DO try this at home

I’ve discovered something pretty cool. It’s sort of kind of changed my life for the better. It’s simple and it’s similar to things I have done for myself before, but it’s more specific.

I know I’m being cryptic. It’s been a long week, and it’s only Wednesday. I’m also exhausted — couldn’t sleep past 4 a.m. today, and I’ve had a lot going on. Crazy.

Anyway, here’s the magical new discovery — using rollers to stretch my back and massage my spine and work my usually tight back and leg muscles into some sort of flexibility.

I got the idea from the MELT Method (Google it, if you want to know more – I’m too tired to explain) only I use a rolled-up yoga mat as well as one of those plastic water noodles. I lie down with the roller along my spine and I balance on it and rock back and forth a little bit to hit all the pressure points along my spine, then I turn it sideways and lie across it perpendicular, and position it in different ways so I can crack my back in different places.

Holy moly, can I feel a difference. It’s like the lights have come on. Pretty amazing.

The only problem is, now I’m all jazzed up and energized, so I push myself even harder, and I end up probably in worse shape than if I were just this cramped, curled-up ball of tension.

Yah, well, whatever. I feel good mentally and spiritually, and even my pain is the good kind — the kind that comes from working things out and loosening up and letting your body get used to it.

With any luck, I can call it an early night and hit the hay soon.

One can hope…

 

Calling it a day

It’s been a full day, with its share of unexpected “wrinkles”.

It’s been a good day – beautiful weather, and some increasing clarity on the direction I am taking with my life.

It’s been a long day, even though it “only” started at 6 a.m., and it’s not even 12 hours later.

One of the really good things about it, is how good I am feeling right now – how good I have been feeling all day. The mud is clearing from my perspectives, and I have more resolve than ever.

Also, all my stretching and 90-second breaks are really helping a great day. In fact, they are helping so much that I can actually tell that I am tired.

Way tired.

Bone tired.

Dog tired.

In the past, I would always push through – have some coffee, eat a candy bar, get bent out of shape over something – until I was too wired to feel anything.

Today, I am relaxed enough to know that I need to lie down for a nap for about an hour, before I’m going to be good for anything.

I didn’t get everything done today that I was intending to, but I can spend some time later working on things. The nice part about having a definite timeframe to move on, and a definite idea of where I’m going, is that I suddenly have a ton of energy for figuring things out and finishing up projects that have been in the wings for a long, long time, that I haven’t been able to get done.

So, with this final 2-month push, I’ll kick it and make some tracks. Make some progress. And really shape my future the way I am hoping to.

With plenty of breaks in between. To breathe. To settle. To balance. To regain my composure and head back into the fray.

On-ward.

The magical learning loop

Look – learn – act – look – and learn again

Speaking of re-adjusting and recalibrating, I had an epiphany in the grocery store the other evening, when I was picking up supper after a long day of yard work. I was dog-tired from working, I was a bit banged-up from moving and lifting and hauling, but I felt great. As I was walking through the store, I was getting sort of confused, not being sure where I was or where I was going. No biggie. It happens. I get disoriented for a few seconds — usually because I’m overwhelmed with the bright lights and the activity around me and fatigue — so I stop what I’m doing, I take a few breaths, I look at my list, and I continue on. This happened several times, and after the 2nd or 3rd time, I realized that it really wasn’t bothering me. I was so friggin’ tired (I worked my ass off on Saturday and never got the nap I needed), and I was out of it and spaced out and disoriented and feeling like a zonked out zombie. But it didn’t bother me. I just dealt with it.

This is a huge change from how things used to be — I used to get so worked up and bent out of shape about this kind of stuff. I would get anxious and nervous, my heart would start to pound, my head would start to race, and I’d have all these crazy thoughts running wild in my brain. It would practically incapacitate me, and it just freaked me out. And in the process, things would get even worse than they already were. And I’d be even more disoriented, confused, and forgetful.

But yesterday it didn’t. It just sort of was what it was… I knew I was tired — and for a very good reason. I knew that when I get tired I get forgetful and spaced out. I also noticed that there were a lot of people around me who were in really crappy shape — the father who couldn’t keep his kids in line without yelling at them… the guy who was all over the produce section with his cart… the ladies who were so engrossed in the displays that they blocked the aisle with their carts and wouldn’t let anyone pass… everybody was sort of at their wits’ end — probably for the same reason I was — we’d all been working our asses off for the past two days, maybe longer.

