Yes, of course I can. If…

With the right tools and approach…

I’ve been thinking a lot, lately, about the idea “I Can’t” that has been in the back of my head for about as long as I can remember. It’s been a constant companion for me through the years, and has both held me back, and propelled me forward.

Knowing nothing about how TBI can affect how you behave in the world, didn’t help me at all. I had no idea that how it can disrupt your short-term working memory, how it can make you more distractable and lead to “catastrophic response” meltdowns, and really disrupt your functioning in stressful situations. And so, I figured that I was just built wrong, that I was messed up, and there was nothing to be done about it.

I would try and try and try to do things, but they would just fall flat. I would get overwhelmed or distracted (and then forget what I was doing), and then I’d end up with a lot of plans that never happened. This was for things that others asked me to do, as well as things I took on myself. Nobody ever realized that I might need a little prompting — they just assumed I was lazy, and that was that. They just assumed that there was something wrong with me, and they made sure I knew that they thought so.

And being a basically trusting individual, I assumed they were right. There was something amiss with me. And that was that I couldn’t do the things that other people did. I just couldn’t. I didn’t give a lot of thought to why or how — all I knew was, “I can’t.”

Now, on the other hand, I’ve got this stubborn, contrary streak that refuses to give in to the “I can’ts” all rattling ’round in my head. For those things that meant the most to me, as well as the things that everybody else said I couldn’t do, I had an irresistible, unconquerable, indomitable drive to succeed. I would just get to a point where I couldn’t stand having people think that about me, and I couldn’t stand the thought of them “winning” over me and convincing me that I couldn’t do the things I wanted to do. That just pissed me off.

So, I would pull out all the stops, put all doubt from my mind, and drive head-first into any storm, not caring what anyone said, not paying any attention to any detractors, not giving an inch in my pursuit for my goals. And I would drive through any and all obstacles that kept me from my goal. Because I could. I could do it. I could get there. I could succeed, by God, I could.

Now, when I think back on my life, I realize that a lot of things I’ve done over the years have been done for the sake of proving to others (and myself), that I could do something. I would take on challenges, not because they were something I genuinely wanted to do, but because they were things I supposedly couldn’t do. They were things that nobody else believed in, that nobody else thought I was up to accomplishing. And I would accomplish them with pretty impressive skill, if I say so myself.

The only thing was, once the challenge was conquered, I lost all interest in what I was doing, because the thing that kept me going was the challenge, not the ultimate goal. And even if the goal was still off in the distance, if the challenge was overcome, I would not complete the task to reach the ultimate goal.

And I’d end up with half-finished projects and half-attained goals — which ultimately add up to failure to complete — failure.

And my once-bright-and-shining glory would fade… and once again, I would be left standing alone in the construction site of my life, proverbial hammer in hand, other tools scattered around me, crowbar still hooked to the nail I was pulling out of that beam, just hanging there…

And once again, my success would sour into failure, and I would have confirmation, yet again, that I can’t.

The thing was — and this is actually a life-changing revelation for me — the problem was not my ability, the problem was my motivation. My drive to succeed wasn’t about me achieving a goal because I wanted that goal. It was about me achieving something that nobody else thought could be done. And once that source of motivation — doing the “impossible” — was over and done with, all motivation to keep on going was gone, baby, gone.

So, the source of that “I can’t” core belief was really contextual. For the things I care most about, that matter so much to me, that I really care about, my motivation always stays strong. Because it’s what I want to do — for myself. For my life. For my soul. Things like writing about my life experiences, taking care of my health and my personal relationships, pursuing the projects that I work on in my spare time… they are all so precious to me, so vital to me, there is no need for me to keep bolstering up my motivation, because I want to do them for the right reasons. They give me life.

On the other hand, my job — which has pretty much been just a way to make money to fund the other parts of my life, so that I can do them freely as I please — is another story. And it’s driven by that contrary, “Yes, I can do it – I don’t care what you say – just watch me” mentality that is directly connected to proving to myself and others that we are all wrong about me and my general ineptitude. It’s just about me proving a point, not actually doing something I care about and believe in.

So, of course after a certain point, that’s going to fall apart. Because there’s really only so much I can expect to gain from a situation that has nothing to do with my deepest values and that I’m really just doing for the money. And when that situation starts going directly against my deepest values, like the current job I’m in, then the clock is well and truly ticking. Proving “I can do it” in a situation where my accomplishment is going to literally trash the world I live in, is not my idea of success.

The thing I need to remember is that, when I start to back off on things that I’ve lost motivation for, it is not an indication that I cannot succeed at them. I am literally choosing to under-perform. It’s that simple. I’m not failing because I lack ability. I’m under-performing because I’m choosing to not apply my ability. And that’s usually for a pretty good reason. I just disengage and let the chips fall where they may — usually in some sort of disarray.

Of course, the problems start in my head, when I start listening to others telling me that my failings mean I am not good enough, or there is some fundamental flaw in me. That’s what they seem to think, without apparently stopping to ask if there might be a reason why I am under-performing… and if there might be a way that they can help turn things around. They don’t get it. They don’t understand. And too often the results are that I internalize what they’re communicating to me, and I get a completely wrong perception of myself. I get tired, basically, and then my filtering system doesn’t work so well.

