Shoring up my reserves

It’s been a really rough 24 hours. I finally got to a breaking point, and melted down in a huge screaming/crying jag last night. I just ended up pushed over the edge by my fatigue and exhaustion and being overloaded by a lot of extra issues, including homeowner concerns — maintenance, upkeep — and health problems.

My newest concern is not having adequate dental coverage. It’s a huge added stress in my family that I know I need to rectify. Dental bills can run into the many thousands, as Judge Sonia Sotomayor can attest (she’s got $15,000 in back dental bills according to her personal financial records), and it doesn’t feel good, even in terms of hundreds of dollars. I’m not over my head in hock over dental bills, at this time, but I could get there quickly, and I need to arrange for coverage, so I don’t get to that place.

But the prospect of doing that drives me nuts. I get so turned around and confused by all the information, and then I never know if I’ve made the right decision, and I’m afraid I’ll end up paying all this money and making decisions that can’t be reversed very easily. I know I need to keep my head on straight about this and not panic. I just need to figure out how to do it, map out my plan, and do it. But I haven’t been able to manage that. I’ve just been kind of marginal, lately, and I haven’t been able to get a lot of the things done that I need to.

So much of this TBI business really is about having adequate resources to deal with what life throws my way. Whether it’s learning new things at work, handling odd jobs around the house (which I’ve been lagging at, too),  or arranging for medical/dental coveratge, how rested I am, how involved I am, how strong I’m feeling all have a huge role to play. And my resources have been slowly but surely eroding away, over the past while. I haven’t been sleeping well for months, now, and that makes it difficult to handle much of anything. My temper’s short, I don’t get the things done that I need to, I tend to push off all but the most exciting and interesting activities (which means I push off about 85% of what I’m supposed to be doing), and I have trouble learning and processing information.

For a while, there, I was pretty intent on keeping my sleep deficit to a minimum. But then I got sick of having to live such a limited life, always going to bed at a responsible hour, sleeping a full 8 hours (or at least 7), and being very deliberate about everything I did.

How boring!!! I didn’t want to have to tip-toe through life, always anticipating everything I did and said and thought, and adusting my behavior to be nice and acceptable. Plenty of other people wing it, and they’re fine. And I’m sure a lot of people out there have sustained TBIs and don’t even know it. Does that stop them? Not always. Sometimes… maybe lots of times… But it seemed to me — and it still does — that life is a messy prospect, at best, and in the end I’ve always been more of a creative bohemian type, even if I am a software engineer, so I’d much rather enjoy my life and be flexible and keep up my activity level and have a good time and do things that interest and uplift me, instead of playing it safe all the time and being so careful about every danged thing.

It was such a relief, to just stay up past my 10:00 bed time and watch a good movie till the end, without needing to watch the clock. It felt so good to just get up first thing in the morning – around 5:00 or so – and futz around with this personal resources management program I’ve been designing. It felt so great to not be tied to a schedule, to not force myself to be on some hour-by-hour time-clock, day in and day out. Maybe that works for some people, but it doesn’t work for me. It works for maybe a few days, but then it starts to break down, and my self-management techniques turn out to be more of a burden than a help.

Of course, I’ve found out the hard way (again…) that I can’t keep driving and driving and driving myself. Even if it’s all fun(!) I need to pace myself and give myself time to recharge. Last night, I headed off to bed at 10:30, and I got to sleep around 11:00. And I slept till about 6:00 this morning. Seven hours is the longest I’ve been able to sleep in weeks — I usually clock in around 5 or 6. I don’t know if it’s that pineal cyst that’s throwing me off, or it’s my stress level, or it’s my pacing during the day.

I know I’ve been spending too much time, late in the evening, on the computer. My diagnostic neuropsych tells me that computer screens emit light that is very similar to daylight, so our bodies think it’s day, and they need to wake up. That could explain why sitting down to my laptop in the evening always makes me feel better. And it could explain why I have a hard time winding down later in the evening when I log off. I know I need to change that. It’s not like I don’t have anything else I could be doing. Relaxing is a lost cause with me — I’m also in a lot of pain, these days, so unless I keep my mind busy, I am in a lot of discomfort. But I can find other things to do that relax me, don’t get me all charged up. Things like washing dishes or folding clothes from the dryer. Things that need to get done, boring or not.

It could also be that I’m so tired, I can’t rest — which is what happens with me. I have to do something extra-ordinary to drag myself (kicking and screaming) into slumber. Left to my own devices, I’ll just keep going…

I think this weekend is going to be a Benadryl weekend. I don’t have any outside commitments that are overly demanding on my cognitive abilities, so I’m going to just take the drugs and sleep as long as humanly possible.

With any luck, by Monday, I’ll have gotten at least a little bit back on track.

Advertisements

Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

One thought on “Shoring up my reserves”

  1. BB – look at these two sentences….

    I’d much rather enjoy my life and be flexible and keep up my activity level and have a good time and do things that interest and uplift me, instead of playing it safe all the time and being so careful about every danged thing.

    It’s been a really rough 24 hours. I finally got to a breaking point, and melted down in a huge screaming/crying jag last night. I just ended up pushed over the edge by my fatigue and exhaustion and being overloaded by a lot of extra issues, including homeowner concerns — maintenance, upkeep — and health problems.

    The misperception we have is that we are enjoying ourselves when we push ourselves, that we are living more fully, that we are ‘being who we are’ and not damaged — but the reality lies in the second sentence – pushed over the edge. A ‘non-tbi person’ would look at what you said about dental plans and thing ‘huh?’ – that’s not a crisis, dental plans are the easy stuff. But I do get what you are saying and why this happens – only its not the dental plan but it’s that there are 1000 things that are demanding your attention, your focus, and they are dull and detailed and your thinking feels like ballls of mercury on a mirror.

    But no one is saying you can’t watch a movie or stay up late – but it’s not a good idea to do it alot because it will wipe out the ‘fun’ pretty quick.

    Look I know this planning stuff feels like you are trying to bend your mental elbow in reverse direction – I don’t do it either, I muck it up all the time – even now – BUT okay, so you start again – and make sure you build into your schedule goof off time, time for staying up late or pushing yourself at a personal project WITH TIME THE NEXT DAY TO RECOVER. ANd if you don’t feel like doing the cool down time then put a big sign up on your mirror with the above quotes.

    Sometimes I find it helps me with directions and information if I have someone that I am trying to explain it to, a ‘detail paperwork’ buddy. That’s one of the things that rehab place does in part. Sometimes when I talk out the issues it gets clearer for me.

    But again – I know from whence you come – I HATE the fatigue I constantly feel – I was always a very high energy person and could accomplish so much but now my brain just shuts down and fries if I want too much. It is very very very frustrating. I feel like i need to move to Planet Slow in order to function successfully. ARGH !

    Hang in there.

    Like

Talk about this - No email is required

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.