When in doubt, Stone Temple Pilots are good company to keep. I’m listening to No. 4, and it’s as good as ever. I went through a period, over the past few years, when I didn’t listen to much rock music. It was a lot of electronic stuff — trace and whatnot. Always good for getting me flying down the road, to and from work.
Lately, though, I’ve been getting back to my good old rock ‘n’ roll. Lots of hard rock, as I drive to and from work. And it feels normal again. Like I’m picking up where I left off, a few years back.
It’s like I went on a detour for a few years. Thinking I was going to be or do something different. I blame that last job I had, where I was so out of place, and I just didn’t fit in at all, and I needed to take the edge off things.
The whole last ten years feels like a big-ass detour for me. It was that damn’ mild TBI in 2004 that screwed me up. I’m still pissed off about it, and how it derailed me. I’ve been swimming upstream, trying like crazy to get where I’m going, fighting a current I couldn’t see — a downwelling, as they call it in the ocean – watch a video about surviving downwelling here.
In a downwelling, when you’re scuba diving, an invisible current hits you and carries you down-down-down into the depths — potentially past your approved depth. It can take you down very quickly — fast enough to increase the nitrogen in your blood enough to make you feel — and act — drunk. And also pressurizing you very quickly. It’s crazy. If you get caught in a downwelling and can’t get out, you’re done for.
That’s kind of like what chronic mild TBI / concussion is like. Most people see their issues resolve in weeks or months, but some of us are stuck with them, and they can catch us unawares and plunge us into the depths — towards the abyss — before we even know what’s happening. It can be deadly. And if you choose wrong, you can get totally screwed up.
I didn’t realize until late 2007, that there was really a problem — three years past my injury. Everything went downhill, and I didn’t even realize it. Money was disappearing so fast, I might as well have set piles of it on fire. I jumped from job to job, not realizing how it would affect my future job prospects. I could not read, I could not learn, and I felt like I was literally disappearing from my life. I could not go outside very much, because of my light and noise sensitivities, and I had cataclysmic panic attacks that felt like seizures.
I was in the grip of a “life downwelling”, and I didn’t know which direction to swim to escape.
A number of things happened to help me along the way
- I realized that something was wrong
- I realized I needed to do something about it
- I hunted high and low to find information and people who could help me understand what was happening
- Almost by chance, I connected with an excellent neuropsychologist who was able to help me soldier through
- I just kept going, no matter what
I’m now at a place in my life where I’m back on track. My mountains of debt are gone, my job situation is stable, and I’m able to read again.
And yet, I feel like a stranger to myself.
Technically, I supposed no one really knows themself inside and out. We all delude ourselves to some extent. But with TBI, it feels to me like there are a ton of gaps that I just can’t fill. I don’t even know where to start. It’s like my life is a big hunk of swiss cheese with a lot of holes in it, and I don’t even know the holes are there, till it’s too late. I’m in trouble again.
Anyway, STP helps me get my mind off that. They help me just keep going, even when I’m not feeling up to it. Keeps me swimming — out of the downward spiraling current and up towards safety again. A good dose of heavy guitar and rock lyrics gets me back on track in useful ways.
Gradually, I’m coming back to where I want to be. It takes time. And I need company, along the way. STP is good company. Thanks, guys.
Music is the best company I can think to keep. It’s there when I need it, and I can always turn it off, when I’m done for the day.
Speaking of the day, I’ve got to get on with it. I’ve got a handful of things I need to do today, including resting up. It’s been a long, long week, and I need a break, for sure. I’ll get that break later today after my chores are done, and I can comfortably settle into my bed, pull the covers over my head, and just check out.
Looking forward to it.
But in the meantime, there’s always hard and heavy rock music.
Broken Brain - Brilliant Mind 
For us, it is piano. My daughter plays piano to get her through the moods wings. Pre injury, it was reading. That is less available to her as a way of escaping. Most genres of music are still out of our realm too because of her noise sensitivities. But thank goodness there is still music and creativy and a way to feel like one’s self again — not the one with Swiss cheese holes and occasional limbic rage. Very hard to move towards acceptance with so many changes in an instant. But as you say, “onward!”
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I can see how piano would help. For me, typing on a keyboard is very therapeutic and soothing. The rhythm and the cadence are reassuring. I’m not sure acceptance is a normal reaction to things changing so rapidly. Sometimes I think if I had more acceptance, I’d be less willing to work to change. I think our sense of what’s “out of order” is for our own good — even if it makes our experience less enjoyable. The main thing is to keep taking good care of yourself, so you can have the best life possible and see the good as well as the problems. There’s a lot of good, still.
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