See, that’s the thing — I get tired. I get worn out, and then my ability to think clearly and have an objective perspective is totally screwed. I get down on myself for not being able to think well when I’m exhausted. Well d’oh – of course I can’t. Who can? I have pretty unrealistic expectations of myself, sometimes, and it takes a toll. When I’m tired, I’m probably living at about 25% of my potential, which is no reflection on my true abilities and prospects.

It’s wild, now my self-perception is directly linked to fatigue and how I feel physically. This is something I am examining and learning about, more each day, and this is an important piece of the puzzle that is my life.

So, here’s the thing — that whole “I can’t” business is directly tied to a bunch of things — my motivation, how I feel physically, feedback from others, and my memory and distractability issues.

When I am aware of them all, and I am managing them actively, then I’m fine. I don’t get bothered by the whole “I can’t” thing.

• When my motivation is for something I really, really want to do that brings me to life, I’m good to go.
• When I am well-rested and not feeling sick to my stomach and I am feeling vigorous, I’m good to go.
• When I am actively screening feedback from others to block out the B.S. they send my way and make up my own damn’ mind about things (especially myself), I am good to go.
• When I am using my tools to deal with my memory and distractability and actively keep myself on track, then yes, I am really good to go.

All that being said, I have all of the above going for me today. So, off I go…

Onward!

 

Just updated – Communication Solutions for TBI

I just updated my section on Communication Issues – Trouble Being Understood in my Brain Injury Recovery Tools section.

If you’ve got anything to add that you feel is important or that you have found works for you, by all means, chime in!

How 90-second clearing helps

Here’s a picture of before and after I realized just how much 90-second clearing helps me:

This is what would happen before I could stop the crazy rush of panic chemicals:

Before – when my panic would get hold of me

Gray Zone

• Stress response to the thought of change – adrenaline, etc.
• Reduction in cognitive resources, narrowing, sense of danger, alert
• Escalation of stress response, based on sense of narrowing options, bad past experiences
• Fear / anxiety / dread mixture runs the show
• Chase back to how things are – get content, stay stuck

Before, I would escalate really quickly, thinking that I couldn’t manage, or that I was trapped. The stress response would trigger a physical reaction with me that would make me feel like I was blocked in and didn’t have a way out, and I would begin to panic. It didn’t matter if the change was something as basic as fixing a curtain rod that had come loose from the wall, or starting a new job. I would still feel it coming on and have the same catastrophic reaction. And because my own personal catastrophic reaction often involves involuntary crying, and I cannot stand to cry in front of people for no apparent reason, I avoided a lot of situations that I feared would get hold of me.

But now, I have a different way of handling things, and so far it’s working pretty well — when I remember to do it, of course

This is what is possible now, when I stop the escalation of stress chemicals and use my breathing for a minute and a half to calm everything down:

After – When I spend a minute or so clearing out the stress response and stop things from escalating

Yellow Zone

• Stress Inoculation Training, Stress Hardiness Optimization
• Ability to shift the physical experience by breathing and other coping mechanisms
• Clearing of stress response broadens options, opens thinking
• From fear / anxiety / dread into anticipation / engagement / hope

Basically, the difference is like night and day. The old storms that would come up don’t have to anymore. I have a way to calm them down and think more clearly about what is in front of me. And most importantly, I don’t feel like I’m hemmed in, simply because of a physical response.

My nervous system is wired to be, well, wired. It’s automatic with me. I’ve been trained that way by life. Now I need to train myself to be another way.

And so I am.

So what if it’s awful? That will change. No doubt.

The past couple of weeks have been pretty rough for me. Oh, hell, the past few months have been intense. Family issues, relationship issues, work issues. The whole gamut. And I’ve been feeling like crap, for the most part.

Pretty awful.

So what? It will change. I will change it. And that change starts with me actively amping up my responses to the events of my life in ways that I choose, and that suit me best.

One of the life-changing developments of my life, in the past while, has been using my 90-second clearing to take the edge off my anxiety, anger, fear, adrenaline rush. I learned about how stopping and breathing slowly will stop the downward slide and it gives me a chance to let the stress biochemicals in my system clear out – replaced by ones that are better suited to thinking things through in a rational and adult manner, instead of like the crazy person I can quickly become when I’m pushed too far.

I’ve been doing this 90-second activity for a couple of weeks, now, and it’s pretty amazing. And it shows me — up close and personal — how even in my most frantic state, I can get myself back to some balance. I don’t have to teeter on the brink of madness. I can take a bunch of slow breaths, step back, and turn around and head in a completely different direction.

Which is good.

It puts things in a whole new light. Because now, not only do I know that I can get myself back to feeling human again, but that generalizes to other parts of my life, and I can see how things can change so quickly. For the better. Or, even if they don’t get better, at least I can feel better, and when I feel better, I think better, and things can be improved.

Maybe not overnight, but I can at least make a start…. or, to be more accurate, make another start.

Some days it feels like I’m starting from scratch every single day. It’s weird — and a little wonderful at the same time. I believe it has to do with my working memory issues. I just don’t retain things really close to the surface of my memory — I have to revisit over an extended period of time, preferably with someone in the room. That’s where my neuropsych has come in, for the past four years or so — they’re someone I have checked in with regularly, once a week, to review my progress and keep me on track.

