What an awful day

You'll have this sometimes, I guess




I just had the most friggin’ awful day. Started out pretty great, with me working from home in the a.m. and getting a lot of stuff done that I had been meaning to do… then going into the office around noon, catching up on more things… and spending two hours talking to my boss about how I’m just not achieving enough. I have all these projects, but they say they’re not getting done soon enough. I haven’t had enough check-marks in the “complete” column on the spreadsheet, apparently.

Holy crap. Kick my legs out from under me, why dontcha. I’ve known that I have not been getting as much done as I would like, and I have been spread pretty thin. But I’ve been doing the things that they told me to do, and I’ve been handling a lot of different things pretty well, according to others. Plus, the work I’m doing now is far more complex and involved than what I was doing, six months ago. Like 7-10 times as complex.

It’s not like they aren’t aware of all this. They’ve told me they realize it, themselves.

Then, out of nowhere comes this. Geez. I wasn’t expecting it at all. I was expecting more of a positive approach, since I actually have been very strong in a lot of areas. They just say I’m slipping. Like I’m losing my shit. Like I’m really not as good as they thought I was and I said I was. Like I’m not really as good as everybody else in the satellite offices say I am.

I just don’t know. Feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I know my boss has some issues with me – they make passing comments about me being “strange”, every now and then. Whatever. And when I approach them to talk about things, 9 times out of 10, they cross their legs and arms and sit back and become guarded.

Why? Am I really that intimidating? And here I thought I was a nice person, a team player, working hard to achieve my goals and help the company achieve theirs.

Gotta regroup. I know I’m tired, and it really blind-sided me, getting this lecture at work. Plus, I’m coming up on a year on this job, which is when things have traditionally fallen apart with me. Not again. Please, not again.

I don’t know if I have another job search in me, frankly.

Oh, screw it. Of course I do. I always do what I have to do. But the bottom line is, I don’t have to do anything. There’s no reason for me to cut and run. Not now. Not over this stupid crap. I’m just over-reacting, and I need to just get my act together, respond rationally and calmly to this, and not let it get the best of me.

I just need to get out of my funk and get on with my evening. The weather has been absolutely beautiful, lately, and it’s good to get out.

Where this all is leading me, I haven’t the faintest idea. One thing is, my employer was acquired some time back by a large multinational corporation based overseas, and they’re going to be moving several regional offices to a larger metropolitan area in the fall. I’m really looking forward to it. Getting out of the little place we’re in now with a couple hundred people, and settling in with close to 1,000 other people who are going to be sharing space with us.

Should be interesting.

I just need to hold my own till then.

Till then…

Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

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