That one core piece of B.S. that holds you back

Lurking there… always lurking…

It’s been a very full day. I got a lot done. Appointment first thing this morning at 8:15, then off to the races to take care of business. Got a ton done, and had some very productive interactions, which is very encouraging. It’s exhausting, though. Not only is there a whole lot of very interactive listening, but then there’s the whole internal follow-up, when I recap with myself to make sure I understood what was said to me, and try to think of everything I might have missed. And I also need to think through everything that comes next.

Because something always comes next.

And it’s good. Exhausting, too. And it brings up all the different “issues” I have around getting things done and taking myself to the next logical step. I may know what needs to be done, but I don’t always do it. Many times, in fact, I drop the ball… and go off and do something else… leaving my dreams in the dust behind me… only to look back, years later, and wish to God I’d simply done what came next, instead of quitting in the midst of it all.

And I wonder about what it is, specifically, that stops me. I’ve had an ongoing discussion over the past few years with a friend who believes that people never realize their full potential, because they believe they are somehow “broken” and they aren’t good enough to do what they set out to do. (They do not know the name of this blog, nor do they even know that I keep it – partly because they would really disagree/disapprove if they knew I was calling my brain “broken” — it would flip them out, pro’lly, they feel that strongly about never ever calling yourself “broken”.)

They seem to believe that the same is true of me — that I believe I’m “broken”, so that’s why I don’t move forward with doing the things I set out to do. They believe that’s why I haven’t done more with my life, why I have struggled with so much over the years. They think I don’t have a good enough self-image and self-concept, and they keep trying to talk me into seeing that I am not broken, I am not unworthy, and I can do all I set out to do.

I have really pondered this idea for some time – Are they right? Do I truly believe I am broken and not worthwhile, and that’s why I can’t get ahead? Is that why everyone is held back? Because we all think there is something wrong with us, and we just aren’t worth the time of day?

I’ve “tried that idea on for size” and thought long and hard about if that’s the deal with me… if that’s the deal with everyone around me who is held back. And after some time and a lot of observation and internal inquiry, I have to say I don’t agree that that one specific belief is what holds us back.

However, I do agree that most (if not all) people do have one core belief — which is total B.S. — that limits them, even in the face of unlimited possibility. I believe that if we look at our lives, just about all of us can find one fundamentally flawed concept about ourselves that we cling to, which holds us back like nothing else. It’s the bugaboo of our lives that lurks just beneath the surface, just out of sight. It’s so close to us, we can’t even see it when it’s in plain sight. We can’t see it, because it is a fundamental falsehood that we are convinced with all our hearts is the truth. We probably latched onto this belief when we were very young, and it was the only explanation we could find for why things were the way they were, and it seemed to explain so much, so we continued to fall back on it, and it became our de-facto reason for everything that was un-right and un-just and un-helpful in the world.

It was true. Because we decided it was.

Except, it wasn’t.

My friend who believes that thinking you’re “broken” is the root of all the world’s suffering is right about some things — that we get locked into a certain mindset when we are young, and then we spend our lives trying to reinforce and justify that mindset. But they’re not right about the specifics of the mindset. I’ve checked around. Everybody has a different core set of B.S. that holds them back.

In another friend’s case, it’s the belief that if you don’t do things (actually everything) for them, and give them everything they ask for, that means you don’t love them and they are not worthy. This is a particularly vexing because their unwillingness to do for themself has cost them their health, their happiness, and many relationships. They would rather have others wait on them and do things for them, than lift a finger… and it shows in their weight and health — diabetes, high blood pressure, anxiety… and more. Because if you don’t do for them, they plunge into a downward spiral of emotional crisis accompanied by eating all sorts of crap that is incredibly bad for them in the volumes they eat it, crazy sleeping hours, and obsessing about their health issues. You can try to argue with them, try to reason with them, try to urge them to take care of themselves, but it’s no good. They are firmly in the grip of this core B.S. — if others don’t wait on them, it means they are not loved. And when they are not loved, they seek their comfort wherever else they can find it.

I’m not one to judge, really. I have my own core B.S. that holds me back just as much. My own bugaboo is the fundamental, all-pervasive belief that “I can’t“. It’s not complicated, it’s not elaborate, and it’s not at all true. It is always with me, lurking just out of sight, whispering in my ear even before my conscious thought can get a foothold in what I’m about to try. It never rests, it never disengages, it is always there, jumping in just when I’m about to undertake something important, to insist I CAN’T.

It’s had plenty of opportunity to get entrenched. The problems that I had with distractability and sensory issues that shut me down since when I was a kid all gave me ample experience with failing at one thing after another… giving up, giving in, backing down, changing my mind, going off and doing something else… and never remembering, till later, what I was supposed to be doing in the first place. I had no understanding of TBI. I had no understanding of attentional issues. I had no understanding of sensory issues. All I knew was, something invisible was holding me back at every turn, so obviously there was no point in trying to do anything, because no matter how hard I’d try to get it right, I couldn’t.

Now, I don’t know if that’s at all connected with feeling like there’s something wrong with *me*. It’s more of a logistics thing with me, I think. It’s not about judging myself as being unworthy or broken. It’s a simple observation, backed up by years of experience… I can’t. I try, but I don’t get it done. I just can’t manage. I’m not capable. I can’t hack it. I’m not up to the challenge. And so on. Of course, the judgment comes later. But that’s an effect of my sense of ineptitude, not a cause of it.

It’s ridiculous, of course. To just summarily tell yourself “You can’t,” whenever you undertake to do something… that makes no sense. But that’s what happens.

Well, at least I know that now. At least I am aware of that Core B.S. that rides around on my shoulder like a nasty little flea-bitten monkey who keeps gnawing on my ear. At least I can expect it and deal with it — maybe even head it off at the pass.

Because the alternative is to keep on in the way that I have been for years and years — just giving in to that impulse that tells me to quit before I get ahead, to not get in too deep, to not risk too much, to not follow through… and above all, not be too hard on myself for not doing what I needed to do.

Well, I am tired. Beat, actually. Gotta get some shut-eye. If I have more energy tomorrow I will write more about this, because I think it’s pretty important.