Well, money is short these days, and my copay went up, so I can no longer afford to see them every single week. I’ve switched to every other week. This is — again — weird and wonderful. On the one hand, I feel like an important support for my life has been removed; on the other, I feel like this is an important step for me, to be able to be more independent and draw on my own resources. I cleared out a bunch of old papers from my bookshelves this morning, and I found a lot of notes from my past sessions, and it’s remarkable how much progress I have made. Seriously, I have come a very long way, and I need to give myself credit for that.

Reading those notes is a little disconcerting — I can see how diminished I was, how limited I was letting myself be. But it’s also encouraging, because I’m not that person anymore. Not by a long shot. I think about how hard things were for me, once upon a time, and how awful they were, and I can see how much things have changed. So that is good. And it is encouraging.

The tough times I’m having right now are partly “withdrawal” from my weekly sessions, which have been safety valve for me. I’m adjusting and adapting and coming up with my own ways of releasing pressure and getting my bearings. It’s not easy. It’s very painful and confusing and fear-inducing. But so what? This will change. With practice and concerted effort, it will change. The tough times are also due to some real difficulties I’m having with my environment — and I know it’s not just me. I know it’s not just my attitude. The situations I’m in really do suck — by design by forces driving towards short-term maximum profitability, with long-term detriment to everyone involved. I have been stuck in this short-term frantic hell-hole of a workplace for almost three years, now, and it’s time to go. It just sucks so awfully, and I am simply accepting that as how things are — with a view towards changing it in just a few months.

These are all adjustments. Difficult adjustments. Problems with integration and assimilation — which should be problems, because when sh*t is f*cked up, well… sh*t truly is f*cked up. And there is no logical reason a person should stay in that situation, try to adapt to it, make it feel better, etc. I’m invoking Kasimierz Dabrowski now, who was a Polish psychiatrist who survived the Nazi and Stalinist eras and developed his Theory of Positive Dis-Integration (the “-” is mine in “Dis-Integration” because without it, the word to me means “dissolution” or “falling apart” in an internal sense, which doesn’t mean anything good to me). This theory states that people with high personal development potential, who are able to develop their own identities independent of the crowd, will necessarily go through some dark nights of the soul, as they develop and realize that they really don’t fit in with the crowd, and indeed they should not.

This dark night that people experience is often diagnoses as a form of depression which should be treated – or it’s seen as a disease that has to be cured. Our standard-issue popular response to people who don’t fit in and don’t cotton to the pressures of the “normal” world, is to pathologize and/or medicate and/or institutionalize this state of mind, rather than working through it and seeing it as a sign that there is something more this person can — and should — be experiencing in their life.

That’s kind of where I’ve been for the past while — being keenly aware of how effed up things are around me, seeing the part that I’ve played in making all that possible — how I’ve enabled people to screw me over… how I’ve undercut myself with poor habits and lack of discipline… and most of all how I’ve numbed myself to the raw facts of things not being as they could be, simply by “changing my perspective” and looking at things from an angle that allowed me to make them all right, while ignoring the angles that showed that things were anything but right… and of course seeing how not managing my TBI symptoms and after-effects has made me a lot less effective and with-it than I could have been all along.

Probably the hardest thing to stomach has been realizing how I’ve made things harder for myself, by zoning out in a state of bliss that blocks out any pain or discomfort. I’ve been able to put myself in a state of bliss — total physical, mental, spiritual ecstasy — for many years, now, and I’ve been using that to dull the pain that comes from my everyday life. I also know how to direct my focus to one thing — and one thing only — effectively blinding myself to the troubles at hand. Because I’ve been able to do this — total focus and ecstasy without drugs — I’ve been able to keep myself from falling apart. But I’ve also been keeping myself from coming in full contact with my life and seeing clearly what needs to change.

I’ve been in a lot of pain for a long time, and I’ve managed to find a way to get my own relief. At the same time, that ability to cut the pain and block it all out has held me back from making the kind of progress I really need to make.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I do think that things have been so intense and potentially overwhelming that I have HAD to block them out and dull them. I fall apart over little things way to easily, and I have to stay functional. It’s been useful. And I do think that after the years of teetering on the brink of collapse, post-TBI, I needed to normalize and get to stable footing, which is where I am now.

So, in a way, this pain and discomfort is a good thing. It’s a sign that I’m ready to head to the next level and do some more great work, refashion my life, and do away with the things that keep me from living the life of my design. When I can sense the pain, I can take action and move away from it, thus living up to my potential. But when I cannot sense pain, well, I’m destined to be stuck with it for as long as I can tolerate it. Intolerance is a good thing, no matter how awful it feels.

Yeah, I’m intensely discontent and I’m in pain. Good on me. It’s a positive sign that I’m alive and ready to do something different with my life. Do doubt.

Onward.

No, stress is NOT all about our interpretation of TBI…

There’s more going on here…

So, I have some time to catch up on some reading, and I just came across a stress management consultant with many years’ experience coaching and counseling, who says “the source of all stress is the subjective meaning we attach to events”. I won’t say who it is, to protect the not-so-innocent.

Okay, that’s fine. I get that to a certain extent. Stress can be a killer — and it is, for many, many people. And the subjective meanings we attach to events can indeed add to the stress of our lives.

Here’s the thing, though — when you look at stress from a broader point of view that includes the physical part of life as an integral part, things start to be a whole lot less clear-cut. Or maybe they become even more clear. Because over time, you can build up a lot of physiological stressors which contribute to your overall stress levels… to the point where it doesn’t really matter how bright and shiny and positive your psychological outlook is — you feel like crap, and that stresses your system… and it also impacts your frame of mind (which is now inclined to look on the dark side, for reasons it cannot cognitively identify).

