I’m not sure what’s going on with me, these days, but I have been hearing just about everything around me much more acutely and loudly and with a lot more detail, than I recall in the past. Listening to the radio, I hear all these different aspects of the music that I normally don’t… I hear the individual instruments in the background, all of them in distinct detail… to the point where it doesn’t even sound like a single song, anymore, but a group of instruments each playing their own part.
It’s very trippy. I keep thinking I’m hearing my cell phone go off, but it’s electronic background melodies and harmonies of the songs I’m listening to.
I’ve been hearing my cubicle neighbors really clearly, too, which is fine, except that they’re driving me nuts with their conversations about their trivia calendars. I try to listen to music with headphones on, but somehow their conversations bleed through. I like the people I work with. A lot. And it irritates me that I’m so irritated by them.
I haven’t been much fun, lately.
I’m coming up on my 4-year anniversary of my most recent tbi (I fell down a flight of stairs a few days after Thanksgiving in 2004), and I haven’t been sleeping very well. I try to relax, I try to chill out, I try all sorts of things. But I haven’t been able to really REST, which is a problem.
When I’m tired, everything gets amplified around me. My vision, too. All the colors look brighter. The sounds are louder. The tastes of things I rarely notice are now very noticeable — like the candy bar I was eating the other day — I could taste every major ingredient, and it occurred to me that the chocolate wasn’t the highest quality.
Which is weird. Because I’m not a real candy connoisseur. But I noticed the relative quality of the chocolate.
If I drank, now would be a good time to impress people with my palate for fine wines. But I don’t drink, so I guess that leaves me with candy. Oh, well. The price we have to pay 😉
People seem to think I’m depressed. And the other day someone hinted at whether I might be thinking about ending it all. That really bothered me. WTF? Of course not! Just because I’m low, these days, doesn’t mean I’m planning to check out! Don’t get me wrong… the thought has crossed my mind in the past… especially at times when I realized that the net worth of my life insurance policy was greater than my living worth, and I was feeling like I was letting my family down by not being a better provider. But those thoughts pass. Seriously. I’m not a danger to myself. Am I protesting too much? Perhaps, but no, I don’t want to kill myself.
Not when I’m finally figuring out what’s going on with me and I’m getting help! Fer Chrissakes, it’s taken me 40-some years to get to this place, and I’m not about to just check out because I’m feeling low.
Besides, I feel as though I’ve really been divinely spared a lot of terrible things in my life. Things that went badly for me could have gone a whole lot worse, but they didn’t. And I hung in there, and they got better. When all is said and done, that’s really my whole life philosophy/strategy — just hang in there. Things change. They either get better or they get worse, or they go both ways at the same time. But you never know when things are going to go in your favor, so why not stick around and find out what happens…?
It’s not the most sophisticated or complex philosophy, but it works for me.
Now, if only my hearing would change. Seriously, it’s driving me nuts, hearing every little thing. The sound of the keys clicking as I type is not just the usual clicking. I can hear my fingers making contact with the plastic of the keys, I can hear my thumb brushing along the space bar, I can hear the keys depressing and then clicking against the keyboard base… and the wiggling of the keys has a weird clicky plastic sound that’s very “reedy” and faint. But it’s there.
I just heard my furnace kick in, which is good. It’s getting cold, these days, and heat is good. I hear cars driving on the road near my house, whooshing down the hill as they head into the woods… I hear the baseboard heat kicking in… and the distant sound of a radio playing. And of course there’s the ringing in my ears. Tinnitus they call it. I call it constant.
“Ringing” is the wrong word for it. It’s not ringing. It’s a constant high-pitched whine that has an almost metallic quality to it. Beneath the high-pitched whine — like a huge honkin’ mosquito always hovering beside my ears — there’s another tone… lower, fuller… again, always there. I’ve had this since I was a kid — when I was a teenager, it used to drive me NUTS!!! I couldn’t stand it!!! But oddly, I got used to it.
It’s really never gone. It just varies in intensity. And when I’m tired and my allergies are acting up, it gets way out of control. The weird thing is, it doesn’t keep me from hearing everything else. It’s like it’s in a different “space” that I hear in… always in the background, but never keeping me from hearing every other sound on God’s good earth.
Well, I know I’m tired, and it’s been a long day, and I have a doctor’s appointment in the a.m., when I’m going to discuss some of my concerns with my pcp, who I actually really like. My doc has got a good manner, and I feel comfortable talking things through with them. I need to do a reality check about some things I’ve been noticing… to make sure I’m not in imminent danger. It sounds serious(?) and it might be. But I won’t know, till I check in.
And it’s definitely tbi-related, so I’m actually looking forward, in a way, to getting to the bottom of the mystery.
I’m being cryptic, I know. I’ll write more later, when I know more. Later
Yes, I’m tired. And overtaxed. I really need to chill for the evening. Eat my supper. Go to bed.
Then go to the doctor and get on with my day.