For now, though, the only important thing for me is sleep. So, good night.

Do I stay or do I go?

Just what I’ve been waiting for…

The post office is open for another 45 minutes. I have a package I have been waiting for, for about a week, which has finally arrived. Great!

Now, do I pick myself up and go get it, using about 20 minutes of time I can be blogging and reading and catching up with myself? Or do I stay here, finish what I’m doing, and just go get it in the morning?

The pros of staying here are that I can keep doing what I’m doing without interruption, while I’m still fresh from my 2-hour afternoon nap (which I desperately needed)… I can finish my thoughts… I can do some writing… and I can plan my next three days, which are mine-all-mine!

The cons of staying here are that I won’t have my package right now, accompanied by the big energy boost of having it in hand… I’ll have to remember to go pick it up in the morning, and I might actually run late… and it will be one more thing that I have to do, versus just doing whatever I like in the morning.

I’m staying put.

First of all, I covet the time I have by myself at home — my spouse is out running errands, and the house is quiet and I can hear myself think. I also have uninterrupted time, so very rare and precious to me, compared to how things are at work, which are marked by constant interruption to the point of never being able to complete anything — tasks, projects, thoughts — in a steady, measured manner. If I leave now, I am giving up my quiet, uninterrupted time for a drive to the post office, which is not far, but is through rush hour traffic.

Second of all, I have my list for the weekend, and I’m being really good about following what I’m writing down. I don’t need to fear not getting the package, because I’m going to — at a more steady pace, not rushed and frantic. I can work it into my list of things I’m going to be doing tomorrow — and on top of it, having that package pickup on my list is going to get me out of the house before noon (which I tend to have trouble with) because it’s something I want to do. It’s something I want very much. So, no fears about not doing that.

As long as I follow the list, I’m good.

Thirdly, I have fallen so far behind on my emails and my reading this week (as well as responding to everyone who writes), that I need this time to just center in and remember why I do what I do. I’ve had some pretty great mental shifts and revelations this week, and I really need to write about them. It’s exciting. It’s good news. It’s been tough learning these lessons over the past week or so, but I am doing good things with what I’m learning. And I really do believe it’s going to pay off, in small ways and large, in the short- and long-term.

It’s all a matter of perspective, I guess, and despite being dog tired and out of it for days and days, my perspective is good, and I have a focus and direction that I know I want to go in.

So, that’s good.

And it’s good that I’m staying put. It is so tempting to want to jump up, throw on some sandals, hop in the car and scoot down to the post office where my long-awaited package is, but I’m going to hold off. Because there are other things I need to be doing right here and right now, and I need the practice at keeping my focus and concentration.

God, but my job has done a number on my distractability. Then again, maybe it hasn’t. I’ll be writing more on that later.

Much more.

The magical learning loop

Look – learn – act – look – and learn again

Speaking of re-adjusting and recalibrating, I had an epiphany in the grocery store the other evening, when I was picking up supper after a long day of yard work. I was dog-tired from working, I was a bit banged-up from moving and lifting and hauling, but I felt great. As I was walking through the store, I was getting sort of confused, not being sure where I was or where I was going. No biggie. It happens. I get disoriented for a few seconds — usually because I’m overwhelmed with the bright lights and the activity around me and fatigue — so I stop what I’m doing, I take a few breaths, I look at my list, and I continue on. This happened several times, and after the 2nd or 3rd time, I realized that it really wasn’t bothering me. I was so friggin’ tired (I worked my ass off on Saturday and never got the nap I needed), and I was out of it and spaced out and disoriented and feeling like a zonked out zombie. But it didn’t bother me. I just dealt with it.

This is a huge change from how things used to be — I used to get so worked up and bent out of shape about this kind of stuff. I would get anxious and nervous, my heart would start to pound, my head would start to race, and I’d have all these crazy thoughts running wild in my brain. It would practically incapacitate me, and it just freaked me out. And in the process, things would get even worse than they already were. And I’d be even more disoriented, confused, and forgetful.

But yesterday it didn’t. It just sort of was what it was… I knew I was tired — and for a very good reason. I knew that when I get tired I get forgetful and spaced out. I also noticed that there were a lot of people around me who were in really crappy shape — the father who couldn’t keep his kids in line without yelling at them… the guy who was all over the produce section with his cart… the ladies who were so engrossed in the displays that they blocked the aisle with their carts and wouldn’t let anyone pass… everybody was sort of at their wits’ end — probably for the same reason I was — we’d all been working our asses off for the past two days, maybe longer.

At the same time, the folks who worked in the store were very cool. They greeted me like they knew me, even though I didn’t recognize them. Maybe I should have recognized them – I don’t know. All I know is that they were very pleasant and personable, and it’s always nice to have someone greet you and treat you like a decent human being.

I also noticed that I was really relaxed. I mean, really relaxed. I was tired, yes. I was out of my head, yes. But I was relaxed and chilled out and putting out a vibe of real confidence and calm. I was dropping stuff left and right, bumping into things, forgetting things, not knowing where I was or what I was doing, here and there. But it wasn’t bothering me. I just kept going. I just kept on keeping on.

And it worked.

Not only did I pick up all the supper items on my list, but I also remembered a bunch of other things we needed, and I came home with two full bags of groceries that we needed for the coming week. Score.

And then I went out and seeded my lawn — at least, that’s what I thought I was doing… until I realized that I’d bought fertilizer earlier that day, not seed. And I was going to miss the opportunity to seed my messed up lawn before the rain comes later this week. That really threw me for a loop – I had it carefully planned, how I’d rake up all the dead grass, then seed, and water, and then I would be done for a few days.

Except that I didn’t buy grass seed.

After getting a little tweaked over it, I let that go and just decided to fertilize my lawn instead. God knows, it needs it. So, I got out my spreader, gave my lawn a nice dose of fertilizer, and watered afterwards. It wasn’t a total waste, and in fact, it’s probably an even better idea than seeding right off the bat. I just picked up seed the next day, when I was less tired and could read and comprehend the labels on the bags — which was giving me a LOT of trouble at the hardware store the day I bought the fertilizer — I could hardly comprehend anything I was reading, and the words weren’t making any sense to me. But I got in and out without too much drama.