Even if you can get your mental, spiritual, and emotional stresses down, if you don’t have a handle on your physical stresses, there’s only such much progress you can expect to make.

Take for example, this scenario, which shows the relative stress levels of the four different areas over a time span that has a lot of the usual stresses we experience on a daily basis: trouble with the boss, re-org at work, $$$ worries, health problems, marriage troubles, promotions, raises, recovery, family problems.

Even if you do manage to cut down on the mental and emotional and spiritual stresses of your eventful life, you can still have a buildup of stress in your body that, if not dissipated or reduced in some way, will still keep your overall stress levels high.

Even when everything is going great.

Now, with a situation like TBI, where all of a sudden, sh*t is all effed up for no reason that you can explain, something as simple as making breakfast or getting ready for work can be a huge physiological stressor, because things that used to be so simple for you — like buttoning your shirt or combing your hair or getting milk and cereal to end up in the bowl instead of on the counter — aren’t going so well, and it’s just one surprise after another… one little “micro-trauma” after another, getting those fight-flight juices flowing like never before.

On a daily basis — and this is what a lot of folks fail to understand about TBI — you can experience hundreds of these little surprises, which pump up your adrenaline and alternately make you high as a kite and downright depressed. It makes you seem/feel bipolar to those who are fond of that label, and it keeps you on high alert, just trying to make it through the day trying to do all the things that used to come so easily to you, but now require a different sort of attention.

And those stresses add up. The biochemicals keep collecting in your system, by default. Because you have to stay ON, to keep from falling off. And you end up on constant alert, a perpetual first responder to your own personal mini-disasters… which may not be that big, objectively, but seem bigger and bigger and bigger because, well, you’re really pretty tired from all the adjusting, and that adrenaline and ephinephrine and norepinephrine is actually making it harder for your brain to learn the new things it needs to learn.

Which is yet another source of stress… which has next to nothing to do with how you look at things.

Now, I’ve talked with neuro-rehab folks who were of that same philosophy — that the thing that gets us into trouble with our stress levels is the way we interpret what’s happening to us. And I agree, to some extent, that interpreting everything along catastrophic lines raises our stress levels and is a big culprit in frying our systems. At the same time, people seem to be overlooking or discounting the role that the body plays in all this — in the role that physiological stressors play in our lives. It’s NOT all about how we look at things and the meaning we ascribe to what happens. It can be just as much — sometimes even moreso — about the physiological burdens that we have to deal with.

Does our mindset affect our physiological stress levels? Absolutely? We can flood our systems in an instant with a reaction of our choosing. Can our mind reverse physiological stressors on its own? I’m not so sure. I think the body needs to be directly involved to do that to the fullest.

All this being said (and I wish I could say everything that’s in my head, but I’m still a bit foggy from the past week), I think that any stress management program needs to incorporate the body. Actively. On purpose. As a full partner in the whole process. We need to use our bodies to move all that biochemical sludge along. Can you say lymph?

And I also want to say that I don’t think that stress is necessarily a bad thing. It’s the long-term effects of stress that do the job on us. I personally believe that when we develop ways to discharge the effects of stress and use the energy for good instead of evil, we can build up a sort of immunity to the downsides, and stress can actually become a vital and productive part of our lives. Rather than being something to dread and try to control and “overcome”, stress can be our friend. One of our best friends, in fact.

I have friends who would cringe to hear me say how much I love stress. But I can’t help it – I do. I really thrive on it. The thing that gets me in trouble is when I don’t allow myself enough recovery time from tough stints. I also work in a stupid job that is constantly stressful and doesn’t let you stop moving for a minute, so that’s another effing culprit. I work at a very high, fast pace, and I can get pretty intense. I get a ton of stuff done on a regular basis, and I enjoy it. I’ve figured out how to be ultra-productive after years of experimentation and trial-and-error, and it works for me. I just know how to get sh*t done. And Stress (capital “S”) is a big part of that. So removing stress from my life — rising above it, overcoming it, keeping it within “liveable levels” — is the kiss of death for the parts of my life that I love the most. Hey, I’m a jock, okay. I want to run faster and lift more and be stronger… It’s in my nature, so if you take that away or diminish it or talk it down, then you’re hacking away at my innermost core and you’re pulling the rug right out from underneath me.

The thing is, I know what a toll all this can take on me. It gets me hurt. It ruins my life. I burn out  in a very big way. So, I need to find a middle ground that lets me keep going, without heading right off the cliff.

Nowadays, what I’m working with — especially with my 90-second clearing — is letting my energy spike, then bringing it back down, consciously, to restful levels. I push myself hard for a period of time, then I stop, slow it down, get myself out of that frantic mindset that drives me forward, and put myself in a calm, relaxed state that actually feels really good.  For me, it’s not the pushing hard that does the number on me — it’s not having a rest/recovery period to let it all sink in and integrate. I’ve been recovery-deprived for a long, long time. Only in the past few years have I actually learned how to relax and feel good. And only since I learned how to feel good while relaxing, has it truly become clear to me that my continued growth and improvement depends on recovery as much as it does on testing my limits.

It might even depend more on it.

