I know it’s time to go.
19. you know you’re tired when this happens – Yes, you sure do.
20. do you use your vagus nerve to sing? – I think the vagus nerve is affected (in a good way) by singing, but I’m not sure it helps you sing.
21. head ramming concussion symptoms – You can get a TBI/concussion from head-banging. The symptoms will vary from person to person, but if someone is behaving differently (and seeming more stupid) than before, and they’ve been ramming their head against something, could be they have a concussion. And they should take care of themself so they can start behaving like a regular person again, as well as get smart again. These things can heal with time – but it takes time.
22. mild tbi two years later – Is not uncommon. Some of us end up having symptoms for a while. It’s not uncommon. It has been said that about 85% of concussed folks recover fully without further problems, but that means 15% don’t. I’m one of the 15%. And in fact (thanks markinidaho for the nudge), when you get down to it, concussion effects are permanent. Even if you don’t have intense issues, you can still be more sensitive to caffeine and alcohol and drugs, and you’re always going to be more susceptible to another concussion.  I’m still dealing with TBI stuff, more than 7 years after my last concussion (nearly 8 – coming up this Thanksgiving). That one came after more than 8 prior concussions, which started when I was a young kid. When the brain changes, it changes. And working with it to change it in a different direction has been an ongoing process with me. It just doesn’t end.
23. brain injury complacency – Is also not uncommon. People tend to shrug it off, because people have been getting hit in the head for thousands of years, and most people have gotten a kick out of how funny it is to watch someone stagger around like they’re drunk, or lie there knocked out before they open their eyes and jump up again. We’re learning better now, but there’s still a lot of complacency — especially with regard to men. Getting hit on the head, hitting others on the head, punching people, getting punched, getting knocked down and getting back up to go back in the fray is all part of the stereotypical American male growing-up experience, and a lot of folks think it’s just how you toughen ‘em up. The same is somewhat true for women, but not nearly as much. Still, that idea that you have to be “tough” and that you can just dismiss a brain injury and go back to what you were doing before, is common. And people think that things will just take care of themselves, or that we can “design” a new life on purpose, if we just try/think hard enough.
24. how can i slow my heart rate down during exercise – See above. And try taking slower breaths. It could be that you’re breathing too fast — hyperventilating.
25. warning sign photos – Shouldn’t be too hard to find here. I use them now and then.
26. anxiety and vagus nerve – I love my vagus nerve, and so should you. I’ve written a fair amount about the vagus nerve. I really need to write more…
27. pain is just weakness leaving the body – No, it’s not. See above.

So, that’s it for today, folks. Enjoy the last days of summer!

Long days, quiet days, better days

It’s all out there

So, I’ve had a bunch of pretty intense days, and I’ve had a couple of quiet days. Today feels better than things felt a couple of weeks ago, largely because I’ve actually been making some progress, without being constantly interrupted by everyone around me. I’ve removed myself from the middle of the “mosh pit” of the “open collaborative space” and taken up residence in a room on the other side of the building… or I’ve had my headphones on and ignored everyone around me… or I’ve stayed pretty late, just knocking out the mindless tasks that are so unbelievably tedious, yet have to be done.

I’ve also had an interview with a recruiter that went really well, and I’m supposed to have a call with a hiring manager tomorrow. My job search is off to a raring start — this is the first position that I’ve explored, and it actually looks promising. I have my reservations, and I certainly don’t want to just go with the first thing that comes along. I need some points of reference. At the same time, though, if this is a good thing and if it looks like a good fit for everyone (especially me), then I’d be kind of dense to not go for it.

And that gives me hope. Because that wave of clarity that came over me the other day is really paying off. And the direction I’m going, work-wise, is so very energizing for me. It’s like I’ve gotten a fresh new lease on life, a boost, a shot of energy. Just by doing what I love to do, and what I’ve been doing for close to 20 years. How excellent is that.

