Still not feeling that great, after shipping off the lamprey house-guest yesterday. This is actually the first day I’ve been able to wake up and move at my own pace without stepping over someone… I’m trying to not focus on the fact that I only have two more nights and three days left in my vacation.
Ah, well, so it goes. There were some good things about having the lamprey house-guest around. They helped carry things and were able to do things with me that my spouse could not. Kind of like a playmate. Except that they are expensive, in terms of time and money and energy, and just having them around with their high energy wears me out.
Well, whatever. At least I’m not at my sh*tty job, dealing with politics and all that crap. Seriously, it is good to be away from all that.
So, the sun is up and it’s another gorgeous day. I’ll go out for my morning walk, shortly, to clear my head and get myself in gear. I’m not feeling that great, but I can’t let that stop me from getting on with the day. We’ll head out to the beach in another couple of hours after my spouse wakes up, and then we’ll sleep on the beach.
I’ve been thinking a lot about pain and gain, lately (saw the movie by that same name recently and ended up really depressed afterwards). Thinking about how I can’t wait till I feel 100% to do things. I need to just do them, no matter what. Thinking reasonably about my life, I have maybe an hour or two each day when I am not feeling wiped out and sick. All the rest of the time, I am pushing to make progress, pushing to keep my act together, pushing to make good on my talents and promise. If I wait to feel 100% before I do anything, I’m never going to go anywhere, because even when I start out feeling great, within a short period of time, I have maxed myself out and am feeling sick and shaky again.
On the one hand, I do know that recovery and balance are good things to have. I know need to take care of myself and not push myself so hard that I get hurt — again. On the other hand, it’s a fine line between taking care of myself and coddling myself… and missing out on life happening around me because I don’t feel like doing anything when I’m feeling like crap. If I wait to feel good, before I do anything, life will completely pass me by.
And then what?
So, here’s what I’m thinking. I know that the concept of “pain is weakness leaving the body” only works if the pain is controlled and short-lived, and followed by serious rest and recovery. Pushing constantly without a break is trouble. I also know that things that make me feel pain are not always that serious — like a torn muscle or a serious injury. It can be something as simple as just not having enough sleep, or having too much adrenaline in my system. And I know that when I am totally engaged in things that are going on around me, and I am lasered and focused, I can be pretty functional and get a lot of things done — actually fueled to a large degree by the pain I’m feeling. It’s energy. It doesn’t feel great, and it’s not always fun, but it’s there and it’s useful.
So, if I can use that pain as an impetus to get off my ass and get going, so much the better. I need to quit trying to get rid of this pain and just accept that it’s there, and find what else is there for me to do and experience.
Like today. I’m still foggy and tired and stressed, etc. The thing is, when I am stressed, my senses are a bit sharpened, and I actually find it easier to focus on some things. That’s part of why I gravitate to high-stress situations. So, I need to find something that really holds my attention and gets me moving and feeling better — out of my head — so I can get the exercise and movement I need to chill out my system and make it easier for me to get the physical rest I need.
The pain is here. And it’s not going anywhere on its own. I might as well use it for something.
Speaking of moving, it’s time to get going and get out in this beautiful day.