Last Friday I had probably one of the worst days at my job. I got lectured by my boss about having done something that got them in trouble with their boss, and it threw me for a loop. So, I wrote this angry, rambling post about what a jerk they are, telling the world that I realized that many of the issues I’ve been having at work with them may be less about my problems, than theirs.
At the time, it felt really good to vent. I felt 100% justified, and I felt like I was coming to my own defense against injustice. It felt good to announce to the world that my boss is a jerk (I used much harsher terms, actually) and vindicate myself in the face of their (seemingly unwarranted) criticisms.
Fortunately, it turns out, I never published the post. It’s in draft status in my blog. And I plan to keep it that way. The thought occurred to me to delete it, but it’s a good reminder of how I can get really carried away when I’m tired and feeling pressured.
See, here’s the thing — the whole rage and temper and meltdown business is one of the particularly problematic things about TBI. At the time, when all the fight-flight chemicals are rushing through my veins, it makes perfect sense to my brain to fly off the handle. Impulse control goes right out the window, and the idea of NOT doing something rash is the farthest thing from my mind. It feels right and good and justified — it feels so right, how can it be wrong?
Well, it CAN be wrong. If only because feeding into it is going to cause even more trouble, on down the line. It’s bad enough that I had a bad day. But if I’d managed to publish that post, I would have not only spread the badness to everyone who was reading it, but I would have also had egg all over my face. Because in retrospect, they were a little right about what they were lecturing me about. They just did it in a way that I found humiliating, disrespectful, condescending, patronizing, and all the other attitudes that are hot-buttons for my temper.
And that will never do.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this list of questions people have been typing into search engines that get them to this blog. Rage and anger, temper and road rage, are frequent items. I think I’ll step on over to the post Quick responses to loaded questions and continue adding…
2 thoughts on “Whew – that was close!”
Good morning twin! I have added a comment before to one of your blogs and I do so again today as I can’t believe how many of your blogs could easily have been written by me! One blog you wrote: “You’re not alone” had the effect of cheering me up. It helped me realize that I am far from being alone suffering with a neurological nightmare! So often, particularly lately, it seems like you’re plagiarizing the thoughts right from my brain -clever how you do that! As you seem to be better connected to the neurological community than me, do you know of anyone that has a condition called ventral simultanagnosia? It is a visual condition that I have and I can’t find another person on the planet that has it. Keep the blogs coming as they have really offered me support and a refreshing outlook! Thanks, Alex
Good morning to you nordicman! Thanks very much for writing – it’s really great to hear that neither of us is alone… many times I just write what is on my mind, and I’m not sure if it’s making a difference to anyone but me. Your words are proof positive, so thank you for that.
Unfortunately, I do not know anyone who has ventral simultanagnosia. This is the first I’ve heard about it. But it sounds quite challenging.
I will keep writing, for sure.
Thanks again and have a great day.