Keeping busy, keeping moving

So, I really need to report in – things are going really well for me, these days. I seem to have turned a corner, and I’m able to just get on with my life better than I can remember in recent (and distant) memory. It’s like my issues have all faded into the background, and they’re no longer the primary focus of my life.

How did this happen? I mean, I’m not necessarily in less pain than before. Yesterday when I got up, I could barely move, and I had a hard time getting down the stairs. But I concentrated on where I was going, not where I was at that point in time, and within an hour, I was moving with pretty decent range.

I’m also not less fatigued than before. I’m not sleeping nearly as long as I want/need to. But even though I find myself yawning and feeling really wiped out in the course of the day, I take a few breaths, settle myself down, focus on just letting all the swirling “mud” sink to the bottom of my proverbial mental pond, and in a little while I’m recovered sufficiently to get back to what I was doing.

I have no real friends to speak of, other than co-workers and colleagues. Actually, when I think about it, work *is* my social life. And when I’m done working, I’m done with everything for the day. It works for me — and it helps me get a whole lot done.

So, I can’t worry about it. I’m actually on decent terms with just about everyone I know, so in actuality (and this is not an exaggeration), I consider just about everyone my fried. So, it’s not that I don’t have “friends” — I connect with just about everyone I know on a personal basis, and that makes them a friend.

So, what’s this amazing change that’s going on with me? I think at the root, it’s the new-found ability to chill out my system and keep from getting too tense, too stressed, too uptight, too anxious, too… everything, over the setbacks I encounter each and every day. One of the main ingredients of my daily difficulties — and overall disabling challenges — was how I handled my setbacks and hardships.

When I treat them like indications that something is terribly wrong, and it needs to be fixed, it gets me all wound up, hyper-sensitized, anxious… you name it, there’s not much good that comes of it — and it also keeps me from thinking clearly, so I literally cannot think my way out of my situation.

But when I treat my setbacks lightly and don’t get all into “OMG, I am so f*cked!” and I step back and take a look at them from a distance, and I treat them like little lessons in my daily life-schooling, I can think so much clearer. And furthermore, I can actually look forward to whatever comes, because I trust that it is going to make me smarter and stronger and better over the long run.

And if nothing else, at least I’ll have a story to tell, years on down the line.

That being said, it’s time to go out and see what new lessons are going to come my way.

Onward.

Calling it a day

It’s been a full day, with its share of unexpected “wrinkles”.

It’s been a good day – beautiful weather, and some increasing clarity on the direction I am taking with my life.

It’s been a long day, even though it “only” started at 6 a.m., and it’s not even 12 hours later.

One of the really good things about it, is how good I am feeling right now – how good I have been feeling all day. The mud is clearing from my perspectives, and I have more resolve than ever.

Also, all my stretching and 90-second breaks are really helping a great day. In fact, they are helping so much that I can actually tell that I am tired.

Way tired.

Bone tired.

Dog tired.

In the past, I would always push through – have some coffee, eat a candy bar, get bent out of shape over something – until I was too wired to feel anything.

Today, I am relaxed enough to know that I need to lie down for a nap for about an hour, before I’m going to be good for anything.

I didn’t get everything done today that I was intending to, but I can spend some time later working on things. The nice part about having a definite timeframe to move on, and a definite idea of where I’m going, is that I suddenly have a ton of energy for figuring things out and finishing up projects that have been in the wings for a long, long time, that I haven’t been able to get done.

So, with this final 2-month push, I’ll kick it and make some tracks. Make some progress. And really shape my future the way I am hoping to.

With plenty of breaks in between. To breathe. To settle. To balance. To regain my composure and head back into the fray.

On-ward.

Getting the most sleep possible

If only…

A recurrent problem cropped up again last night — or, shall we say, early this morning.

I got to bed a bit later than I wanted to, last night. I was working on a project till fairly late, and then I ate late… and watched a bit more t.v. than I intended or should have. Anyway, when I went to bed, I was bushed. Just wiped. And I had an early call for work this morning, so I was between a rock and a hard place. But I figured if I timed things right, I could get a little over 8 hours of sleep, which would be good. Better than 6, that’s for sure.

The thing is, with the weather changing, I woke up at 4 a.m. really hot. I can’t sleep when I’m hot, and I need to have heavy blankets on me, or I don’t sleep very well. So, as you can imagine, when spring arrives and it starts to get warmer overnight, I can heat up.

Which I did.

So, I made some adjustments, took off some layers, and tried to get back to sleep. I wasn’t terribly optimistic, because usually when I’m awake at 4 or 4:30, then I’m UP, and that’s that. I figured I’d be taking a nap later this afternoon, since I’m working from home today, so it wasn’t that bad. But still… I really didn’t want to get behind on my sleep, because that starts a vicious cycle that is so hard to get out of.

