Catching up

Had a good day today, more or less. Worked a bit in the morning, got some odds and ends done, then took care of some chores that have been waiting for me to take care of them. Some of the work was physically demanding, which was a nice change of pace. Then I sat out in the sun for a while and had a nice long nap.

What a difference some rest makes. I woke up feeling much more like myself, than I’ve felt in a long time. I think taking a break from the computer for the day helped a lot. Usually, I’m online most of the day Saturdays (and Sundays), but today I actually got out and about, which was good. Air myself out a bit. Shake off the dust and the staleness.

Clear my head, which has been filling up with all sorts of crap, for the past few weeks. The project I was working on — huge as it was — consumed all my attention, and I didn’t get other things done that I should have. Now I have a big backlog of stuff I need to clear out. So, clear it out, I will.

I have been wrassling with conflicting direction and orders at work, from two different bosses with two different agendas, who refuse to talk to each other honestly, and keep trying to go around each other. It’s bothersome. Especially because whenever I confront them about it or talk to them about it, they admit it’s a problem but don’t actually DO anything about it.

And I’m still stuck in the middle. Oh, fer chrissake. I’d just drop out of the whole business and go check into a zen monastery, but from what I hear, the Buddhists are every bit as much of an “organizational challenge” as the next political animals. So, forget that. Maybe I’ll just drop everything, throw my stuff in the back of my car and take off. Hell, I’ve done it before. Wouldn’t it be great to do it again? Okay, so my spouse probably wouldn’t want to come — they are not into that level of spontaneity. But maybe that would be okay.

I really do need a vacation.

But not till I’m caught up. I need to just square away this stuff with work, get this crap off my plate, and move on. After being so intensely invested in my work for over a year, the honeymoon is definitely over, and I feel like I’m settling into this kind of neutral place, where I’m not on that emotional roller coaster of excitement all the time. Just settling in and getting the work done. Not feeling a whole lot of connection with my work, for its own sake… rather feeling a stronger and stronger connection with it for MY sake. Because it’s what I love to do. Not because anyone is going to give me a prize or have me win any contests. But because I’m doing what I love to do — and no amount of foolishness by my bosses is going to change that.

Really, when it comes down to it, that’s what it’s really about – just loving what I do for its own sake. Getting into it, because it’s worth getting into. Because it lifts me up and makes me happy and gives meaning and structure and purpose to my life.

This is why I won’t throw my stuff in the back of my car and drive off to some distant land. Alaska, the high desert, and the North Country may all be calling me, but so is my work.

So, I’ll probably spend a fair amount of time this weekend just clearing things away. Getting them taken care of, and getting them off my plate. I have really fallen behind on my planning and scheduling and communications, and I need to get back to where I was before. I can, of course. I just need to keep up with my sleep and not get sidetracked by people’s BS — including my bosses’. They drive me crazy and they are really killing the morale in our group, but oh well. The main thing is that I have work that I care about, that I’m connected to, and I have connections with the people there, which keep me going.

I’m clearing my schedule of things that take up time but don’t add anything to my life. I’m clearing out files that are just a big old distraction. I’m getting my house in order. Little by little, it’s coming together. One day at a time.

Still and all, I have to admit, it might be nice to just take off …

Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

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