I’m doing myself a favor, today, and doing some job-related work. I am usually working on something or another, and today (while I do other things), I’m running some programs on my work computer, so I have less to do tomorrow. And I don’t feel so far behind.
I have been falling behind at work. I don’t like it, and it’s not making me happy. So, I’m doing something about it. Ironically, what I’m doing is the exact opposite of what others are encouraging me to do — take it easy, don’t do too much, take time off for myself, etc. They don’t want me to get too fatigued. They don’t want me to get in over my head. And they certainly don’t want me to work if I’m not getting paid to do it.
The thing is, not working is worse for me than working. Because I’m feeling the pressure of unfinished work, and it’s messing with my head. And I also hate being so far behind. It’s actually harder for me, if I don’t do the work in advance of the week.
Also — and this is key — because I need to take more frequent breaks, and because I tend to get turned around, I can’t really do the old 9-to-5 work schedule of yore. It’s just not enough time. I need to break up my days into chunks of work and chunks of rest, so at the end of the day, my 9-to-5 work day actually holds only about 6-1/2 hours of productivity. It has to be that way, or I get completely overwhelmed and then I’m really behind.
So, I just extend the work I do, and I break it into smaller chunks. I look at the list of things I need to do, and I break them down into smaller, more manageable pieces, and then I do them bit by bit, in my ‘off’ hours.
This makes folks in my household a bit nervous, as they think that I’m a workaholic and “all I ever do is work!” But it’s not true — I’m breaking down all the things I have to do, to remain a viable employee into bite-size chunks that are not difficult to do at all. And when they’re that small — for example, like looking over a piece of code or reviewing some document or previewing some features I’m supposed to add to a program I’m writing — they’re actually enjoyable. And I feel good getting them done.
I have progress to report on Monday morning, and that makes me feel really good about myself.
It also doesn’t exhaust me, like trying to cram everything into my 9-to-5 schedule does. That’s just too taxing. I’d much rather spread it all out, take my time, and be able to enjoy myself while I’m doing it.
Now, if I can just get my family and my therapist and all the folks around me who want me to “take it easy” to understand this and get off my back. What’s worse — extending my “work day” a little bit and actually getting some stuff done and keeping my job… or “taking it easy” in the name of coddling myself, falling behind, and making me a liability to my employer/group?
That’s literally the choice I have. I choose the former. I have to.
Thinking about my developing coping mechanisms, I must say that I’m none too impressed by the people who advocate slacking off and limiting my activities, for the sake of my well-being. Maybe it’s because my MTBIs are in the past, and I’ve developed coping mechanisms to deal with them, as well as healed up from a lot of my most immediate issues. Maybe it’s because people don’t understand the nature of mild traumatic brain injury and they just assume that once you’re brain injured, you’re permanently and irreversibly screwed. Maybe it’s because that’s how they would deal with things. Maybe it’s all of the above. But if one more person tells me, “Oh, you need to just relax and take time for yourself,” I think my head is going to explode.
Let me set the record straight — I have a tremendous amount of energy, and I need to use it. When it’s not properly directed, through productive activity and/or exercise, I become very difficult to live with, at times dangerously so, and I don’t feel good about myself. I feel like a failure, and I have the diminished productivity to substantiate it. I need to keep moving. I need to be active. I don’t respond well to languishing for long hours. I just don’t. I’ve got what my neuropsych calls “constant inner restlessness” that propels me forward, and if I try to stop it, I’m just screwed.
For me, being active and doing things that challenge and entertain me and produce some tangible result is taking care of myself. It is relaxing. Yes, fatigue can be a problem for me, but when I break up all my activities and go about them in a piecemeal fashion, I can fit naps in between times.
There’s not much in-between gray area for me — I’m either all-on, or all-off, and I’m sick of fighting it, just because other people aren’t that way. Let them walk a mile in my shoes, then decide if I should live my life like them. I’ve been thinking long and hard about the directions I need to take with my life and my work, and what I come back to, time and again, is that I just have to work harder now. Because I’m not willing to give up on the kind of work I do, I’m not willing to part with the learning and the doing and the tangible results I get from my type of work, but I can’t keep going about it the old way — as in, just working during the appointed hours. I have to work smarter and harder. And I need to do it with joy and intention and simply refuse to give up. I may need to make some changes to my approaches — focusing more on machine-oriented work, rather than people interactions… getting away from startups and enterpreneurial situations and gravitating more towards big, established companies…. But I’m not giving up on my software engineering or technology. It just has too much to offer me.
I understand that my brain has been changed by multiple injuries. It may have developed “wrong” from a very early age. But by God, I just can’t bring myself to throw in the towel, “adjust down” my expectations about what is possible for me. I can’t live a marginal life, sheltering myself from possible difficulty. I need to be out there, engaged in my own life, making my own way in the world. There are lots of people out there who are a lot less smart than me, who are doing okay. There are lots of people out there who have less acumen, less social ability, less determination, and they’re doing their thing.
Why shouldn’t I? As much as I’d like to play it safe and keep to myself in my corner, I realize that this is not true safety at all. If I have to learn by trial and error (which I always do – and there are plenty of trials and more errors than I care to think about), then so be it.
So I fall… But I also bounce.
Now, back to work!