The help that I need

One thing leads to another

I had a beneficial session with my neuropsych yesterday. They were very interested to hear about my past weekend visiting my friend, and they also wanted to make sure that I’m not shooting myself in the foot by jumping ship from my present job. I’m fortunate to have them as a sounding board. I can use the help.

I’ve put out some resumes and made some calls to people and applied for some local jobs online, but so far nothing has come of it. I’ve had some good conversations with recruiters, and one seemed hopeful, but nothing more came of it.

It probably would make more sense for me to hang in there for another six months until I’ve been at my current job for 2 full years, before I run off and find something else. Either that, or  I can go back to contracting and just focus on making the money, rather than getting long-term prospects going on. Working in technology, things change very quickly, so it’s not uncommon for people to up and leave… whenever. But I don’t want to put myself in a bad position over the long-term by thinking short-term. Strategy… strategy… and execution.

I know I need to make a change. That much is clear. But I want to be smart about it. I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot. I also don’t want to siphon off all kinds of energy from some of the other projects I have going on with a frantic job search. I might be falling into that old trap of taking on too much, when I get anxious or agitated.

See, the thing is, the job changes the parent corporation is putting us through are pretty extreme. I’m still doing the same work, but it’s in a totally different kind of space with a very different environment. We all went from being big fish in a little pond to being little fish in a vast pond, and it’s a pretty tough transition to make. Our work space is deadening and maddening and counter-productive. It’s also tiring, to drive twice as far to work. It’s worrying that I’m spending twice the money on gas, when things are already tight. And it’s bothering me to lose an hour out of every day to travel.

It’s challenging on almost every conceivable level. And I have to work all the harder to just do the regular stuff I did before. So, my adrenaline is going-going-going just about all the time. Which stresses me out even more, even though it feels like I’m getting some relief. On top of it, I have been drawn into these new personal projects that I love to come up with, which is getting me all pumped… all over again.

So, by staying pumped over this-that-and-the-other-thing, I’m really tiring myself out, and I end up undermining myself even more than I originally intended — I intend to help myself, but I manage to do myself more harm than good.

That being said, I have to now figure out how best to take care of myself for real. I need to find ways to build myself up and keep myself strong, not undermine my long-term prospects with the short-term excitement of frenetic activities.

I didn’t get enough sleep last night — woke up early again — so I had time to think about this. Here’s my plan:

  • Make sure I pace myself throughout the day. Take regular breaks, just walking around the building/grounds.
  • Take time to step away and do my breathing exercises or meditate. Shake off the stress.
  • Make sure I stretch regularly. I get tense and tight without even realizing it, and then that stresses me even more.
  • When I can’t sleep, at least do progressive relaxation or some other sort of chill-out activity that gets my mind and body to rest.
  • Eat properly and regularly.
  • Get my daily exercise.
  • Be very, very selective about my new job search. Pick and choose and get clear on the options that are available to me out there, and really think through what’s on my resume. Don’t just jump on the first thing that comes along.
  • Be very, very selective about new projects I take on. I have a couple of ideas I need to follow up on, but I can’t afford to get waylaid by a lot of extraneous stuff.

Some of this I’m already doing to some extent, but I need to be more deliberate and focused about it — especially the relaxation pieces. It’s critical that I have a good solid foundation for my life, that I’m not pushed and pulled in every possible direction, and that I keep my cool. I’ve “lost it” a few times, over the past couple of weeks, and it’s no fun. So, I need to regroup and center in and settle down. Focus on what’s important to ME, versus what I think everyone else wants from me. And just stay steady.

Ultimately, the help I need has to come from within. If I lose that, what do I have?

Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

One thought on “The help that I need”

  1. Hi BB, I am a great believer in the perfection of life. I believe that whatever we do it has a purpose of some kind – even if it is only to expand our understanding and thinking, rather than physically moving us forward. I would say, ‘Let go, let God.’ Keep looking for a new job and don’t worry about what energy you are using – we have an abundance of everything we need to get wherever it is that we are going.

    One thing I have noticed with myself and with others who have TBI’s is that we often lose some/all of our core beliefs – the beliefs that kept us going and gave us inner stability before we sustained brain injuries. I always release my anxieties by writing them down on a piece of paper and putting it in my special box for the universe/God/Angels to take care of for me. This way I only have to think of what I have on my to do list, I do these things and totally release the outcome, my expectations and the consequences. Make sending out your resume, application for jobs and so on simply something that is on your to-do list and let go of what is right for you or what ‘may’ be wrong for you. You will always end up in the right place at the right time for you…

    I hope this helps… Annie


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