In the midst of all the activity, in the midst of all the changes, the one thing I need to remember — perhaps above all — is to replenish my supplies. I feel like I have to work so much harder and put so much more effort into even the simplest things, so I don’t screw them up, that I run out of energy sooner, and I get really depleted. I think it’s a combination of TBI-induced distractability and hyper-sensitivity, as well as operating at a higher level in general, than I have in the past. I really have had a tremendous run of advancement, over the past two years, but that has come at a price, and I haven’t fully adjusted to the intensified demands on my system.  My life has become significantly more complex, but I haven’t invested as much time as I might have in developing the habits and rituals that will support me the way I need to be supported. Yes, I have been very diligent about eating breakfast and taking my vitamins, but my exercise has been uneven at best, unpredictable and lackadaisical at worst, and my eating habits after breakfast have left a lot to be desired… especially in the evening when I’ve gotten in the habit of eating a large dinner late at night. I don’t live in Spain, where they typically eat after 9 p.m. It makes no sense for me to be living like this.

I think one of the biggest shifts I need to make, is actually taking my progress seriously. It’s weird — when your brain is unpredictable, and things are constantly taking you by surprise (for one reason or another), you tend to think that success and good fortune are more about luck than preparation and hard work. At least, I tend to think that. Oh, I know there’s a lot of prep work and elbow-grease that needs to go into any successful endeavor. I think I believe that a lot more than many people around me (who seem to think that “working smart not hard”, and/or simulating success will suffice). But at the same time there’s always this thought in the back of my mind that no matter how hard I work to prepare and develop my prospects, something can blind-side me and take it all away – or point me in a completely new and different direction that just doesn’t fit me at all.

Like with this job situation — when I started, things were great and I felt like I was home. It was a small-ish company that had a lot of the qualities that I was looking for in an employer. But then things changed dramatically in ways that were wholly out of my hands, out of my control. And I — like so many others — was forced to adapt to something that showed up on our doorstep and wasn’t going away. It’s that kind of thing — the unknown, the unanticipated, the unexpected — that happens to me all the time. To the point where it seems pretty useless to come up with fancy plans and work to make them happen.

‘Cause stuff always comes up.

But what was I saying… oh, yes — in working on my life and working towards my goals, I tend not to make much of my work and my progress. At least, not in my mind. I tend to play down my progress and not really appreciate how much I’ve accomplished, and how much I’ve changed not only my life, but the lives of those around me. Maybe it’s just well-informed humility that keeps me from getting cocky and thinking “Yeah, I’ve got this,” when I know full well that at any time, something could happen to dramatically change it all and trash what I’ve worked so hard to create. It’s happened before, and I always expect it to happen again. It’s a fine line I have to walk, a careful balance I have to keep, between confidence and realism, between optimism and pragmatism. I know that life brings constant change for us all. But in my mind, it often feels so disruptive, so troubling, so pernicious… and I feel so helpless. My literal mind gets stuck in a certain way of thinking and being that — let’s be honest — will never be 100% correct and true. But getting out of that mindset is like trying to extract myself from quicksand.

So, life tends to do the job for me. It throws me curveballs and it ambushes me. It makes things really, really interesting for me… and trashing my assumptions and presumptions on a regular basis. No matter how attached I get to certain ideas, certain situations, something usually happens to trash it, and I have to either start from scratch or make some real adjustments to my attitude and approach, just to keep up.

It’s just life, of course. Tell that to my literal, inflexible brain. It doesn’t deal well with change, which is ironic because there has been so much radical change in my life over the years.  Sometimes the biggest challenge is often not only dealing with the unexpected, but dealing with my mindset and attitude about all this unexpected stuff. And it’s a constant exercise.

Like so many other kinds of exercise, the harder I work, the more I need to rest and feed myself. I’ve discovered — yet again (it’s like that movie “Groundhog Day” inside my head sometimes) — that in order to keep up the blistering pace of just living my life, I need to feed myself — body, mind, and spirit — as well as get plenty of rest. It’s no good when I’m depleted. I’m no good when I’m depleted. And I need to take my work and my efforts seriously enough to really rebuild after all the pushing and striving and change.

After all, building muscle is not just about stressing your body. It’s mostly about recovery and proper nutrition. And in a figurative sense, I haven’t been giving myself enough of that — downtime, rest time, replenishment.

So, that being said, I’m going back to my reading — The Winner’s Bible, for starters. I’m reading it while I ride my exercise bike in the morning, and it’s already having a positive impact. There are some other books I’ve checked out, that look really promising as well — books that emphasize pacing yourself, building in recovery, and really constructing a whole “success ecosystem” around yourself.