What to do… well, first I had to stop my head from spinning in all different directions. I’ve got a project going on that is really exciting for me, and I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about it. I started thinking about it at 4:15 a.m., too, much to my dismay. It was the right thing to think about at the wrong time. I also got into a mental “loop” over job stuff. All these things were nothing that I could anything about at the moment… and thankfully I realized that it made a lot more sense to turn off my head and come back to everything when I was rested and fresh.

But how to get back to sleep?

Well, I stretched a little bit, which always helps. I also did some slow breathing. And I turned my focus to my body, rather than the stuff rattling ’round in my head. I relaxed… really relaxed, which I realized I was not doing, when my head was going a million miles a second. I could feel the tension slip away… and then I slipped back to sleep.

I woke up with my alarm, turned it off… and went right back to sleep. I woke up three minutes before my call was supposed to start, which was a little alarming (though it was good I woke up before the call instead of after)… and then after dialing in, I learned that the call was cancelled anyway, so I could just take my time having breakfast and getting into my day.

All good.

And by my calculations, I got about 8-1/2 hours of sleep. Not continuous, but cumulative. And that’s pretty good for having all but given up hope around 4:20 a.m.

So, when it comes to sleeping, it’s pretty clear that my head can be my worst enemy. When I am wiped out, especially, I can have real problems getting to sleep (going to bed at a decent hour) and staying that way. I am very sensitive to sound, when I am over-tired, too, so if I don’t have earplugs in and there’s a noise, I can wake up over the littlest thing, with my heart pounding and my head racing. Even if it’s just a little noise, it can set me off. And then when my head gets going, I can “loop” for hours, if I let it do its thing.

Unfortunately, getting my head to stop is easier said than done. The best thing to do is just ignore it, quite frankly. Get my attention on my body, somehow — progressive relaxation, breathing, stretching… anything to get out of my head. Once I can do that, my body can rest, and a lot of times I can get back to sleep.

Even if I can’t get back to sleep, at least I can let my body relax, and that counts for a lot.

But the time for thinking about sleep is over. Now it’s time to get on with my day.

Onward!

SO good to be home, for good

It surely is. After traveling overseas in December, and then again in February, I have to say it is pretty awesome to be home for the foreseeable future. They may ask me to travel again in a few months, but I need to pace myself and make sure I don’t overdo it. ‘Cause man, I am wiped.

It’s funny — I didn’t have as much trouble with being tired, when I was over there. I was able to regulate my sleep and I felt pretty functional, overall. But coming back, my sleeping has been all screwed up, and I am having a hard time getting back on track. Add to that the drama at work around the re-org, and all the uncertainties and insecurities, and you end up with a lot of reasons NOT to come to work.

But hey, at least I got a promotion out of it — at least, I think that’s what happened. My title changed to something pretty respectable, which is good. It gives me something to work with, when it comes to politics. It also gets me out of the trenches, which is nice, and puts me on par with managers. Actually “Manager” is part of my new title, which is nice. And it gives me something to parlay into something even better, when I start talking to headhunters again.

In any case, it’s all a grand theater production, when you get down to it, so I can’t get to attached to much of anything. Things change daily, and it’s maddening, if you get your heart set on much of anything. Me? I’m just taking it as it comes and treating it like experience. Because in the end, that’s the only thing I really “own” — not my title, not my job, just my experience. And I can do with it whatever I choose.

It’s funny, while I was traveling, I discovered that there was an awful lot I did not notice, even though my colleague did. I didn’t see a lot of things that they called to my attention, while we were going back and forth to the office (our hotel was about a mile from the office, and we walked to work and back each day, which was good exercise). I was so focused on just making my way from Point A to Point B and beyond… so intent on not getting pulled in different directions… not getting run down by the local drivers… not losing my orientation and getting completely overwhelmed to the point where I’d shut down… that I didn’t see a lot of things that my colleague saw and commented on.

At first it bothered me a little bit. I didn’t want to be so affected by the noise and the lights and the cold and the heat. I didn’t want to have to focus so intently on what was in front of me, that I missed the things around me. I didn’t want to have a limited experience because of my hyper-sensitivities. But that’s how it was.

Then I got to thinking that being that focused was not a bad thing — it kept me from wandering in circles. And when you think about it, there’s no sense in experiencing everything all at once. Where’s the sense of discovery then? Where’s the adventure? It would all become too familiar too soon, too easy, too bland, if I took in everything right from the start.

The way I was, missing so much, the first few times, it left a lot for me to discover later, and I did — with a true sense of newness each time. Because it was new to me.