At the same time, the folks who worked in the store were very cool. They greeted me like they knew me, even though I didn’t recognize them. Maybe I should have recognized them – I don’t know. All I know is that they were very pleasant and personable, and it’s always nice to have someone greet you and treat you like a decent human being.

I also noticed that I was really relaxed. I mean, really relaxed. I was tired, yes. I was out of my head, yes. But I was relaxed and chilled out and putting out a vibe of real confidence and calm. I was dropping stuff left and right, bumping into things, forgetting things, not knowing where I was or what I was doing, here and there. But it wasn’t bothering me. I just kept going. I just kept on keeping on.

And it worked.

Not only did I pick up all the supper items on my list, but I also remembered a bunch of other things we needed, and I came home with two full bags of groceries that we needed for the coming week. Score.

And then I went out and seeded my lawn — at least, that’s what I thought I was doing… until I realized that I’d bought fertilizer earlier that day, not seed. And I was going to miss the opportunity to seed my messed up lawn before the rain comes later this week. That really threw me for a loop – I had it carefully planned, how I’d rake up all the dead grass, then seed, and water, and then I would be done for a few days.

Except that I didn’t buy grass seed.

After getting a little tweaked over it, I let that go and just decided to fertilize my lawn instead. God knows, it needs it. So, I got out my spreader, gave my lawn a nice dose of fertilizer, and watered afterwards. It wasn’t a total waste, and in fact, it’s probably an even better idea than seeding right off the bat. I just picked up seed the next day, when I was less tired and could read and comprehend the labels on the bags — which was giving me a LOT of trouble at the hardware store the day I bought the fertilizer — I could hardly comprehend anything I was reading, and the words weren’t making any sense to me. But I got in and out without too much drama.

Anyway, this is something new for me — not only taking steps to avoid issues, but learning how to gracefully handle the times when issues are in my face and unavoidable. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been pretty focused on keeping bad things from happening. A huge amount of anxiety has followed me everywhere in life because of that. But now I’m getting the hang of not having the screw-ups really screw me up — just learning my lesson, dealing with what comes up, and getting on with the next thing.

Just keeping moving. Learning. Living. Using what I learn in that “learning loop” and taking things to the next step without missing a beat. Paying attention to the feedback that comes from the world around me and finding the pieces that will help me get to the next level — or just to the next step.

And trusting that I will be able to apply what I’ve learned in a way that makes things better the next time.

Rolling with the changes

Roll with it

So, the new managers from HQ have returned to their homes, and we have one last day with the old boss — who is definitely not the same as the new uber-boss. In spite of the uncertainty and the stress of dramatic change, I am very glad that this change is happening at work. I feel like I can breathe again. Literally.

I hadn’t realized just how strongly I had been affected by the behavior and demeanor of the old uber-boss. They were just so manic. Always pushing and pushing and pushing and instigating and maneuvering and working an angle and promoting their agenda, which has seldom been the same as the company’s agenda. It’s been very stressful to walk that fine line between what the uber-boss tells you you’re supposed to do, and what the company (and their boss) expects of you. Frankly, it’s really screwed up the past two years of my performance – I haven’t been able to serve two masters effectively, but that’s exactly what I’ve had to do.

I think those days are behind me, and I’m feeling pretty positive about this change.

One more day with the uber-boss in the house. One more day…

They’re not a bad person, just problematic. And badly behaved. Hurt and insecure and passive-aggressive. They are also in a marriage that doesn’t work for them, which I’m sure contributes to their level of stress and their bad behavior.

Anyway, that is nearly behind me now, and it’s time to move on to what’s next. What’s happening now. I have a lot to catch up on, and now that there isn’t constant interference and people constantly trying to steer me in the wrong direction, I can relax.

And stretch. Last night when I got home from work, I was so wiped out. But then I stretched a bit, and it felt like some life was coming back to me. I have been so tense, and I didn’t even realize it. Or maybe I did realize it but I figured that’s just how things were, so there was nothing I could do aside from accept it. So I just went with it and tried to do what damage control I could.