Anyway, this is something new for me — not only taking steps to avoid issues, but learning how to gracefully handle the times when issues are in my face and unavoidable. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been pretty focused on keeping bad things from happening. A huge amount of anxiety has followed me everywhere in life because of that. But now I’m getting the hang of not having the screw-ups really screw me up — just learning my lesson, dealing with what comes up, and getting on with the next thing.

Just keeping moving. Learning. Living. Using what I learn in that “learning loop” and taking things to the next step without missing a beat. Paying attention to the feedback that comes from the world around me and finding the pieces that will help me get to the next level — or just to the next step.

And trusting that I will be able to apply what I’ve learned in a way that makes things better the next time.

When things don’t go as planned

Sometimes there’s high seas ahead – oil painting by Joyce Ortner – click to see her gallery

I had my doctor’s appointment the other morning, and it went pretty well. I got some antibiotics for the infection that has been bothering my ears and making it hard for me to keep my balance, and I gave my doctor the holiday card my spouse told me I needed to give to them. It was a good call – and I picked out a good card, because it really touched my doctor a lot. They didn’t want to let on, but I could see it meant something. I mean, if you think about it, doctors spend their lives trying to help others. They have their limitations, like all of us, but in the end, their whole reason for doing what they do is to help people.

I have been taking my meds for the past few days, but I’m still having balance issues. I’m going to keep on doing it, and hope for the best. I really don’t want to go back, though. It’s just more opportunity to get put on more meds — which my doctor tried to do, when I told them about the balance issues. They tried to put me on meclozine / antivert, thinking that would fix what was wrong with me, but I told them no, because that stuff just makes me feel rotten and weird and dense, and it doesn’t do a thing for my vertigo. It’s supposed to fix the nausea thing and supposedly make me feel less dizzy, but it’s an antihistamine and the side effects whack me out.

Drowsiness and tiredness and that weird spacey feeling that antihistamines give me, is just not worth it. So, I told them not to prescribe it. Even if they had, I wouldn’t take that stuff. Like I need more crap in my system…Anyway, I can always take Dramamine if it comes to that. I’ve taken it for seasickness and it seemed to help me. At the same time, it still make me feel weird and “off” and the fishing trip I was on was a lot less fun because of it.

Anyway, I had been planning on “having the talk” with my doctor about not being a risk-taker, just having a hard time sorting through the myriad little “issues” I have on a daily basis. For any doctor who is reading this, please take note: TBI can introduce a whole host of physical issues, from noise sensitivity to light sensitivity to touch sensitivity to pain to ringing in the ears… a whole host of physical issues that can cloud the overall picture of one’s health. And that’s not even the mental health issues, like depression and anxiety, which can make everything seem 1000x worse than it really is… or it can make everything seem like it’s nothing at all. This obviously has implications for patients with TBI being able to accurately self-assess their level of well-being. And it’s helpful to address that aspect of our experience.

The only problem is — and I realized this when I was driving to my dr. appointment and was thinking about the best way to broach the subject. I thought about how I would approach it, how I would introduce the topic of my not being a risk-taker, but just a person who struggles with sorting through all the stimuli of each day… and I considered (based on past experience) what my doctor’s response would be.

I’m glad I did think it through, too, because it gradually dawned on me that if I talked about my issues the way I was, my doctor would try to prescribe me something. Or prescribe tests. Or try to DO something, instead of just understanding and thinking things through and letting that inform their approach with me. They tend to jump right into action! as though that will solve anything right off the bat. Sometimes it does. But in some cases, you don’t need a procedure, you need comprehension and understanding and a slightly different way of approaching things.

Knowing what I know about my doctor, after seeing them for a number of years, I really think that if I’d “had the talk” about my issues, I might have ended up fending off a slew of prescriptions and tests — they’ve already tried to get me CT-scanned and/or X-rayed over sinus issues. I mean, I’m sure they mean well, but I am not exposing myself to a bunch of radiation over a sinus infection. Seriously… It’s just not going to happen. Not unless I am in serious danger.

Likewise, I’m not going to raise a red flag that my doctor is going to treat like an invitation to charge. They’ve got a bit of a fight-flight predisposition, and the last thing I want is to have to try to explain and fend off their headlong charges and attacks against what might be vexing me, when all I really want is for them to temper their responses with a little more knowledge. I can easily see them ordering a bunch of tests and prescribing a bunch of meds, in the interest of helping me… and all the while, I just get sucked into the medical system with more crap on my chart to fuel the standard-issue medical responses that pathologize and (over)medicate my condition… when all I really need is some understanding and consideration. All I really need is for people to slow down… but knowing my doctor, that’s not going to happen anytime soon. At least not with them.

So, I didn’t have “the talk” with my doctor, and I’m a little disappointed in myself. At the same time, though, I’m glad I thought it through carefully ahead of time. In a way, I feel like I may have dodged a bullet from a weapon that I had trained at myself. I unloaded the weapon and put it down, and now I’m feeling a bit better. What I really need to do is speak up, in the course of conversations, when I feel that things are going too fast or my doctor says something that doesn’t sit right with me. Sometimes I can speak up and defend myself quickly, other times I can’t. I’m working on that. The times when I don’t speak up, I feel terrible afterwards, so that’s more impetus for me to practice speaking up.

That was something I did do on Friday — I spoke up about the meds and the tests and the assumptions my doc was making. They seemed a little peeved that I was questioning their judgment, but you know what? It’s my body, it’s my life, and I need to do what I need to do. Provided, of course, I’m not putting myself in danger.

Anyway, that’s one example of things not working out as planned, and it being okay.

Another example is last night, when I decided to go to bed early, then I got caught up in going on Facebook “one last time”. I swear, that thing is a massive time-sink, and I have to be careful. By the time I got to bed, it was over an hour later, which just sucks. Oh, well. I’ll just have to nap today. I had planned on doing some last-minute Christmas shopping, but the other thing that’s happening is that we have company from the party last night. Rather than driving home, we had someone stay over, which is fine. But now I need to be social and hang out, instead of running out to the mall. That’s annoying to me. But come to think of it, I actually knew that we might have company staying over, so I’m not sure why I was thinking that I was going to run out, first thing this morning, and take care of that. More annoyance — this time with myself.

