Calling it a day

It’s been a full day, with its share of unexpected “wrinkles”.

It’s been a good day – beautiful weather, and some increasing clarity on the direction I am taking with my life.

It’s been a long day, even though it “only” started at 6 a.m., and it’s not even 12 hours later.

One of the really good things about it, is how good I am feeling right now – how good I have been feeling all day. The mud is clearing from my perspectives, and I have more resolve than ever.

Also, all my stretching and 90-second breaks are really helping a great day. In fact, they are helping so much that I can actually tell that I am tired.

Way tired.

Bone tired.

Dog tired.

In the past, I would always push through – have some coffee, eat a candy bar, get bent out of shape over something – until I was too wired to feel anything.

Today, I am relaxed enough to know that I need to lie down for a nap for about an hour, before I’m going to be good for anything.

I didn’t get everything done today that I was intending to, but I can spend some time later working on things. The nice part about having a definite timeframe to move on, and a definite idea of where I’m going, is that I suddenly have a ton of energy for figuring things out and finishing up projects that have been in the wings for a long, long time, that I haven’t been able to get done.

So, with this final 2-month push, I’ll kick it and make some tracks. Make some progress. And really shape my future the way I am hoping to.

With plenty of breaks in between. To breathe. To settle. To balance. To regain my composure and head back into the fray.

On-ward.

Ah, the brain fog…

Ooof – I am so fogged over, it’s not even funny. Kind of like the weather this morning.

It’s Monday morning, I’m on the next-to-last day of my week’s vacation, and I am really ready to get back to normal. I have done a ton of traveling across multiple states, driving as long as 8 hours (taking occasional breaks, of course), and trying to spend as much time as possible with the family I didn’t get to see over the past holidays, when I was sick as a dog and felt like I was dying.

The net result of it all has been way too little sleep (I think I got about 4-5 hours last night), and more demands on my system than usual. Pain. Pain and suffering. I’ve been sleeping in beds that are too soft for me, and my body just aches. My head is so foggy, I feel like I’m only half here, and I’m dizzy on top of it.

Yes, I know better than to push myself, but I’ve been doing the best I can under the circumstances. I’ve been napping when I can, and resting whenever possible. Sleeping in the car while someone else drives. Stepping away to just catch my breath and chill.

I joked before leaving on this vacation that the best thing about going, will be coming back, and it’s partly true. My daily schedule is completely whacked. The foods I usually eat are out the window. The sleep-wake schedule is, well, not much of schedule to speak of. And all the while, there’s the energy that comes from being with family again after so long, all of us feeling like we have to make up for lost time, which we do.

One family member almost died a few months back. Another one may be dying soon. Others are going through all sorts of changes — jobs and family and legal matters and finances… The whole modern American experience, to be sure.

Overall, even though I’ve felt like old meat on a cold slab for most of this trip, I’m still having a good time. It’s good to see everyone. I haven’t lost it. I haven’t melted down. I’ve been pretty chill, overall, with one or two minor exceptions. I’ve kept my act together on the outside, even as on the inside I’ve been crumbling to bits. So, that’s something.

I’ll just be so glad to get back to regular, everyday life, and resume my routine. And eat my favorite foods — that are really good for me, too. And sleep in my own danged bed. And work around my own danged house.

Dang, I can’t wait to go home.

But for now, I’m here. With family. Getting ready to hit the road again to see another set of folks before the long trek back tomorrow. It’s been a good trip — a long and arduous one, but good.

Onward.

Finding progress after TBI

It’s there if I look for it

It’s been a real roller-coaster of a year, thus far. Work changes, home life changes, and trying to “reboot” my life for the better.

I’ve been noticing that I get pretty FIXated on what needs to be “fixed” in my life — what’s wrong, what’s going worse than I want it to, what needs to be addressed so that I can relax.

Relax… hm. There’s an idea.

But here’s the thing — a lot of what I think is “wrong” is going to change on its own, so I don’t actually need to do anything about it. A lot of what I really struggle with isn’t going to last. The job situation changes, as people come and go and the company decides to do something completely different. Family situations change, as people get sick and get better and learn their lessons and talk things through. Everyday life situations change, too. It’s just the nature of things.

