It’s been a very strange 48 hours. Must be the holidays — it all just kind of sneaked up on me, I guess. Anyway, I realize “loud and clear” that one thing I need to watch out for is fatigue.
Everything gets better with rest.
Everything gets worse with fatigue.
And I’m not in the mood to spend the holidays in crisis. The past 36 hours have been bad enough.
I’m not sure why it’s hit me so hard, but last night I was having a really hard time, and I just melted down over some stupid crap that was pretty embarrassing, actually. I was over-tired, I was stressed, and I seriously lost it. And for what? Now I’m feeling raw and wrecked, and Thanksgiving dinner is not something I’m looking forward to.
I dread it, actually. All I really want to do is sleep.
Fortunately, I have three days to do that, after today. I have tomorrow off, and then I have the weekend. This *&$^%#^% commute is friggin’ wrecking me, and there’s not much I can do about it, other than try to get to bed at a reasonable hour, which hasn’t been happening as frequently as I need it to. I’m just not managing it, partly because I don’t want to. But I guess I have to, anyway.
I guess I’m really angry about a lot of things that are going on. I’m angry with my employer for pulling a fast one on us, and then treating us like we’re idiots for noticing what they did. I’m angry with myself for giving them the benefit of the doubt. I’m angry with my spouse for never being around on the weekends, but constantly needing to work. I’m angry with the constant stream of promotions and advertisements that are specially designed to put us all in a “buying mood,” and I’m angry with the world for being so ignorant and self-centered and refusing to see that the things they do to others, they equally do to themselves. And that’s no good for anyone.
Meanwhile, my spouse hates and fears me, for being so upset yesterday. I wasn’t aggressive, but based on their past experiences with violent parents and violent partners in the past, they take so many things of the things I say and do out of context — and very much to heart — and there’s nothing I can do to reverse that. All I can do is be kind and patient and indulgent of everything they do and say around me, or they say I’m attacking them. If I try to discuss anything with them to try to just think things through before they do them, they get defensive and tell me I’m finding fault with them and being impossible. It’s like they can’t wait to get away from me. Last night, after we spent a few hours together, they took off and were late coming home. Great. And then I’m a wreck when they get here.And then they think I’m attacking them.
Like I said. Embarrassing. But I’ll be damned if I can do anything about it., when it gets hold of me.
Because I am tired. I am wiped out. I’m not thinking clearly, and my emotions are way off the charts. I just feel so profoundly screwed. The holidays are off to a terrible start, and I’m already behind, scrambling to play catch-up.
Anyway, I had intended to write something hopeful and up-beat about being able to rebound from my weirdness last night. I wish it were that easy. I probably need to just get out more. Do more. Not be tied down as much to my daily routine. I’m feeling incredibly trapped by my job situation – trapped into a commute I detest, trapped in a building that’s part of a “campus” (read, two ugly buildings sandwiched between lots of other ugly buildings and their parking lots), trapped in a workspace that is visually and logistically cramped and has no visual paths to an exit. Trapped and cornered in a space that is not only really loud and really bright, but smells bad and is visually boring. The one bright light is that I got to move my desk so that I’m not in the middle of the room anymore. But it’s a pathetic statement when the best thing that happens to you is you get to move your workspace from an awful place to a less terrible spot.
And that pisses me off.
Which keeps me in a perpetual state of agitation… and it throws off my chemistry, so that I’m not in command my full faculties. The stress is flooding my brain with all sorts of chemical signals to shut down “non-essential” parts of myself, so I can survive by escaping. But I don’t feel like there is any escape, so I’m trapped, and the stress just keeps flooding in, till I feel like I’m going to die, and the best I can hope for is for THE END to be as painless as possible.
The sympathetic nervous system overdrive is just frying me like crazy, and I know it’s no good. It was no good last night, and it’s no good today. I feel like crap, and I don’t know how I’m going to get back to my baseline again. I will, I’m sure — once I get some rest and can just chill for a few days. But right now, things feel pretty screwed up, and I don’t feel very thankful at all.
Probably the most depressing thing about all this is, I know better. But I don’t do better. I know what mechanisms are in place to keep me off-balance, but I can’t manage to do anything about them in a consistent way. And that leaves me feeling even more broken and useless than ever. ‘Cause I’m supposed to be brilliant, right?
Well, sure — but I’m also human. And I need to quit expecting myself to have it all figured out, and expecting myself to be immune to this stuff.
See, this is the thing — I’m not immune. I’m anything, but. In fact, I’m even more susceptible than many, thanks to the role fatigue plays in my life — and I’m also more prone to forgetting it. This fatigue business totally mucks things up, gets my blood boiling, and generally derails me in fine fashion. Which generally sucks for everyone.
So, what to do? I know I need to do a better job of getting rest, as well as getting exercise. I haven’t done as much as I could, with regard to exercise. Part of it is the change in my daily schedule, another part is that I just got tired of doing that every single morning, even though it was good for me. It’s a little like me going off meds that I need to take on a regular basis — I start feeling better, and then I decide I don’t need to do it, anymore. Which is the farthest thing from the truth, of course.
But I do need to do something. I need to shake things up a bit, get out of my old rut, and get myself back on track. I need to drag myself out of this terribly boring state of mind, as well as get myself into a regular sleeping schedule that actually works. I also need to find more things to do with myself, than work. I’m still looking for another job, but now the holidays are upon us, and I don’t feel like dragging myself through all the interviewing drama during the holidays. I need to pace myself, but also find things that appeal to me. Like a hobby of some kind. Or a walk in the woods. I need to find something that both gives me exercise and gets me out and helps me sleep AND gives me a better perspective on life, than just sitting in a car, and then sitting in a cubicle all day… only to sit in my car, and then sit in front of the television all night.
Come to think of it, that’s a lot of sitting. And it’s probably one of the things that’s derailing me. All that inactivity… it’s just killer.
So, it’s time to make some changes. Get up and out and take walks early in the day, before I drag my ass to the office. I can shift my hours to get to work later, so this could work.
I just need to do it. But for the sake of my sanity, as well as everyone around me, I’ve gotta do it.
Speaking of which, now would be an excellent time to do this. So, I shall.