Self-assessment of the day: Unsure of myself

Good news on the work front — I’ve gotten back into doing more technical things, starting to do some programming that I haven’t (literally) done in years.

This is actually good. It relaxes me. And it gives me a sense of well-being and comfort that I’ve been missing, lo these past years.

It’s really wild. Over the years, my work has pushed me farther and farther from the technical… as new people have been promoted and brought in to do work, I and many others like me have been pushed out of our technical roles to do more oversight and managerial type work, which is not at all what suits us.

It’s been quite disorienting and frustrating, and I’ve really felt compelled to go along, because that’s where the company was heading, and that was the only apparent career path I had ahead of me.

The thing is, I really, really like the purely technical stuff. It’s relaxing for me. It’s comforting. And it offers me a chance to make things that didn’t exist before, which is invigorating. It brings me to life.

And it’s time I got back to it.

So, I have been.

But as I’ve been coding away, I’ve run up against some scenarios that I used to handle extremely well… and now I’m struggling with them. I probably shouldn’t worry, because it’s been so long since I worked on this stuff. But this is disorienting — this sense of unsureness, the insecurity. I used to be so confident… so solid in my skills… so adept. Not having that sense of confidence while I’m coding, is as disorienting to me as not being able to remember common commands.

It used to come to me second-nature, and now I’m really having to work at it.

I suppose it’s like that with anything, really. No matter how proficient you are, if you step away from it for a few years and don’t do anything with it, you’re going to lose a good deal of that second-nature feel. I guess it’s disconcerting, because this programming was such a part of my everyday life, then it went away… and I didn’t realize how important it was to me, or how comforting it could be.

But that’s exactly how it is — comforting. And I really enjoy it. I just have to give myself time to get back into it, to remember again how to do things, and to experience again the real love that I have for this kind of work. And let myself learn again. Believe I can learn again. Not let the insecurity get the better of me. And know that being unsure of myself is a temporary thing, which I’ll soon remedy.

Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

One thought on “Self-assessment of the day: Unsure of myself”

  1. I think it is neat that you find programming relaxing. It is interesting to me how one man can gain relaxation where others struggle. I’ve been catching up on your other recent posts. I remember that Christmas was hard for you last year because of financial struggles. I really hope you can enjoy it. I have always been understanding of family members when they haven’t had as much to spend and hope they have felt the same about me. I do think there are creative ways we can show we care too. Also, if you have a large family, I think it is often good to draw names so everyone doesn’t have to buy for everybody and also set a cap so a person doesn’t out do everyone by spending more than what others can budget. Another idea is a grab bag for children’s presents with one side for girls and another for boys. My family did that one year with cousins and it worked out well. I should have suggested this earlier as it’s kind of late for this year.


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