So, getting too caught up in fixing something in my life that’s going to change, eventually, anyway, doesn’t actually make a lot of sense.

What makes more sense, is to settle into my own life, my own pace, my own way of thinking and doing things… figure out what I want to do with myself in my life… and stay the course as I get there.

All around me, things are crazy. People are genuinely insane, and they’re not making much attempt to hide it, these days. I can’t even look at the news these days, because all that’s there is drama and pain and blood and explosions. There’s no news of anything really good going on on mainstream media. Seriously, there’s not.

So, I have to find a different way — in the outside world and internally as well.

There’s Good News Network, for example, which shows all the good things that are happening in the world that don’t get major media coverage. There’s Good News on the Huffington Post, and then there’s Happy News, which is real news of happy things.

Internally, I need to keep my spirits up, as well, and really concentrate on the good that’s happening in my life. I tend to be so oriented towards addressing issues, finding what’s wrong and fixing it, that I neglect the good when it’s there. And I end up feeling artificially bad about so much, when I could feel genuinely good about so much more.

The fact of the matter is, I can now live my life with 1000% more sense of capability, than I could, just a few years ago. The fact of the matter is, even in the face of really difficult conditions, I can function — and function very well. The fact of the matter is, I have learned how to manage my temper and control my anger outbursts. The fact of the matter is, people who used to be afraid of me, no longer are. I have a better relationship with my family than I ever have — I even spent an hour on the phone with one of my siblings on Sunday night, talking in ways we have rarely talked — nothing that heavy, just talking for real about our lives and how we feel about them.

So much in my life has improved over the past years of dealing with my TBI issues. So much has settled itself, or I’ve found ways of handling it all with more capability than I thought I could. I have done some pretty amazing work, and I need to remember that — maybe make up a record book of some kind to remind myself of how far I’ve come, and what I’ve accomplished.

Because I forget. I forget and I lose sight of those things. My memory is not my best friend, when it comes to tracking where I’m at and how far I’ve come. I’m pretty caught up in the everyday, so I tend to focus on that.

But there’s more to life than the present instant that needs to be “dealt with”. There’s a whole world of past and future that’s looking for my recollection and discovery. And the bottom line is, no matter how much I may doubt myself from day to day, I have a whole lot of experience overcoming substantial roadblocks, and I can be pretty proud of that. I need to pace myself… and remember that even overcoming roadblocks, as necessary and encouraging as that can be, does take a lot of energy. And when I get depleted, I get depressed — for no other reason than that I’m depleted and I need to recharge my batteries. I get so tired, I forget that the very reason I’m tired, is because I’ve been doing really good work — and a lot of it — all day.

So, as much as I think about “making” progress in the course of my daily life, I also need to remember to find progress — steps I’ve already completed (and successfully at that), which show me I’m far more capable and resourceful than I give myself credit for.

I can do better about giving myself a rest and letting myself take a break, so I can come back stronger than ever. And I can remember — whether through a note to myself or a sign on the refrigerator — that I actually am making progress, it just seems like I’m not, because it’s lost in the haze of my fatigue and all my future plans.

Progress — it’s right in front of me, if I but look for it.

Getting used to it — again

For some reason, there’s a part of me that thinks I’ll be able to soldier through this TBI stuff and come out on the other side, issue-free.

Like I won’t have any more sensitivity to noise or light when I’m tired.

Like I won’t feel like going off the deep end, when I get overwhelmed and fee cornered.

Like I will finally feel rested and be able to live each day with an abundance of energy.

Like I will feel like my old self again.

Broken record me – it’s not happening.

But check this out – that doesn’t so much matter.

I mean, it does matter that I generally feel like crap on any given day, that I feel like I’ve been dragged behind a bus, at any given moment, and I feel like I’m going to just drop from exhaustion and overwhelm at the least expected times. That’s no friggin’ fun, for sure.

But the main thing is — these things don’t have to ruin my life. Sure, its unpleasant. Sure, it’s troubling. Sure, it’s a hassle to deal with. But just because it affects me, doesn’t mean it has to affect others, make them miserable too, and ruin my chances of being able to do something worthwhile in the world.

I can live and do the things I need to do, regardless of how shitty I feel.