Now I feel like I am out of damage control mode, and I’m loosening up again. Stretching my tight and tense muscles, cracking my joints, feeling my whole body loosening up. I don’t feel like I have to be in a protective state anymore, always braced for what new foolishness is coming down the pike, and it’s pretty great. All these changes, I can take, because it’s not personal anymore. It’s not individual. We’re all in the same boat, trying to keep afloat and move in the right direction, which is a very different scene than it was before.

So, change… I do need to take care of myself, and make sure I get some good sleep this weekend. I am listing all the things I need to do this weekend, making my schedule now, so I don’t have to think about it for the next two days. Just do it. I’ve got to replace some insulation in my basement, and clean up a bunch of crap, so I can move things around and have a decent living space. I also need to get some extra sleep — a nap on both afternoons, if at all possible — and get some exercise, too. I am feeling a lot of energy coming back to me, and I need to pace myself, so I don’t wear myself out. It’s all very exciting and dynamic; I just need to make sure I don’t over-extend myself in all the excitement.

Fortunately, that seems to be the direction that our new management is going – they don’t want to move too fast and make changes too quickly. And that’s good. It will give us time to adjust and adapt and figure things out as we go along. I’m sure there will be conflicts and confusion along the way, but in the end, I do believe it will all work out okay.

When things don’t go as planned

Sometimes there’s high seas ahead – oil painting by Joyce Ortner – click to see her gallery

I had my doctor’s appointment the other morning, and it went pretty well. I got some antibiotics for the infection that has been bothering my ears and making it hard for me to keep my balance, and I gave my doctor the holiday card my spouse told me I needed to give to them. It was a good call – and I picked out a good card, because it really touched my doctor a lot. They didn’t want to let on, but I could see it meant something. I mean, if you think about it, doctors spend their lives trying to help others. They have their limitations, like all of us, but in the end, their whole reason for doing what they do is to help people.

I have been taking my meds for the past few days, but I’m still having balance issues. I’m going to keep on doing it, and hope for the best. I really don’t want to go back, though. It’s just more opportunity to get put on more meds — which my doctor tried to do, when I told them about the balance issues. They tried to put me on meclozine / antivert, thinking that would fix what was wrong with me, but I told them no, because that stuff just makes me feel rotten and weird and dense, and it doesn’t do a thing for my vertigo. It’s supposed to fix the nausea thing and supposedly make me feel less dizzy, but it’s an antihistamine and the side effects whack me out.

Drowsiness and tiredness and that weird spacey feeling that antihistamines give me, is just not worth it. So, I told them not to prescribe it. Even if they had, I wouldn’t take that stuff. Like I need more crap in my system…Anyway, I can always take Dramamine if it comes to that. I’ve taken it for seasickness and it seemed to help me. At the same time, it still make me feel weird and “off” and the fishing trip I was on was a lot less fun because of it.

Anyway, I had been planning on “having the talk” with my doctor about not being a risk-taker, just having a hard time sorting through the myriad little “issues” I have on a daily basis. For any doctor who is reading this, please take note: TBI can introduce a whole host of physical issues, from noise sensitivity to light sensitivity to touch sensitivity to pain to ringing in the ears… a whole host of physical issues that can cloud the overall picture of one’s health. And that’s not even the mental health issues, like depression and anxiety, which can make everything seem 1000x worse than it really is… or it can make everything seem like it’s nothing at all. This obviously has implications for patients with TBI being able to accurately self-assess their level of well-being. And it’s helpful to address that aspect of our experience.

The only problem is — and I realized this when I was driving to my dr. appointment and was thinking about the best way to broach the subject. I thought about how I would approach it, how I would introduce the topic of my not being a risk-taker, but just a person who struggles with sorting through all the stimuli of each day… and I considered (based on past experience) what my doctor’s response would be.

I’m glad I did think it through, too, because it gradually dawned on me that if I talked about my issues the way I was, my doctor would try to prescribe me something. Or prescribe tests. Or try to DO something, instead of just understanding and thinking things through and letting that inform their approach with me. They tend to jump right into action! as though that will solve anything right off the bat. Sometimes it does. But in some cases, you don’t need a procedure, you need comprehension and understanding and a slightly different way of approaching things.

Knowing what I know about my doctor, after seeing them for a number of years, I really think that if I’d “had the talk” about my issues, I might have ended up fending off a slew of prescriptions and tests — they’ve already tried to get me CT-scanned and/or X-rayed over sinus issues. I mean, I’m sure they mean well, but I am not exposing myself to a bunch of radiation over a sinus infection. Seriously… It’s just not going to happen. Not unless I am in serious danger.