The other thing about being so focused, was that it blocked out a lot of things that could have been upsetting and could have thrown me off, on what was a very important trip… namely, that my father nearly died two days before I flew out, and they did a pretty significant medical procedure on him, and I still managed to “stay in the game” while maintaining good contact with him and my mother and the rest of my family in the hours leading up to my departure. All the focus kept me on track. My father is fine. He’s on the mend. So, I wasn’t being a “bad child” and neglectful, because I wasn’t thrown by his illness. And that’s a good feeling.

The other thing about the focus, though, is that I completely forgot about him being sick, much of the time I was there — and even when I talked with my neuropsych on Monday. You’d think that I’d remember that and discuss the situation, but I completely forgot about it. Jet lag… yeah. And such intent focus on what was in front of me, that I overlooked that important event. Completely forgot it had ever happened.

Whoever said “Happiness is good health and a bad memory,” was right.

And now I am exhausted. It’s time to go to bed. I am so done, it’s not even funny.

So, off I go.

Till later…

Jealous with my time

So, I had planned to spend this evening with some friends, but I really have a lot I want to get done today. And on top of that, I need to get a good nap this afternoon. So, I am opting out of the social activity tonight, and I’m focusing on just getting things done that I want to get done — that will serve some larger purpose for my life.

As much as I want to be able to do all those things, the fact is I need to keep rested and relaxed and also not over-extend myself. It is so hard saying “No” to people, especially when I want to do those things. But half the battle of getting to an enjoyable “yes” is working with responsible “no’s”. And in the end, having more energy and time for a few things, sure beats spreading myself too thin on many things – no matter how much I enjoy them.

This is a sign of huge progress for me. In the past, I would just push and push and push and wear myself out, make myself so very tired — because it infused me with all sorts of stress biochemicals that provided relief for the pain of my daily struggles. Now I am making choices that reduce the stress, not add to it. Now I am taking action that, while not popular, serves me so much better in the long run.

The fact of the matter is, I live and work with people who do not “get” my need for sleep and rest, and who don’t understand what it’s like to have to function while you’re bone-tired, day in and day out. They don’t know what it’s like to be constantly stressed over stupid crap, and not be able to filter out too much light, too much noise, too much activity. They thrive on it. They love it. They absolutely soak it up, while it just ruins me. It. Just. Ruins. Me.

And I can’t have that. Everybody else can go do their thing. I need to pace myself and not let the dizzying frantic-ness of all my friends and family get to me. I need to protect myself. Yes, even from the people I care about the most.

So, today it’s going to be taking care of chores around the house, running some errands, getting a good long nap in, and checking some items off my list. I may work on my taxes a bit, too. I got my federal taxes filed yesterday, so now I need to do the state ones… and for some reason they always seem more complicated, even though they’re based on the federal numbers. I’m looking forward to my nap, this afternoon.

And tonight it’s going to be a bit of studying, a bit of practice, and relaxing on my own time with a movie I’ve been wanting to see. And getting to bed at a decent hour, so I am fresh and rested for tomorrow… and my new life.

Sleep – to be functional, and also to enjoy

Sleep makes it all better

So, I’m extremely happy to report that I got about 9 hours of sleep last night. Perhaps a little more. I did some reading before I went to sleep, so that might have added on to my awake-time, but who cares – I woke up about 9 hours later, and I am actually feeling human again. This is huge progress. Usually, I push right through — have a bowl of ice cream or some other sugary snack to keep me awake. Or I go channel surfing and indulge my inane side with late-night talk/comedy.

Not last night, though. I ate my dinner, helped my spouse with some web searches, and went off to bed.

This morning I woke up and started reading my book again — it’s a how-to book for my work, with stuff I have been needing to know, and I cannot advance my career until I know it. This is stuff I needed to know four years ago, when I had a different job that was much more technical than what I’m doing now — it’s the stuff I actually was doing… but didn’t understand at all. I fudged my way through that work, and it was pretty painful (and I made a quick exit at my first opportunity)… but now I need to get back into it and really understand it, not just fake it.

Faking it is not an option with me anymore – after doing it for years, I can no longer keep two steps ahead of those who might find me out. So, my only course of action is to study and learn and master the material. It’s not that difficult, actually. I just have had a hell of a time in the past reading and understanding and putting what I was reading into action.

It’s pretty wild, this whole reading and comprehension thing. I struggled with it for years, after my last TBI. I couldn’t read anything for about 5 years — it just didn’t make any sense to me. I would read online articles, that I thought made sense, but I was really just skimming through them, and I had no real comprehension. And that was a tremendous loss. Because reading was always my “thing” — it was an integral part of who I was, and when that went away, part of me went away, as well.

In the past years, I have more actively read — specifically to practice understanding what I read. I can’t take that for granted, anymore. And in fact, as I look around, I realize that an awful lot of people (who may have never had TBIs) also don’t really “get” what they’re reading — they just think they do. But anyway, back to me… I need to really exert some effort in reading with comprehension — reading and understanding what I’m seeing… and also (in the case of this technical training), doing what I am reading about. It’s not a given that it’s going to make total sense to me — I need to exert myself, I need to make an effort. It doesn’t just come easy-breezy to me anymore.

