I’ve noticed something over the past months – I am spending more and more time in bed. Not sleeping. Not resting. Just lying there. This has coincided with me getting less and less sleep. I’m thinking there’s a correspondence.
I’ll go to bed, but then I will check Facebook or my email or some other thing on my smartphone (which isn’t very smart). I’ll wake up, but I’ll lie there for half an hour before I get up. I used to throw myself out of bed, back when I was having a lot of problems, because it was the only way I could get going, and I was so light-headed and dizzy from TBI-related issues that if I didn’t throw myself out of bed and hit the ground running, I wouldn’t be able to function. I had only two speeds – hyper or off.
Now I seem to have gone to the other extreme. I take my sweet time going to bed. I take my sweet time getting up in the morning. I get that I need to rest, but when am not getting to bed before 11:30 each night, and then I end up late for an important meeting at work because I lay in bed for 45 minutes after the alarm went off, “resting”, it’s an issue.
It’s not even about getting enough sleep (though that would be a plus). It’s about just being able to live my life to best. I haven’t been doing that. I’ve been coming up with all sorts of excuses and reasons why I don’t do better, and none of them make any sense to me.
What to do to change this?
Well, I know how I’ve changed other things — by self-talk and visualization and “pre-experience”. I have taught myself how to experience events ahead of time, so I remember things I’m going to do in the future, which I am in danger of forgetting (like stopping off at the store to buy food for supper before I come home) — I envision myself as I approach the store in my car, I imagine how it feels, what I’m thinking about, what’s going on around me, what I’m doing as I am leading up to the thing I’m supposed to remember, and then I imagine myself (and experience myself) remembering to stop (or do whatever I need to do). I don’t just visualize, I actually pre-experience the event. And then when it actually happens, I actually remember (most of the time).
This is what I have to do now – set up the signals that tell me I not only need to go to bed, but I really want to. I’ve got to get motivated. Inspired. I’ve got to get myself into a mindset that will take me beyond the limitations I’m living under right now. There’s a whole lot in my life I need to change, and that change won’t come easy. There’s a lot of work involved, and it won’t happen overnight. But I do believe it can happen. I believe I can make it work. With time. With a lot of tries and re-tries and learning along the way.
So, now I’m setting the stage for change. I’m looking at my life and seeing what I want to move beyond the present limitations. The job situation, for one. My level of physical fitness. The quality of my thinking. And my general quality of life. I’ve gotten way too caught up in feeling bad about things that I don’t have to feel bad about, and I just need to shift into work-mode to change that. I’ve gotta re-find my spark, rekindle the fire that I know is there but seems to be waning. It doesn’t need to wane. I can find ways to bring it back. I’ve done it before, and I can do it again.
And bring it back, I shall.