Likewise, I’m not going to raise a red flag that my doctor is going to treat like an invitation to charge. They’ve got a bit of a fight-flight predisposition, and the last thing I want is to have to try to explain and fend off their headlong charges and attacks against what might be vexing me, when all I really want is for them to temper their responses with a little more knowledge. I can easily see them ordering a bunch of tests and prescribing a bunch of meds, in the interest of helping me… and all the while, I just get sucked into the medical system with more crap on my chart to fuel the standard-issue medical responses that pathologize and (over)medicate my condition… when all I really need is some understanding and consideration. All I really need is for people to slow down… but knowing my doctor, that’s not going to happen anytime soon. At least not with them.

So, I didn’t have “the talk” with my doctor, and I’m a little disappointed in myself. At the same time, though, I’m glad I thought it through carefully ahead of time. In a way, I feel like I may have dodged a bullet from a weapon that I had trained at myself. I unloaded the weapon and put it down, and now I’m feeling a bit better. What I really need to do is speak up, in the course of conversations, when I feel that things are going too fast or my doctor says something that doesn’t sit right with me. Sometimes I can speak up and defend myself quickly, other times I can’t. I’m working on that. The times when I don’t speak up, I feel terrible afterwards, so that’s more impetus for me to practice speaking up.

That was something I did do on Friday — I spoke up about the meds and the tests and the assumptions my doc was making. They seemed a little peeved that I was questioning their judgment, but you know what? It’s my body, it’s my life, and I need to do what I need to do. Provided, of course, I’m not putting myself in danger.

Anyway, that’s one example of things not working out as planned, and it being okay.

Another example is last night, when I decided to go to bed early, then I got caught up in going on Facebook “one last time”. I swear, that thing is a massive time-sink, and I have to be careful. By the time I got to bed, it was over an hour later, which just sucks. Oh, well. I’ll just have to nap today. I had planned on doing some last-minute Christmas shopping, but the other thing that’s happening is that we have company from the party last night. Rather than driving home, we had someone stay over, which is fine. But now I need to be social and hang out, instead of running out to the mall. That’s annoying to me. But come to think of it, I actually knew that we might have company staying over, so I’m not sure why I was thinking that I was going to run out, first thing this morning, and take care of that. More annoyance — this time with myself.

Oh well — tomorrow is another day, and I can probably get all my shopping done early in the morning before the crowds hit the mall. I pretty much know what I want, and there’s not much of it, so it will keep things simple. Plus, having less time to spend on it really focuses me. Even if that doesn’t happen, and I get stuck in the crowds, and the lines are long, and I get trapped in the holiday crush, I can always check Facebook while I’m standing on line.

So, yeah – plans. I have them. We all have them. And when they don’t go the way we expect them to, then it’s up to us to decide how we’re going to handle them. I can get worked up and bent out of shape. Or I can roll with it and come up with another course of action. I can get annoyed at this, that, and the other thing, or I can just let it all go and see what happens. When I’m tired (like I am today), I am less able to just let it all go. When I am stressed (like I am over my job, even though I am off on vacation for a week and a half – the residual stress is ridiculous), it’s harder for me to just BE.

I’ve noticed an increasing level of intensity with me – I’m starting to lose my temper again (though inside my head, not out in the world around me so much). I’m starting to react really strongly to little things… like I used to, before I started exercising regularly and doing my breathing exercises. I’m noticing a change, and I’m not liking it much — especially the parts where I’m not rolling with changes as well as I would like to. Things are starting to sneak up on me again.

So, it’s back to using the tools I was working with  before. Despite my good progress, I had gotten away from the exercise and the breathing for a while, in part because I just got so uptight over doing it each and every day like clockwork, and also because I just needed to let it all sink in for a while. I was working really hard on my technique and also my regular practice, and it got to be just another chore that didn’t have much sense to it.  I just hit an impasse with it — maybe I had too many ideas and my head was spinning, maybe I had too much experience that I needed to just get used to… in any case, I needed a break.

So, I took a break. And I must admit it was a pretty big relief to not “have” to do the sitting and breathing every morning. All of a sudden, I had extra time, and ironically, I felt like I could breathe. I was still doing intermittent breathing throughout the day, when I felt my stress level increasing, but I didn’t have a daily practice.

