Maybe it’s just the summer, but I haven’t been getting much of anything done, lately. My fire to accomplish at work has faded considerably, and I’m sort of slipping into the doldrums. I’ve been starting out the day with exercise, which is good… but a funny thing is happening, now that I’m waking up more in the a.m. It seems that that old edgy drive has dulled considerably, and while I’m not as prone to hounding myself over every little detail, I also don’t feel particularly called to Get Things Done.
Is this what it feels like to be “normal?” To not have constant agitation? To not be perpetually on edge over some indeterminate goal? I wonder…
Well, anyway, at least I have been sleeping more, lately. I’m learning how to relax. It sounds odd to me, to say it, but I have had to learn how to relax — doing deep breathing, teaching my body to let go of the tension it’s holding, counting breaths, letting my muscles relax, allowing my body to be supported by the bed, when I lie down to sleep. Such a simple, elementary thing… that I couldn’t do very well at all, until a few months ago.
Well, at least there’s progress…
Actually, come to think of it, I have been getting a lot done — just not in that old frantic-stressed-harried way that used to drive everyone around me nuts. I’ve been doing some reading on neurofeedback therapy, trying to get it straight in my head — the different brain wave patterns, etc. I suspect there may be ways to do this on my own, without needing to seek out expensive therapists who don’t take my insurance. Well, we’ll see.
I’m not feeling particularly driven to pursue it. It would be interesting to know more, but I can wait. There are lots of other things I can do to occupy my attention quite well — some of them having to do with making a living, which is something I mustn’t neglect, no matter now relaxed and un-motivated I am.
Now, if I can just find a way to get the intense ringing in my ears to stop. It’s been particularly loud and obnoxious, and it’s been going on for days, and it’s driving me nuts.
I probably just need to sleep.