For my money, one of the most important things anyone recovering from TBI can do, is figure out how to get to that sweet spot of emotional/spiritual/mental balance, where it’s possible to feel physically good. If you don’t know how to get there, and you don’t get there on a semi-regular basis, your recovery is going to be hampered. You’re going to stay amped up on fight-flight biochemicals, and you’re not going to learn as well as you can, when you’re able to relax and just enjoy yourself. Feeling good doesn’t have to even be a huge deal — if you can just manage it for a few minutes a day, and remember what it feels like to take the edge off, that can help. Absolutely positively. But if you never figure out how to get there, and you find yourself unable to relax and settle into a sense of being OKAY, I predict you’re going to have a tough row to hoe.

And we don’t want that.

Anyway, it seems I found the words I was looking for.

Bottom line is, as much as some folks would have us think that it’s our interpretation of events that does a number on us, rather than the events themselves, I have to respectfully disagree. The stresses and physical reality of dealing with one surprise after another, having to pump yourself up to keep going, and having to constantly be aware of ways you need to shift and change, can be physiologically stressing in ways no change of mindset will reverse.

We need to recognize the role the body plays in stress, and find ways to address our physiological stressors, so that our minds can relax and we can learn the lessons we need to learn.

It’s all a process, of course, and an imperfect one at that. But if we pay attention and keep an open mind and realize that 9 times out of 10 we are unconsciously deluding ourselves — and then take corrective action, we just might get somewhere.

Onward

What went wrong, what went right

Lose some… and win some too

So, I had an interesting vacation with my family, last week. I took some time and traveled to visit the folks we hadn’t gotten to see over the holidays, when both my spouse and I were sick and could not travel.

It was an interesting mix – a lot of things got screwed up, but a lot of things went really well.

What went wrong:

1. I was helping my parents with their gardens. My father asked me to connect the hose to the spigot on the side of the house and join together two lengths of hose, so he could water his new lettuce and beets and onions in the back garden. I managed that, no problem. But when it came time to reconfigure the hose, I got completely confused. He asked me to 1) turn off the water at the spigot, and 2) disconnect the two hoses at the center, so he could attach the one nearest him to his rain barrel in the back.  Simple, right? I thought so, too… until I turned off the water and then proceeded to try to unscrew the hose from the spigot. The hose was screwed on tight, and I had to go get a rag to get a tighter grip on the coupling. It wasn’t until I got the coupling off — after many minutes of sweating it out — that I realized that I wasn’t supposed to disconnect that  – I was supposed to disconnect the other end of the hose from the second length. As so often happened when I was a kid, my father was futzing around with something or other in the back, impatiently waiting for me to figure things out. Eventually I got it right, but only after getting it wrong the first time — and using up a lot of time doing the wrong thing right.
2. I lost my prescription sunglasses. I have no idea where they are. Last I remembered, they were in the side compartment in the door of my brother-in-law’s SUV. I called to ask if my in-laws had found them, but no dice. My very expensive prescription sunglasses could be gone for good.
3. I left the gas on in my in-laws’ house. Anybody could have made the mistake, really, but the fact that it was me, really freaks me out. It’s not the sort of thing I generally do. But I was so tired and out of it… Basically, one of the knobs on the gas stove was broken. My in-laws don’t have a teakettle – they use a coffee maker – and I needed to make a cup of coffee. So, I used the stove and a saucepan with water in it. The first knob I tried turned on, and it was fine. But I couldn’t figure out how to turn it off. There was a steady flame, even when I turned the knob to the “off” position. I finally got it to turn out, and I thought everything was okay. I didn’t smell gas, and neither did my in-laws when they got up later. But then later, we went out… and when we came back, the kitchen smelled like gas, and my brother-in-law had to turn off the knob, which was screwy. For the record, I friggin’ hate gas stoves. And I hate coffee makers. And I hate having to heat water on a stove. Luckily, the house did not blow up when we came in and turned on the lights. I think there was enough of a cross-breeze to ventilate. But still, it’s not a great feeling, to leave the gas on in your hosts’ house.
4. I couldn’t sleep. I got between 4 and 6 hours a night. It was really rough, and I’m still struggling with my sleep.

Now, for the things that went right:

1. I got to spend some good time with my folks. Not as much as we’d been hoping to, but still it was something. I got to see their gardens, and I got to just be there with them, even though tensions were high with some health issues that family members have been having. I’ve been hearing all about how terrible things are going, from people who were sharing news. But when I got there, it seemed to me that people were actually handling things pretty well, under the circumstances, so it wasn’t all a catastrophe.
2. I didn’t lose it over misplacing my prescription sunglasses. I went out and got myself some clip-ons that actually fit my regular glasses really well — and also look better than my prescription ones, which I bought with a whole paycheck, about 23 years ago. As familiar as they had been, and as much as everyone always told me they liked them, it was a pain in the ass to have to have two pairs of glasses on me, at any point in time. I need sunglasses way too much and way too often and under too many different circumstances, to enjoy switching between regular specs and shades, every 15 minutes. This way is much easier. And I also like not having to worry about losing or damaging what I’ve got – if these shades break, I can always get new ones, no problem.
3. I didn’t lose it over leaving the gas on at my in-laws. True, it’s a pretty embarrassing (not to mention dangerous) situation, but unlike before, this time I did not let it take over my life and turn me into a wreck. In the past, I have gotten completely derailed by things not going right, or screwing something up, and I’ve retreated into my shell to “protect” the rest of the world from me and my screw-ups. This time, I felt like crap for about 6 hours, then I let it go. I apologized profusely, and then got on with just living my life. That, my friends, is progress.
4. I managed my fatigue pretty well. I laid down and took naps when I could. I took it easy and didn’t push myself too hard. I could really tell just how tired I was (and I can tell I still am), and I acted accordingly. I didn’t just push through for the sake of pushing through. I was flexible. I pulled over and slept, instead of keeping on driving through, when I was so damned exhausted. I hate being that tired, and it has a negative impact on me, but at least I didn’t let it wreck my time.