Oh well — tomorrow is another day, and I can probably get all my shopping done early in the morning before the crowds hit the mall. I pretty much know what I want, and there’s not much of it, so it will keep things simple. Plus, having less time to spend on it really focuses me. Even if that doesn’t happen, and I get stuck in the crowds, and the lines are long, and I get trapped in the holiday crush, I can always check Facebook while I’m standing on line.

So, yeah – plans. I have them. We all have them. And when they don’t go the way we expect them to, then it’s up to us to decide how we’re going to handle them. I can get worked up and bent out of shape. Or I can roll with it and come up with another course of action. I can get annoyed at this, that, and the other thing, or I can just let it all go and see what happens. When I’m tired (like I am today), I am less able to just let it all go. When I am stressed (like I am over my job, even though I am off on vacation for a week and a half – the residual stress is ridiculous), it’s harder for me to just BE.

I’ve noticed an increasing level of intensity with me – I’m starting to lose my temper again (though inside my head, not out in the world around me so much). I’m starting to react really strongly to little things… like I used to, before I started exercising regularly and doing my breathing exercises. I’m noticing a change, and I’m not liking it much — especially the parts where I’m not rolling with changes as well as I would like to. Things are starting to sneak up on me again.

So, it’s back to using the tools I was working with  before. Despite my good progress, I had gotten away from the exercise and the breathing for a while, in part because I just got so uptight over doing it each and every day like clockwork, and also because I just needed to let it all sink in for a while. I was working really hard on my technique and also my regular practice, and it got to be just another chore that didn’t have much sense to it.  I just hit an impasse with it — maybe I had too many ideas and my head was spinning, maybe I had too much experience that I needed to just get used to… in any case, I needed a break.

So, I took a break. And I must admit it was a pretty big relief to not “have” to do the sitting and breathing every morning. All of a sudden, I had extra time, and ironically, I felt like I could breathe. I was still doing intermittent breathing throughout the day, when I felt my stress level increasing, but I didn’t have a daily practice.

Still, I do feel like I need to get back to a bit of that again. I’ve had my break. Now I need to try it again to see how it helps me… pick up where I need to — maybe where I left off, or maybe somewhere else… Just do what I need to do to get myself back on track and take the edge off this intensity, which has been building and is starting to drag me down.

Things change. Plans change. What we think we can do is often very different from what we can do, which is also different from what we DO do. Life has a way of changing directions on us when we least expect it, and the only constant is change. So, I need to work on my flexibility and chill-ness, so I don’t end up ship-wrecked over every little thing. Yeah… I need to work on that. And so I shall.

Now, to go for my morning walk in the woods.

What else…?

A new day is dawning – what else is possible?

Time has really gotten away from me, this morning. I was up early with my spouse – who was up late (really late) – and we got to talking, which is good. I have a doctor’s appointment in another hour and a half, and I need to get ready to go. And here I thought I had at least another hour. Funny, how the time flies when I go online.

Anyway, it’s 12/21/12 – the big day, according to a lot of folks. Some go on and on about the end of the world, but what I’ve heard from more folks is that it’s actually the beginning of the next one. A new world. A new start. Not right away – for what really changes in an instant, if it’s truly going to last? But starting now, moving gradually towards What’s Next.

Now, I am pretty much of an agnostic, when it comes to this sort of stuff. Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not. Who the heck knows? But it is a way I like to think about things. And even if there’s nothing special about this day, other than it’s the marker of when the days start to get longer (and people Up North get closer to seeing some sunlight again), and that we have attached certain numbers to it, I can certainly choose to do with it what I like.

Just like I can every single day.

If I want numbers to inspire me, I can look at the clock — I can decide at 12:12 or 12:21, each and every day, to start fresh – hit the proverbial reset button. Or I can set my alarm for 3:33 each afternoon and treat that as a “reset”. Probably not a bad idea, since my daily clock seems to wind down around 12 noon each day, and then pick up each afternoon around 3:30 or so.

Numbers… Yeah, numbers. I have always played games with them, and I find them fascinating. When I’m driving long distances and I get tired, I play games with the numbered mile markers beside the highway, and that perks me up right away. Whatever does it for you to make your day a little more interesting, a little less stressed, a little more enjoyable… well, that’s alright by me.

And whatever it takes to get our heads out of a terrible space, is fine with me — provided it’s not killing brain cells or doing harm to others (which a lot of people find enjoyable, sadly). My argument about all the Doomsday stuff is that We Just Don’t Know. We can think we know, we can suppose to know, but doomsday-sayers have been in that business for as long as humans have walked the earth. And magically, we’re still here.

The only impact they seem to have is making us feel like crap, while we’re waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.

Now, I’m not going to get into a theological debate over this — I’m just saying that for all the people who have staked their reputations on THE END being just around the corner, how many of them do you remember? Few, if any. Because when they’re proven wrong, as they so often are, they just fade from view — and go back to their work doing whatever they were doing before. And all we’re left with is a bad taste in our mouths and a little more stress to drag us down.

So, on this momentous day, when certain people are celebrating the end of the old and the beginning of the new, I look to the day myself, and I wonder what else I can do that will improve my life and the lives of those around me. Whatever the date, whatever the occasion, it’s a good thing to do in any case. I think about the ways I can turn things around that I’m not happy about… including my doctor’s impression of me as a “risk taker” that I am very uncomfortable with. I shall be having a conversation with them in another couple of hours, and I’m writing it all down ahead of time, so I don’t lose my train of thought. I can turn things around at work by really focusing on what’s in front of me, not getting distracted, and doing a better job of following up. I can improve my experience overall, by improving the skills that make me feel like the person I really am with the capabilities I really have. And I can find other like-minded individuals who are seeking to make the same kinds of positive changes — both personally and on the larger social and cultural stage.

For some reason, this time really feels like a turning point for me. I feel pretty energized by the possibilities… and the thing that makes me feel even more energized, is hearing so many people talk about new beginnings, where a week or so ago, they were talking about drudgery and sadness and misfortune and all that. People are stepping up to take more responsibility for their lives and their situations, and that’s really exciting for me. Because I’ve always known it was possible — and now with this “new era” dawning, more people are starting to agree with me.

