I’ve been getting to bed around 10 p.m., which is good. And I’ve been waking up early, which is also good. I just wake up. Then I lie in bed for a while, stretching and just feeling comfortable. Then I have to get up. I can’t just lie there. I have things I want to do, before I go to work. So, I get up, make myself breakfast, and then sit down to work on things that are mine, not someone else’s idea.
I’ve been finding some really cool pictures, lately, which visually depict how I’m feeling. I found pictures of underwater sculptures by Jason DeCaires Taylor at http://www.underwatersculpture.com/sculptures/, and they seem to depict how I feel, pretty much every day.
I’ve been trying to summarize for my neuropsych the different aspects of my personal situation that they haven’t been acknowledging or addressing. They have been treating much of what I deal with like it’s an emotional reaction to stuff, rather than seeing that I’m really struggling to express what I’m experiencing.
I’ve ignored their cluelessness for years, because it’s worth it to me to have someone to talk to, and just being able to talk to someone and practice organizing my thoughts out loud is worth the world to me. But it’s so frustrating for me to try to articulate what is happening with me in words. In writing, I can do it. But when I’m sitting in front of someone, being watched, I tend to lose it. I get so far, then I have to stop. I can’t go into details. I’ve had too many bad experiences, trying to disclose my issues to others, only to have them either freak out on me, contradict me, or make fun of me, or tell me I’m lying.
I don’t “present” like most brain-damaged folks do, so the depth and range of my issues do not really come through, loud and clear.
So, this is just one more person in my life who doesn’t know and doesn’t help in some ways.
But they have helped me, just being there… and also being very focused on human performance and improvement. Most of the people I know aren’t interested in really pushing themselves to be better, to get better, to live better. They’re happy with just relieving their pain — pain they cause to themselves.
It’s an endless cycle with most people I know:
- Get sucked into bad, destructive habits of thought and action:
- Don’t eat right, don’t exercise
- Get caught up in negativity and pointless drama
- Get all worked up over misperceptions and mistaken impressions
- Fall into the customary abyss of negativity, criticism, and frustration
- Suffer each and every day, each and every waking moment… usually without realizing it.
- Long for release and relief. Usually without realizing it.
- Do things that will relieve the pain and suffering they have caused themselves, thinking that it represents progress.
- Just be happy that the pain is temporarily gone.
- Get up the next day and go back to doing the things that cause them pain and suffering.
- Wash, rinse, repeat.
My neuropsych is actually not into that at all, and we are on the same page, in terms of breaking free of all the bad habits of thought and action that stoke human misery.
They’re just sorta kinda wrong about the source of much of my pain and suffering. I know there are things I do which make my life more difficult. Not exercising as much as I should, eating too much sugar on some days, and sinking into frustration and despair are some of the things that drag me down. But not all of these things are caused by poor habits of thought and action.
Some Most of them are because of my TBI issues, which I really struggle with, even though they don’t show. Most people don’t know how often I am in pain, am confused, am turned around and don’t really know where I am, or I literally feel like I’m dying. I know how to keep going without making a fuss about things. I keep going, because I know that a lot of this stuff is temporary — or if I can just get my mind off it, I don’t have to be held back. So, I focus on other things. And life goes on.
I don’t know why I am so concerned about my neuropsych not knowing what all is going on with me. Maybe I just reached a point of critical mass, where I realized just how different their perception of me is from my personal experience. Maybe it’s because of the whole neuro involvement, where the two of them will (probably) be talking to each other, comparing notes, and there’s a chance that their two perceptions of me will be very different, so they’ll both think I’m lying, and I’ll be back at square one. Maybe I’m just tired of hearing the mini-lectures about how our minds give rise to everything.
There’s a whole world view called “mind-only”, and I suspect my neuropsych adheres to it. I have my own take on that. But it’s too complicated to go into, right here.
Bottom line is, I’m up early, I have a few hours to do what I like, till I head out to work. I’ll get some more exercise, I’ll work on my projects, and I’ll prepare for the day. I may even get to work early, so I can make up for some of the billable hours I missed yesterday.