So, things weren’t perfect – far from it. There was the usual family tension and the usual frustrations. There was the expense of traveling and the time I lost from projects at work. But overall it was a good time, and I’m glad we went. It will take me days to catch up with myself, but catch up I will. I’ve got a good open schedule ahead of me in the coming weeks, and I am honing my approach to my job search and skills building, narrowing all the things I am planning to learn and practice, so I don’t overwhelm myself.

One thing about intense fatigue, it forces me to make choices, to rule things out. When I’m energized and feeling “up”, I tend to take on too much, I don’t pay attention, and then things get screwed up. But when I’m tired, I focus more, I take more time to double-check my work, and ironically things tend to turn out better. I still feel like sh*t, but at least I’m the only one who’s suffering.

Tutorials for dealing with TBI

Dealing with TBI takes a team effort

Dealing with TBI can be hugely confusing and frustrating. There is so much information out there – some of it conflicting, some of it duplicated, a lot of it outdated (and never updated on the web, because people stop updating their web pages). So, finding useful information that cuts to the chase, that’s practical, and offers more than just a marketing promotion can be a challenge. Fortunately, there are such resources out there. Project LEARNet is one of them.

Project LEARNet, which is “A Resource for Teachers, Clinicians, Parents, and Students by the Brain Injury Association of New York State”, has some great tutorials on Common Issues for students after TBI. Don’t let the focus on kids / students deter you – these are great resources for anyone who is seeking to better understand TBI. Check out the tutorials here. They are downloadable PDFs that you can print and take with you – great stuff!

All Project LEARNet Tutorials
1. Assessment Issues
2. Cognitive/Academic Issues
3. Self-Regulation/Executive Function Issues
4. Behavioral Issues
5. Social/Emotional Issues
6. Family Issues
7. Physical/Medical Issues

It is so rare to find a concentration of truly helpful information in one place. Also very useful, for anyone seeking to better understand TBI, is their page on Problems Seen after TBI. You can read about them here and then follow the links for more information and specific tutorials. They cover many different bases on their “Problems Seen” pages – general medical possibilities, cognitive/self-regulatory, behavioral, and social/emotional possibilities for the source of the problems.

If you’ve got these issues – or you’re dealing with someone who does – this is a great place to start.

Again, don’t let the focus on kids/students dissuade you. This is good and useful information and it can be of great help to just about anyone trying to figure out WTF?! after TBI.

Brain Injury Resources Updated – general info and Behavioral Stuff

Modulate… modulate

I have been meaning to do some more work on my Brain Injury Recovery Tools pages. So, this morning, I did. There’s nothing like doing something for someone else, to get you out of a funk. There is a lot that I need to add to this tools section. I don’t think it will ever be “done”. There is a lot of information that I need to find. And there is a lot of information that I need to screen out, because it’s a thinly veiled advertisement for services. Brain injury issues are so pervasive and so problematic for so many, it just makes sense to pull out everything I can find — in my files as well as my bookmarks and favorite sites — and post it. It’s also helpful for me, too, because I tend to forget about this stuff and overlook that I’ve got some pretty great resources available right in front of me.

I just added a few links on the “different flavors” of brain injury page for overview information and resources on ABI, TBI, Stroke, and Concussion. There is a ton of information out there to sort through, so I’m trying to keep it pretty simple and just list overview stuff. Folks with more time (and probably more patience) than I can Google away and see what else is out there. One of the biggest problems with finding information is that there’s just so much… and often the information that’s there is funded or outright provided by commercial interests, such as rehabs or healthcare providers. That’s the case with some of the ABI resources I found. But at the same time, they do have some interesting videos and some useful links, so I figured I’d include them and hope for the best.

I also added to the Behavioral Issues page – a few links to Impulsiveness issues, courtesy of Give Back LA. The Give Back material has helped me tremendously over the years, and it’s well worth reading — and re-reading. Here’s what I added on my Impulsiveness page:

• For Survivors: Managing Impulsive and Inappropriate Propitiate Behavior – check this out for some great survivor info from Give Back LA — Summary: Nothing produces more interpersonal problems than impulsive behavior. It is the behavioral trademark of head injury. Impulsive behavior can be controlled much of the time if you anticipate doing it and prepare for it. Strategies can be very effective if they are planned out ahead of time. You can get even more control by role playing the situation ahead of time.

• For Family & Caregivers: Managing Impulsive and Inappropriate Behavior – check this out for some excellent caregiver information from Give Back LA — Impulsive behavior–actions not thought through–probably impacts your life and your loved one’s more than any other deficit. Impulsive behavior is what embarrasses the family in public places and social gatherings. It is why adolescent siblings and old friends don’t want to be seen with the survivor. It is the source of so many kinds of inconsiderate behavior, words or actions produced without any awareness of how you will feel or be affected…

I really want to add even more, and I will. I just don’t have a lot of time right now, and I need to get on with my day. I’ll need a nap this afternoon, as well as a lot of stamina, as I’ve got weeks of procrastination to make up for. But I’ll make up for it. And I will get my nap.

