It just seems to take forever…

Source: Robert Thomson

My neuropsych is away this week, so I didn’t have a regular meeting to debrief the changes I’ve been going through. Work has been really good, but home life is extraordinarily difficult. Money problems will do that. We’re going through a lot of changes around me not being willing to sacrifice everything I have and am for the sake of others.

All my life, I’ve always put service ahead of my own survival, but in the past few years since I realized what a toll it’s taken on me — and I realized why it’s been that I’ve been so willing to put myself in harm’s way — I’ve changed a great deal in this respect. I’m just not willing to cut my own life short for the sake of the team anymore. And that includes my “home team”.

My spouse is going to have to figure out if they’re going to stay with me. They say they want to, they don’t want to leave. But they have been talking about moving in with friends. I really don’t know what to think. We just don’t have the kind of money they want for all their activities, and they’re struggling at finding work.

It’s not as if we’re the only couple in America with this problem, but it feels big when it’s this close to home.

Not to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I’ve got this great new job, which I am really getting into. The people are good and are getting used to me. The work is engaging and keeps me on my toes. And so far I’ve been able to interact pretty positively with most folks.

They just need to get used to me and my odd ways. Nobody needs to know why my ways are odd. I work in technology. Most people around me have odd ways. So, I keep under the radar, and it’s fine.

It really is.

But it seems like it takes for friggin’ ever for things to sort themselves out.

For real.

Driving home from work today, I had to stop and marvel at how … normal… my life has become. It’s really something. Not at all what I’ve been expecting, or even used to. All that old drama crap running in my head all day long. Now, it’s quite low-key, inside my skull. Compared  to how things used to be, well, this is a change.

Outside my head, things are all in a whirl, in no small part because I’m not so busy keeping track of my crazy brain, that I have no bandwidth left to pay attention to what people are saying or doing to me.

I’m standing up for myself. Not doing it so well, a lot of the time, but still learning.

And that’s something.

But it just seems to take forever.

I’m too tired for this right now. I’m going to bed.

Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

5 thoughts on “It just seems to take forever…”

  1. Yes, impatience with change. It isn’t enough that it is changing in a more self-affirming way — why isn’t it THERE now! Have you experience with mindful meditation? Can you look at your moment to moment and laugh with the cosmic humor of trying to make it happen faster?

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  2. Hmmm. Mindfulness. I do look at my moments, but that mindfulness doesn’t seem to circumvent my annoyance and agitation with it all. It’s something I’ve been wrangling with for a long time. I’ve been doing mindfulness meditations, on and off, for as long as I can remember, but it always feels like one step forward, one-and-a-half steps back…

    Somehow, just being aware doesn’t always do it for me.

    Any ideas?

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  3. It can take a very long time, all that resistance to serious change. We get used to thinking of how it should be, what is expected, looking to improve to be better. It can be the hardest thing to accept, smile, smell the ambiant air, taste the moment, and enjoy the dance. Not saying I’ve got it anywhere near down. Just, you know, bit by bit, easing the attention from some goal or guilt to simply feeling into a gentler frame.

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  4. Oh… such an exhilarating and scary place all at once. Wishing you the best as you continue to find your firm footing! Well, didn’t that sound like something from a line of recovery greeting cards?

    You’re doing great.

    Like

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