Just a quick note – I checked my blog stats earlier and found that someone found their way to this blog with the search “want to die after TBI”.
For everyone who has ever felt that way, you are not alone. I have felt that way myself, many times. I felt that way last weekend during my meltdown — what was WRONG with me? everything was messed up, and I couldn’t seem to figure out a way out of it. I really wanted to just stop existing, just to ease the pain and stop suffering. In the past, before I learned what it could do to me, I used to bang my head until the pain stopped, the confusion stopped, and I could get some relief.
Then I learned about TBI and realized that the “solution” was probably contributing to my problems. So I stopped.
The thing to keep in mind when things are so rough — and I had this very clearly in my mind, last weekend — is that things change. Things become different with time. And my perception of them being worthy of not-existing-anymore is only that — a perception, which will change. Even when I was most desperate, feeling like I was in the claws of a gigantic beast that was tearing my guts out, I had the very clear knowledge that this was just my perception — and the feelings were not real. Even though I felt like I wanted to die, I was never close to acting on it.
Because I knew this would change. I knew my desperation would ease over time. I knew that I would come out of the dark place in one piece, even if it took a while, and I would learn from it. And grow. And get better.
I never felt like I was not going to get better. Because I know something else is true. I know that things do get better. They change. They get different. And that knowledge was what I held onto, when I felt at my lowest.
I’m not going to say “suicide is not an option” for anybody else. Who am I to judge? But I will say it for myself. There’s really no point. Because the minute I stop living, that’s the minute I stop having a chance to change. And because I know and feel and believe with all my heart that I cannot help but change — I’m human, after all — ending my life makes no sense, and it’s not an option for me.
I’ve got plenty more living to do, and I have no intention of cutting that short by my own hand. I know things change. I know that I change. And I know that I am able to make the kinds of choices that are required, in moving from a rough place to a better place. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again.
It’s perfectly understandable, to want to die after TBI. But in my own personal case, it makes no sense to follow through.
Now, back to my day.