And if I can’t get these issues to go away, I can at least keep them from ruining everyone’s day.

Just manage them. Deal with it. Handle ‘em.

And get on with it.

Onward.

Feeling crappy, feeling great

I know it sounds like a contradiction, but that’s “where I’m at” tonight.

I am really tired – mentally and physically. I feel like crap. I am so sick and tired of my job and the politics and the confusion and people being all bent out of shape over every little thing… and I’m tired of being bent out of shape, too. I’m just sick of it, and I’m feeling a bit ill in general. My head feels fuzzy and thick with pressure, my lower back is a knot, I’ve got intense springtime allergies that are making my eyes look like I’ve gone five rounds against Mike Tyson, and I have no interest in going to work each day. I just do it because it’s what I do.

On the other hand, I’ve accepted/resigned myself to this state of affairs for the time being, and I’m paying attention to other aspects of my life which are much more enjoyable and uplifting – I’m catching up with a good buddy of mine who I worked with, years ago. I’m able to stretch and relax better than ever, and the sound of the cracking and the sensation of my joints loosening up is like a magic elixir during a dark journey.

I’m actually quite relaxed tonight, despite being so baked. And I feel good. I feel like a new person, actually, with all this relaxation and stretching business. And I’m not even noticing the commute, these days, having plenty to think about that interests me… and that needs sorting out in my head, anyway.

I’ve pretty much let go of the job thing – it is what it is, and while I do look around for other things now and then, I have yet to find anything that really grabs me. I’m going to start looking again in June, so I can move on in September or October. The whole job thing makes me ill, just thinking about it. But I’m not going to be there forever, so… what-ever.

Yeah, what – ever. I’m actually in a really good place at work – key people want me around a hell of a lot more than I want to be around, and I know I have a place with a really tasty project that is going to be very high profile and good for my career, if I actually follow through with it. Meanwhile, I found another amazing opportunity in a field I’ve been wanting to get into, doing the kind of work I really enjoy doing. And I’m going to apply for it, just to see what happens.

Either way, it’s good. It’s fine. Sure.

But I’m tired. I’m done for the day. Good night.

 

mTBI – Like Permanent Jet-Lag

Back to regular life…

Well… I’ve been back in my own time zone for more than 48 hours, and I’m still feeling the burn. It usually takes me about a week at home, till I start feeling like myself again. It’s weird – when I travel outside the States, I acclimate pretty quickly — I’m good to go after a day of acclimation. But when I come home, it’s much, much harder. Strange. Most people I talk to say it’s the other way around for them.

Well, wouldn’t be the first time I was oriented in the opposite direction to everyone else.

Maybe it’s more a question of returning home. The folks I know who do better coming to the States, live outside the States. So maybe it’s the return home that’s the trouble.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about this jet lag business, and thinking that given my history and the issues I have on a daily basis, I’m probably more adept at functioning when jet-lagged than most people. The “symptoms” I experience when I’m jet-lagged — foggy head, slowed reaction times, intense fatigue, general disorientation, and feeling just plain “blah” — are pretty much run-of-the-mill for me under normal circumstances. I don’t even have to get on a plane to have a full-blown case. I just need to be off my routine… and push myself… and not be eating right… and have all kinds of stress and troubles… and voila — instant jet-lag! And now for my next trick…

Or, sometimes I don’t even need to do anything. I just live my life like everyone else — which, come to think of it, is full of lack of sleep, not eating right, pushing yourself, and being deluged by a daily dose of stress and strain and troubles. So whether I try it or not, I end up with “walking jet-lag” — kind of like walking pneumonia, where you’ve got fluid in your lungs, but you’re still able to walk around and function.

So, there is some comfort in knowing that I can function under even these kinds of conditions, and it’s not that huge of a deal for me. It’s just business as usual — and then some. Actually, even though I can function, it really truly sucks to have even more strain put on me that keeps me from living my life. I swear, thinking about all the things I cannot do anymore because I am so friggin’ fried from just everyday life… all the things I choose not to do, because getting into social situations or navigating “exciting” night life sets me off and sends me into an anxiety-attack-like catastrophic response and I shut down… I’ve actually given up a LOT over the past years, because A) I lose it if I get into those situations, and B) I don’t feel like watching myself lose it… yet again.  Heck, even something as simple as going to a movie can throw me for a loop, which is not fair to my spouse. Or to me. Or anyone else around us.

