And so, I slept

I’ve been noticing a lot, over the past months, how tired I am. I’ve tried to get myself to sleep more, but I can never seem to put things aside, to get myself “down”. There is always something more interesting or more important to keep me up. And there is this voice in the back of my mind that tells me, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead. Right now, there is too much interesting stuff happening.”

But yesterday I just gave it all up. I wrote a bit in the morning, wasted a bit of time on Facebook, thought about my life a bit, and then ran some errands. I made myself some lunch, and then decided to lie down for a nap. I was intending to get up after a few hours and get a few more things done, but I decided to not set the alarm and let myself sleep, if I needed to. There’s nothing worse for me, than being forced to waked up when I am still tired, and I had the free time today, so I decided to just let it go and not set an alarm… see where it would take me.

Well, it took me to a 5-1/2 hour nap. I laid down about 3 p.m., and I woke up around 7:30. I was going to get up, but I just shut my eyes, and I slept till about 8:30 or so… laid in bed a while longer, and finally got up at 9:00. My spouse was downstairs watching a movie, and they had put some food in the crock pot, so by the time I got downstairs, it was ready to cook up quickly. I whipped up a nice supper in short order, and we had a nice hot meal while we watched another movie.

After a couple of hours, I was still really tired, so I laid down on the couch so I could stay and watch t.v., but still be able to sleep if I needed to. And I needed to. I probably fell asleep about 11:30… and I slept through to 1:30 or 2:00, when my spouse was heading to bed. I don’t remember clearly, because I was wiped out. I was a bit cranky when I woke up, I must admit, and I started to complain about things being out of order in the living room. I was really bothered about the lack of organization, and how my spouse could just leave the room without bothering to pick up after themself, and just leave it a mess — for me to pick up after them.

This has been an ongoing thing, and they had resolved to make some changes about a week ago. It lasted for about a week, then they had some changes happen with some relationships they had, and now they’re back to the late-night t.v. watching and snacking and leaving crap around the house for me to clean up. It puts me in a really tough situation, because their health has not been good, but I don’t feel like being used over things they can easily do themself, but they just don’t feel like doing. I think it might actually be depression that has them down. I want to be supportive. I want to be helpful. I want to really help them. I really need to find a way… at the same time, though, they need to be able to help themself, and I don’t know how to motivate them.

The one thing that does seem to motivate them, is being surrounded by like-minded individuals who are “on the same path” as them, and can give them a constant supply of positive reinforcement and support. I know I tend to be very self-absorbed, which I’ve noticed has gotten a lot worse since my TBI in 2004. I have always been a bit self-centered, but I’m starting to realize just how self-consumed I can be at times, to where the rest of the world just doesn’t exist at all. All that matters is what’s going on with me.

I know it’s been hard for them, and the things I’ve had to do to keep myself going — like having a regular schedule and doing this in a certain way — have felt like “prison” to them. Like there is no flexibility or freedom. Yeah, I know it’s been hard.

It’s also been hard for me, because there hasn’t been a lot of support for me making the kinds of changes I need to make, in order to keep functional. They just can’t see all the confusion and frustration that builds up in me, and they can’t see how much I struggle at times with some pretty simple stuff. All in all, it’s been pretty rough, trying to adjust to the changes I’ve been through.

Depressing? Yeah.

So, yesterday I just slept. I woke up feeling out of sorts, because it was later than I wanted it to be. But I clearly needed to rest. I have been a little concerned about my functioning, over the past months. My NP doesn’t seem to see a problem with it all – because I’m in “normal” range. They seem to have lost that perspective of me being considerably less functional than I once was, or than I could be, and they don’t seem to see this as a loss for me — I should be grateful that I am where I am, and my expectations are unnaturally high for myself — or anyone, really.

It’s like they think my high expectations are a sign of impairment or some-such.

But I really differ. And it disappoints me, because I thought I had found someone who was genuinely interested in helping me get to a higher place, not content myself with what I’ve got. It’s important for me to be at peace with where I am, but I also want so much more for my life. How I get there, is the challenge.

So, now I’ve gotten about 13 hours of sleep in less than 24 hours, so I should feel good, right? One would think, but I feel foggy and out of it and irritable. I guess I really need to get out for a walk. I think I’ll do that — off to the woods I go. That usually settles what’s unsettled with me.

Onward.