I guess that’s the thing that excites me the most about this Winter Solstice — that other people are realizing the same thing I’ve know for many, many years: that anything is possible, if we put our minds and hearts to it, and we don’t accept the same-old-same-old as a given.

Truly, it is a new day. And I’m so happy others are seeing it, too.

Of holidays, distraction, and career choices – a holiday saga

Very cute and cheery, but very distracting

One of the worst things about the holidays for me, is how distracting the whole experience can be. I don’t live close to my family — in more ways than one. I have a very technical career that is nothing like what the teachers and preachers and caregivers in my family pursue. I also live in an area that is more affluent than theirs, and I have very different values and priorities than when I was younger and living at home.

And in the course of my normal everyday life, that’s fine. I am aligned with my own values and I am on my own track and path. I have my plans and my desired direction, and I stick with it. I have my daily routine. I have my priorities clear. And I take definite steps in the direction of my choosing.

But during the holidays, all that changes. It begins with Halloween, when my regular schedule is up-ended by the sudden appearance of “seasonal” distractions — in grocery stores, things get moved around, candy starts to appear, all sorts of new items appear on the shelves, and I have to adjust my usual course through the store to find what I want — as well as block out the distractions of Halloween items which just take more time to think about and parse.

Thanksgiving isn’t much better. If anything, it’s worse, because there’s travel to families involved, and usually in the aftermath, I get sick. And I stay sick for the month of December, which frankly really sucks and makes it harder to just live my life. Also dealing with my family, even though I do love them and enjoy being around them, is a huge time and energy sink. Plus, when I am around my family, my focus gets diluted, I start to think about how things were with me when I was younger, and my values and priorities shift a little bit to be more like they used to be — as in, I start to think more about writing that novel, and less about honing my technical skills. I start to think in broader, more abstract ways, rather than in specific, concrete ways. My family is a very heady bunch of people, with very strong beliefs that I used to agree with and relate to. Being away from them and their way of life, it is relatively easy to focus on my own priorities and tend to the things that matter most to me. Being out of my element, in their midst, throws me off – as little else can.

Family is really important… at the same time, it can be a real hindrance. Especially when everyone in your family thinks of you in a certain way — and that way only. They don’t think about me as a person who has to get more sleep than most. They don’t think of me as a person who is easily fatigued and overwhelmed. They don’t think of me as someone who needs a little extra time to cover all my cognitive bases when I am making decisions or doing something new. And they don’t think of me as someone who needs to make adjustments in my work, because the way I think and feel and relate to the world requires that I make those adjustments to take care of myself.

My mother can’t wrap her head around me needing naps in the afternoon while I’m at work. My father doesn’t get why I work such long hours and stay so late, to avoid traffic. My siblings all seem to think that I live this charmed life of affluence and ease, because I have no kids. I haven’t told everyone about my TBIs — just my parents and one sibling. But the ones I’ve told still aren’t getting it. They’ve made it clear that they’re not going to even make the effort, and that’s that.

So, I do the best I can with what I have with these folks. I love my family and I love spending time with them. At the same time, though, their way of life and their philosophies and their orientation to, well, just about everything, is sharply different from my own — and many of the differences have to do with the accommodations I have to make for myself, and the lack of energy I have to go “bounding about” doing mental gymnastics about things that I don’t believe anyone truly understands, anyway. Maybe my life is simpler, because I’ve let go of a lot of devotion to holding specific opinions and wanting to figure everything out. Come to think of it, I’m sure it is.

It’s having to deal with my family’s devotion to being “Right” and figuring things out, that is so exhausting for me. ‘Cause then I have to re-orient myself to myself and my own beliefs and priorities, all over again after the holidays.

I realized, over this past weekend, how much Thanksgiving threw me off, when I went down to visit my family. It’s like getting pulled back in time… and then having to extract myself from the sticky goo of my past. In a way, it was good that I traveled, after I got back from Thanksgiving, because it gave me time to reset my mental compass. But now I’m sick, and I’m looking ahead to another trip down to my family, and it’s starting to get on my nerves.

Ah, well — so go the holidays. And at least I’m aware of how much my family re-calibrates my thinking when I am with them… so when I get back from the Christmas trip, I can dig in again and work on my job skills, rather than thinking about that novel I was going to write, that I was so sure would be a best-seller. Cripes, but there’s a lot swirling in my head that I need to manage.

And it’s pretty much stress-related. I find that when I am really stressed, I turn to writing fiction for relief. I start writing novels. Or short stories. It calms me. It gives me another place to “go”. But it also distracts me from doing what I need to do. The rush I get from starting something new is a powerful opiate for me. It dulls the pain and gets me thinking about all the new possibilities in life. But after the newness wears off, it’s just another thing I have to do — and it just drags me down.

So, enough of the novel-writing. At least for the next six months. If I’m ever in a position to just kick back and spend hours on end doing nothing, and my job situation is secure and stable, and I don’t have pressing financial needs, I’ll turn to writing fiction. But until that time, I need to keep steady in what I have been planning and working on for the past months — beefing up my technical skills, focusing on certain specific areas where I feel I can really contribute and make a positive difference, and worrying about a decent paycheck, not whether to write in first or second or third person.

One thing I know for sure, that is giving me a great deal of comfort — I would much rather be an individual contributor and work with numbers and code, than deal with people each and every day. I don’t want to be a manager. I want to make things, create things, invent things, render things. I want to interact with machines that will just tell me yes/no… instead of the endless dancing around all the issues and the nuances of human interaction. It’s just too stressful for me. It’s just no fun. It might look more impressive to the rest of the world, but it’s not what I want to do with myself.

I DO know what I want to do with myself. And that is a huge comfort. Especially on days like today, when everybody is clamoring for some sort of overdue thing, they’re getting snotty and irate because it’s closing down on year-end and they haven’t met all their goals, and I feel like I’m going to fall over and/or throw up.

