It’s awful, but I can handle it

Someone needs to point the way

This week has been really awful. The past few weeks have been awful, in fact. I have so much to do at work, and my natural tendency to want to get it right has been taking a beating. There’s a huge project that was dropped in my lap on Monday that has to be done by tomorrow, and in the meantime, I have other commitments that won’t wait… and I need to eat and sleep…

Probably the worst part of it is that, while I do believe that if I focus in and block everything else out, I can actually get it done, others on my team have doubts… including my bosses. They’re trying to “help” me by interceding on my behalf, but frankly what I really need everyone to do is just go away and leave me alone till this is done. And quit playing stupid friggin’ games, trying to cover their asses, when they’re the ones who created this mess in the first place with dicking around for 8 months till the 11th hour… and then shaving three weeks off the end of the project, ’cause they didn’t didn’t think things through and were asleep at the wheel.

Poor friggin’ planning. What is wrong with people?

Actually, I know what’s wrong — they’re too godawful busy in all the wrong ways. I should know. I get that way too. But I have the “advantage” of knowing that my brain is inclined to get me into trouble, so I take extra pains to plan things out, schedule my life ahead of time, and have a pretty good idea about where I’m going each day, and why.

Before I knew that my brain was re-wired by all those mild TBIs, and I developed some time and energy management skills with my neuropsych, I was a lot like the folks I’m working with — running around like a chicken with its head cut off, bouncing from one exciting project to the next, and generally getting nothing at all done on time.

So, I know what that’s like. I know how it is.

Still, it’s frustrating, and it feels like the folks I’m working with have hung me out to dry by just being careless and not paying attention to things that matter — like making key deadlines along the way. It just feels like disrespect and manipulation… but I’m sure at the root it’s just poor planning.

I can’t believe how frustrating this is. I have so many years of experience working on really huge projects that were so closely managed and monitored, and which managed to get from beginning to end in one piece — and pretty much on time. This project pales in comparison, but it’s 1000 times worse, and it feels completely chaotic, even though it’s pretty straightforward, when you think about it. The difference was that those projects in the past were actively managed. And the difference was that the people involved were dedicated and gave a damn about doing a good job. The folks who are running this show seem to care more about making a good impression with their bosses and looking good to everyone, instead of actually doing the work.

When it comes time to do the work, then that falls to me and a handful of other people who bother to care. What a setup. What a lazy bunch of …

Well, anyway, I suppose I should look on the bright side and focus on the positives — like knowing in my heart that I’ve got it in me to get this done. Like knowing that I’ve been in far worse circumstances, and I’ve prevailed. Like being pretty sure that after the fits I’ve been pitching lately, that this slipshod bogus BS isn’t going to fly the next time. Everyone is pretty clear that I’m pissed off, and I’m pretty sure that I’ve got their attention, and they’re going to take steps to do better next time. That’s what has happened on previous projects where people were doing this kind of crap — I made it clear that this wasn’t going to fly without me taking issue with it. And things changed. It was pretty uncomfortable, but oh well. If people aren’t going to bother to do their jobs, I’m certainly not going to pretend to be fine with it.

I do not suffer alone 😉

Of course, this all gives me pause — I know I could handle myself more diplomatically, and I may do that today. But the whole thing about needing to suck it up and not let on that something is amiss… my coworkers who do that are stooped and wrinkled and have thinning hair… while I’m sailing along looking 10-15 years younger than I am. Sure, I could do the whole stoic thing where I’m “too tough to be troubled” by all this crap. But what would be the point? Seriously. It would just perpetuate these bullsh*t scenarios, and everyone would continue to sail along, not paying attention, not bothering to do better, not thinking things through ahead of time… and nothing would ever change.

I believe in change. Hell, I live change. It’s about the only thing I 100% believe in, apart from the tides and the course of the earth around the sun. And as sure as I feel the stabbing pain in my left hip and the spasms in my lower back and the tightness in my shoulders and the cramping in the joints of my hands and fingers, I do know that all things change… especially if we make the effort to change them.

So, now that I’ve got everyone’s attention at work, I’m going to set us on a course that will take us where we need to go. I will tell people exactly what I need to get this project done by tomorrow, and I will provide the leadership and direction that others have failed refused to provide. There is a massive, gaping leadership gap at work — everyone is horse-trading, trying to be the most popular kid on the block, and it’s infantile. So, that leaves the door open for me to step in and sort things out.

This is really friggin’ awful. I hate it with every fiber of my being. But like just about everything else that falls under the “sucks bilgewater” category in my life right now, I can handle it.

I’ve got to. Or it will handle me.

 

 

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Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

7 thoughts on “It’s awful, but I can handle it”

  1. Isn’t it interesting how learning how to manage brain injury actually puts you in a good place, with the right skills, to make this project happen?

    Like

  2. Indeed. When things were really awful, I had to learn the new skills just to keep afloat. Now that things are getting so much better, I still have the skills, so it’s a great payoff, if you can call it that.

    Like

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