Well, the plan today was to spend the afternoon and evening with my spouse, just hanging out and spending time together with a couple of friends I haven’t seen in a while. My spouse has seen them a number of times, and they’ve been asking about me, and we thought that today would be the day to go out and spend some time. Have a nice dinner together. Conversation. Catching up.
That was the plan, anyway.
But I was so wiped out from this past week, I could barely stand up when we were talking about going, earlier this afternoon. I had dark circles under my eyes, I was pale and shaky, and after doing a quick social abilities assessment (keeping in mind the fact that I become pretty UN-fun around other people, when I am tired and stressed and overwhelmed by a lot of activity), we decided against the outing. My spouse went. I stayed home. And I went to bed. I got a few hours sleep, which was good.
Now I’ve had my dinner — a plate of stewed chicken with ingredients I love (but my spouse hates, so I can rarely have them) with a heap of green vegetables on the side. I watched a little t.v., and I read a little bit online. And now I’m feeling antsy. Like I need to just move. Get in the car. Go.
But doing a quick check-in, I realize that I’m still really tired. I should probably just go to bed and read for a bit. Take a break. Give myself a chance to catch up. Just because I’ve got a few hours of sleep doesn’t mean I should run out and wear myself out again. It’s dark outside. It’s night. And it takes extra energy for me to drive at night.
The thought of going for a drive under the stars is appealing in a way… maybe driving up to the hill that overlooks the valley to the west… but truth to tell, I’m pretty wiped. I’ve been working with my NP on my social interaction issues, and it’s really taking a lot out of me to think about all the problems I’ve had over the years, and try to see them in a different light.
Reconstructing your life can be exhausting.
Which is why it probably doesn’t make any sense at all for me to go for a ride right now. As much as the sound of cars rushing past my living room windows attracts me, and the night air feels good, I do have the sense to realize that I am still very, very tired, and it makes more sense to stay in. Get some rest. Just chill.
Time for a ride? Not tonight.