I DO know that I’m outa there in the spring. I will have my skills in place adequately to do just that. I DO know where I’m going to focus my attention, and I DO know how important it is to not lose my train of thought again. I’m also aware — more than ever — of how distracting my family is for me, when it comes to living my life. I have to sorta kinda guard myself from their well-intentioned “guidance” and fend off their “caring” interference. They mean well. I know that. But they just don’t help, when it comes to making decisions about where I need to go next in my life.

Maybe it all boils down to possibility and opportunity. I know I live in a much wider world than they do, and I am much more hooked into what else is possible for me. I need to keep that in mind, as I move forward.

And so I shall. The last big trip of the holidays is coming up, and I’ll be seeing a lot of family — both sides, actually — on the road. My spouse’s family is much more supportive of my career than my birth family, so that will be a relief to be with them. I will need to create some sort of reminder for myself about what truly matters, over the coming months, and I will need to be careful to keep on track, so I don’t get pulled off the rails too much — or at the very least, I can get back on track after the trip is over. I’ll have to think about how to do that… it may be a real challenge. But then, real challenges are usually easier for me to handle than the “easy-peasy” ones. So, my task is clear.

Onward.

On-ward.

 

Learning to do it anyway

Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world…

Woke up this morning feeling sick – headache, sick on my stomach, foggy… Going back to work tomorrow probably isn’t helping any, but life goes on. There it is.

I’m pretty much in the Emotions/Moods “section” of those 84 ways TBI can make your life really interesting

Emotions/Moods

8. Agitated, can’t settle down – I’m all wound up and can’t seem to get myself to chill to get to bed at a decent hour each night. I’m way agitated, and fidgety and am having trouble focusing in to get shit done.
9. Angerrrrrr!!! – I’m pissed off. At work. At my spouse. At myself. I’m just angry. It’s driving me — it’s driving me crazy.
10. Anxiety – Feeling vague fear, worry, anticipation of doom – Yeah, when I go back to work tomorrow, I have the feeling that I’m going to be so totally screwed by my workload and the “lost week+” that I’ve had away. Not that it’s any different than it’s been for the past year or so, but now the sense of doom is really coming in.
11. Depression, feeling down - My mood has actually been pretty good… but I have to really fight back the depression. It sets in quickly if I don’t stay on it.
12. Excitability! – I get all worked up over stuff, then I come back to it later and I can’t see what all the excitement was about. The worst thing about the excitability is that it distracts me and takes me off-course, so it takes me longer to get where I’m going.
13. Everything feels like an effort – Yeah, pretty much. It feels like everything is a massive effort, and I can’t figure out where to start.
14. Feeling unsure of yourself – Yeah, pretty much all the time, these days. I know better (rationally) and I fight it back, but that feeling is always there… like I never know what’s going to come out of my mouth or what I’m going to do next. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes I don’t, but I’m never 100% sure what’s going to happen.
15. Feelings of dread – Yeah, that. Dread and anxiety. Like I just can’t deal with sh*t.
16. Feeling like you’re observing yourself from afar - This is a weird one, because it’s really like that. It’s like I’m standing at a distance and watching myself do and say things that don’t make any sense to me.
17. Feelings of well-being – On and off. It’s not all bad, all the time. Sometimes I have these sudden rushes of feeling really good, really solid, really sound. It’s a nice break.
18. Feeling guilty – Guilty over what I’ve done and what I haven’t done… what I should have done, what I forgot to do.
19. Feeling hostile towards others – Yeah, this is a tough one. I’m not feeling that great today, and we have a friend staying over, and I have to watch myself to not come across as hostile and aggressive, because they’re pretty sensitive and have a hard time making and keeping friends, as it is. My hostility has nothing to do with them, but they could easily become a target, if I don’t manage this.
20. Impatience – Yeah – what’s taking everything so long?
21. Irritability – Like the hostility, I’ve gotta keep a handle on this. Others shouldn’t have to pay for my issues. It has nothing to do with them.
22. No desire to talk or  move – This one set in when I woke up, and it’s still there. The antidote? Get the hell up and do something. Anything. Just move, goddammit.
23. Feeling lonely – Yeah. That. The consolation I get is that I’m not alone in feeling lonely. Plenty of people do. I also need to focus on the fact of what I’ve got in common with others, and that helps.
24. Nervousness – Nervous about work, nervous about money, nervous about life. Nervous.
25. Feelings of panic – On and off. This is much less extreme than it was several years ago. I’ve learned how to relax. I’ve learned how to recognize the signs that I’m just panicking, and it has nothing to do with actual reality. Breathing helps.
26. Rapid mood swings – Yeah, gotta watch that. I’m sick and tired today, so I know I’m more susceptible.
27. Restlessness – I want to run, I want to walk, I want to jump in the car and drive away. I want to go out and pick a fight. Not my best ideas… and I know it’s just the fatigue, the fogginess, the feeling of being “off” that’s doing this. Adrenaline and novelty blocks out all the distracting what-not-ness that’s swirling in my head. Surely, doing something extreme will take my mind off it. Well, sure – but at what cost?
28. Tearfulness, crying spells – Not so far, which is good. A few days ago, when I was feeling really sick, I had this. Thankfully it passed. Of all the TBI issues that come up, the tearfulness is the worst for me.
29. Feeling tense – Yeah. That. Like I’m wound so tight, I’m either going to snap, or I’m going to shoot straight to the moon. Tense. Really Tense. Black Flag Tense.
30. Feeling vague longing/yearning – Absolutely – for something I want and need, but can’t quite put my finger on. I used to have an antidote for this: daily meditation and breathing. Then I got sick of it and stopped doing it, because I just wanted to get on with my days with out having a lot of ritual and sh*t to do, first thing in the morning.

And as a result of these things, I’m also grappling with the follwing:

Day-to-Day Activities
31. Being overly busy (more than usual) - I’ve got all this stuff I want to do, and it’s piling up. I’m making myself crazy with it.
32. Feeling like you can’t get moving, you’re stuck – And under this pile of stuff, there I am, pinned down and feeling like I can’t move.
33. Feeling like you can’t get anything done - It’s just a feeling, I know, but that’s how I feel right now — nothing is moving, I can’t get anything accomplished.