So, yeah, I’ve given up a lot of things over the years because I just don’t feel up to them. I’ve started doing a lot more things in the past three years, like traveling for work and going to professional conferences and what-not… but to tell you the truth, I’d rather just stay home, read and study and explore online and write on my blog and watch movies and make a nice dinner to enjoy with my spouse, than go out and deal with crazy-ass people who love drama for the sake of drama.

I really don’t need that. It serves no useful purpose. And it makes me feel even worse than I did before. So there we have it.

Anyway, it’s time to get on with my day. Life is waiting, jet lag or no.

Onward.

Timing is everything

Slow and steady doesn’t always win the race

So, it’s back to my regular life — getting past the upheaval of the past few days, saving my energy for just taking care of business — and working on overcoming my difficulty getting started with things.

I have a personal project going on that really has me motivated and inspired. It’s very exciting, and I think it’s going to have some good results. And it gets me out of my head. I did a bunch of work on it last weekend (and it cost me some hours of sleep), and I made good headway doing some sketches and writing up my notes… but it is turning out to be a lot more work than I originally anticipated.

Which is often the case

So, I have this project that I’m very excited about, and I have very clear steps to follow to get it done. It’s all mapped out for me, and I know what my steps are.

The challenge I face now is just getting started on each of the steps. Sometimes that just doesn’t happen.

A great example is yesterday – I had a lot of time in the evening work on this, but I frittered away the hours looking at social networking sites and reading news. I had enough time to really make some good headway on my project, but I blew the evening, pretty much, on distractions and heady entertainment. It puts me in a bind, for no good reason.

Truth to tell, I was pretty tired yesterday. I was feeling sick and out of it most of the day, and by the end of the day I just wanted needed to take a break. I have been pushing myself a lot, lately, so in all honesty, I did need to take a break. I just didn’t plan it that well. And I ended up feeling badly about “wasting” my time.

Now, feeling bad isn’t always such a bad thing — regret, as I’ve said before, can come in handy and provide me with more motivation to get going. That happened this morning, when I woke up at a decent time and then got up to do some of the things I meant to do last night.

I got a lot done, too — more than I expected to. I had expected to do only one sketch, but I ended up doing four — and then I scanned my sketches and transferred them from one computer to another, which is a critical next step. And this happened with less than an hour to work, vs. about five hours last night, when I had the time to be systematic and really concentrate on things without distraction.

So, how is this possible? Well, I think that timing really is everything. Having a sense of urgency matters with me, and if I don’t have at least some pressure around a task, I often can’t get started. Last night, there wasn’t an intense sense of urgency — at least in part because I was pretty tired and couldn’t muster the energy to sketch, but also because I thought, “Well, I have time… I can do other things first…” But this morning, with an hour before I had to get ready for work, I was able to sit down and just start one step. And once I got going, that one sketch turned into four… and then I was able to take care of yet another critical next step.

So, on a fraction of the amount of time I had last night, this morning I was able to do five times the work (maybe more), and I did a pretty good job, too, if I say so myself.

I think the thing was, I didn’t give myself hours and hours to get it all done. I gave myself an hour – tops – to do this, which didn’t give me endless time to confuse myself and bog myself down in endless details. I just didn’t have the time to supply all those details that came up in my head last night. And I also didn’t have the time to psych myself out and overwhelm myself with the whole progression of … stuff… I need to do… all those details…. all those steps… all that detail…

Also, I really need to finalize things by the end of this coming weekend. I have a deadline for submission of this project, and I have to get it all together and make sure everything is in place. This is a preliminary submission for a larger project, and it doesn’t have to be perfect, but there are some things that need to be covered. So, not everything matters, but enough does that I need to pay really close attention. And that gets overwhelming. And everything that could possibly go wrong, is coming to mind. And everything that could go right, is also coming to mind. And it’s a lot to parse.

If I give myself the time to parse it all out.

