Live blogging from layoff-central

The herd is about to be thinned

Actually, I’m not at layoff-central right now – I’m at the public library down the street where I can get my own internet access on my own computer, login to WordPress, and get away from the generally unhappy atmosphere at work.

I just overheard the librarian here saying, “Times are tough…” and she would be right about that.

This is very hard for people. The tension is very thick at work, and it’s very glum and bleak-feeling. I’m not sure which is worse – being on the “chopping block” or being left behind. No, I know which one is worse – it’s being left behind. Because then you have to do twice the work with half the people, and you don’t have the same expertise as the folks who left, so you have to work that much harder to keep up. And you don’t know whether to be happy that you don’t have to look for another job, or to be unhappy that you don’t GET to look for another job.

The suspense is killing me. I’m pretty tired, as it is, from a very busy  and physically active weekend, followed by a late trip to the airport to pick up my spouse, and then this morning being sick and my spouse being sick, and some things I did over the weekend getting screwed up and having to fix them before I left the house to go to work.

To work… I was really conscious of the fact that I might not ever be doing that commute again. And ironically the drive just flew by, because it was such a beautiful morning, and I was noticing every little detail about it. I tried to be really present as I drove, just soaking up what good stuff I could get. But my hands were really shaking, and I felt sick and trampled and un-needed… expendable, like I didn’t matter anymore.

Oh, screw them. Really. (Now I come to the anger part of my grieving process.) I seriously considered changing my computer password to FUCKY0U – with a zero instead of an “O” for added password security 😉 Then I realized that the person who would be unlocking my computer when I’m gone is probably going feel like crap, already, and I don’t need to take it out on them, when it’s the company, not them, that’s making these changes.

So, I nixed that idea – tho’ I must admit I got an evil smile out of it, when I thought about doing it.

And I paid attention to my drive.

And when I got to work, I pulled on my good dress coat over my best suit (one of our reader community suggested that I dress well for my exit interview, and I did – pulling out my best dress shirt and suit and making sure I had good socks to wear). I pulled myself together and strode into the office like I owned it.

Just one last time.

And then I got to work.

It’s been extremely hard going today. The layoff is a huge elephant in the room, and nobody is saying anything about it, because I don’t think anyone knows anything for sure — all we know is that it really sucks. After years of being reassured by HQ that the division would be allowed to continue as it is, that’s all about to change, and between the sense of helplessness and the sense of loss and the sense of betrayal, it’s hard to concentrate on much of anything.

So, I wait for the word… I will be at the library for another half hour or so, then it’s back to the office to finish up. I had anticipated having another couple of weeks to finish things up, but they may just tell us to go home and not come back. That has happened to people already – just pack up the workspace and go home. No handoffs, no transition. Just boom. That’s it.

And I really feel for my coworkers, because they are basically screwed without the knowledge and experience I have. I’m not being conceited – it’s true, that I have made a point of learning to do all the things that others don’t want to do, and I’ve made a point of doing them very well. So, there’s a massive learning curve, and some of it will never be learned, because it comes from 17+ years of on-the-job experience, and nobody in my group who does what I do has more than 10 years “in the saddle”. Most of them have maybe 4-5 years, that’s it.

Yeah, it will be much easier to go, than to stay.

But still, my hands are shaking, my gut feels like it’s filled with iron shavings, and my head is pounding.

Keeping it together under conditions like this… it’s hard work. But I’ll survive.

I just wish they’d make the announcement and get it over with, already.