Some days, I just want to disappear

Today is a day like that. I know my life is going pretty well, and I have made tremendous progress in the past few years. But today I just want to fade into the background of my everyday life, lower my profile, keep to myself, and not invest so much of myself in the outside world. I would stay online, of course, but I would scale back my activities in the “real” world. I am tired of dealing with people. I am tired of navigating the world. I am tired of having to pay such close attention to everything. I am tired of having to actively manage my life. I am tired of being surprised by things I don’t expect. I am tired of having to be flexible. I am tired of having to be grown-up. I am sick and tired of the BS that people perpetrate in the world.

Where’s a rock I can climb under and disappear?

I’m just tired, period. I’ve had a very busy week, and it’s only Wednesday. I’m dragging a bit, and I have a lot of things I need to get done. I’ve gotten myself over-committed to a number of things, all of which are dragging me down and making me feel bad about myself. And the payoff for these things doesn’t seem to be worth the time and trouble.

Some people get a lot of energy from interacting with a lot of folks and being part of big things. I’m not one of those people. I get some energy from it, but it drains me more than anything else.

You know, it’s interesting that TBI is considered a cognitive-behavioral condition. Well, not considered — it is that. But for me, it’s more about the physical causes of my cognitive-behavioral issues, than anything psychological. I do see a neuropsychologist regularly, but they only cover part of my issues. And if I’m not feeling physically well, no amount of neuropsychologizing can get me out of my funk.

Taking care of the body after brain injury — Very Important. If I don’t take care of my body — eat right, get enough sleep, exercise, stretch, and generally keep track of how I’m feeling — my brain really takes a hit. If I don’t give it enough glucose, nutrition, and oxygen, I get into trouble. In fact, I would say that of all the issues that contribute to my cognitive-behavioral issues, my physical well-being is the biggest factor.

So, I’ve just got to keep an eye on that. And also remember that when I’m feeling bad emotionally and mentally, it probably has to do with feeling bad physically. And if I can take better care of my body, my brain will take better care of me.

Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

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