My neuropsych is away this week, so I didn’t have a regular meeting to debrief the changes I’ve been going through. Work has been really good, but home life is extraordinarily difficult. Money problems will do that. We’re going through a lot of changes around me not being willing to sacrifice everything I have and am for the sake of others.
All my life, I’ve always put service ahead of my own survival, but in the past few years since I realized what a toll it’s taken on me — and I realized why it’s been that I’ve been so willing to put myself in harm’s way — I’ve changed a great deal in this respect. I’m just not willing to cut my own life short for the sake of the team anymore. And that includes my “home team”.
My spouse is going to have to figure out if they’re going to stay with me. They say they want to, they don’t want to leave. But they have been talking about moving in with friends. I really don’t know what to think. We just don’t have the kind of money they want for all their activities, and they’re struggling at finding work.
It’s not as if we’re the only couple in America with this problem, but it feels big when it’s this close to home.
Not to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I’ve got this great new job, which I am really getting into. The people are good and are getting used to me. The work is engaging and keeps me on my toes. And so far I’ve been able to interact pretty positively with most folks.
They just need to get used to me and my odd ways. Nobody needs to know why my ways are odd. I work in technology. Most people around me have odd ways. So, I keep under the radar, and it’s fine.
It really is.
But it seems like it takes for friggin’ ever for things to sort themselves out.
Driving home from work today, I had to stop and marvel at how … normal… my life has become. It’s really something. Not at all what I’ve been expecting, or even used to. All that old drama crap running in my head all day long. Now, it’s quite low-key, inside my skull. Compared to how things used to be, well, this is a change.
Outside my head, things are all in a whirl, in no small part because I’m not so busy keeping track of my crazy brain, that I have no bandwidth left to pay attention to what people are saying or doing to me.
I’m standing up for myself. Not doing it so well, a lot of the time, but still learning.
And that’s something.
But it just seems to take forever.
I’m too tired for this right now. I’m going to bed.