So, that being said, I realize (yet again) that things work so much better, if I don’t devote a ton of time to them. Once upon a time, I thought I could spend hours on something and go from one step to the next to the next, and ultimately I would have a finished project, and I would feel great about it. That’s what I thought, anyway. But in reality, I would start all kinds of projects and spend a lot of time on them, and I would get nothing done. Because I would get overwhelmed and would drop it all. This is the thing that earned me the reputation as a “quitter” when I was younger. It’s been a long-term problem – from as far back as I can remember – and I’ve struggled with it for so very long.

Now, though, with so much on the line, money being tight and my job situation being a lot more precarious than ever before, and my energy far, far less than it was in the past, I have to change my ways. I have to actually give myself less time. This is a good change, even though it feels rushed and confusing at times. It scares the bejesus out of me at times, truth to tell.

But it’s how I have to do things. The old, long, meandering way doesn’t work at all. I need to break down the things I need to do into small bits, and do them a little bit at a time with a lot of energy and focus, blocking everything else out. It can be tiring — which means I need to rest more, in the meantime — and it can be anxiety-producing, but when I get past the internal dramas, things have a way of working themselves out. I just need to have faith that they will.

Timing is everything – and as it turns out, not having much time at all is the best thing of all.

Everything feels strange today

a strange feeling | Sean Edward

This has been a really weird day. I worked from home, because there was bad weather called for, and I couldn’t see either spending hours on the road or — worse — getting stuck somewhere. With my luck, I would have gotten stuck at work

So, I worked. And I actually got a lot done. Not everything I was hoping to, but oh well. Some things took longer. Easily 2-3 hours longer.

Working from home is a mixed blessing. I get a lot done, but I also don’t move much. And I get sucked into my work and all “tranced out”, and then I can get snappy and rude and short-tempered when I’m interrupted. Like I’m going through withdrawal. Not nice. It happens at work with me, but even moreso at home. I get into this zone, and heaven help you, if you interrupt me.

I’ve also been feeling weirdly “off” — a little off balance, not very coordinated. Still tired from my business trip, and not really able to take the edge off and really relax. I’ve been pretty absent-minded lately, leaving notes out that people should not see, and spacing out over little things that I am normally pretty good at — like the order in which I cook food. The other night, I got so turned around, we ended up eating the steak I cooked with some quickly sauteed carrots and onions and mushrooms, while the vegetables I was roasting to go along with it ended up as a 2nd course. I didn’t even realize, till the steaks were done, that I had put the vegetables in too late.

It wasn’t terrible, but it was disorienting and troubling, and it put me on edge. Ah, well… it is brain injury awareness month, after all. And there’s nothing like some serious fatigue and malaise to raise that awareness with me.

So, anyway, I really need to watch myself when I get sucked into the work-at-home vortex. I can get pretty tweaked. And then my reactions to others are not that helpful. Fortunately, I’m aware of this, and I have had some instances in the past few hours where I just backed off and didn’t send the email that was flying out of my fingertips. In some cases, I referred people to others. That works. As long as the others respond, of course.

The other thing I’m keenly aware of is that I need a nap. I’ve been glued to my computer for the past 10 hours, and I need a break.

So, it’s off to have a little nap, and then get on with my evening, to see if I can relax and become relatively human again. I’ve been reading some really interesting papers in my spare time, and it’s got me thinking. Good stuff.

Ah, Groundhog Day…

I have a feeling I’ve been here before…

I’m not talking about the recent event when the behavior of a groundhog (or groundhogs, depending on your regional preference) determines our future. I’m talking about the movie,”Groundhog Day”  where Bill Murray’s character goes through the same day over and over and over again.

This is my life in a nutshell. I cycle through the same experiences / crap / joys / sorrows on a regular basis, each time without much active recollection of how it was before and what my experience was then. It applies to the good things, as well as the bad things, and my neuropsych is repeatedly surprised that I’m wrangling with the same issues that I was wrangling with, several weeks, months, or even years ago. Sometimes I have “new” experiences that are repeats of what I experienced only the day before, and I have to go through the whole learning process all over again.

One example I can think of was back in December, when I had that business trip overseas. Each day, I got up with this terrible, terrible dread — almost crippling anxiety over what was going to happen that day. It was awful, and I literally did not want to leave my room. I just wanted to stay behind closed doors, where I had no interaction with anyone, where I couldn’t possibly screw things up, and where I could move at my own pace and not adapt to anything new or different around me.

