Things are looking up, which is why I haven’t been here much. Not that I’m only using this space to vent and complain and find fault — I’ve just been really busy with really good stuff, and I’m just now coming up for air.
The job is good — extremely busy, and leaving me feeling like I’m constantly behind, but still good. The pace is blistering, which helps to keep me out of my head. It is also forcing me to take a really close look at how I do (and don’t do) things, which causes me to be either less effective or more effective.
I’m learning to be effective.
Funny — I feel like I should know this stuff already, like I’m perpetually behind, and everybody else knows things I don’t. But as it turns out, though that may be partially true, I know a lot of things other people don’t, too, so together, we get it right at least part of the time. I’m learning to give myself space and allow myself to learn. And for those things that I’m certain I used to know about, I’m allowing myself to re-learn them in a different way. Things like being part of an overall team, contributing to the whole, and maintaining my composure in tough times… these are the lessons I have to re-learn, and while it’s frustrating feeling like I to have to start from scratch with things that used to come so naturally to me, I’m giving myself the room to really experience the learning. Before, being a solid, stoic rock who could hold up in the face of any challenge came naturally to me, and I didn’t have to think about it. Now I really have to work at it. As long as I don’t get too tired, I can deal.
And so I do.
On the personal level, I’m dealing, as well. Things have not been easy at home, and the end-of-year family get-togethers have begun. I handled myself extremely well, this past weekend, when my parents came to visit. The old ways of relating to them, which were fraught with tension and conflict, simply didn’t happen this time. I know how my parents are, I know their political and religious views, and I know what to expect from them. Rather than getting upset at them not being different, or being hurt over their behavior, I ‘ran the show’ inside my own head, and I took time-outs and breaks when I needed to slow down and not get caught up in that antagonistic dynamic.
I recognized when I was getting tired, and I recognized when I was getting agitated and restless, and instead of getting all “backed up” and judging myself over it, I let myself be and reminded myself that it is normal for me to become agitated and irritable when I’m tired, so I should just step away and not let myself go down a road I’ve been down far too many times.
There’s more to tell, but I’ve got to get going to work.
I’ve been gone for a little while, but it’s been for a very good reason.
Cheers.
Broken Brain - Brilliant Mind 
You keep your blog updated a lot by most standards. I don’t turn on my home computer every day and do not surf the web from my work computer. We could get in huge trouble if we get a virus.
I am glad that you are doing good. It seems that you are intune to how you are feeling and can label how you feel. I have read that it is very important to recognize emotion and that helps one to handle it.
You say how things once came so easily to you. That reminded me that I wanted to tell you about a friend that I knew from a Church group. I had known her for quite a time and was surprised to hear that she had been in a severe accident. I think she had to relearn a lot of things. She was going to the University and had worked hard to get her writing up to what I think she said was a 12th grade level. I believe that she said that she was a National Merit Finalist. From her injuries, she was able to relate to people with learning disabilities in a way that she never did before. She married during the time that I knew her. Although I never saw it, she did express that she had mood swings or something to that effect. She seemed so normal to me. She was a pretty girl and did not have any coordination problems or residual effects as far as I could tell. To tell a little about myself, I did go on some outings about a week ago. Some of the outings were my routing 8 week outings give or take a change of venue for lunch here and there. The other was a trip to my cousin’s home. She has lived there for some years and I felt bad that I never went to her house although I have been invited. She is my closest cousin. I went to take a belated birthday gift. I am not saying that the day is without incidient. As time goes on, I do often have good memories of things. I have good memories of family outings that may have had pain that was strong at the time that has faded. However, I do not think my having a good time justifies going places when in my mind there is danger. I just hope people are right when they say it is in my head. My clergy person sent me another email inviting me to Church. It is so sweet that they care. I have made it once in the past five years. It was very recently but traumatic. Well, I never know what I am going to say until I get going. Be well.
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Reblogged this on Broken Brain – Brilliant Mind and commented:
Looking back, five years ago at this time, I was up to my ears in busy-ness, always feeling like I was scrambling to keep up, and repairing a lot of damage from my TBI six years before. It seems strange to think that even after six years I was still on the mend, but I was. For a whole lot of different reasons — most of them had to do with me turning into a little more of a recluse after each repeat TBI, and eventually living in my own little world for many, many years.
Funny, how isolation will affect your thinking.
Anyway, here’s where I was, five years ago… Gonna dig deeper, ’cause it’s that time of the year when I’m coming up on the 11th anniversary of the fall that trashed my life. Some perspective from retrospective is called for.
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