Still, I do feel like I need to get back to a bit of that again. I’ve had my break. Now I need to try it again to see how it helps me… pick up where I need to — maybe where I left off, or maybe somewhere else… Just do what I need to do to get myself back on track and take the edge off this intensity, which has been building and is starting to drag me down.

Things change. Plans change. What we think we can do is often very different from what we can do, which is also different from what we DO do. Life has a way of changing directions on us when we least expect it, and the only constant is change. So, I need to work on my flexibility and chill-ness, so I don’t end up ship-wrecked over every little thing. Yeah… I need to work on that. And so I shall.

Now, to go for my morning walk in the woods.

And so, I slept

I’ve been noticing a lot, over the past months, how tired I am. I’ve tried to get myself to sleep more, but I can never seem to put things aside, to get myself “down”. There is always something more interesting or more important to keep me up. And there is this voice in the back of my mind that tells me, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead. Right now, there is too much interesting stuff happening.”

But yesterday I just gave it all up. I wrote a bit in the morning, wasted a bit of time on Facebook, thought about my life a bit, and then ran some errands. I made myself some lunch, and then decided to lie down for a nap. I was intending to get up after a few hours and get a few more things done, but I decided to not set the alarm and let myself sleep, if I needed to. There’s nothing worse for me, than being forced to waked up when I am still tired, and I had the free time today, so I decided to just let it go and not set an alarm… see where it would take me.

Well, it took me to a 5-1/2 hour nap. I laid down about 3 p.m., and I woke up around 7:30. I was going to get up, but I just shut my eyes, and I slept till about 8:30 or so… laid in bed a while longer, and finally got up at 9:00. My spouse was downstairs watching a movie, and they had put some food in the crock pot, so by the time I got downstairs, it was ready to cook up quickly. I whipped up a nice supper in short order, and we had a nice hot meal while we watched another movie.

After a couple of hours, I was still really tired, so I laid down on the couch so I could stay and watch t.v., but still be able to sleep if I needed to. And I needed to. I probably fell asleep about 11:30… and I slept through to 1:30 or 2:00, when my spouse was heading to bed. I don’t remember clearly, because I was wiped out. I was a bit cranky when I woke up, I must admit, and I started to complain about things being out of order in the living room. I was really bothered about the lack of organization, and how my spouse could just leave the room without bothering to pick up after themself, and just leave it a mess — for me to pick up after them.

This has been an ongoing thing, and they had resolved to make some changes about a week ago. It lasted for about a week, then they had some changes happen with some relationships they had, and now they’re back to the late-night t.v. watching and snacking and leaving crap around the house for me to clean up. It puts me in a really tough situation, because their health has not been good, but I don’t feel like being used over things they can easily do themself, but they just don’t feel like doing. I think it might actually be depression that has them down. I want to be supportive. I want to be helpful. I want to really help them. I really need to find a way… at the same time, though, they need to be able to help themself, and I don’t know how to motivate them.

The one thing that does seem to motivate them, is being surrounded by like-minded individuals who are “on the same path” as them, and can give them a constant supply of positive reinforcement and support. I know I tend to be very self-absorbed, which I’ve noticed has gotten a lot worse since my TBI in 2004. I have always been a bit self-centered, but I’m starting to realize just how self-consumed I can be at times, to where the rest of the world just doesn’t exist at all. All that matters is what’s going on with me.

I know it’s been hard for them, and the things I’ve had to do to keep myself going — like having a regular schedule and doing this in a certain way — have felt like “prison” to them. Like there is no flexibility or freedom. Yeah, I know it’s been hard.

It’s also been hard for me, because there hasn’t been a lot of support for me making the kinds of changes I need to make, in order to keep functional. They just can’t see all the confusion and frustration that builds up in me, and they can’t see how much I struggle at times with some pretty simple stuff. All in all, it’s been pretty rough, trying to adjust to the changes I’ve been through.

Depressing? Yeah.

So, yesterday I just slept. I woke up feeling out of sorts, because it was later than I wanted it to be. But I clearly needed to rest. I have been a little concerned about my functioning, over the past months. My NP doesn’t seem to see a problem with it all – because I’m in “normal” range. They seem to have lost that perspective of me being considerably less functional than I once was, or than I could be, and they don’t seem to see this as a loss for me — I should be grateful that I am where I am, and my expectations are unnaturally high for myself — or anyone, really.

