A good day… sort of… I think…

Today was a good day.

I think.

So far, anyway.

I’m actively looking for work, right now, after taking a little over a month off for the holidays. I’m finding that dealing with people — especially co-workers — during the holidays is just too much for me to take, these days. I can’t stand the hurried pace, the rush, the frantic-ness of it all, not to mention all the issues that people at work have around their families, their emotional issues, their holiday trauma-drama… It’s just so tiresome, and my coping skills could really use some improving. So, until I get/feel better this time of year, I’ve taken to checking out from Thanksgiving through New Years.

This is the third year I’ve done this. I’m a consultant, so I can adjust my schedule accordingly — work like a dog for 10-11 months, bill all the hours I can get my hands on, then take the last month of the year off. It works for me. It’s much better than getting overloaded in December and then acting out. That just wasn’t working with me. Plus, after my re-injury at the end of 2004, I just had to quit the the holiday season wholesale, to take care of myself (and spare the world from my outbursts and social uneasiness).

In the months after my fall over Thanksgiving of 2004, I became increasingly non-functional in tight spots at work — with no clue why. I became a real problem at the office, what with my temper flaring and socially inappropriate outbursts around co-workers and my concentration shot to hell and my impulse control and emotional extremes all over the map. Unfortunately, I didn’t know why it was happening to me… all I knew was, I couldn’t function around those “a**holes at work” anymore (I won’t tell you what they thought about me!), and I had to make some choices. After enduring a grueling year of real struggles with myself and others, I realized at the end of 2005 that it just wasn’t working, that combination of holiday stress and my mental/emotional situation (tho’ I didn’t realize I was dealing with a TBI at the time).

So, I decided to just quit. Take the time away from the office. Stop working. And it was great!

I have to admit, I was pretty nervous, when I first “dropped out” at the end of 2005. I am a workaholic by nature, and the longest I’d ever gone without work in nearly 20 years was 2 weeks. So, being away from an office and a client for longer than 10 working days was a whole new thing. But it was a good thing. And when the New Year came around and I had brand new clients in 2006, I realized the sky wasn’t going to fall if I wasn’t working 51 weeks out of the year. So, I did it again in 2006. Took six weeks off between Thanksgiving and New Years. And I did it again this holiday season.

Now I’m back in the job market, looking for clients. Sending out curriculum vitaes. Quoting hourly rates. Hob-nobbing and networking and schmoozing, oh my! I’ve had some good nibbles, but I’d be a lot happier if things were nailed down.

That will come. Some of my leads are very strong, and I’m feeling positive. I never mention TBI when I deal with clients. That’s not the sort of thing I feel comfortable telling people as a consultant. As a full-time permanent employee, it would make sense to tell my employer that I’ve got this disability, since the ADA was created to protect people like me/us in such a situation. But as an independent consultant, there’s just no way I’ll ever breathe even a hint about my TBI background to prospective clients.

My job is to make their lives easier, not more difficult, and throwing brain injury into the mix is not something that makes their lives easier… or my life, for that matter.

Still, a part of me pines for a full-time job that lets me be protected by legislation passed to help people like me. I’d love to be able to show up at an office and know that there are laws in place to keep me from being preyed upon, persecuted, exploited, and treated like a second-class citizen by ignorant boobs. It might take some of the pressure off.

Maybe if the independent consultant gig gets too dicey, I’ll look for a gig like that. But for the time being, while I’m still of sound mind — well, mostly, anyway 😉 — and body, I’ll keep billing at my professional services rate and retain my freedom.

Today was a good day. So far. Good progress.

Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

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