Geeze. Enough of this. Yeah, things aren’t great right now, but once I get moving, I’m sure they’ll loosen up. That’s the thing that I’ve had to learn, over and over again. I can’t start from where I want to be (feeling great and having a lot of stuff done). I need to start from where I am — even if it’s sick and tired and foggy and aggressive and a bit ragged around the edges.

Gotta get out of my head and find something to really focus on. Just gotta. I’ve got to get my mind off this headache, this nausea, this fogginess, and all the above-mentioned crap. I’ve got to just get moving and do what needs to be done today. I do have things I need to take care of, and I just need to do them. I’ve had two days to recover and recoup, and that’s been good. Now I need to kick it again and get a move on. No matter how I feel, just do what needs to be done, and then enjoy having done it.

Yeah, it’s turning out to be a beautiful day, so I can get some work done in the yard and hang out with this friend. I will need to watch myself today, to make sure I’m not all edgy around them, so I don’t chase them off the way I have chased off many other people. I just need to keep cool, keep focused on what needs to get done, and do it.

And then sleep this afternoon. Get some rest. And get ready to go back to everyday normal life. Things will take care of themselves, if I’m just honest with myself and keep an eye on myself. This is not rocket science, it’s just life. Everybody has to contend with this, TBI or no. So deal with it, I shall.

After all, it is a beautiful day.

Finding the good

Chillin' on the mud cake

Today started out very strange for me. I woke up when I thought it was about 6 a.m., and I got up and did my morning sitting/breathing. Then I went downstairs and looked at the clock, and it was 4 a.m. So that meant I had been up since about 3:30.

And here I thought it was later.

I did go to bed earlier than usual last night. I have a bad head cold, and I was feeling really poorly last night, so after watching Coast Guard Alaska I took myself to bed, thinking I would be able to sleep in and get some good rest. But it didn’t turn out that way.

When I realized how early it was, and I realized how awake I was, I decided I was going to stay up, rather than going back to bed. I was congested and not feeling that great, so I made myself a cup of tea and sat down to read some online stuff. My intention was to write a bit, in hopes of quieting my mind by getting some of my ideas out of my head, but I wasn’t feeling it, so I ended up reading and also doing some web site development work that I’d discussed with an acquaintance over the holiday trip.

It’s disappointing, really, to not have slept in. I haven’t been feeling well, and I really need to rest after my long trip over the holidays. I feel like I’m “behind” and I can’t catch up. I feel like there is something not quite right, here, and it worries me. I also feel heavy and slow — my work clothing fits me tighter after an over-indulgent holiday season, and even though I am getting up and doing exercise again, I know it’s going to be a while till I am in the “zone” where I would like to be.

In a way, though, it’s helpful for me to be a bit on the fat side. It makes me more aware of my weight, to begin with, which gets me thinking more actively about how I’m eating, how I’m exercising, and how I’m living in general. The problem isn’t that I went overboard with the cookies and snacks and double-helpings and desserts at all those lunches and dinners. The problem is that I had this intense need to escape all my woes with snacks a series of great meals — nothing wrong with a few Christmas cookies and a great meal or two, but when I use it to not think about anything else, then it becomes less great than it might otherwise be.

And being heavier and slower than is comfortable has lit a fire under me, to get going again, get moving, get out and about, and get on with my life, even in the face of being really unhappy with how things are. Frankly, I tend to be on the relentless side, when it comes to improvement — I always want to streamline and optimize and enhance what’s in front of me, to see just how far I can take it. This goes for my work, my play, my relationships, and just about every different aspect of my life that can possible be tweaked for maximum performance. Being literally unable to move as fast as I’d like has a humbling effect on me, and it forces me to admit that I’m human, that I have my limitations, and that maybe — just maybe — my life will be fine if I don’t streamline or optimize or enhance what’s in front of me, right now.

Maybe, just maybe, it’s okay if I lie down with a book and read my way through the gray rainy day that’s been put in front of me today. Maybe, just maybe, it’s okay if I take the day off. Heck, I’ve been going and going and going for over a week. I could really use a break. And I’m not doing myself any favors by pushing myself to go out in the cold and rain, even if the errands do need to be done.

Heck, it’s New Year’s Eve. I’m supposed to lay low and think about my life over the past year, and look forward to the next year and all it has to bring. Herewith, I am officially taking the day off, to recuperate and get some sleep. A long hot shower, followed by the rest of the day in bed, is about my speed.

Which I sort of hate to say. Because it’s Saturday, and that usually means I need to be running errands or doing something useful with myself. But I’m tired. And sick. And I’ve been pushing myself for weeks on end. One day off is not going to break the bank — but if I don’t take the day off, it may break me.

So, I look for the good in this day. I look for the positives in the rain and gray skies. I look for the good in my aching muscles and my foggy head. I try to find the positive in everything that surrounds me on this apparently average day.  I need to find some redeeming qualities to my present work. I need to find some sustenance in my present challenges. I need to identify the ways that I am strengthened by my circumstances, not torn down by them. I need to pull myself up by my proverbial boot-straps, and even if I don’t put my boots on and walk out into the day, today, I need to revitalize my mood and regain the resolve that I once had in abundance.

There is much good to be found in the world, if I simply look for it. So, it is on me to look for it. The good won’t find itself. It’s not going to pick itself up and walk over to me, shake my hand and say, “Hey, I’m good! Nice to meet you!” I’m the one who has to walk up to it, shake its hand, and introduce myself to it. Otherwise, it will stay forever hidden behind the barriers that I think are between me and it. The world around me is chock-full of all sorts of experiences, all sorts of opportunities to learn and grow and expand my appreciation for what life sends my way. Some of those things are profoundly troubling and I find myself going down a path of discontent and despair. Some of those things are apparently wonderful on the surface, then they morph into something different over time — sometimes that thing is “better” and sometimes it is “worse”, but it always changes.

No doubt about that.

Anyway, I am starting to fade. I’ve been up for about seven hours, by now, and I’m feeling it more and more. Time for that long, hot shower to loosen up the gunk in my sinuses and chest, then it’s off to bed to rest — and rest — and rest. New Year’s Eve will come, soon enough. Maybe I’ll stay up late, maybe I won’t. Either way is fine. Maybe I’ll watch the ball drop, maybe I won’t. Either way is okay. Maybe I’ll ponder the profundities of my life. Or maybe I’ll play a board game in front of the fire and just take it easy. Either way.

