All’s well

The sun rises on a great opportunity

Doctor appointment went great yesterday.

My doctor says I look 10 years younger than when they last saw me. They asked me what I’ve been doing, and I told them about my rocket fuel coffee that I drink every morning. They said they’ll try it, because they get up in the morning and they feel terrible. Wiped out. Low energy.

They see the energy I have, and they want what I have, so I told them about what I do – and they said they were going to get some MCT oil at lunchtime to add to their coffee in the morning.

I hope it works for them. I really like my doctor, and they really like me, and we have a great working relationship. I just hope they can get some energy and relief.

I’m watching a squirrel eat bird seed at the base of my bird feeder. I’ve got a pair of binoculars, and the view is great from my desk. I cleaned my study again last night, instead of going to a movie. I bought a burrito, threw it in the oven, and then cleaned up the mess I had created in my office a few months ago.

Now I’ve got room to move, and I can feel the pressure lifting off me, with this 4-year job disappearing in the rear-view mirror.

I am so relieved to be QUIT of that place. I’m almost there. I should contain my glee at work, over the coming week, and just buckle down to take care of business. It’s been hard, this past week, because everyone has had so much they wanted to talk about. Now that’s out of the way, and I can focus in more on what’s to come.

I’m getting a new lease on life. I have worked so very hard for this, I have paid so dearly for years, now, and at last I am coming into a situation that fits me that much better than where I’ve been, for what feels like an eternity. Now I can free myself up — my time, my energy, my attention — to accomplish some great things. I will have more time in my day for the different projects in the back of my mind, and I will have more energy because I won’t be driving all over creation to get to and from work.

The closer I get to the transition, the lighter I feel. Expansive. Generous. Blessed. It’s been an amazing run, where I’ve been, and I’ve accomplished a lot. But it’s largely been for the corporation’s benefit, not so much for mine. And the fact that they don’t “get” that taking care of your employees is a key component of your success… well, that’s soon going to fall into the category of Not My Problem.

All’s well. And it’s only 8:02 on a Saturday morning, with two full days of open space ahead of me.

Onward

Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

2 thoughts on “All’s well”

  1. BB, It’s Sunday morning and I hear the birds chirping as usual I’ve been on the nightshift “keeping watch”. So unnecessary, I am fairly convinced, but this is how ptsd works and to tell a professional of how I live my life, will turn into greater concern than it warrants. I don’t knock professionals, but I’m very disappointed that’s all. And I just want to express that. They can write in their notes “borderline” or whatever I can’t imagine but I will no longer given them that chance. Why can’t I just “let go”? How do you explain the difference between “hypo-vigilance” and “paranoia”- you don’t nor is there any reason to. We must accept and move on. But how when you are aware that your mind is fatigued so easily and you can’t understand communication to well? . But fluctuation in processing speed and need for several times of staring at a wall, does not translate to anything to be of great concern as long as one is in touch of his limitations in thoughts. Respecting limitations does not mean admitting defeat either. Just as forgiving those who treated you with neglect does not mean you are admitting guilt. Traumatic brain injury is a cumulative tragedy in many cases. And how I respected that you could put into words that cheering that snowboarder to get back in there, was wrong even if it seemed to be contrary according to popular opinion of what this country was initially built on- perseverance, doing better, and even taking chances or extreme risks in the face of adversity. But how right you are, that there are times when to push toward “success” is pushing away of respect for our body’s creator, if you will. (Or the nature of things if you won’t.) And when the public is pushing in a direction as they did that snowboarder it maybe tantamount to selfish disregard to something we are called to steward or simply a display of plain ignorance. For the roar of the crowd as it were, “go get em rocky”. Last night, I read about a hockey player who voiced his anger during the ceremonial shaking of hands after the hockey game. Yes, I agreed that opposing players could have left what was said on the ice on the ice, but this player’s defense to his actions as citing it was his (tenacious) competitiveness and emotions to accept no defeat that got him in the NHL, seemed like a sad statement of our times. Where has humility gone? where are the Roberto Clementes or even our pitcher Justin Matcherson who just shrugs his shoulders and says “I guess I just got luck with that pitch”. Or a simple”I had my good stuff today. “Am I just an old fart who is unnecessarily ragging on the generations behind me?” But I’m not sure Emerson would be too thrilled with how his 19th century ideas of “rugged individualism” are being carried out. You know that I do not agree with everything you say nor would you want that from your reader, but I probably read this blog so often because it speaks truth and makes me feel less lonely in the world. Loneliness is a new concept for me. No doubt it has come on the heels of my refusal to deal with my situation by drinking too much and feeling or finally recognizing the stigma involved here with TBI, PTSD, and autistic tendencies.. With that said, I would be the last to judge a vet or anyone else struggling from horrible memories, who comes home and hits the bottle. I prefer to be alone in my thoughts, but when you struggle in ways that have not been validated and you feel that your view of the world is so different, it can feel like loneliness. Amazing to think my experience of loneliness and grief, is actually a healthy thing. But how we as a society have been duped to think sensitivity to parts of our humanity is something to overcome. Sometimes I feel bitter, but well, I have in the grand scheme of things, accepted some misfortunate events and reactions from myself included there, but my nervous system is stuck on high alert and how unfortunate that I feel that I can’t trust anybody because we both know that there are plenty of well-meaning and even brave people when it comes to ethics. My problem is that my brain is struggling still and it frustrates me to live like this. I must learn to be still and accept that I am more hurt than anyone knows. So many people are hurting but the traumatic brain injury area and PTSD need particular voice because it affects one’s very core in ways that I can’t imagine other ailments do. Jhon Franko

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  2. Thank you for writing all that. It certainly hit a lot of buttons for me. I’ve been hiding out on my own, this weekend, while I am alone in the house, relishing the sound of… silence. Enjoying the fine weather we are finally having, and giving myself a break from pushing so hard. There are things to be done, but not everything has to be done right now.

    And some things can wait… maybe forever.

    Be well

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