And now winter weather arrives… It’s supposed to get nasty later today, but at least it’s going to warm up, and the rain will stay rain, instead of that nasty ice we sometimes get at higher elevations.
I need to get moving this morning, before things start to get messy. I need to put gas in my car and also move some things around in the back yard. Yesterday was a pretty rough day – lots of distraction due to the horrible news… lots of re-examining my life to see if there is a way I can revise my daily routine and my priorities to match what means to me most.
In truth, I have to say that my life is pretty much in line with how I want to live. Granted, there is always room for improvement. But for all the hiccups and speed bumps, I have to say my difficulties are less about me ignoring the truth and more about me dealing with the truth — and the truth coming up with some unexpected surprises, here and there.
I’m sick today. Not feeling well. Really under the weather with a nasty ear infection. Fluid’s built up. Dizzy. Lightheaded. Having a really hard time keeping clear about things, beneath this fog. Just have to move slowly.
And take care.
There are a few things I need to take care of this morning, then I will lie down and sleep as long as I can this afternoon. We had our company holiday party last night, which was fine, but it was a lot to take in — a lot to handle. At a very big venue, with a lot of people. Lots of noise, lots of stimuli. Not the sort of thing I actually enjoy — too distracting. But I went. And it was okay. So there it is. That’s done, and I can get on with the rest of my life now.
Because in another week, I’ll be gearing up to head down to see families for Christmas and New Years. The thought of it is a bit daunting… then again, it’s actually not, because I’ll be able to step away from the work scene and just be with family.
And just take care. Get away from the crazy rush that fills my everyday. Just be with family and friends and relax. Do stupid things together. Play silly games. Shoot the shit. Just chill. And it’s alright.
Because in the end, even if all the rushing and pushing and craziness “pays off” in terms of money and prestige and power, we all still die alone, and we all will have to look back at the end and ask ourselves if we did the best we could with what we had. I have thought of that often, over the past years, and I’ve made choices that haven’t pleased my bosses or my uber-bosses. Because when all is said and done, I really just want to be happy and not have to constantly struggle over every little thing. I’d rather have a long life well-lived, than be stuck in a manic hamster wheel for the sake of glory, and I’d rather be able to have something to show for I’ve done, there’s nothing more to do.
As it is now, I can’t actually remember that much of what I’ve done over the years. But that’s okay. Because what I carry with me is more a sense of how I am, a sense of who I am in the world, and the feeling I have when I am just living my life. Stress and craziness and mad dashes for What’s Next all leave an “energetic shadow” over my life, and even if I can’t remember the exact details of what happened, I can remember the feeling I’ve carried with me about those things. And that’s what matters. That’s what I care about. That’s the thing that sticks.
So, as my weekend slowly fades and winds down, and I work to keep myself clear and upright, and take care of the little things I need to take care of, I must say I’m pretty content. All is not perfect. Some things need to be tweaked. But all in all, I’m doing okay.
And that’s something.