It’s all good.

Just knowing makes all the difference

I headed off to bed at a decent hour, last night. Then I got caught up in just thinking about things, and I tacked on another half our to my stay-up time. So, by the time all was said and done, it was a little earlier than usual, but not a lot.

Then I woke up early this morning, and after spending half an hour trying to do progressive relaxation, I got up. And here I am.

My temper is a little flash-y, this morning. But at least I’m aware of it. Knowing that, makes it possible for me to not get caught up in it and get carried away. It’s a good start for what’s going to be a long day, I’m sure.

Gotta make sure I take my mid-day break. I didn’t get my break yesterday — I got booked up on my tasks, and I had to clear everything off my plate till I got that done. I did get it done, which was hugely satisfying. But I also missed my break. And now I’m paying for it.

Oh, well. At least I’m aware. And I can manage it.

See, that’s the thing with me — if I’m not aware of what’s going on with me, it tends to get hold of me and carry me away. Like not knowing why I’m upset — or, for that matter, not knowing that I AM upset… it gets the better of me, and then I’m off to the races.

But when I am cognizant of the fact that I have not slept enough, I have been pushing myself too hard, I’m starting to snap out for no good reason, and I need a break, then I can do something about it.

It’s a management issue.

But first I need to understand what I need to manage. And then I can work from there.

This is all assuming, of course, that I have a direction I want to go in, and work in. That I know I have a direction. That I have something that pulls me.

Probably should have named this post “Pull, don’t Push”, because it’s turning out to be more and more the kind of thing I need in my life. I need to be pulled towards what is good and right and desirable, not pushed away from what is bad. I need to have something that draws me to it, that brings me energy and excitement and engagement. When I focus on pushing myself away from what I don’t want, it’s a negative on top of a negative. I may be moving “forward”, but it feels like I’m standing still. Or, even worse, I feel like I’m moving backwards.

And that’s not the best I can do.

Thinking about this, it seems that this is probably one of the biggest hurdles to me in dealing with everything. I tend to focus so intently on my broken brain, that I use up all my energy before I get to my brilliant mind. And then I get worn out and frustrated and I feel like I’m getting nowhere. I may be making great progress, but when I am mainly focused on my setbacks, I run out of steam before I can focus on my strengths.

Seriously, my setbacks may never go away. But if I funnel all my attention onto them, then I can never get to the strong points. And I can’t make progress in the areas where I can make progress. It’s not so much giving up, as it is redirecting my attention to other areas… which may indirectly contribute to minimizing the setbacks I have.

Again, knowing this makes the difference. And knowing that I’m getting bogged down, lets me do something about that and move along to something better and bigger. Knowing that I have something bigger and better to move on to also makes a difference.

It’s all good, it all matters, and it works for me.

News that has absolutely nothing to do with me

Watch me sail away with the news...

News of the coming election is heating up, and with it comes a seemingly unending flurry of news and reportage about all the candidates, their track records, what they will or will not do, what they did or did not accomplish, what they said, what they ate, what they wore. That’s really bad news.

Danger – danger! Warning Will Robinson!

It’s bad news, because this is exactly the kind of stuff that’s murder on me – the seemingly important news that changes and shifts and provides me with absolutely no redeeming value in my life, other than to get my mind off what I’m doing at the time. It’s intriguing, alluring, and totally consuming. It’s murder on whatever hold I have on my distraction at any given point in time.

Especially when I’m stressed and am having a hard time concentrating, or when I’m tired and I’m losing steam, a little distraction can turn into a lot of problems. Sure, it can help me relieve pressure. The only problem is, I tend to get wrapped up in the distraction, so that it becomes the main focus of my precious time and my limited energy.

And that’s not good.

I guess I need to get a lot more aggressive about ruling things out — cutting things out of my attention field that don’t add to my ultimate goal — that get in my way. That are entertaining for a short while, then stop adding anything to my life. Things like political discussions, which are so much gum-flapping at this stage of the game. It’s all narcissism and self-aggrandizement at this point, and precious little that’s substantive is actually being said. It’s mud-slinging from the get-go, to get opponents disqualified — or at the very least, to plant seeds of doubt in the minds of voters, which seeds can (and will) be watered and tended and nourished for months to come, as we lead up to the next Big Decision about who gets to run the world.

What does all this have to do with me, really? The “information” we are getting is so skewed and slanted, if it were a building, it wouldn’t pass code, even in Haiti. And that’s pretty bad. It’s so much fluff and dust and redirection, it makes my head spin. And I have no idea who is actually telling the truth.

It’s not going to be easy to keep out of the political discussion scene, this season. I have a lot of friends on Facebook who are vehement about their own political views — and I have friends on the extreme left and extreme right, which makes things interesting, when I feel like speaking MY mind   So, there’s bound to be a lot of dust kicked up in the coming months. Flying in my eyes, my mouth, my nose, getting stuck under my fingernails and in places the sun don’t shine.

To the best of my ability, I’m going to do myself a favor and keep a fairly low profile with regard to the political scene. It’s really a distraction I can’t afford. I have work to do, I have a job to do, and I need to make way for the new things. I can’t move forward, until I have the existing projects squared away, so that’s really Job One for me, these days. Regardless of what’s going on in the rest of the world.

Now, part of me feels like I need to do this, to encourage more meaning in my life… More mindfulness. Less craziness. But there’s a more basic reason for this — I cannot move ahead in my life and get things in order, unless I get my act together, clear out some of the old stuff that’s familiar but bogging me down, and move on to the next thing.

I had a good training at the end of last week, which adds more information to my overall skill offerings. It rounds out my professional profile nicely. And I’m really stoked. Now I need to move these things out of the way that are keeping me from getting on with it. Pronto. Just do it.

So long as I keep allowing myself to be distracted by things that have Absolutely Nothing To Do With Me, I’m going to stay entertained. But I’m going to be stuck in the same place.

And that’s no good.