So, that’s what I’ve been doing. And it just wears me out. Seriously. I get so tired. I have to pace myself. But I also can’t let up. I need to keep going, but I also need to keep my strength up… or I just don’t enjoy what I’m reading. And if I don’t enjoy it, then it becomes that much harder to do, and the words become that much harder to remember and understand.

Now, when I get good sleep, like I did last night, everything changes. It’s no longer a struggle and a trial. Sure, I still need to keep focused and maintain my level of effort, but it’s not nearly as painful as when I am tired. And when I am rested, I remember why I am doing this — to learn and grow and take more control of my life, and get back to earning the kind of salary that I should be, so I can have the kind of life that my spouse and I should have.

Okay, that being said, it’s time to sign off now and turn my attention to that work again. I got a good 9 hours of sleep last night, and I feel human again. I’m going to use my first good hours of the day building my skills and moving towards the future. And I’m going to enjoy myself.

Rock on.

Yes. Going to bed.

I had an early start this morning, after a couple of late work evenings. I also had a very taxing day — performance review which turned out better than any others I’ve had, but was still very draining… along with a bunch of stuff going on that is very taxing.

So, I left work at 4:30 and got home just around dusk… had some dinner, and now I’m going to bed.

Yes.

Psych.

This is good.

Part of me wants to stay up, because it’s a good three hours before my usual bedtime and I can think of all kinds of things I’d rather be doing than sleeping.

But screw it. I’m not good for much, considering the state I’m in. So, I am going to bed.

Good night.

Sleep is good… if you can get it

If I could get some, that would be great. I’ve had to work late, the last two nights, and despite my best-laid plans, I have not been able to sleep till 7 in the morning, as planned. If I’d been able to sleep till 7, it would be a whole different story. But I’m stressed out over work, and that’s waking me up. It’s also keeping me up. So, I’ve got to get a grip on this and not let myself get too stressed over things.

Easy to say. Hard to do. It feels strange, going through the motions every day, keeping up appearances of planning to stay on, while doing everything in my power to get the hell out of that situation as soon as humanly possible… but not jump too soon, or go from the frying pan into the fire. It’s not easy for me to operate in this conflicted state of mind. I really care about the people I work with and I want to be able to commit to it 100%, but I don’t see that happening. The company is just wretched, it doesn’t show any sign that it cares about any of us, they have us working in a building which is structurally unsafe (portions of it collapsed last month), the open-plan workspace is a great way to get absolutely nothing done each day, and they just shuffle us around like cards in a deck. It seems to be the same, just about anywhere you go in the corporate world, so I’m definitely not alone. It’s par for the multi-national corporation course.

Still, it’s not easy. And it’s not what I want for my life.

I really just need to keep my eyes on the prize – keep working on my skills, keep sharpening my abilities, and not get too side-tracked by all the static that’s happening around us.

Because that’s really all it is — static.

Which is unfortunate. Because what a waste of time… And churning over it all is costing me sleep. Rest. Recovery. I’m still not completely over that damn’ flu, and my job situation is not helping.

Well, if nothing else, at least I still have my sense of humor… I think… And it’s a new day, so I’m going to get ready for work and just get on with it. And finish up the day at the office early, so I can come home. And rest.

Onward.

Whoah – exhaustion alert

Holy crap, am I tired. Exhausted. Time for bed. I got a lot of really great feedback from folks in my comments, but I am too baked to do anything more than type this.

Good night.

New Year’s Action #1 – uninstall Facebook app

Good-bye FB

I have a smartphone for work – I wouldn’t have one, otherwise. They are too expensive and they are one more thing for me to lug around. The only *real* use for it is to check my email when I am away from work, look up directions, and google businesses so I can find out their hours.

I installed the Facebook app on it, about a year ago, and I cannot begin to count the hours I have wasted “liking” what people are saying, or getting into “discussions” with people that serve only one of two purposes: to agree or to disagree. No one’s opinion has ever been changed due to Facebook comments, to my knowledge.

It’s all very entertaining, to lie in bed before I go to sleep or right after I wake up, and read what people are saying, but what has this actually added to my life? Practically nothing, aside from some laughs. There are some good jokes there, but is this what my life is supposed to be about? Lying in bed laughing at jokes?

My life is precious to me. My time is at a premium. Sleep and good rest is essential to me. So, there was only one logical course to take — to say “Good-bye Facebook smartphone app.”

And I uninstalled it last night before I went to sleep — it has stolen enough resting time from me.

Today is the first day of my Facebook-less life.