Bringing light

Light is where you find it – find more art like this at http://www.atagar.com/bobsGallery/

I’ve been thinking a lot about this holiday season – and all the ways that it’s associated with light. Most of the “big” traditions I know about feature light of some kind, and no wonder — this time of year is when the days become longer, and we literally can celebrate the return of the light. It’s a physiological thing, as well as a psychological and spiritual thing. And it’s well worth celebrating.

I celebrated yesterday by walking deeper in the woods than I have in a long time. Once upon a time, when I first moved to this place, I was out in the woods for most of my waking hours every weekend, rain or shine, good weather or bad. I guess I’ve always been drawn to the forest — it was the one place I felt at home when I was a kid, and there’s something really calming about being in the woods. When I was younger, I wanted to be a forest ranger, until my guidance counselor talked me out of it because it wasn’t “practical”.

Hm.

Anyway, now I get to be my own forest ranger, and I don’t have to worry about government funding cutting me off from my livelihood, so it’s not all bad, the way it turned out. And yesterday I got a good reminder of the things that matter most to me in my life — clean air, fresh water, room to roam, and friendly, like-minded people also sharing the paths.

And I couldn’t help but think about how — for years after my concussion/TBI in 2004 — I couldn’t go into the woods. I just couldn’t. There was too much stimuli there for me. It was either too bright or too dark, or it was too quiet or it was too loud. I got tired so quickly, and when I did, I got confused and anxious. And the idea of interacting with anyone I came across on the paths, was out of the question. I panicked anytime I had to interact with someone who was out for a nice quiet hike like myself. I also got turned around and lost very easily, and since I have never had the best sense of direction to begin with, I would spend hours just trying to find my way back to where I wanted to go. I told myself I was “exploring” but the fact was, I was getting lost and had to keep walking to find my way back.

And half the time, I couldn’t remember where I’d come from. Even reading maps was impossible for me. Especially reading maps.

So, I quit going into the woods. I gave up my forest. And things were very dark and dreary for a number of years. The crazy part was, I told myself it was by choice, not something I was stuck doing, because I was so trapped in anxiety and sensory overwhelm.

What changed it? I think just living my life. Working with my neuropsychologist to just talk through my daily experience. Also, doing my breathing exercises — and exercising, period. And practicing, practicing, practicing some more at the things I wanted to do, until I could do them pretty close to how I wanted to. And learning to not be so hard on myself for being different now than I was before.

I also really paid attention to the times when I saw signs of more functionality — like when I started going on hikes again, after years away from them. Like when I was able to read an entire book, after years of only being able to read short papers — and not understand much of them at all. Like when I gave things my best shot, and found them turning out pretty darned close to how I intended — sometimes even better.

Taking the edge off my anxiety, giving myself a break, focusing on things that were bigger and more significant than my own petty concerns… those helped. Those brought light to my life.

And it continues to get better.

When I think back on how I was, just five years ago, it amazes me. I was so trapped in a dark place, confused and not knowing what was wrong with me. I didn’t understand what was holding me back, I didn’t understand what was stopping me from just living my life. I didn’t understand how confused I was or what I was confused about. I couldn’t discern the different issues I had, because it was all just a dark blob of problems that pulsed like a nebula of hurt and pain and confusion. When I think about how things are now — with so much light and so much more possibility… it amazes me.

There are answers out there, if we look… if we know to ask. There are solutions out there, if we take the time to be clear about what the issues truly are. There is hope out there, when we are willing to take a chance, have some courage, and move on — move on.

As the days lengthen and we roll towards the spring (I know, winter is just now beginning, officially)… as we take this holiday season to step away from the everyday grind and do something different with ourselves… as we try to imagine what else is out there for us… let’s all remember that as dark as it gets sometimes, the night does pass. There is always dawn and a new day, just around the corner.

Yes, let there be light.

Bonus – More exercise, more energy, more time

View from the top – my load was lighter

Yesterday was a good day. Went out to the beach and spent a lot of time running in the sand. I was a little concerned that I might overdo it, as I have in the past. But I didn’t run myself into the ground – just enjoyed myself and had a great time running to/from waves. By the end of the day, I was bushed, so my spouse drove home while I rested. I didn’t get much sleep last night, but I figured I’d make it up today.

I knew I was going to have a long nap this afternoon, and I also knew that I wasn’t going to get much exercise tomorrow, so today I figured I’d push the envelope a little bit. I had a good workout this morning, then around noon I put 20 lbs of books and an (unopened) bag of birdseed in my backpack and headed out into the woods for a hike. I’ve been wanting to do that for some time — either get a weighted vest or find a way to walk/hike/exercise with some extra weight. Feeling the heft of my backpack yesterday inspired me, so I decided to go for it today — add 20 pounds and march up to the top of a nearby hill, and back down again. I figured it wouldn’t be so much that it would bog me down, but it would be enough that I’d feel it after a little while… and when I finally got the pack off at the end, I’d have more of a spring in my step.

