But what do I really want to do?

I’m in a quandary. The job I’m in, while a step up for me, is not going… it’s just not. Leadership at work is being swapped out, and there’s a full-on political war brewing. The body count is starting to rise.

I don’t think I’m up to the skirmishes, frankly. I’ve been on the receiving end of some pretty vindictive crap, lately, driven at least in part by the fact that I’m actually getting things done, while others are simulating effectiveness. And they seem to think I’m making them look bad.

But in other ways, I’m not quite living up to my promise. I have been having some trouble finishing things I start, and the disparity between what I say I’m going to do, and what really gets done, is a little stark at times. It’s tough, because there is only me working on my projects. I have no team, I have no teammates, I have no support. And the project I’m in charge of is incredibly unpopular in certain camps.

One of the big problems I’m having, is that I just don’t have my heart in this work, anymore. The company morale is very low, people are unhappy and in-fighting, and there doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of this tunnel. The work I used to love to do, has become a chore, and it’s a shame. Because I love the work. I do it on my own time, in my own way, because I love it. I do it a lot, and I don’t get paid for everything I do for this company. Hours upon hours of work… for the sake of the work.

I’m really feeling boxed in. I want to love what I do… again. I want to love it because I love it, not because someone else tells me to do it. In a way, I wish I didn’t have the stuff I love be part of what I do for a living. Making it part of my job — a job I do for a company that tends to mistreat me and everyone else working there — sours the experience, and I’m left feeling resentful and angry… when I’m doing the work I love to do most.

Sigh… I guess I need to look for a new job. I actually did some searching today and found a couple of possibilities. Polished my resume and sent it off to a couple of really good co’s in the vicinity. We’ll see what happens. All I know is, something’s gotta give, and it’s time for me to move on. I’ve taken this ride as far as it can go, and it’s time to look into other options.

I’m sure it sounds strange, that I’m talking about going out and finding another job in this economy, but if you know where to look and you have the right skills (which can be learned for free, by the way), you needn’t lack for work.

What do I want to do?

Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

4 thoughts on “But what do I really want to do?”

  1. BB,

    Sorry to hear about your job woes. It is tough in a curious way mixing what you love with what you DO – when it goes bad, that is. I often felt the same way working in documentary TV, where stupid is as stupid does really does apply a lot of the time. And when morale goes south . . . whew! Nothing worse! And nothing can make morale go south faster than bad management! And it makes it harder when you’re working on your own, with no one to back you up, share the pain etc . . .

    Well, I wish could offer you some concrete advice but you know my situation. Would it be possible to work for yourself for awhile? Or at least, since you have the skills, go somewhere you’re appreciated. A bad job atmosphere can really creep into the rest of your life. If you don’t have to put up with it – why do so?



  2. Yeah – thanks – am looking now. Sent off a couple of resumes yesterday, and will keep looking. Waking up early (again) today, I realized that my issues are compounded by some severe dysfunction at the place — it’s not all about me, and the fact that I’m having trouble there actually speaks to my relative health 😉

    That’s my story, and I’m sticking with it.

    Change is never easy, even positive change. And when you’ve got several hundred people devoted to the status quo and willing to violently defend it with their lives, well, there’s only so much you can do.


  3. A few thoughts:

    #!. At this point in time NEVER leave an existing job until you have another well in hand. I do not care how many in demand skills you have – this marketplace is completely unpredictable and age and experience can actually play against you.

    #2. Even if you get another job offer tomorrow it may not be wise to take it. Now is the time to create a thoughtful plan of action. Focus on your strengths (and not the present company’s failings), what vision of yourself do you have, what are you really good at (and not just what you are bad at), what do you need, what do you want (are others dependent on you, do you care about money – and be honest to what extent). Would regular travel be a hard thing for you? Do you like working at home part time? Or do you think that the structure and regularity of an office helps you? Really spend some serious time examining the things that WORK for you, that your traits and the company / work traits.

    #3. What would you be willing to give up to have the ideal job? WOuld you live simpler, move, would you accept a salary 50% lower if it meant you had free time to develop your own project or company? IS the stress of uncertainty too daining on you or can you live for another 5 years not knowing if you will be able to suceed independently? How much debt would you be willing to risk/incur? ALL jobs have trade–offs and it is helpful to know what you think is important. You may discover you guess wrong on this but that’s okay, you need a place to start.

    #4. Do you feel better knowing that you are giviing back or do you just want technical freedom? Do you want small and close or big with opportunity. Again, recognize that each of those has trade-offs = prioritize them and recognize that it’s nigh impossible to just jump into an ideal situation.

    I have worked free lance, in corporate America and in start-ups, for profit and non-profit, widgets and social actrion – and I have found idiocy, foolishness and politics in all of them – seems to come with people.

    It’s good that you recognize some of your weaknesses – and you are the king of compensation and overcoming. One of the good things about finding a steady place is that you can develop yourself over time, get meaningful feedback and have the data you need to make the changes. If you move around a lot it makes it harder to determine what is you and what is them.

    Just a few thoughts…..


  4. Check



    and Check

    All these things are burning questions in my mind. And no, I never ever leave an existing job unless I’ve got something set and lined up already.

    Thanks for the thoughts.

    In any case, it’s good to brush up the resume, look around online, and see where I need to improve.

    Plenty of opportunity there 😉


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