And each day, I literally forced myself to get dressed and go out into the world. Each day, I rediscovered that I was able to communicate, that I was capable of understanding what others were saying, even if I didn’t get every single word, and that the world outside was something to be explored and discovered, not dreaded and avoided.

Then the next day when I got up again, it was back to battling the crippling dread, the fear, the anxiety… the monumental effort of getting myself OUT the door… and the happy discovery that I could indeed handle myself well in the world beyond the hotel room. And at the end of each day, I was able to kick back and really enjoy myself in that space, just reveling — all over again — in the “discovery” that I was really going to be okay.

Now I have another business trip coming up that will take me overseas. This time I am going to a country where I do not speak the language. I have been studying a bit, which has been kind of funny — I found some audio files to learn from, but when I started to listen to them, it turned out to be all “Stop or I’ll shoot!” and “Put down your weapon!” and “How many armed men are there?” — apparently a law enforcement or military training course. At least I know how to say “Don’t shoot!” if I get into any trouble while I’m on my trip. You never know… there are some pretty rough neighborhoods where I’m going.

Anyway, the point I’m making is that for some reason, I seem to have just a terrible, terrible memory for things that have happened to me before. This is true of good things… and bad things. I seem to get myself into situations, over and over again, doing the same thing and expecting different results, and then I suffer and chafe when things don’t turn out like I think they’re going to.

Like trying to get out of the house to get to work… Time and time again, I get up thinking that I can just take a little time to check my email and/or do some little things around the house, and then I’ll be able to get to work on time. And time and time again, I get sidetracked on one thing or another… and I end up rushing and being later than I wanted to be. I make up the difference at the back end, of course, staying late — even later than I would have to, actually, because I start to warm up around 6 p.m., and it’s hard for me to take a break when I’m finally making good progress. Even so, even if I do make up the difference in the hours, the simple fact is that I do this over and over again, thinking that this time it will be different.

Insane? Well, according to some, it is. Whatever you call it, it gets frustrating, and I feel like a complete idiot.

I guess part of the equation of this apparent failure to learn, is the fact that I have to stay very present in the current moment, or I can really lose my bearings. I think this 100% here-and-now mindset has developed over years of having to navigate so many issues — light sensitivity, noise sensitivity, exhaustion, vertigo, nausea, pain of all kinds, headache, distractability, and more — but still needing to be functional. I think I just developed the habit of focusing so completely on the present so that I could function in that moment, that everything else — before and after — just disappears. Or it never has a chance to get set in my mind.

I think also the stress of daily living over the years has impaired my ability to learn. Just having to deal with all the sh*t of my issues and symptoms and the screw-ups and the adjustments and the confusions and distractions… it can get pretty stressful, and I’m sure it’s had some impact on my ability to learn.

Then again, in other areas I learn extremely well — like this language thing. I’m actually picking up a lot of good stuff, and I think I’ll be able to at least ask people for help and understand basic numbers and directions, and be able to thank people for their help, without too much struggle. Languages seem to come pretty naturally to me, and it surprises me how much sense they make to me after a relatively short period of time.

So, it’s not like I’m completely disabled with my learning. But experiential learning? There, again and again, I end up going through the same things, as though it were the first time ever.

Well, I can’t worry about it. If I approach it like it’s a grand adventure of constant discovery, and I treat each situation like a fun opportunity to have a “new” experience, it’s fine. It keeps me fresh, actually. It keeps me interested in my life. It’s never boring — that’s for sure. The worst thing I can do, is treat myself this means there’s something wrong with me, that it means I’m somehow damaged. If I don’t judge myself and I just accept that about myself — and come up with ways to work with/around my very limited memory… and I don’t get it in my head that this means I have early-onset dementia and I’m losing my mind…. I can work with this.

Hell, I’ve been working with it for as long as I can remember. I just “get lost” sometimes and I have to find my way out of the shadows and dead-ends… which I can do pretty well. I’ve had plenty of practice, you see.