Onward.

Back to some productivity

You betcha

Wow, I can really tell I’ve been away. My head is in a whirl, thinking about a ton of different things, not staying “on point” very well. I have a lot of chores and errands I need to do today, to get myself and my house back up to speed, but I’m scattered. And I’m not sleeping well. The trip really took a lot out of me. It’s going to take me a while to get back.

I met with my neuropsych last week, and we discussed how I’m doing and where I’m at — after my last set of test results, which came back great, they’re feeling pretty good about my situation… as far as they can tell. I did mention, however, that things have been less than rosy in a number of different areas. In the past few years, I’ve been hounded by creditors, threatened by lawyers, dragged into court several times, had a close call with a suspected cancer scare, I’ve been dissed and demoted at my job, cheated on by my spouse (who is making increasingly bad decisions in their life, I’m sorry to say), betrayed by “good” friends, had a few run-ins with police, my money is at an all-time low just as I have house repairs I need to make, I can’t sleep for shit, and I have had a ton of physical pain.

My neuropsych is actually unaware of most of this. And they got a bit upset when I mentioned dealing with lawyers over money, the other day. They asked if I was keeping things from them. It’s not that I “keep things from them” — well, maybe I do — but I just can’t deal with all the processing around such things. It’s way too overwhelming, and when I discuss things with people in person, it usually gets me even more confused and turned around, and it keeps me from being able to just handle things. I guess I’m too independent for that.

I’m also a very non-verbal person, when I’m not writing in this blog. Most of my problem-solving for Really Big Deals takes place with visuals and pictures and non-verbal / spatial conceptualizations — I have a very clear view of how I’m going to do things, step by step, and that view is spatial & logistical, not verbal. When I try to put it all into words in conversation, it’s just too confusing for me, and it blocks my progress. I can never articulate exactly what I am thinking and feeling and experiencing, and it ends up sounding lame — like I’m just complaining.

I also have a hard time discussing things while they’re happening – I need some space from them, to get my head around them and understand how I feel about them. Otherwise, I get overwhelmed, and I end up shutting down or breaking down, neither of which is helpful for me. So, when I talk about Reall Big Things, it’s usually after the fact. It’s just how I am. It’s not a trust thing. It’s logistics. So my neuropsych can quit being so sensitive and feeling left out. They just need to let me do what I need to do, and provide support and feedback only for what I want to bring up.

Yeah, my life is way more eventful than it “should” be. It’s way more eventful than I would like it to be. Oh, well.

Not that I’m complaining. On the contrary. Things are sh*tty, but I feel good. And I think that because my mood is good and my ability to function and my self-confidence have all improved vastly over the past several years – especially since I started this whole tbi recovery process – they think that things are much better than they are.

Objectively speaking, if you look at things from a certain angle, they actually suck bilgewater. A lot of people I know would be totally traumatized by the stuff that’s going on with me. And I don’t think my neuropsych has the first clue that so much is falling to pieces with me. I just haven’t talked about it much because I can’t wrap my head around it, and I’d rather just soldier through than process it and discuss. It would take 20 hours a week to sort through it all, and I just don’t have that kind of time.

But on the other hand, if you look at things differently, everything is good – excellent – very hopeful (!). I have a ton of great prospects, I’m engaged in my life, I’m learning, and I’m not thrown off by all this stuff. Not completely, anyway. I’m hangin’ in there, and things are progressing. I’m like an action figure / folk hero. At least in my mind Nothing valuable comes for free. It just doesn’t. I reckon, I’m getting what I pay for.

Plus, after a really intense bout of depression the other night, I decided to just say f*ck it all and give up … for the time being. Just quit trying to make everything turn out a different way, and pray more. Maybe start going to church again. I don’t know. I felt like sh*t, the other night, but I knew it would pass. I would get some sleep. I would wake up the next morning feeling different. I would get back into my routine. I would continue to brush up on my skills. And I’d just friggin’ let go of stuff I can’t control and seem to “handle”.

It worked, pretty much. I went to bed. I didn’t get nearly enough sleep – I’ve been waking up at 4:30 like clockwork, lately, even if I just get in bed at 11:30 – and I felt like death warmed-over yesterday. And my frame of mind was better, but not stellar. But screw it, at least I got myself up and out in to the day. And I got a lot done, actually. That “giving up” business actually helped a bit. And despite the knee-deep manure I seem to be wading through at any given point in time, I’m hopeful. I’m cheery. I’m optimistic in a blithely pessimistic sort of way. My expectations are quite low. So when things go right — as they often do — it’s a wonderful surprise and a pick-me-up.

My state of mind notwithstanding, at least I’m on my way back to my regular routine now. Nothing is perfect. My life is a work in progress. And all this brouhaha has helped me develop a high tolerance for crazy crap happening all around me, so I don’t get completely derailed by it. I have a plan for moving forward. And I’m following my plan. So, it’s good. It’s fine. Some things really truly suck in my life, but I don’t feel like talking about those things right now. I’m going to focus on the good things. And get on with my life.

Onward.

Stopping the bad stuff before it starts

A storm was brewing…

Signs of progress… Yesterday, I was pretty worn out after a long day of work. I was supposed to leave for my vacation in the afternoon, but I had too much to do, so I ended up working through the evening to at least make a dent in what was happening with work.

