I am slowly but surely driving myself crazy. I am feeling depressed and low and forlorn. All the world feels like it’s pitted against me, and I feel like I’m slipping farther and farther into an abyss. I feel like I’m behind at work, I’m not meeting my deadlines, I’m saying/doing things that make people uneasy, and I’ve been ultra-edgy, the past few days.
This really sucks. I’m glad my spouse wasn’t around this evening — I had a little breakdown about the time I woke up from my nap. Over what, I can’t quite remember. Something about career disaster.
Now, I know I’m tired, and I know my mood takes a nosedive when I’m fatigued. I also know that the past three days — no, wait, the past week — has been extremely full — with change, new faces, new information, etc.
Despite needing to take it easy this weekend, I burned the candle at both ends. And now I am seriously overloaded, and I feel like I’m coming down with a cold or something. Ugh. I’m drinking my nasty “cold season tea” to head it off at the pass.
All the work was for good reason, mind you. I’m on deadline, and tomorrow is a hard-and-fast date I have to meet. No alternatives. I’ve missed a number of deadlines already, and it’s turning into a pattern I need to turn around. I must deliver the goods by tomorrow — but since I did so by this afternoon at 12:30 or so, I should be good. Have this nagging sense of “what’s missing?” however. I hate this.
Regardless of my best intentions on Saturday morning, the weekend ended up taking a big bite out of me.
And my head has been nudging at me, whipping me into a neurotic frenzy. It’s telling me I’m a screw-up and a slacker and I’ll never amount to anything, and if I have any sense, I’ll run away to Uruguay, which I read about over the weekend. Apparently, you can live there for very cheap. And you don’t even need to know Spanish. It’s getting cold here. I think the summer is starting there. Uruguay might be just the ticket for me, actually. Hmmm…
What is this world inside my head coming to? I had the house to myself this weekend, and I isolated with my work, didn’t get out much, and now I’m feeling both wired and weird. Good grief.
I want to run away. Seriously. The new job scares the crap out of me, and I’m convinced that everyone hates and resents me and they are out to get me. This is not good. I’m being silly and I know it, but I’ll be damned if I can stop these little “tapes” in my head that keep reinforcing all the crap that’s accumulated over the years.
This is not me.
These are feelings, not facts.
I'm being ridiculous.
Hey – wasn’t I supposed to have fun this weekend and kick back and relax? In a way, I did — I took care of all that programming for my work, which is something I enjoy doing. But even fun in large amounts puts a strain on the system. And I was really haulin’ ass there, for a while. Now I’m feeling the effects.
I’m feeling positive, though, about what I got done. I just hope my coworkers don’t hold it against me that I worked over the weekend. They say it makes them look bad, and they give me crap. But I had to get the stuff done. Sometimes working weekends is the best way to go. Especially when you have a highly sensitive deadline… in another 15 hours.
I think the only sensible thing I can do at this point is head off to bed shortly.
So I shall.
And now for something that will make just about anyone feel more normal (or at least less abnormal) — http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/
Read it and weep — while you’re rolling on the floor laughing your ass off 🙂