Okay, so I learned my lesson yesterday. After a full day of some pretty intense pressure, discussions, negotiations, and eventual agreements to a truce and conscious change of our dynamic, my spouse and I averted what looked like a pretty good chance of splitting up.
It’s fortunate we didn’t, because this marriage is by far the best and most beneficial thing I’ve ever had in my life, and to trash it now would be little more than self-destructiveness, and giving in to the craziness that comes up because I’m tired, stressed, and running out of good ideas. It’s my lifeline. And I’ve been far too lax about engaging fully with it, for many years. I’m married to a very strong personality who tends to prevail. I’ve not lived up to my own part of the bargain by letting them take the lead on so many things.
A lot of this comes back to my history of TBI — it’s so easy to step back and let someone else take the reins, when I’m tired and turned around and just not feeling up to the rigors of keeping things going. But I’ve let them down, time and again, by not engaging, not being more involved, just keeping to myself, and not being fully present. There’s a fair amount of resentment for some old things, which just bogs me down and is so pointless. The resentments I feel are over things I allowed — even encouraged — to happen. It’s no one’s fault but my own, and here I sit, blaming others for what’s taken place.
Long story short, I got to bed an hour earlier last night, than I have in a while. And it was good. I still need to work on that. I am over-tired and running at a pretty big deficit right now, so I’ll need time to build back up. I can’t function when I am overly fatigued. It’s just really, really bad. And it backs up in ways that just hammer me and everyone around me — of course, the people I care most about.
But change is possible. And I am committed to making a change in my life, taking more of a stand in how I live my life, and doing more to direct the action around me.
That change starts with how I structure my time and how I take care of myself. If I don’t take care of myself, I get myself into trouble. If I don’t rest sufficiently — even after fun things — the fatigue builds up and takes a huge toll, on me and everyone around me. And it’s just not good. All the work I’ve put into getting my act together just flies out the window. And I’m back to square one.
So, time to make a change. I started yesterday with just talking things through, then getting to bed early. Today is another chance, another start. I have to be prepared to start and re-start as often I as necessary, to create a life I can be proud of. Some things may never be the same for me, but at the same time, that’s not keeping me from making the things I can affect the best they can possibly be.
Each day, I have a chance to start fresh. Each day, I have the chance to create the kind of experience I want to have. It’s nobody’s fault but mine, if I’m stuck – I can get un-stuck. Things may not always be perfect, and sometimes they can truly suck. But I do have control over how I experience them, and with that knowledge, with that focus, I’m ready to begin again. Fortunately, so is my spouse.
Life happens. And life goes on.