Today started out very strange for me. I woke up when I thought it was about 6 a.m., and I got up and did my morning sitting/breathing. Then I went downstairs and looked at the clock, and it was 4 a.m. So that meant I had been up since about 3:30.
And here I thought it was later.
I did go to bed earlier than usual last night. I have a bad head cold, and I was feeling really poorly last night, so after watching Coast Guard Alaska I took myself to bed, thinking I would be able to sleep in and get some good rest. But it didn’t turn out that way.
When I realized how early it was, and I realized how awake I was, I decided I was going to stay up, rather than going back to bed. I was congested and not feeling that great, so I made myself a cup of tea and sat down to read some online stuff. My intention was to write a bit, in hopes of quieting my mind by getting some of my ideas out of my head, but I wasn’t feeling it, so I ended up reading and also doing some web site development work that I’d discussed with an acquaintance over the holiday trip.
It’s disappointing, really, to not have slept in. I haven’t been feeling well, and I really need to rest after my long trip over the holidays. I feel like I’m “behind” and I can’t catch up. I feel like there is something not quite right, here, and it worries me. I also feel heavy and slow — my work clothing fits me tighter after an over-indulgent holiday season, and even though I am getting up and doing exercise again, I know it’s going to be a while till I am in the “zone” where I would like to be.
In a way, though, it’s helpful for me to be a bit on the fat side. It makes me more aware of my weight, to begin with, which gets me thinking more actively about how I’m eating, how I’m exercising, and how I’m living in general. The problem isn’t that I went overboard with the cookies and snacks and double-helpings and desserts at all those lunches and dinners. The problem is that I had this intense need to escape all my woes with snacks a series of great meals — nothing wrong with a few Christmas cookies and a great meal or two, but when I use it to not think about anything else, then it becomes less great than it might otherwise be.
And being heavier and slower than is comfortable has lit a fire under me, to get going again, get moving, get out and about, and get on with my life, even in the face of being really unhappy with how things are. Frankly, I tend to be on the relentless side, when it comes to improvement — I always want to streamline and optimize and enhance what’s in front of me, to see just how far I can take it. This goes for my work, my play, my relationships, and just about every different aspect of my life that can possible be tweaked for maximum performance. Being literally unable to move as fast as I’d like has a humbling effect on me, and it forces me to admit that I’m human, that I have my limitations, and that maybe — just maybe — my life will be fine if I don’t streamline or optimize or enhance what’s in front of me, right now.
Maybe, just maybe, it’s okay if I lie down with a book and read my way through the gray rainy day that’s been put in front of me today. Maybe, just maybe, it’s okay if I take the day off. Heck, I’ve been going and going and going for over a week. I could really use a break. And I’m not doing myself any favors by pushing myself to go out in the cold and rain, even if the errands do need to be done.
Heck, it’s New Year’s Eve. I’m supposed to lay low and think about my life over the past year, and look forward to the next year and all it has to bring. Herewith, I am officially taking the day off, to recuperate and get some sleep. A long hot shower, followed by the rest of the day in bed, is about my speed.
Which I sort of hate to say. Because it’s Saturday, and that usually means I need to be running errands or doing something useful with myself. But I’m tired. And sick. And I’ve been pushing myself for weeks on end. One day off is not going to break the bank — but if I don’t take the day off, it may break me.
So, I look for the good in this day. I look for the positives in the rain and gray skies. I look for the good in my aching muscles and my foggy head. I try to find the positive in everything that surrounds me on this apparently average day. I need to find some redeeming qualities to my present work. I need to find some sustenance in my present challenges. I need to identify the ways that I am strengthened by my circumstances, not torn down by them. I need to pull myself up by my proverbial boot-straps, and even if I don’t put my boots on and walk out into the day, today, I need to revitalize my mood and regain the resolve that I once had in abundance.
There is much good to be found in the world, if I simply look for it. So, it is on me to look for it. The good won’t find itself. It’s not going to pick itself up and walk over to me, shake my hand and say, “Hey, I’m good! Nice to meet you!” I’m the one who has to walk up to it, shake its hand, and introduce myself to it. Otherwise, it will stay forever hidden behind the barriers that I think are between me and it. The world around me is chock-full of all sorts of experiences, all sorts of opportunities to learn and grow and expand my appreciation for what life sends my way. Some of those things are profoundly troubling and I find myself going down a path of discontent and despair. Some of those things are apparently wonderful on the surface, then they morph into something different over time — sometimes that thing is “better” and sometimes it is “worse”, but it always changes.
No doubt about that.
Anyway, I am starting to fade. I’ve been up for about seven hours, by now, and I’m feeling it more and more. Time for that long, hot shower to loosen up the gunk in my sinuses and chest, then it’s off to bed to rest — and rest — and rest. New Year’s Eve will come, soon enough. Maybe I’ll stay up late, maybe I won’t. Either way is fine. Maybe I’ll watch the ball drop, maybe I won’t. Either way is okay. Maybe I’ll ponder the profundities of my life. Or maybe I’ll play a board game in front of the fire and just take it easy. Either way.
It’s all good.