Well, it looks like I’m going to be pretty limited for the next week or so. I’m traveling for the break between Christmas and New Years and I don’t have a lot of internet connectivity. I do ahve this smart phone to send messages with, but the keyboard is pretty small and hard to use. We’ll see how this goes.
I’m at my in-laws for the next few days, followed by lots of interstate driving. So far the trip has been good, my naqgging sense of professional limitations notwithstanding.
One of the things that always makes this time with relatives more challenging is the fact that my in-laws are pretty much at the top of the food chain – doctors and high-power execs and high society types.
And then there’s me, the chronic under-achiever who is barely scraping by. I try not to let it get to me, but it’s so obviois how wide the class and income divide is, I have to step away periodically to bolster my self-esteem.
Somehow, reminding myself that I can now get through the morning without eviscerating muself over being a clumsy lout doesn’t move me quite like being a world-class oncologist might. And glorying in the fact that I Have A Job and I am payong my bills seems so lame, compared with being on call at some big-ass medical facility that’s the gold standard for cutting-edge treatment.
I know it should not bother me and I should count my blessings, but as I watch my nieces and nephews get on with lives thay are full of achievement, I cannot help but think of my own screwed-up childhood – thanks you Traumatic Brain Injury… thank you, general public ignorance about tbi and concussion. And I cannot help but cringe inside when I hear my relatives talking about how I could do this or that, too.
I can practically hear them wondering why I haven’t.
But I’m hunkering down on that pity-pot again. And looking forward to the next year, I am thinking more and more about how I might use my own experience to assist others. I also think a lot about my childhood concussions and how they affected me.
When I think about how much they cost me, it’s enough to make me ill. And when the nausea fades, I cannot help but think how many others there are out there like me, who lose so much at such a young age, when their whole lives are ahead of them.
I’ve written before about wanting to talk about my early tbi problems, but I have not done as much as I would like. So, now I can.
Provided I have a real computer to work on, that is…
But enough about my angst. Have a Happy, anyway.