Yeah, I did that

Stylin’…

I’ve been working on my online portfolio for the past couple of days – the job search has made it obvious that I need to get something online that people can look at, so they can see the depth and breadth of what I’ve done.

I realized last night (yet again) that one of the issues I come up against, over and over, is that people expect me to talk at length about my work and what I’ve accomplished, and to be able to be a fascinating conversationalist with regard to my work.

But I can’t stand that stuff — all that talky-talky-talking stuff — it just sounds like so much fluff, so much grandstanding.

I’d much rather just do things. I can talk about them later, when they’re done. But then when I’m done, I don’t feel like talking about them anymore, so I’m on to the next thing that I want to do.

So, I never really talk much about what I do or have done.

The other thing that’s been a bit of a stifler, in this respect, is that I’ve often worked for companies where everything we did was highly confidential and proprietary, so I literally couldn’t talk about it. It’s a little like having been a spy or an under-cover operative. There’s only so much I can say, because I’ve worked on some very high-profile projects that had a lot of sensitivity to them.

So, I haven’t been active on the forums where people strut their stuff and show off their chops. I haven’t been a talker on a lot of the online communities that are about what I do for a living. Aside from the confidentiality issues, I literally haven’t had time — I put everything I have into my work, and at the end of each day, I’m wiped. I just don’t have the time or the energy for chatting with folks about this or that.

I just don’t.

So, I’ve been a little bit freaked out about what that means for my job situation. The conversations I’ve had with individuals — and the test I took that I did really poorly on — have not reflected exactly who I am and what I’ve done. There’s this disconnect between what I do and what people hear me saying I do, and I’ve got to fix that.

So, I built myself a website yesterday that will have my portfolio on it — screen shots and examples of all the stuff I’ve done over the years, so people can see it. I’m also posting details on what the projects entailed, what my biggest challenges were, what my greatest successes were and when I came up short. It’s a private website that no one can see unless they know the login and password, so I can talk about the confidential aspects of my prior work and not worry about it going out into the world at large.

AND people will be able to see what I do — and what I can do — without getting all stuck on my serious unwillingness to run at the mouth and be “emotionally intelligent” with the rest of the world.  So much of what we do, these days, seems to be geared towards making a good impression — making sure we “represent” and have a “presence” in the world. But what about those of us who are more about doing, than talking, and who are quietly brilliant, instead of gregariously pretty-good?

I get so sick and tired of being measured by my sociability, how well I can put people at ease, and how well I can communicate to people who just don’t know as much as I do, yet are in charge of me for some strange reason.

So, I’m building my case for people to get a grip and see just what I’m capable of doing. I’m going to put this all together and then turn it over to people who are considering hiring me, and have them review this material before they come anywhere near me. I really don’t want to waste my time on projects and companies that don’t know enough to realize how much I know, and aren’t able to respect me because of their ignorance. That’s how things are now — the people I work with have been doing things a certain way for years, and they think it’s fine, but obviously it’s not, because executive leadership is putting the pressure on. But rather than take stock and get a grip and approach things strategically and systematically, they continue to just throw stuff at a wall and see if it will stick.

Sigh.

Anyway, that’s not going to be my problem for much longer. I’m going to whip up a kick-ass portfolio that people can see and read and become familiar with — and that I’ll be able to tailor the way I want it to be. I have just been doing this way too long, to have to put up with this ignorance, and I need to give myself credit for what I’ve done.

And I realize that this is one of the issues that’s come up since software and web development got popular and everyone started doing this kind of work — there’s a huge glut of people who haven’t been doing it that long, who know all the catchwords and have certain skills in certain technologies, but they don’t have the breadth and depth of real-word experience — the kind of experience that can mean the difference between doing something right the first time… and spending untold amounts of time and energy and money fixing sh*t that’s broken, weeks and months and years on down the line.

So, you’ve got a whole lot of “talent” that’s of variable quality, and the ones who rise to the top are the ones who make the most noise and have the most glitz… not always the best quality.

And then there’s folks like me. Who just know how to do stuff and are so low-key about it, nobody things we’ve got anything going on. But we’re like the bass players in the band — we stand at the back, we do our part and don’t move around much, but we still lay down a mean line for everyone to follow, and without us, the song just wouldn’t sound the same.

I guess it’s always been that way. I just need to do what I can to make the most of what I do best… and I need to do that. I’ve built a site that can hold all the details of my work over the years, and now I need to build it out and really kick some ass showcasing what I’ve done.

Because I’ve done a lot. The more I dig into my past, the more I realize it. I’ve done some great stuff over the years, and I need to be recognized for that and also compensated appropriately.

So, it’s time for me to quit bitching about the general work situation and go do something — time for me to fill in the blanks about what I’ve done with myself and how and why… and let the world see what I’ve done, in ways that I can express myself best.

So I’m not particularly verbal. So I don’t test very well. So I have trouble “selling” myself when I talk to people.

So what? I can write, I can design, I can code. I’ll use them for my own purposes, and just get on with my life to the best of my abilities.

And there we have it.

Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

2 thoughts on “Yeah, I did that”

  1. Sounds like building your website with most of your work is therapeutic in many ways other then just a portfolio. You can see all you have accomplished, and share that with others. Take credit where credit is due. Socialization is not a means of production. Your quality work should overpower any socialization issues. Keep us posted of comments you get with your portfolio. Good luck and don’t be so critical of yourself. You have so much to offer. Talking just isn’t your thing! Production should be more important, unless one would be a sales person!

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  2. Thanks – I will remember that. The more I build out my portfolio, the more I realize I know — and have done — which is really good and solid and would make a great addition to a company. I just happen to work with a bunch of highly social people right now, so I’m getting a bit of a complex about how I am. It’s not bad, in itself – not at all. It’s just not the greatest fit, and I really don’t feel like trying to “re-make” myself to fit everyone else. I don’t see why I should, actually. Making myself try to be different from how I am, just short-changes the people who can benefit from me being the way I am meant to be.

    Thanks again for your words. Be well.

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