It’s like they think my high expectations are a sign of impairment or some-such.

But I really differ. And it disappoints me, because I thought I had found someone who was genuinely interested in helping me get to a higher place, not content myself with what I’ve got. It’s important for me to be at peace with where I am, but I also want so much more for my life. How I get there, is the challenge.

So, now I’ve gotten about 13 hours of sleep in less than 24 hours, so I should feel good, right? One would think, but I feel foggy and out of it and irritable. I guess I really need to get out for a walk. I think I’ll do that — off to the woods I go. That usually settles what’s unsettled with me.

Onward.

 

 

Thick and dense and really tired

So it’s time to go to bed. Before midnight, no less.

It’s a start…

Back from the edge-yness

Rigidity… taking over my mind and life?

I realized something weird, recently – how rigid and inflexible I got after my last TBI. It’s bizarre, really, when I think about it. It’s just not “me”. It’s not the way I want to be or the person I recognize as myself. And it’s probably one of the biggest changes in my personality that I’ve experienced. It’s been pretty rough for my family and co-workers — and it’s been a challenge for me, because it’s the kind of thing that seems like a good idea at the time, but is really anything but.

I used to be pretty bold and daring and willing to push the envelope. I used to be cool and cool-headed in a crisis — any crisis. It didn’t matter what got thrown at me — I was up for it. No matter what. I would just be there. I would just do it. I would just — you know, BE. And DO.

When I fell in 2004, that pretty much shattered. And all the coolness went out the window – poof! The weird thing was, I didn’t care. I didn’t care that I was a mess, that I was a simpering, weepy, foggy, hostile asshole, who couldn’t seem to figure sh*t out. I just went along like I was fine, and everything was falling apart around me. The worst thing was, I got incredibly rigid — brittle, inflexible, stuck. Things had to be done a certain way, or I would snap. I would just freak out. If I dropped something, I would blow up. If something got messed up, I would fly off the handle. If things didn’t turn out exactly like I wanted them to, I would lose it.

It’s been a real problem with me and my family, co-workers, just about everybody who’s had to deal with me. And I’ve felt like a real reject, as a result. Because part of me knew that how I was acting was really wrong, yet I couldn’t figure out the cause of it or how to address it. Dealing with it has been a two-fold process:

1. Dealing with the loss of the old ways I used to be, and how easy it used to be for me to chill and not get all uptight over every little thing. And forgiving myself for being so rigid and difficult to live with.
2. Learning new ways that I can get some flexibility back — mostly physiological ones: exercise and breathing — along with things like self-talk and taking time-outs when things are getting heavy. And staying open to the new things I’m learning – the new ways I’m learning to live.

Now I’ve got more information. And I have developed more coping skills. I’ve got new tools I can use. And I use them. And that’s good. Things have chilled tremendously, since I have been deliberately practicing being more flexible, and since I learned how to relax. It’s been like night and day. Just doing regular breathing exercises (lately, more in-the-moment than first thing each and every morning) has helped. Ironically, getting off that obligatory daily regimen of focused breathing has helped me. Because that rigid discipline… maybe it works for monks in a monastery, but it was making me even more tense.

Funny how that goes – the very thing that used to help me, started to get in my way. And when I changed it, it helped me even more.

Crashed on the couch

Long day, yesterday, but a good day. I made good progress on my deadline work for this coming week. And when all was said and done, I just lay myself down on the couch and went to sleep. And slept through the night. On the couch.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good — tired and not the best rested, but good. It’s been a while since I last let myself just do something unexpected and spontaneous like that. It might not seem like much, but I’ve been so intent on keeping my my schedule and maintaining my everyday routine, that I’ve done without this sort of thing.

And I’ve missed it.

Something is really loosening up with me — the rigid thinking is softening and my strict adherence to routine is giving way to occasional improvisation.

The first step was learning to relax, over the past couple of years.

The next step was learning to function when things weren’t ideal — when I was tired, when I was confused, when I was struggling to just keep my balance and keep from knocking things over.

The most recent step has been to pay attention to how tired I am, and move to the couch or go up to bed, when I’m having trouble keeping my eyes open. Sometimes I just don’t want to go to bed, and the couch is a viable option.

