Doing it differently today

Okay, so I learned my lesson yesterday. After a full day of some pretty intense pressure, discussions, negotiations, and eventual agreements to a truce and conscious change of our dynamic, my spouse and I averted what looked like a pretty good chance of splitting up.

It’s fortunate we didn’t, because this marriage is by far the best and most beneficial thing I’ve ever had in my life, and to trash it now would be little more than self-destructiveness, and giving in to the craziness that comes up because I’m tired, stressed, and running out of good ideas. It’s my lifeline. And I’ve been far too lax about engaging fully with it, for many years. I’m married to a very strong personality who tends to prevail. I’ve not lived up to my own part of the bargain by letting them take the lead on so many things.

A lot of this comes back to my history of TBI — it’s so easy to step back and let someone else take the reins, when I’m tired and turned around and just not feeling up to the rigors of keeping things going. But I’ve let them down, time and again, by not engaging, not being more involved, just keeping to myself, and not being fully present. There’s a fair amount of resentment for some old things, which just bogs me down and is so pointless. The resentments I feel are over things I allowed — even encouraged — to happen. It’s no one’s fault but my own, and here I sit, blaming others for what’s taken place.

Long story short, I got to bed an hour earlier last night, than I have in a while. And it was good. I still need to work on that. I am over-tired and running at a pretty big deficit right now, so I’ll need time to build back up. I can’t function when I am overly fatigued. It’s just really, really bad. And it backs up in ways that just hammer me and everyone around me — of course, the people I care most about.

But change is possible. And I am committed to making a change in my life, taking more of a stand in how I live my life, and doing more to direct the action around me.

That change starts with how I structure my time and how I take care of myself. If I don’t take care of myself, I get myself into trouble. If I don’t rest sufficiently — even after fun things — the fatigue builds up and takes a huge toll, on me and everyone around me. And it’s just not good. All the work I’ve put into getting my act together just flies out the window. And I’m back to square one.

So, time to make a change. I started yesterday with just talking things through, then getting to bed early. Today is another chance, another start. I have to be prepared to start and re-start as often I as necessary, to create a life I can be proud of. Some things may never be the same for me, but at the same time, that’s not keeping me from making the things I can affect the best they can possibly be.

Each day, I have a chance to start fresh. Each day, I have the chance to create the kind of experience I want to have. It’s nobody’s fault but mine, if I’m stuck – I can get un-stuck. Things may not always be perfect, and sometimes they can truly suck. But I do have control over how I experience them, and with that knowledge, with that focus, I’m ready to begin again. Fortunately, so is my spouse.

Life happens. And life goes on.

Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

2 thoughts on “Doing it differently today”

  1. It sounds like you have your priorities straight. I know it is easy to be distant or have your mind going a hundred miles a minute. Being emotionally available and present for your spouse and appreciating them is so important to any marriage.

    With my condition, I think being single is better. It sounds like you and your spouse do make a good team when you are united.


  2. BB, I hope I never come across as giving you marriage advice or any advice in general. Like I know how to make a marriage work when I never took that risk. I think it is great that you realize it is the best thing that ever happened to you.


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