When I woke up this morning, I wanted to:
- divorce my spouse
- quit my job
- take off down the road
- change my name
- work my way across the country, moving from town to town, earning enough to survive on by fixing people’s websites, washing dishes in restaurants, and doing odd jobs
Every now and then I have this same impulse, and it usually involves getting a stray dog and a beaten-up old pickup. Somehow, it all seems so much… better... than what I have going on in my life now.
Then I think about winter. And I think about getting robbed. I also think about not being able to shower for days on end, and what that might mean for my job prospects.
And I realize how very tired I am.
The past several weeks of going non-stop has torn the heck out of my system. I’m definitely not myself, these days. Oh, I’m myself — but the parts of myself that I can usually manage to moderate when I’m reasonably rested, are jumping out all over the place, like they do when I am on Prednisone. Steroids make me a crazy-person, and so does stress and lack of sleep.
So, I need to factor this all into my world view. And not make any major decisions until I can sit up straight for extended periods of time and walk a straight line when I get up, without needing to rely on this adrenaline rush to keep me functional.
In 24 hours, I will be on vacation. This is good. I will have a full week to unwind, do absolutely nothing at all, if I so choose, and only do the things I really want to do. There will be none of this jumping to assist someone who has brought misfortune to themself and everyone around them… none of this fixing things that others break… none of this covering for people who are not interested in doing a complete job… none of this working overtime to decipher and accommodate unreasonable requests.
At least, I hope not.
But if there is, I will have had plenty of sleep to keep up with it all.
My plan… Sleep, get up and eat breakfast, go for a walk outside, stretch and exercise, come back to the beach house and relax… then sleep again.
Sounds good to me.
I will also have time to read up on some of the things I have been unable to get to, because of my schedule. I have some really interesting reading I’ve been wanting to do, but haven’t been able to, because of the mind-numbing stupidity at work. Seriously, the work is so mindless and rudimentary, it has not helped me at all. Plus, I’m surrounded by people who are far more consumed with food and shelter and feathering their nests, than with the intricacies of the human condition.
Looking back, I can see how the last three years have really dumbed me down — a lot. No, not dumbed *me* down, but the quality of conversations each day haven’t really held a lot for me, intelligence-wise. Come to think of it, my neuropsych is the one person I’ve been able to talk to about really transforming my life, at a level that I’m comfortable at. We’ve had some seriously good discussions — some of which have irritated the crap out of me, but that irritation has helped me define further in my own mind the things that I truly believe.
So, that’s been helpful. But I’m in serious need of more frequent mental stimulation than that — and along different lines than what to eat and how to fix up your house.
And for the next week, I can get exactly that — more stimulation of the type I need. I’ll have time to unwind and let my mind expand… get uncrimped from the contortions it’s been going through, and go in directions that are of my choosing, rather than necessity. I know, deep down inside, that I can make any situation into anything I want, yet I’ve been so tired lately, I haven’t had the ability to think outside the little box that I seem to be in.
So yeah, now is not the time to decide to change my life wholesale. It’s not the time to make any major decisions about relationships, work, living situations, or really any major aspect of my existence. It’s time to kick back, take stock, think about what I truly want my life to be like — what sort of qualities I want it to have — and give myself the freedom to just feel good in general.
Rest and relax. Unwind. Uncrimp. I’m sure there are better times ahead for me, I just need to make certain I don’t jump the gun and burn a bunch of bridges… and make things worse for me, just because I’m stressed and tired.