After that, I got into the beginnings of a very familiar argument with someone over a topic that’s very touchy for me. Things have been tense for over a week, since the Boston Marathon bombing, which injured some friends of friends and had everybody at work talking and stressing… talking and stressing…

No matter where you are, these kinds of events can really take a toll on your mental health, and I was a little worse for wear yesterday — between not getting to leave for vacation on time, having to rush to fix all kinds of stupid sh*t that got screwed up because somebody at work didn’t want to do their job, and feeling pressured by my family to spend time that I don’t have, visiting them… and (had I mentioned?) working like a crazy person all day.

So, when this argument started, I could feel the familiar rush of indignation, getting upset because I “know better” than the person I was getting into an argument with. They were making unwise choices about their health, not taking care of themself, and then getting all tweaked because they have health issues. Uh, d’uh — you eat crap, you don’t exercise, you have no apparent regimen in your daily life, and then you complain about not being able to do things you used to do, and you’re freaked out about illness and getting sick and coming down with diabetes or a heart attack… without ever doing anything about it. I get so frustrated with this individual, whose behavior seems to have no connection with what they actually want to have happen in their life. It’s maddening.

And of course, I know better.

I started to get really tweaked over it, getting angrier and angrier with them over what they were doing and saying and how they were acting. Then it occurred to me — I’ve had this exact same argument with this person for years and years, and it never gets resolved. We just get pissed off at each other, go our separate ways for a bit to cool off, then get back in touch as though the whole thing never happened. There’s never any resolution, because they think they’re doing things right, making choices that make them feel good in the moment but which have been shown by tons of medical evidence, to do them harm in the long run. All they know is “the now” and all they really strive for in their personal life is to be “present in the moment”.

Yes, it sounds insane to me — trading your future for the sake of the now — but that is their perspective, and in all the decades that I’ve known them (they’re one of my longest friends), they have never felt or acted or believed any other way. And the times when they did have little health scares, they were back to their old ways, as though they’d never had the scares.

But as I sat listening to them, I could feel myself getting more and more tense, feeling myself really stressing over it… while they just carried on talking about things as happy as a clam. And when I said something about being concerned for them, they snapped at me… and I could feel that old argument coming on again. I noticed that in my own body, my head was starting to feel tight and pressurized. And my heart was starting to pound. I was starting to sweat, and my thoughts were starting to repeat over and over the same arguments and concerns I’ve had for years — like they were a dog chasing its own tail. I was getting really uptight, really stressed, and I was on the verge of flipping out at them — as I have often done in the past.

But I stopped. I stopped the downward spiral, I stopped the dog chasing its tail. I knew I was tired from a long day of working. I knew I was upset about not being able to leave on time for my vacation. I knew my patience had been running thin since about 10:00 that morning. I knew that where I was going was NOT a good place to be.

I also remembered what I’ve heard and read in a number of places — the average emotion lasts about 90 seconds. Its biochemical “recipe” gets into our blood — and then can get flushed out in less than two minutes. If left to its own devices without any kind of intervention on my part, it will dissipate and disappear. I don’t have to do anything, if I don’t much care for the experience — just breathe and let it go its own way. On the other hand, I can choose to feel something different and let that get into my system for a longer period of time.

So, if I’ve got 90 seconds to work with, that gives me a choice — I can either dive into whatever I’m feeling and get all worked up and bent out of shape, like I have countless times. Or I can distract myself (I’m very good at that), breathe, let my system chill out, and NOT have the same shouting match that has been the buggaboo of this friendship since almost the beginning.

So, last night I chose the latter. I distracted myself. I just sat there quietly while they talked, and I didn’t get into it. I was upset at first, but after a little while that feeling dissipated and I started to feel sane again. The dog stopped chasing its tail. The tension and pressure in my head relaxed. And even though I was still irked by what they were saying and doing in their day-to-day, that feeling didn’t “own” me the same way it usually does. I was able to tell them what I felt and how I was feeling, in a sane person’s gone of voice… and then let it go. I didn’t get into the blame, the fear, the anxiety, the frustration. I “went there” for a little bit, last night. But then I let it go and did something else with my attention. I stopped the flash flood of emotions before it got started.

And you know what? When I didn’t fly off the handle and yell and criticize and attack, the person on the other side of the discussion could actually hear what I was saying. They could actually get that I was concerned about their health, that I was worried about how much money they were spending on junk food, and that my frustration and anger came out of concern for their health. It wasn’t about me trying to shame them. It was about me caring about their well-being and wanting to see them have a better life and do better with themself.

And it helped. Last night could have kicked off a really shitty vacation for me, starting me off on a foot that started with a blow-out, me not being able to sleep from being so friggin’ tired, having my chemistry out of whack, and having yet another instance of an impossible argument that never gets resolved.

I can’t say I’m that encouraged by my friend’s choices. And I can’t say I’m that optimistic about their long-term health and happiness. But for me, at least I didn’t drown in a flood of emotion that just swamps me and makes me feel really, really terrible. When I get that upset and blow up, the biochemical residue stays with me for days and drags me down, making me depressed and wiping out my self-confidence.

Today I don’t have that problem. And my friend doesn’t have to go through their day with the memory of yet another one of my blow-ups. Today I get to start fresh. Everybody does.

Onward.