I had a bit of a revelation, this morning. I’ve had a pretty rough 48 hours, and it’s gotten me thinking that maybe I should take my neuropsych up on their offer to help me find a medication that will take the edge off my irritability, so my temper doesn’t flare so violently.
They say that they can manage the dosage so I will have very few side-effects, which I’m taking with a grain of salt, because I have never taken a prescription medication that didn’t have side-effects, and I’ve had some pretty hair experiences.
The thing that really worries me about using meds to take the edge off my experience, is that I may become dependent on them, and if by some chance they get taken away, I forget to take them, or I (like so many other people) decide I really don’t want to be on them anymore, then I will crash even harder, and some serious damage will get done, not only to myself but to others around me. I have such intense “fits” of rage, that it really frightens me after the fact.
While I am in the midst of it, I do not care. There is a coldness to me that doesn’t care who gets hurt or how it affects anyone. I have no empathy, I have no compassion, I have no patience, and I have come close to breaking things in my home (where I literally cannot afford to break things, because I don’t have the money to replace them). Over the past couple of years, things have gotten worse with me, and my outbursts are becoming even more violent than before.
Maybe it’s me, or maybe it’s my spouse, who gets so afraid. I think it may be me. I will need to check with my spouse on this, to see what they think. Again, I need to take what they say with a grain of salt, because it doesn’t take much to frighten them.
I do know that I have had several pretty intense blow-ups in the past weeks, and I had a run-in with the police that could have ended badly for me, had I followed through on what I intended to do — actually seek out and verbally challenge an officer who pulled me over one night for a broken headlight, after they gave me a warning and sent me on my way. I was going to find them and give them a piece of my mind, later on that night. Crazy, right? Well, it seemed like a good idea to me at the time. Fortunately, I did not do it. Or I might be writing this from jail.
Anyway, all this has got me thinking very seriously about how I handle my stress and the situations in my life. I am concerned that I may start acting out at work, with the increased pressures of my position in the new organization. I am concerned that I may do the same sorts of blow-ups that I have at home — that cost me my job in the past, and it will not help my current situation one bit. I have mentioned some things to my neuropsych — and yes, they have suggested a medication to help with the moderation of my agitation.
Once again, I’m concerned that I will become dependent on this for my well-being, and that gives a pill and the medical establishment control over me, which I do not want. I understand that many people are helped by medications. I have no problem with others taking them. I just feel very vulnerable about the thought of doing it myself.
So, I need to find a way to navigate these stormy seas, and better manage my stress and my behavioral responses to pressure. It does no one any good for me to assault people or tangle with the cops. It achieves nothing. It seems like such a good idea at the time. Just a relief — a release… but it can end up with me in some pretty hot water. I need to find a way to #1 keep my stress levels manageable, and #2 keep from letting every internal storm carry me away.
I have done meditation in the past, and I have done sitting practices that helped me keep my fight-flight balanced. I haven’t done that in a while, and I’m sure that’s not helping me. So, I need to get back to that regularly.
In the moment, too, I need to have a coping mechanism that will chill me out and keep me from going overboard. I think of a ship at sea… and I think about the sailors aboard who are navigating. Just steer the ship, keep the sails trimmed, and just keep on board… and hopefully the storm will eventually pass. There is nothing the sailors can do about the storm — it is just there. They simply have to keep steady as she goes, and take care of the basics, to keep the ship righted.
That’s what I need to do for myself – just keep my ship from capsizing. Focus on the essentials, the basics, and keep going. Just keep going. Don’t get worked up over the fact that a storm has arisen — just accept that it has, and keep my “ship” from capsizing due to my own emotional upheaval.
See, this is the thing — emotional volatility (or lability) just comes up. It just happens, as a result of many factors, some of which can be controlled, others of which not so much. If I can see the inner storms that wrack me and rake me over the coals, as something outside myself that just happens — as a storm that comes up as I’m sailing through my life — that makes it less about me being damaged beyond repair and makes it about me dealing with an external force — like thunder, lightning, high winds, high seas — to keep myself afloat.
When I have an image in mind, it helps. Like when I was going to take on that cop — I was this close to pulling into the parking lot where they were lying in wait for more motorists like myself, when I had a visual of a video of one of those “world’s dumbest criminals” who was acting like a complete mad person with a copy — on camera. I watch those “world’s dumbest” shows for a laugh — and this time it probably saved my ass, because I had a very clear sense that if I did take on that cop, I would look a lot like that idiot I was laughing at, not very long ago.
So yeah — visuals. Video clips in my head. I also need to break out my old copy of “Two Years Before The Mast”… or get the DVD of “Captains Courageous” from the library… and get some of that imagery in my head.
Because it’s no good for me to hurt the people I love, or end up in jail, or trash my home, because some storm comes up.
And I don’t want to take a pill to stop this.