Where I get lost

I hate when I get lost like this

So, despite starting the day feeling really good, I went to bed last night in a very emotional state. And I woke up this morning feeling just as emotional. What a change, from how I felt yesterday morning. It’s like something caught up with me, and it’s taking me down.

I think it’s the Thanksgiving time that kicks off the holiday season, which gets to me. All of a sudden, I have more to do, and less time to do it. I have things I have to finish before year-end, and at the same time, I have family and friends who all want to get together and do things. Meanwhile, I just want to crawl under a rock. I want to withdraw and remove myself from any and all interaction with others… just put my head down and work my way through the end of the year. I want my life to be simple, at a time when complication is the order of the day.

And the harder I try, the worse I seem to do. And I get lost. Very quickly. In the space of 12 hours, I can go from calm and collected, to a blubbering wreck who can’t stand thinking about yet another day of the usual screw-ups and confusions and try-agains and perpetual wondering if I really “got” what someone was saying to me, or if I really remembered what I was supposed to keep in my head. It can be very disconcerting, and I hate what happens to me, when it gets the better of me.

So, I have to track all this. Thinking about how things have been going for me — or not going for me — my pattern-seeking brain can see the places where stuff falls apart:

• When I am overly fatigued
• When I am stressed
• When I am over-thinking things
• When I am reacting, instead of being pro-active
• When I am isolated
• When I am feeling threatened

All these seem to come to a head during the holidays, and I really don’t want them to get the better of me. So, I’m taking a closer look at my life, and I’ve found some places where I think I have answers about what happens — and why. I think I know where I get lost.

And I think I know what I can do about it.

Gotta run to work right now, but at least this is a start. Yes, I’m feeling pretty raw and upset. Yes, this is a big change from where I was just 24 hours ago. But I also have a pretty good idea about why this is, and what I can do about it.

So I don’t have to get lost.

 

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