So, yesterday I got an encouraging sign that I’m on the up-swing — I was tired all afternoon.
Why is this good?
I’ve been so stressed, for so long, that I can’t even feel tired anymore. I push myself and push myself and push myself, till I am completely done and cannot even move. But even then, I don’t actually feel tired. I just feel done. Baked. Useless.
And that’s a really terrible way to live.
It’s been a week, now, since I’ve been drinking my “rocket fuel” coffee — I take1-2 teaspoons of grass-fed butter, 1-2 teaspoons of coconut oil, blend it all into a couple cups of coffee, and then drink it down. I try to drink it slowly, but my body and brain seem to crave it, so it usually gets drunk before it gets cool.
This stuff has been my saving grace all week. I’ve been adding butter and MCT oil to my coffee and tea during the day, too, and it hasn’t seemed to have hurt anything.
If anything, it is helping. A lot. And the energy I get is just phenomenal.
And when I have more energy, I am under less pressure to cram everything important into my mornings, because my afternoons are going to be a waste. When I have more energy, and I know I’m not going to run out later in the day, I can relax and just focus on the tasks at hand. I know that I can turn to my rocket-fuel coffee or tea later in the day, and get the boost I need to carry me through, so I’m not under all the crazy pressure I’ve been under for years.
What happens when I can relax? I think better. I plan better. I work better, overall. I learn better. And I can relax into a power nap in the afternoon when I need one. Or I can just relax for 20 minutes with my guided meditation, and leave it at that.
When I can relax, I can feel myself being tired, and I can let myself wind down at the end of the day. You know what I did last night? I went off to bed at 9:30. That’s a record for me. I hardly ever do that. I am hardly ever able to — I’m so wired from the day, my adrenaline is keeping me going. And going. And going.
But all yesterday afternoon, I was able to relax enough to realize just how tired I was. I was yawning all afternoon, which is rare for me. Even when I’m completely done, baked, fried, I can usually push myself through and not feel tired at all. But yesterday… I was very much aware of how tired I was, and how much I needed to sleep.
I was going to spend some time in the evening cleaning up in anticipation of company coming this weekend, but after I had my supper, I was so tired — and knew it — I just had to go to bed.
It took me about 30 minutes to settle down, but getting in bed at 10:00 and going right to sleep has been a rare occurrence for me, over the past 10-15 years. Could be I’m getting older, but the actual fact is that I’ve been too stressed out over work and everyday problems, to allow myself to feel tired, when I have been.
So, this is progress. I can actually allow myself to feel tired, now, and it’s pretty cool. The more energy I have, the less need there is for me to drive myself like a crazy person. The more energy I know I’ll have, the less need there is for me to cram everything possible into a few hours each day, because that’s the best I can expect for myself.
I know a lot of TBI survivors have to actually stop working regular jobs because of fatigue. I wish I had that option — I don’t. I’m the sold breadwinner for my family, and if I stop, we both end up on the street. So, I’ve had to keep going, no matter what. And it’s torn the living crap out of me.
So, now I’m ready for my day. I did a slightly different version of my rocket fuel coffee and added some egg white to it, rather than taking the time and energy to fry up an egg. It wasn’t half bad. I know that butter and oil and eggs in coffee might not sound very good, but it was pretty tasty. And it gave me a much-needed boost, without taking forever to make up.
It’s all progress.