Anyway, life goes on. I have a number of very interesting projects I am working on, and that’s keeping me interested and engaged in my life. I’m learning new things pretty well, and I feel good. I also got a lot of sleep yesterday afternoon, after I was done with my work. I worked from home, so I was able to just crawl into bed when I was done for the day. That was nice. I got about 7 hours of sleep last night, so that’s good, too. And I have all day today and all day tomorrow to kick back and take care of myself. Because I’m flying out in another week, and I need to be healthy and whole to make this trip.

So it goes. Part of me would like to have a better recollection of the things that I have experienced in the past, so that I don’t keep making the same mistakes, and I don’t keep pushing myself and wearing myself out. And I’m thinking about ways I could do that — maybe keep a log of what works for me in different situations, so I can draw on what has worked for me in the past… I had that kind of a log going, about 3 years ago, and it was working well for me. I think maybe I need to resurrect it, so I can continue to draw on my experiences and get my sh*t together better than I currently am. It’s an idea….

Anyway, the day is waiting, and I’ve got to get a move on. It’s always interesting and never boring… and I need to remind myself of how things have been in the past, as I work through my present and into my future.

I’ve been here before, I’m sure… now I need to figure out how to make the best of it.

 

Sleep – to be functional, and also to enjoy

Sleep makes it all better

So, I’m extremely happy to report that I got about 9 hours of sleep last night. Perhaps a little more. I did some reading before I went to sleep, so that might have added on to my awake-time, but who cares – I woke up about 9 hours later, and I am actually feeling human again. This is huge progress. Usually, I push right through — have a bowl of ice cream or some other sugary snack to keep me awake. Or I go channel surfing and indulge my inane side with late-night talk/comedy.

Not last night, though. I ate my dinner, helped my spouse with some web searches, and went off to bed.

This morning I woke up and started reading my book again — it’s a how-to book for my work, with stuff I have been needing to know, and I cannot advance my career until I know it. This is stuff I needed to know four years ago, when I had a different job that was much more technical than what I’m doing now — it’s the stuff I actually was doing… but didn’t understand at all. I fudged my way through that work, and it was pretty painful (and I made a quick exit at my first opportunity)… but now I need to get back into it and really understand it, not just fake it.

Faking it is not an option with me anymore – after doing it for years, I can no longer keep two steps ahead of those who might find me out. So, my only course of action is to study and learn and master the material. It’s not that difficult, actually. I just have had a hell of a time in the past reading and understanding and putting what I was reading into action.

It’s pretty wild, this whole reading and comprehension thing. I struggled with it for years, after my last TBI. I couldn’t read anything for about 5 years — it just didn’t make any sense to me. I would read online articles, that I thought made sense, but I was really just skimming through them, and I had no real comprehension. And that was a tremendous loss. Because reading was always my “thing” — it was an integral part of who I was, and when that went away, part of me went away, as well.

In the past years, I have more actively read — specifically to practice understanding what I read. I can’t take that for granted, anymore. And in fact, as I look around, I realize that an awful lot of people (who may have never had TBIs) also don’t really “get” what they’re reading — they just think they do. But anyway, back to me… I need to really exert some effort in reading with comprehension — reading and understanding what I’m seeing… and also (in the case of this technical training), doing what I am reading about. It’s not a given that it’s going to make total sense to me — I need to exert myself, I need to make an effort. It doesn’t just come easy-breezy to me anymore.

So, that’s what I’ve been doing. And it just wears me out. Seriously. I get so tired. I have to pace myself. But I also can’t let up. I need to keep going, but I also need to keep my strength up… or I just don’t enjoy what I’m reading. And if I don’t enjoy it, then it becomes that much harder to do, and the words become that much harder to remember and understand.

Now, when I get good sleep, like I did last night, everything changes. It’s no longer a struggle and a trial. Sure, I still need to keep focused and maintain my level of effort, but it’s not nearly as painful as when I am tired. And when I am rested, I remember why I am doing this — to learn and grow and take more control of my life, and get back to earning the kind of salary that I should be, so I can have the kind of life that my spouse and I should have.

Okay, that being said, it’s time to sign off now and turn my attention to that work again. I got a good 9 hours of sleep last night, and I feel human again. I’m going to use my first good hours of the day building my skills and moving towards the future. And I’m going to enjoy myself.

Rock on.