And it feels good.

Learning to get myself feeling good — through breath or through stretching or through eating right — has been the most important step of all. Finding a way to get myself feeling good and settled and calm, in the midst of it all. Breath has a lot to do with it. Breathing and just relaxing. On purpose.

It’s good.

Barefoot & Balanced

Full-contact living

It’s getting warm enough, now, that I can start going barefoot regularly. What a relief. There’s something about shoes that really gets to me. Being separated from my world by a layer of rubber or leather leaves me feeling disoriented. Where shoes are supposedly “protective” gear, in some ways, they do me more harm than good. Researchers have been looking into the adverse effects of wearing shoes when you run – apparently, barefoot is better.

I would agree – tho’ in my case, I’m not referring to running. Just living my life.

Sometimes, I need as much sensory contact with the world around me as I can get. I need to feel the world around me, sense it, be in direct contact with it. Going barefoot wakes me up, actually. It gets me in direct contact with the floor beneath me, and it actually helps me move better as I go about my business.

I’m not the only person who feels that way, either. Over at Naturally Engineered, I found a discussion about proprioception, “the ability to sense the position, location, orientation and movement of the body and its parts.” It’s good stuff.

[F]rom a simplistic perspective, the fact that our feet are the primary interface we have with terra firma is highly relevant. About 99% of every thing we do involves some sort of arrangement of our feet with the ground. If you were asked which of your senses you don’t think you could live without, most people would probably say “sight” or “hearing”, but the ability to touch and receive tactile sensation is given far too little worth (in my opinion). Certainly not by the human body though, considering there are approximately 200,000 sensory receptors in the sole of each foot. That’s right, each foot. This makes your feet some of the most nerve-rich areas of your body

So, it makes sense that it would mean whole lot to me, when I’m able to go barefoot. And it also makes sense that I’ve been seriously thinking about getting some of those five-toe shoes that fit like gloves over your feet. I saw shoes like that a few years ago, and they seemed interesting. Now they seem more than interesting. They are starting to seem essential.

But they’re also expensive. I’ll need to save up for them. And make sure I get the right size. For the time being, I’m just going to go barefoot in the house and wear sandals outside. Sandals with straps to keep them on my feet. I have a way of losing flip-flops, and I don’t want to have to think about my shoes, when I’m moving around.

Speaking of moving around, I’ve been thinking of taking the day off my physical regimen, to let my body relax and catch up. I’ve been pushing it pretty hard, for the past couple of weeks, doing different workouts and pushing the envelope on my strength and endurance.  But then I look around me at the people who are at the top of their game and the top of their field, and I see them working harder, longer, training more intently, than just about anyone else, and I have to rethink this.

I think the real point is to keep balanced — to train and work and apply myself in different, more varied ways. Not to overdo it in one area only — that’s a great way to sustain a stress injury — but to change things up, so that different parts of me have the chance to rest on off days, AND I have a more varied, balanced fitness to my life — mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually.

With me, it’s not a matter of just stopping everything altogether, but stopping different things at different times, and developing an overall conditioning that lets me live my life fully, no matter what.

Strength one day, stretching the next, simple movement the next… in no particular order, just where I feel I need some help for that day. Or I need to improve.

Or I need a break. Breaks are important. I just need to make sure I don’t get caught in the “break vortex” where I go without doing much of anything for an indefinite period of time. This is an incredibly hard thing – I do tend to get stuck, and it’s hard for me to get out of that rut.

Like now. I slept in till about 8 this morning, and I’ve been taking it easy, writing and watching people train like crazy to become stronger, faster, more capable, than they were before. It’s pretty inspiring. And it’s also daunting. But it shows regular people in training to do amazing things.

This, to me, has become the theme of my life — practice and training. Focusing on the thing I want to achieve, and not letting my inexperience or shortcomings get in the way. Training to overcome those shortcomings. Practicing to overcome my inexperience. And living my life in a way that provides strength and balance and skill over time.

It does take time, though. I just need to be aware of that and keep that in mind. This stuff doesn’t come overnight, and you’ve got to stay steady with it. So, staying steady, while keeping it fresh and relevant and meaningful, is the order of the day.

Speaking of the day, I have a handful of things I need to get done. For real. Off I go.

Onward.