I was right. It was a good thing to do. The added weight not only kept the hike challenging, but it also forced me to pay closer attention to my feet and my posture, so I wouldn’t pull something. I thought it might weigh me down too much, but I honestly didn’t feel too terrible throughout the hike. It definitely got heavy towards the end, but it wasn’t and impossible load. I’ve backpacked before, years ago, and it felt familiar. 20 pounds wasn’t too much, but it was definitely noticeable by the end of the hike.

And when I got back and took off the pack, sure enough, I did feel a lot lighter on my feet. Good stuff.

So, after my hike, I took care of some chores, took a hot shower, and lay down for my nap. I did some of my body scanning before going to sleep… where I relax and “check in” with my body to see how it’s feeling, and I fell to sleep pretty promptly. I slept a little over an hour, and I woke up feeling really good. Still a little tired, but clear. Very clear.

I had a lot of good energy, too. Really good energy. A relaxed state that feels both mellow and alert. And all the stuff that’s ahead of me this week, starting at 6 a.m. tomorrow morning, feels a lot less burdensome than it did just 24 hours ago. It actually feels manageable. I feel manageable. Which is pretty amazing, considering the funk that I’ve been in, for the past month or so.

So yeah, exercise. Serious exercise. None of this namby-pamby stuff where I take it easy and coast through. In order to get something out of it, I really have to put a lot into it. Or it makes no difference at all. I started really pushing myself a few days back, and I feel 100% better already. I’m going to keep it up, too — including giving myself plenty of time to rest and recover afterwards, as well as eating more protein and less empty carbs to keep up my strength. It’s just too good to let go.

The wild thing about a lot of this is that the more I pushed myself and the more I wore myself out, the more of “me” I actually had to work with. I feel like “more of me” is back in action, and as a result, I’ve got more energy — and I feel like I have more time. I am less stressed out about little things, and I am better at planning things out — like looking at my calendar and realizing that I’m probably not going to get much exercise tomorrow, so I’d better do something extra today.

I’m also less stressed about the idea of resting and recovering. I get so locked into the idea of going-going-going, that the idea of stopping freaks me out. Not today, though. I put in my extra work, and I’m looking ahead to tomorrow. And beyond.

Funny how that works — you put more in, and you get more out. But maybe that’s how it always works.

Time to get strong. And be smart. And enjoy life — really enjoy it. I haven’t been doing much of that lately. Time to change that around.

Building up my stamina

I had a heck of a weekend. Lots of activity, and not nearly as much rest as I needed. And this morning, I’m really feeling it. I’m fuzzy and slow and not nearly as sharp as I need to be on Monday morning. I’m fumbling and bumbling and it’s taking me a while to get my act together.

But, I had a great weekend doing things I haven’t done properly in what feels like forever, which is huge progress for me. I also figure I’m in roughly the same shape as someone who partied all weekend… but I’m not hungover, I didn’t kill brain cells (I probably added some, actually) and I was doing things that were really, really good for me, so I can cut myself some slack.

Plus, I have my list of things I need to do today, and I’m clear on what I need to accomplish, and how I’m going to do it, so I’ve got structure in place to let me succeed. And I plan to succeed. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t.

The main ingredient of my planned success today?

Not taking on too much to do, focusing on what I need to get done, and doing it to the best of my ability.

My plan for how to make it all happen?

If I get stuck (and there’s a good chance I may), pause to take a deep breath, focus on my breathing for a few minutes, calm my system down, and consult my notes to see where I’m at, and what I still need to do.

I am constantly amazed at how large a factor anxiety and agitation is with me, when it comes to getting things done. I get so charged up, so revved, that I become anxious and scattered, and then I cannot follow through on what I’m doing. But when I pay attention to what’s going on with me, and I center in on what I want to go on around me, it gets me back on track and helps me start anew.

Starting anew is a hugely important activity for me. It takes me out of a frame of mind that is STUCK and gets me back in the swing of things. If I think of getting stuck as pulling into the crew pit during a stock car race, I can accept it better, than if I think about it as a sign that I’m failing. I have a pretty powerful engine, and I run high and hot a lot. So, of course I’m going to need to pull over, now and then, to change my tires and fuel up again. I just can’t stay in the crew pit.

Anyway, the weekend was awesome — very social and very active. I caught up with people I haven’t seen in many months, and I discovered a new locale to hike in. I also got to know someone better who is a friend of a friend and has a lot of shared interests and has been looking for a hiking buddy — just as I have. We both have similar styles in the wild — be smart about your choices, dress properly, don’t take chances, but still be open to exploration and don’t shy away from mud and water and the un-beaten path.