It’s good. And it’s helping.

So, that being said, it’s time to get on with my day. I’m just focusing on what’s in front of me, these days, giving my best to the various efforts I’m undertaking and not getting too far ahead of myself. I’ve effectively let go of all my attachment to the job I’m in now. There’s really no future in it for me, and I’m finding the future elsewhere. I’ve got excellent prospects; I don’t have to stay in this situation any longer than I feel like it. And I’ve got a whole wide world in front of me, waiting to be explored. Things are good. Life is good. And I can give myself some credit for all the work I’ve done, all the progress I’ve made — both personally and professionally. It hasn’t been a fluke – it’s been a ton of hard work… much harder work than a lot of people I know are willing to do. And I can be proud of that — while remembering that change is the one constant in life, and I really can’t take anything for granted. I have to keep working and growing and exploring. And I have to give myself ample time to recover and relax and rebuild.

It’s a fine line, this. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Better sleep

Yeah…

Got better sleep last night — actually slept through the night. I did the following things that I think helped me:

1. I headed to bed before 10:00 p.m. – the night before, I went to bed around 11:10 and my schedule felt “off”.  If I get to bed later than 10:00, I start to feel rushed and stressed about not getting enough sleep.
2. I set the air conditioner on “low cool” in stead of “medium cool” – the night before, the room got too cold and I woke up both too hot and too cold. I couldn’t seem to regulate my body temperature, which meant I couldn’t relax and get back to sleep.
3. I didn’t eat any sugar or drink any caffeine after supper. In fact, I didn’t have any sugar during the afternoon, either. The day before, I had some candy in the afternoon, and I had some chocolate ice cream for dessert. I think that made it harder for me to relax. (I know – I’m all sensitive ‘n such)
4. I ate earlier – the night before, I didn’t eat until after 9 p.m. That can’t be good. And it wasn’t.

So, I actually slept through – and I got about 7-1/2 hours of continuous sleep. The night before, got three hours of sleep and then four hours of sleep, which technically makes 7 hours, but it was broken up and it wasn’t good quality sleep.

Last night was better. And so am I.

And when I got up, I exercised. Because when I don’t exercise first thing in the morning, I get severely out of sorts, I’m not fully present or involved in my day, and things just don’t “flow” very well… which has a snowball effect of making me more and more anxious and agitated.

I’ve got a doctor’s appointment in a few hours – and then after that I’ll be seeing my neuropsych. I really need to check in with my NP about the past week — feeling so bad, feeling so sick. I’m quite sure it’s just been anxiety, but I do need to check in just to let them know this has been going on. I feel like I’ve worked through it pretty well on my own, but if they don’t know this is going on with me, if something similar happens or if I turn up having more of the same that’s much more intense, then it might not make sense to them, and they won’t see a pattern. And they will have a harder time helping me, I think.

The weird thing is, even though I’m feeling much better and I am not dragged down like I was a few days ago, I still feel like crap. Even though I’m able to function much better than earlier, I really don’t feel well, I have this underlying sense of being a little ill, I’ve got nausea and headache, and I’m just not feeling like myself. I’m tired. Really, really tired. And even though I feel very energized by some things, I still have this other sense of being “off” in some way. It feels physical, not psychological. I’m reluctant to tell my doctor, because I’m afraid they’re going to order tests and start to poke and prod me and try to find something wrong that they can “treat” with drugs. I don’t want to take drugs. I just want to have balance and sanity in my life, and I want to just get on with things.

It could be that this underlying sense of illness will just stay with me, like the chronic pain. And I’ll learn to work with/around it. I’ll learn to keep my attention elsewhere. That could very well be.

Or it could be that this underlying sense can be dissipated with good exercise and stretching and building up my strength. I do know that when I am well-rested, everything gets better. Just how to get well-rested is another question. But it’s one I’ll just have to keep working at. Because it doesn’t make sense to do anything else. I can’t give up. I don’t give up. It’s not in my nature.

So, I’ll just keep going and keep watching… and see what else I can do to help myself get on the good foot.

Better sleep is a start.