Looking a little closer again… maybe

Back in 2009, I was pretty focused on taking a close look at my issues and trying to understand them. For years, I really examined my situation and worked at trying to get my head around what was going on with me.

It really helped me to do that. Some people thought I was being neurotic and overly detail-oriented (and maybe there was some truth to that). But I had suffered for so long without understanding why things were so hard for me, it was a like a breath of fresh air to actually “dig in” to the issues I had, and come to understand them.

It helped me learn to manage them.

Then I learned to manage them. I became uber-familiar. And I took a break from all the focus on the details. I got in the habit of noticing what was going on with me, and just moving on…  not letting it consume too much of my attention and focus… just background noise.

In the past year or so, I’ve been so caught up in living my life and keeping on top of things, I haven’t spent a whole lot of time paying attention to the fine details of my issues. They’re just there. They cause me problems at times, and they factor into things, but I haven’t spent a ton of time really dissecting them, over the past year or so.

At the same time, even though I don’t let them stop me, I still feel like crap, a lot of the time, and when I tell that to my neuropsych or others, they seem to think that’s a problem. I don’t want to complain — plus, it’s difficult for me to articulate to people at times, just what I’m feeling or experiencing. It all gets jumbled up in my head, and I get confused. And I come off to people like a drug-seeking malingerer. Not many people understand or appreciate just how uncomfortable life is for me on a regular basis.

And yet, it doesn’t stop me from doing what I need to do. It drains my energy and makes me feel horrible, but ironically it doesn’t prevent me from living a full and happy life. Not many people get that… and they seem to think I’m making things up or blowing things out of proportion. They just can’t imagine how bad I feel, compared to how well I function.

So, there doesn’t seem to be much point to digging around and dredging things up. I just go about my daily life. What-ever.

But now my neuropsych is telling me they might be able to connect me with a neurologist or a rehab person who may be able to help me with my issues. Hm. They’ve said they were going to connect me with them, several times before, and it never panned out. They promised they would have a chance to speak with someone earlier this week, and they would have info for me the next time we meet next week.

We’ll see. If they can’t get it together to get me the info by next time, I’m going to tell them to just forget it. I’ll look into things myself, if I need to. But I can’t rely on them. And I can’t keep getting my hopes up. In a way, I kind of dread dealing with any medical folks, because of all the rigamarole and the extra effort required. They’d really have to help me a great deal, to make it worth it to travel to the closest city and do the extra work.

It would really need to make a substantive difference in my life. And to be honest, I’m not sure I’m even up for the inspection, the questions, the inquiries, the details collecting.

Who would believe me, anyway?

Who would believe a word I say?

Anyway, I’m getting tired. It’s been a really weird week, with organizational changes and the holidays in full swing. There’s work to be done, but it’s hell just getting it moving.

Oh, well. Supper’s in the oven. I’ll eat soon, and then do some more Christmas shopping online. It’s all good. And for now, I don’t have to think about all that stuff. Just live my life as best I can.



Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

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