I had a pretty good day, yesterday. I got things done that I needed to do, and I got some good exercise. I also had a lot of alone-time, as my spouse was traveling for business.
Today we’re going to the beach, which I am looking forward to. It’s been tough to get out and get to the water, this summer. I’ve been really tired from work, and I’ve had some rough patches, when things seemed to be really falling apart on the inside.
On the outside, everything was cool and happenin’, with my new job and new responsibilities. My interior world was a little different, though. I had a lot of doubt and struggle that I never wanted to give in to. I just kept going and didn’t get bogged down in it. And it didn’t stop me.
At the same time, it was still very difficult, and I’m glad I’m getting to a balanced place, right now.
Rest has become really important to me. I’m realizing how much I need, more and more each day. If I’m not rested, my brain doesn’t work right. And now that I’m not running on pure adrenaline, 24 hours a day, I can feel how worn out I got from that old job.
It just was not a good fit for me, mentally, physically, philosophically. The philosophical aspect is really important, because it’s about my values and what I think of the world. If my workplace is not in alignment with my values, it sets up a huge amount of stress. I’m surprised I stayed as long as I did — but that was really because of the connections I felt with people there.
And the fact that I couldn’t find a decent fit anywhere else.
Now that’s behind me, and I am really shifting my energy sources to real things, instead of pure adrenaline and stress. I don’t need to use stress to dull the pain or give me energy, because I don’t have to friggin’ deal with those crazy people anymore. Geez, where they a piece of work. But that now falls into the category of Not My Problem, so let’s move on.
Moving on… now that I have the time, I can actually get some decent rest at night. I can get 8 hours easily, whenever I want. No 7 a.m. conference calls. No 9 p.m. conference calls. No global drama. No chasing down problems at breakneck speed, only to find a whole slew of other problems waiting in the wings. None of that, thank heavens. I can also spend an hour or so each morning reading and writing and thinking, which is a huge thing for me.
I can’t believe how little time I actually spent thinking, over the years. It’s like my brain wasn’t required on the job. Just show up, do as you’re told, and shut up about it.
Now, I’m “allowed” — even encouraged — to think on the job. And that’s a huge thing, because working with people who are anti-“intellectual” and make a point of never applying their minds to much of anything, gets to be pretty old. This happened in the last few jobs I had. Looking back, I can see how I gravitated towards positions where I actually didn’t have to think much about anything, because my brain wasn’t working all that well. In a way, those mindless jobs really stabilized me and provided an income to help me get back on my feet. They served their purpose, and for that I’m very grateful.
And I’m also grateful I’ve moved on. I’m grateful that I could move on.
Anyway, it’s a beautiful day today, and I have a few hours before we’re heading out for the afternoon. I got my Big Online Chore done last night in no time, which was completely awesome. I had allotted 2 hours to doing it, because that’s how long it always took me before. Sometimes longer. It was a huge chore, because I would have to block off hours of time to do it, and then check it, to make sure everything was uploaded and working properly. But I’ve recently changed internet service providers, and my internet connection is 20x faster than it was before — literally. So, what usually took me 2-3 hours on average, took me 20 minutes. I was done. And I had a couple extra hours.
So, I had some tea, read for a little bit, and went to bed happy.
Which is great.
I have to say, getting used to not being pushed to my physical and mental limits, each and every day, is pretty cool. For years, I’ve pushed myself really, really hard, because it kept me awake and feeling alive. But it turned into a drain that sapped all my energy and turned me into a zombified crazy person. And I didn’t like where I was going. I had a pretty shitty outlook on life — largely because I was so tired and maxed out all the time. Now that I’m not pushing myself like crazy, and I have a good foundation with a decent job that’s close to home (and getting closer in another 6 weeks — woo hoo!), I have the leeway to step back, look around myself, and see what else I have to live for, besides dulling the pain and distracting myself from all my troubles.
And rest has played a big role in this little success story.
Rest, and getting into a job where I’m expected to think for a living.
It’s an adjustment, but I’m sure I’ll manage ;)