I am physically bushed from all the work I did and all the movement.  But it’s a good kind of bushed, and it frees me up to eat well to replenish my energy stores. I messed up and had a bunch of junk food yesterday, but today is a new day, and I know what I need to do, to get myself back on track.

And so I shall. Because this newfound activity of mine — this renewal of my once-active life, the return of my energy, slowly but surely, has been a long time coming. I struggled so terribly with anxiety and agitation for so many years, that I had it in my head that I was consciously choosing to stay away from people and social situations. I was so freaked out by open spaces and unpredictable circumstances, that I designed a life for myself that was indoors, controlled, and quite limited in scope. Of course, I told myself, I was studying and learning and working online, so I didn’t have time to be out and about. But truly, I was excusing myself and my limitations and imagining them to be deliberate choices in favor of something good, rather than handy excuses for not doing something better.

When I look back on so many of my projects of the past years, I see that for the most part, they were designed to alleviate stress and anxiety, and give me a way to channel all my nervous energy into a controlled activity. The goal was not to do something useful and meaningful, but to relieve stress and chill out my tweaked system. Now I see that I can do the same thing, by getting out in the world and hiking up a mountain with a trusted co-traveler. I can do the same thing by working out in the morning. I can do the same thing I once did in sedentary solitude, by doing something social that’s physical as well.

And the great thing about social physical activity is that the more I do it, the more I enjoy it, and the better at it I become. Unlike solitary sedentary life, it builds me up and strengthens my system, and it helps me go even farther, each time. Plus, it helps me sleep like nothing else. I was up twice last night, but I was able to get back to sleep almost immediately, which rarely happens when I’m sedentary.

I’m tired, yes, but I am building up my stamina. One weekend at a time, one experience at a time… It sounds so rudimentary to me, to say it. And I feel like I should already know this. But truthfully, it’s been a long time coming. And I’m just glad it’s here now.

Out and about

Good day today. I spent the afternoon hiking in the mountains with a newfound friend who has a lot in common with me.

We’re both pretty keen on getting out in nature on a regular basis, as well as doing meaningful work in life that adds purpose to our lives.

What’s more, this newfound friend had a go-round with typhoid fever in 2004. Totally lost all ability to deal with anything. Had to send the cats and dogs to a family member’s house, because they couldn’t handle the sound of them walking around. Kept the house dark and silent. Couldn’t remember things from one minute to the next. Would totally lose info in the space of 15 minutes.

Crazy.

And familiar.

It was a good hike. And I’m bushed. I may have gotten too much sun… but I don’t care. It was a good day, and I got out into it with everything I had.

And it’s good.

And what a beautiful walk it was

Back from my walk out in the woods. Getting towards sundown… birds settling in for the night, tiny creatures singing out of sight, and the breeze on my face, cooling me after my brisk hike into the woods.

I am struck by the amazing beauty of it all, the simple power of something as basic as new life emerging from the earth, once again. Green, new, hopeful life without a reason to be cynical or self-destructive.

And I am struck by the impact that conscious breathing has had with me. Spending just a few moments breathing steadily, slowly, focusing my attention on a single point — a pine cone, a fallen branch, water in a little stream flowing over glistening rocks…

In all my years of hiking these woods — although I’ve been away from them for the past 3-4 years, as my last fall made it very difficult for me to be outside and in wide open, uncontrolled spaces — I have rarely (if ever) had the kind of presence in that place I had this evening. I usually returned to my home somewhat tense and shut-down. I would start out wide open and ready for a good walk. But when I got home, I would be a far sight less relaxed than I expected/wanted to be.

For years, I knew something was amiss with me, when I would go out on my walks. I would walk for about 15-20 minutes and everything would be fine. Then I would start to shut down, would start to ruminate about this, that, or another thing. I’d get stuck in my head and wouldn’t actually see very much on my walks, even though I’d cover miles of ground in beautiful, healthy woods.

I always knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Now, I think it’s because I would get tense, being out in the woods, I would start to feel uptight about something, and I wouldn’t breathe properly. The lack of deep, measured breath would give rise to more tension and add to my agitation, and then I’d ruminate even more… A self-fulfilling cycle that I could never seem to break.

Somehow, I’d always get trapped in my head. And my walks would turn into traveling psychodramas.

But today, I took my time, made a point of stopping to breathe, periodically. And I just let it all in. Whereas before, I would start to wall myself off and shut down, today, I let myself stay open to what came across my path. No social anxiety, when I happened across a landscaper loading a backhoe onto his trailer. No drama when cars would pass me closer than I liked. No shutting off and getting stuck in my head the whole time.

Today was different.

Because I breathed. On purpose. Measured, mindful, enjoyable breaths. Good breaths. With awareness and purpose.

Today was good.