I wish my therapist knew… I need more help than regular folks

First, let me say, I really like my therapist. They are insightful, patient, kind, and they  let me just say what I need to say, without getting alarmed.

But they don’t know about brain injury, and there are some things I wish they understood.

Like the fact that my brain doesn’t work like other people’s brains, and the assumptions they make about the source of my problems may not be accurate.

Specifically, I was talking last week about a relationship that’s very close to me, and they started talking about me being “codependent” with this person. Okay, first off, I’m brain-injured. That means I need to depend on others for things that regularly functioning people don’t have to. I do not necessarily have the capacity to be fully independent in all things. I’ve tried it in the past, and it didn’t work.  Even when I thought I was being independent, I was doing a piss-poor job of it.

Take, for example, the six months or so that I lived all alone, back in 1990. I’d broken up from a long-term relationship that wasn’t working, in February 1990, and then I got into another relationship with someone who was a pretty good caretaker, then got into drug and alcohol abuse, and I had to leave them, too. From about June until November, 1990 (when I met the person I’ve lived with pretty much ever since) I was on my own, taking care of myself and my apartment, going about my regular business. I was making art, drawing, sculpting, making pottery, writing, living my life… you name it. Things were pretty good, and I was doing a passable job of taking care of myself.

On the surface I was, anyway.

What most people couldn’t see, was that i wasn’t taking care of myself properly. I didn’t keep my place very neat, I didn’t eat right — I ate mostly rice and beans and steamed carrots and peas. I rarely ate a balanced meal. I didn’t go out much at all, but stayed inside and wrote and drew and listened to the radio. I had a very limited range of motion, and I wasn’t able to cultivate many friendships. I was employed for a while, then I had to leave my job and start temping because of physical issues that arose from me not taking care of myself. I was smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, and I was living in a constant fog and daze, unaware of what was going on around me, going through the motions without realizing that was what I was doing.

When I think back, I’m amazed I did as well as I did.

Then I met the person I’ve been with since then, and things started to turn around — here was someone that was able to interact with the rest of the world, whom I could “cue” off… I could follow their lead and watch what they did, and imitate their manners and get by. This person was so lively and social and so popular and in-demand with everyone them. They knew how to make people feel safe and valued and secure and happy… they were exactly the kind of person I wanted to be like. And when I followed their lead and behaved like they behaved, then I could experience life like they did, which was a much brighter and more vibrant way of living than my own. And I could buy myself time to figure out what was going on around me, by following their example and satisfying basic social requirements that others expected me to fulfill.

Writing this for others to read, it might sound like I’m just a shell of a person who just runs around and imitates others to get by. And in a way, it’s true. Left to my own devices, my range of motion in the world is so dramatically limited — I don’t feel comfortable out in public, because it’s so overwhelming for my senses. Given a choice between doing something productive and sitting motionless for hours, my brain will choose the latter. Given the choice between interacting with others and writing 100 pages of repetitive “insights” about an hour of my day, I’ll go with the writing. Given the choice (at the end of the day) between eating a full meal that takes an hour to prepare, and snacking on crackers and goat cheese, I’ll choose the snack.

It’s not that I don’t value myself. It’s not that I’m sucked into a relationship that’s compromised by codependence. It’s that I’m in a relationship that makes room for my dependence.

Calling me “codependent” makes me feel deficient. It makes me feel ashamed. I need more help than other people to do the kinds of things most people just take for granted. Given the choice between the normal thing that takes a lot of effort for me, and the irregular thing that my brain can handle without undue stress and strain, I’ll opt for the latter — and I’ll never realize there is anything wrong with it. That doesn’t make me bad, it doesn’t make me flawed. It doesn’t make me a basket case. It means I’m dealing with the limitations of a brain injury — a hidden disability that others have no idea is there, and they have no idea about the extent to which it affects me. Even I don’t fully realize it, most of the time. And people who jump to conclusions about me being psychologically compromised because of behavior that is brain-injury related really need to study up on anosognosia, before they start judging me and my life choices.

I’m realizing more and more each day, that I’m having a lot of trouble with the terminology that’s being used with me by my therapist — codependent… denial… shame… trauma… It feels to me like things that go hand-in-hand with brain injuries, are being interpreted as psychological/emotional issues…. and they get interpreted as things that I can change at will. As things that a little self-awareness and psychotherapy will solve. My question is, if an issue has neurological roots, how can a brain that’s been impacted be expected to fully grasp and deal with what’s going on with it?

It could be that I am never fully independent. I never have been, as much as I’ve wanted to be, and I may never turn out that way. But I don’t see why I need to be judged for it, or urged to be something I’m really not.

Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

2 thoughts on “I wish my therapist knew… I need more help than regular folks”

  1. You just described my life, I’m exactly like you and no one seems to understand what I’m going through right now. I’ve tried to talk to people but it’s hard for me to even explain how I feel. My whole life I’ve followed people copying what they do to fit in and its been working until now I’m 19 years old, I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life I feel like my brain doesn’t work like everyone else’s i don’t know how to have a conversation with anyone unless I’m on a computer so I have time to think about what I’m saying. Ive been through devastating events growing up but I dont think that’s the reason why I’m like this. I’ve been contemplating sucicide a lot latley it just feels like it would be an easier way out. I don’t know if you’ll actually get this or if you even know what I’m talking about but your the first person I can actually relate too. Is there a way to fix who I am? I never think clearly, I don’t know whats wrong with me and it’s driving me crazy. I have a lot going for me but it’s all falling apart I’m use to having everything handed to me maybe that’s why I can’t think for myself.. I don’t know, I have a million questions about why i feel like this but no one has any answers, so please if you can help I’m desperate

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  2. Hey Dean,

    I really hopeyou get this before you do anything you can’t undo.

    I’m witing this on a little tiny keybaord somy spelling may be bad.

    I totally hear what you are saying about being alone and misunderstood. The ironic thing is, a lot of us feel this way, sothe thing we have in common keeps us apart.

    You have the computer to help, and it has helped me a lot as well. It is a strength rather than a weakness, and you have that at your disposal anytime. What I have found is that the times when I feel the most down and useless are when I am actually in a psoition to make a real positive change in my life.

    You might see from my blog that I gave up on therapy, and it has helped me a lot to get away from it. There are too many reasons to explain right. ow but the bottom line is, I stopped looking under every rock to find out what migt be wrong with me and started focusing on what was rigt with me. That made all the difference in the world. I also talked to some people who had the same kinds of experiences as me, and we all decided that we were okay the way we were, and that the rest of the world was the one with the problem.

    Check out Kasimirz Dabrowski’s theory of positive disintegration. Your crisis might actually show that you are doing better than you (and your therapist) think.

    Stay strong, eat right, get good sleep and hang in there. Things can get better.

    BB

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