Where I get lost

I hate when I get lost like this

So, despite starting the day feeling really good, I went to bed last night in a very emotional state. And I woke up this morning feeling just as emotional. What a change, from how I felt yesterday morning. It’s like something caught up with me, and it’s taking me down.

I think it’s the Thanksgiving time that kicks off the holiday season, which gets to me. All of a sudden, I have more to do, and less time to do it. I have things I have to finish before year-end, and at the same time, I have family and friends who all want to get together and do things. Meanwhile, I just want to crawl under a rock. I want to withdraw and remove myself from any and all interaction with others… just put my head down and work my way through the end of the year. I want my life to be simple, at a time when complication is the order of the day.

And the harder I try, the worse I seem to do. And I get lost. Very quickly. In the space of 12 hours, I can go from calm and collected, to a blubbering wreck who can’t stand thinking about yet another day of the usual screw-ups and confusions and try-agains and perpetual wondering if I really “got” what someone was saying to me, or if I really remembered what I was supposed to keep in my head. It can be very disconcerting, and I hate what happens to me, when it gets the better of me.

So, I have to track all this. Thinking about how things have been going for me — or not going for me — my pattern-seeking brain can see the places where stuff falls apart:

  • When I am overly fatigued
  • When I am stressed
  • When I am over-thinking things
  • When I am reacting, instead of being pro-active
  • When I am isolated
  • When I am feeling threatened

All these seem to come to a head during the holidays, and I really don’t want them to get the better of me. So, I’m taking a closer look at my life, and I’ve found some places where I think I have answers about what happens — and why. I think I know where I get lost.

And I think I know what I can do about it.

Gotta run to work right now, but at least this is a start. Yes, I’m feeling pretty raw and upset. Yes, this is a big change from where I was just 24 hours ago. But I also have a pretty good idea about why this is, and what I can do about it.

So I don’t have to get lost.


About brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who had falls and car accidents and sports-related injuries in 1972, 1973, 1982-83, 1995, and most lately 2004. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications for 35 of my 43 years. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained that injury at age 8… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.
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8 Responses to Where I get lost

  1. Michael says:

    Great post. Love it. Thanks for sharing. !!!

  2. Thanks Michael – much appreciated

  3. Scott P. Cole says:

    Nice post! This is just such a tough time of the year…and you encapsulated the “here-comes-the-Holidays!!” nuttiness so well. Come on January!!

  4. Thanks Scott – I hear you. I’d love to be able to enjoy the season, but I’m starting to feel like January can’t come soon enough. Ah, well, I’ll see what I can do about that…

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